The kids did a staycay at ah yi’s and got treated to supper of popcorn and Find Nemo! The next day, they walked and ah yi brought them to breakfast in a mall—after 3 months of not visiting malls due to covid restrictions.
We did our walks when dad is not working and then had breakfast of croissants and cruffins. We used to walk every weekend but these weekends during the holidays, the kids have been at ah yi and popo’s and been missing out on all this training. It’s no wonder that they left off and find it hard to persist. But the sun and light was so good. Then we went to pray and give thanks to blessings for completion of the academic year
On another morning, we went by the canal as Huaihao wanted to teach me how to cycle. He was very patient and gave me instructions and advice. I learned how to balance. Then we headed to a bookstore as the kids wanted to read
On yet another day, dad and mom went out for the morning walk before coming back to pick qinzhi and huaihao for some freshly baked croissants . And when it rained, I passed hao the paper bag and he improvised this way
That evening, we headed to ah yi and grandpa’s for our weekly dinner and the kids got treated to Godiva’s. Hao massaged ah yi as usual
One week Ah Yi wanted to carry him
This is the christmas deco ah yi bought for Huaihao
One night we headed to Orchard Road just to bask in the christmas atmosphere. Due to Covid restrictions we couldn’t enter malls but we are not going to be stopped. Enjoy we did walking down Orchard Road, then had ice cream!
Hao hasn’t really been drawing of late, but its so nice to him decorate his timetable – to which he spells out time for using the ipad.
Other times he would spend it on lego mostly and this is one of his latest creations. Everyday he would make one to two new ones and he would tell me about it.
And one of his latest pleasures is talking to siri
This day we received a letter from MOE to say that Huaihao has been recognised for his consistent excellent work. So happy for Huaihao! Keep it up dearest!
One morning, we went for a walk to millennia walk. Seeing Huaihao in front, was symbolic, he was like my guide. His little legs carried him step by step, from East coast all the way to the central part of Singapore.
Then I had to reward him with Shake Shack
On another day, we headed to Orchard Road and spent the whole day shopping! It was one of the first times the kids went to a mall after so long, a few months of skipping malls and restaurants because we were not vaccinated,
We had Ootoya, bubble tea which they loved
When we came back, we were dead beat!
Chatted at bedtime with Huaihao, and I asked if I should continue with the second dose of the vaccination, to which he said, “you should never go back, you should go forward”
I argued with him that what if, what if, going backwards is one way to go forwards? I gave him some examples, and spoke about the side effects of the vaccination. To which he said, then its not a good government ! They are ruling with an iron fist! How can they, they will not be able to pay back a person, they wouldn’t be able to because that is that one lucky sperm (which came to fertilise the egg) and a person’s life is god’s gift! How can they do that to god’s gift—so rude!
Bedtime with Huaihao another night. There was a zoom session and Huaihao waited for me. I had him to thank when i finally sank into the bed, with him next to me and he says he loves me to the monad back a trillion QI times.
Asked him what QI means and he says it is more than trillion.
I gulped this down and swallowed to which he laughed. Then i spoke to myself, my cells, to use this wonderful love and light to heal the keloids, the cyst, the inflamed gums and wherever needs healing.
On mid december, we went for our first family camp, and this is about the first time Huaihao had the chance to mingle with kids other than school mates. Its also one of the rare times he gets to express his feelings in public for us.
And its been a while since we went jogging and walking about together as a family
After which we headed to Huaihao’s first school, Alexandra School before heading over to his new school Ngee Ann Primary School
We got him his books and school uniform. And there’s an agreement he has to sign on his responsibility as a primary school student of this school. How cute this is!
And after so long, Huaihao finally had a new hairdo!
Daddy’s mentor Glenn Lim organised a family camp and we took part. Nothing is coincidence as I know it, when I arrived I intended that this 3d2n session be truly transformative and healing for us.
Guess what?
It worked exactly the way I intended.
This was us heading over.
The first night there was an ice breaker session for the 5 families, after which the kids had a session with the mentors and wrote parents letters from their heart. This was what Qinzhi and Huaihao wrote, So daddy had been angry for a few days, and “stayed in his cave”, so Qinzhi was inspired to write this. After the camp, we had a dinner and sat down to chat, she said she wrote it because she wanted her dad to know the “pain we are going through, its like I m swearing inside me, if you are upset just say, why must you just keep quiet? “
And Huaihao added, “if you want to be out, you have to tell us where you are going so that we will not worry”
We also explored the 5 love languages
Day 2 was a games day. Families went back to kampung or village times and played games like 5 stones, pick up sticks, we folded paper aeroplanes and flew them, played zero point (challenged heights held by a rubber band rope) and used our legs to kick a featherpult
The last day, Glenn set the tone by first telling us about his rebellious youth and how he, who came from a broken family realised and found himself. For his life that has gone bad, his words were that, “i did not blame my family because life is like that, its messy”
Out of prison, he healed his family relationships. And went on to take a new life exploring psychology and psychosocial behaviour. He said he was glad to be able to tell his father that he love him and made up before his father passed on.
He next showed 2 videos, one of which is this, the semi-final of the Men’s 400 metres sprint where British Olympian Derek Redmond tore his hamstring and still finished the race limping while the crowd in the stadium gave him a standing ovation. Although Great Britains Redmond was disqualified and listed as “Did Not Finish” due to the outside assistance of his father finishing the race, this very inspirational race has become a well-remembered and inspirational moment in Olympic history – !
The world over, in headlines reported how he finished the race with his father
I was totally in tears—-because his father was with him. I thought of mine.
Glenn wanted to show that the kids had their internal struggles and it was important for parents to be with them.
The girl thought the world about her father, but realised that the father lied about having enough, having money, lied about his other life of struggling with work to make ends meet to make her happy. The last sentence was “my father lied because of me”
Seeing this made me break down.
It made me think of mine, yes my father lied to me too, and in a way, it was because of me, too. And those few moments of light and clarity made me know that this camp had turned out exactly the way I intended.
Then it was the kids turn to present and read to us what they wrote, Qinzhi broke down reading the first sentence. And it made me tear too. Those few moments, I could feel that she was thankful for me and what a journey we had gone through.
Qinzhi and Huaihao made me a better person than I was before I had them. And having them in my life, these teachers—I had never thought of them as little but as my equal all along—being a parent made me a better child.
In fact, bf had wanted me to see Glenn because he felt that I had to settle and heal the parts I have yet to so that I can be truly myself.
I think the 2 commercials and his sharing delivered the divine’s message to me.
After the camp when we had dinner and spoke to the kids about these 2 commercials, Huaihao and Qinzhi said this, “the daddy is a good and bad daddy because he lied”
I explained that no parents would want to lie to their precious kids . In the commercial, the daddy as well, he didn’t want the kid to worry and to have a happy childhood, that was why he shouldered the tough life. He did it all for his child he held so dear.
And Qinzhi and Huaihao added, “but I rather he said it as it is and be honest about it,”
Because that is what a family does-to be together.
And I remember very well. I said the exact same words to Mr Ng too about dad when left us. I said to Mr Ng too, that we could have gone through it all together as a family, and he needn’t hide from us–his family.
Huaihao was me and I was Huaihao, we echoed the same thoughts. And this video was powerful to show me that my dad lied to me, because of me. That was the point of difference. For me. Because of me. And how can I still, have the heart of blame?
It was as if—the muddy cleared up in a split second and all the anguish pain suffering frustration hate anger —–was blown off.
In that sense, this camp has been doing the work for me. Truly thankful. Utmost thankful.
24 Nov was a very special day for Qinzhi , I accompanied her to collect her PSLE results , got excited with her and cried with her—in joy.
Qinzhi asked that she can just enter the Normal academic stream and she worked just enough to arrive at that and the result was just that she asked.
While she went to her classroom to collect her results, I was seated at the classroom directly below hers, and asked to sit at a certain seat because, the teacher said, Qinzhi is seated at the same spot upstairs. I couldnt really concentrate on what the teachers were saying, I was feeling excited and wondered if Qinzhi felt the same upstairs.
Qinzhi’s chinese teacher qiu laoshi specially popped over to see the kids and I had an inkling i knew her. She confirmed that we were in the same secondary school , what a coincidence. Qiu laoshi is a teacher who helped qinzhi alot.
And when she came to me, she came to me crying and my tears naturally followed her. That is how close how bonded we are as mother and daughter. My tears just flowed when I saw her, I followed her emotionally, it reminded me of the time when i was a teenager and lost in love, i cried at the dinner table and mommy cried just seeing me cry.
Seeing Qinzhi and tearing with her, made me see how she would be following me emotionally, it meant that if I felt something, Qinzhi, the perceptive Qinzhi, felt it too. And it made me see how much i followed my mother-emotionally. It reinforced what I realised in my self reiki session this morning-that I have unwittingly, consciously and unconsciously taken on my mother’s emotions and trying to be responsible for them. But they are not mine in the first place to begin with.
A while ago, the parents chat group invited us to pen something for the kids, and that the teachers would give this letter out to the kids right before releasing the results. I wrote her this letter
I also had the chance to write about Qinzhi in my column in the chinese daily.
We continued to walk and this time during the weekdays so that on weekends Qinzhi and Huaihao can head to stayover at popo and yiyi’s. Sometimes we went down by the canal to cycle and Huaihao and Qinzhi would teach me how to cycle. We always end the walk with something delish! And then the kids would head to the bookstore.
The friday after collecting psle results, we headed to ah mei ayi’s for dinner. and the kids did a staycay
This day we went for dinner at grandpa’s the kids got treated to Godiva’s
This saturday, we were welcoming archer and family, popo, yiyi, davina, into our humble abode and qinzhi made a playhouse out of cardboard.
But otherwise, the holidays were spent pretty much resting and lazying, watching the tv, iPad and computer playing
And this day, we went to Tiong Bahru to pick up Qinzhi’s friend Yuwen. It has always been Qinzhi’s wish to have her friends visit and play at home. And even if we had to head over to Tiong Bahru to pick her, I would, because it would make Qinzhi happy.
I prepared food for her and cooked as I would for the kids, very glad they had a good time and liked what I prepped.
On one of the mornings, the 3 of us walked to millennia walk. Then had Shake Shack
On another day, we headed out to Orchard Road, the kids had been skipping malls because we were not vaccinated, now this is the first time in a few months that they had stepped into a mall and a restaurant. What fun they had!
And on mid December, we went on a family camp and Qinzhi had one of the rare opportunities to mix with children of different ages outside of school. Played lots of fun games of yesteryear and gets to express her feelings publicly.
Interestingly, the mentors commented that Qinzhi is really thoughtful and helps kids along gently and quietly. As always, her good nature shines through. She does not clammer for the spotlight for goes on to be responsible for things she feels needs to be done or people who needs help with. Hearing other parents tell me about Qinzhi made me feel really proud of her. Because what she did, not even I can at times, out of shyness. But she does it without any advice from others. On her own initiative.
Well done Qinzhi!You made us so proud as your parents!
When you keep repeating and duplicating something, an action, you create a process out of it.
And magically , the process takes on a life of its own.
There’s some kind of momentum or force, energy in it.
That probably is the dao 道 we have been searching for. A way in the subtleties that is so profound it propels you forward.
So when we keep eating something, applying the same oils , when we keep running, keep scratching the keloids or responding to its itch, you are locked in its dao it’s momentum it’s cycle
Maybe—-as a start, create something new which is better than any of the last.
There’s something in 14 Peaks that calls out to me.
Nims speaks out the very things we once harboured in our hearts, the very things we held close to heart and pursued like crazy because we believed ——— but afterwards lost them to the daily grinds
And coincidentally, I went back to writing my column yesterday. The piece of writing is slated for Christmas and the idea of light and love came up. My Santa is Mr Ng, who made me see the light each time I went to see him.
I started writing and re-reading just two posts —— every time after I visited, I would write down faithfully the contents of the the visit : what we discussed and exchanged ——- I cried so hard. The nuggets of truth and wisdom I fetched out from then, those visits stand true today. And they are still useful for me. I reconnected with the truths he shared with me and I saw how much I was appreciated as a soul. He taught me how to acknowledge and recognize my self, how to be gentle with myself——-always, before I knew
I miss my teacher and is calling out for him from the depths of my heart.
Then I watched 14 Peaks
The combination worked I guess.
I went back to 2016. When I had the idea of getting Nic to be a Friend of Michelin. And boom, I got to him.
How is that even possible? There is every reason it would be impossible.
In 100 years the red book has been in existence, there is no Friend of Michelin.
Seeing him on stage carrying out and expressing my belief—- that Food is made good with friends and in connection—— is impossible to describe.
The feeling you carry in the heart area is full and warm—— when you make the impossible possible.
No word can do justice to that feeling.
No amount of money too.
I went to bed. And got out of it in a matter of minutes .
I cut the quote on an upcoming video. If that could make the project possible, I will do it. The joy of making a video is impossible to describe too because that is what makes me come alive.
So I emailed the client with an adjusted quote and went back to bed.
And this morning, this morning when I woke and lay in bed, trying to be still. Beautiful thoughts and feelings came to me.
Those moments sitting beside the camera the frame, lights shining on the subject in front of me. The subject revealing thoughts emotions true to him and me feeling them—— because, with age, how different can we be. We run similar programs emotions albeit in different places and different points in life. We connect in the suffering that pain we all had a chance to experience
He or she might be talking about him or her but what I hear is about me. The moments in between —- working with what was released in real time, takes things out of me. It is work in process and expression at its best
That seat, right opposite the subject. Here is where and when I come alive . I live for these.
Why did I give it away so easily ?
The feeling sitting in that spot. I can’t wait to be back.
To use my gift and experience, to share light love hope warmth and delivering it my style.
This is my mission my purpose and the reason of my existence my being. It is why I am wired this way why I feel this way why I have experienced what I have —— all these were in preparation for me to do the work I am here for.
This is the first time I see things this way—— like a puzzle in place. A breakthrough and light of sorts—- i m wired this way because I need my strengths and weaknesses to do the work I do
And seeing this made me appreciate my experiences more.
I thanked my experiences once more and release all that do not serve me any longer —— out of my energy field , and I do so with much ease and grace, lovingly tenderly and I intend for them to move out at a speed fastest possible for my comfort and grounding
But more than release, I know for sure I would be able to use them in my work.
Mr Ng said to me: “you have always shared with me what other people say, what about you? What is your story? I want to hear your story. You should be in the frame.”
He saw the beauty of my beingness when I did not.
The reason and beauty of my being is to express. And when I do not do that, I could not come alive.
These two or three years when I left what I did professionally, a part of me stopped.
Where did you go —— I asked myself . And thank you for coming back. In fact, welcome back TPY——- I heard me say.
The feeling is the same that I felt seeing Nic on stage. The impossible had happened in a way to fetch me back.
And I could see now, how my guardian angels how the creator the source or god, has always been with me and in me———or else, how could I be here today saying this. At this time.
This time, it is the perfect time. Anything earlier or later would not have been.
And the magic in the essential oils —— Believe. And the affirmation I said every morning Michael Beckwith shared . He said to do it for a month and see what happens.
“I am available to more good than I have ever imagined . Let me co create a way of life with god that holds the insights and revelations the wisdom and intelligence that flows with time.”
I ask for support and all the resources on all levels to propel me in this direction of sharing my own light to the world. And it would be for the purpose of letting others see their own light and wonder.
It is Mr Ng’s greatest gift to me. He let me see the beauty of my light being . Always has been and will never go away.
And receiving that make me want to tend to this light I am born with privileged to bear and to share it outwards. To light another being.
Watching Korean travelogue “The Hungry and the Hairy” brought to mind that I once believed I was made for big things. I went to the best schools , had great results, was always ‘seen’ and ‘heard’. I made a name for myself. (Probably that was why I was so drawn to my ex boss SH, who also made dreams come true. ) But I gave up being big and decided to hide myself in small after Dad left us after Mom died. I hid my talents my wishes my purpose my mission along with those incidents. I stopped living me even if I m alive . Recently I had the feeling that I stopped myself when I left my last designation——- but now I realized I stopped myself even earlier.
No one else but me. I stopped myself from living my truth.
And I realized also, rather, I made the decision to not fall into another cycle of unhappiness with bf. I m no longer going to invest myself being upset. Been there done that. Enough is enough is enough.
I m going to live life devoted to protecting and sharing my light.
Is it any coincidence I woke up to these on 12/12?
Too many beautiful lines from the soul speaking out from this
Nims completed Project Possible- because so many thought it is impossible—- to summit the 14 world’s tallest mountains that go beyond 8000m, in 6 months 6 days and broke six world records in mountaineering.
This is about inspiring the human race
Don’t be afraid to dream big
Doesn’t matter where you come from. You can show the world, nothing is impossible
One of which is, “ but the biggest strength is —- I have no fear . I m going to go up there and make my own assessment.”
What is it like to have no fear?
Go there —- we all have to.
On the summit, your soul becomes part of the mountain. You come alive
Things went crazy. But I was so focused. Bring it on
Life is absurd but we can fill it with ideas, enthusiasm. You can fill your life with joy.
When you are in the mountains you find out who you really are. Any mistake I make could be death. But when it comes to that moment
You want to survive . You want to live. I climb so that I can live every moment of my life.
In such a focused concentration climbing and meditation is the same. When the pain forces you to go down . You keep going up.
You are on the edge of life and death . You are on the edge of all possibilities
You have to be willing to try. In trying, you also have a chance to fail
Dont listen to the others. Sometimes in life you have to take risk for yourself
A lot of people summited in his footsteps
In life , you have to keep doing what you believe. You have to ask yourself: do you really want this from your heart? Is this for self glory or for something bigger? Sometimes the idea you come up with may seem impossible to the rest of the world but it doesn’t mean it is impossible to you. And if you can inspire one or two people along the good way, then you can inspire the world
A unique statement in the history of mountaineering
What’s next? I haven’t started yet but We are going bigger
And so I ask you: Which mountain are you climbing? Whose mountain are you climbing —— now?
“The deep releasing of all family soul contracts, all fetters and ties and deep clearing and release at cellular and DNA levels, is now occuring.
You need to ASK for this, as you have free will and choice and has to do with your physical family and embodiment in the Old Earth.
Thank them for the soul lessons in mastery. It is indeed an act of pure, unconditional love.
As you are ready to step into fullness and truth and fullness of your new embodiment as one, in the New Earth, and the Eternal
Now, you are attracting your new soul family to you and those who now are as ONE with you and thus in ONENESS cocreate with great love and within the Divine Law of One. Sacred and sanctified.” Judith Kusel http://www.judithkusel.com
On 27 and 28 November, H.E. Tsoknyi Rinpoche gives a teaching of The Practice of the Four Immeasurable Qualities – loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy & equanimity – is the foundation of all Buddhist teachings to give rise to the sublime qualities of bodhicitta, the heart and mind of enlightenment. It dispels all our sufferings and manifests happiness and serenity in us.
To cultivate the Four Immeasurables requires a deep understanding of its meaning and genuine practice, time and again, in our daily life. H.E. Tsoknyi Rinpoche’s simple yet profound teaching serves to clarify these four immeasurable qualities and deeply root them in our mind. In time, with diligent practice, the heart will gradually open up and transform into boundless loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy & equanimity for ourselves and others.
This teaching is organised by Pundarika Malaysia with support from Tsoknyi Rinpoche Singapore.
Below is content as said by Tsoknyi Rinpoche on Nov 27.
Four Immeasurable qualities – loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy & equanimity is fundamental teaching for becoming bodhisattva and eventually becoming enlightened
door to bodhicitta
seed of bodhicitta
relevant in modern life
we need bodhiccita more than ever in our time
in one way, our world is going forward in many sense, esp medical economical world, but at same time, we are also facing some challenges and difficulties
we are facing subtle but pervasive suffering lack of spirituality and lack of bodhicitta
lack of true basic love
lack of connecting with our true nature suffused by love and loving kindness
we don’t really acknowledge the subtle suffering but affecting our lives and well being , mood way of thinking emotion, and we don’t really look for solution
creates a sad experience for ourselves and others, but many times pple don’t acknowledge the sadness
creates conflict between generations
to change the world starts from changing ourselves
time to time we need to change
focus of compassion traditionally is on pple who ae experiencing suffering, in times of now, we can turn the focus on the subtle
bodhicitta focus on all sentient beings, and on selfless love. But to achieve that we need to focus on ourselves first. The healthy self first, focus on making the healthy self in order to express bodhicitta selflessly to all sentient beings
keep intention selfless and for all sentient beings, to achieve that we have to start from ourselves and me
if our self is not healthy, we cannot express loving kindness to our loved ones and to all sentient beings
loving
many self is broken, tainted and becomes unhealthy
revive essence love
out of four immeasurable, most important is love and loving kindness
time to time we have to practice together
essence of loving kindness= essence love= express to someone abt your love care your willingness to offer protection and your wish of well being for others
pple think want to help but we don’t feel it
revive that basic wellbeing of essence love
otherwise its just a good idea, great thought but as a person are you able to do it
that hollow in you is more urgent than helping others
essence love: in subtle body language= bindu= not physical not cognition mind, in between there’s a special feeling connected to subtle body and is emerging and born or manifest out of bindu
bindu: not physical cognitive thinking,
prana: qi
nadi: nerve, subtle nerve
bindu, energy flow in nadi carried by qi, when it flows into different channels we feel good, when there is blockage, it doesn’t flow properly, we have different moods emotions and blocks essence love
subtle body has 2 levels: subtle and very subtle
the subtle dies with death of physical body
the very subtle goes with consciousness in bardo and carries into next life
without any reason, just feel ok in the core
we have misconception: we need to feel ok because of a reason,
pls don’t give it any reason or measure it, compare it
it is your birthright
it is part of your nature: no need reason
you have right to experience that
you experience when you are young
only thing is you didn’t know it
you didn’t know in the language of cognition but you experienced it: we lost that touch
that openness
that playfulness
that humour
we become serious task oriented we lost beautiful innocence in ourselves
essence love practice is to reconnect with that innocence okayness of basic beautiful love
when you nurture that you feel happy
you keep looking for why i m happy
you simply cannot accept that happiness
we are measuring comparing , and we start looking at unfulfilled areas, smthg happened 10 years ago and we look at that area, or smthg that might happen in future and we invite fear
there’s no time to simply appreciate that beauty
why cant you simply acknowledge that essence love is that one source of happiness
but instead worry all possibilities of smthg that might happen
of course smthg might happen in future, there are so many possibilities of change, negative to positive , positive to negative, this is the natural law you cannot fight
but we can be smart with them
what you are doing, learning, is a smart way of dealing with nature
acceptance is smart way of dealing with them
accept = when don’t accept everything, you realise you need to accept eg aging, but you can still be healthy
aging does not mean you should go down and be unhealthy
it could be that you have more money to spend, more time to practice essence love
we forget that essence love is one source of happiness
when you are happy you want to make people happy
making people happy is loving kindness= there are many different ways, simplest way is your smile, greetings, your tone of voice, your behaviour , how you move your body language, if your inner experience is cloudy moody, you only see your front road your negative mind more
when we experience essence love, we feel courage we are not bounded by chain of fear and that has tremendous power
best way of breaking chain of fear is essence love: you feel happy , less fear
not all fear are bad, there is healthy fear but there is no reference, there is no ground to judge as all is mixed up, when that happens we make a mistakes
when measurements come to you, it brings a lot of things, but your happiness is not that
of course there is many other happiness i call that extra happiness that comes and goes but but core happiness is from essence love: be confident and rest in this knowledge
but this code happiness if you know how to connect with this, it stays with you forever, that is real home, mental home, don’t be homeless in this way.
don’t have to be bothered by others, eventually they will experience your essence love
if you have doubts of essence love, don’t believe it, doubt is temporary and impermanent, comes and goes, don’t serve tea to doubt, or you are shaking your understanding and experience of essence love
just rest and be normal and humble and relax with this, appreciate it
drop the thinking mind, invite the awareness mind and be aware of feelings
just be aware of hat is connecting with body, just be aware
just feel and be aware
let it be open
openness comes from non judgement
the inner world manifest but we are not judging
non judging is kindness
allowing to manifest anything
allowing is kindness
openness is beyond like and dislike
relax with that openness
confusion might arise, its ok. arising of thoughts is ok, non arising is also ok
we have so many ways to express ourselves
let it be expressed
and that is freedom
freedom is kindness
be kind to yourself
let it come right or wrong, be open to all
okayness of essence love is bigger than clouds, turbulence, its a space
fear comes, be kind to the fear
fear is trying to protect you, be aware of fear, be okay to fear
one day fear and okayness coexist and that is essence love there
there might be fear but deep down is essence love
that okayness is essence love and there is a special feeling of well being
healthy to experience essence love when you have fear
be honest with your feelings
just say hi and not judge with open attitude in the sense of not blocking unpleasant feeling
there is another special feeling beyond pleasant and unpleasant
there is a special feeling beyond pleasant and unpleasant, and this special feeling can host pleasant and unpleasant feelings
in being okay with pleasant and unpleasant
and that is essence love
nurture that
nurture by simply being , be with that
being with it is nurturing
relaxing with that is nurturing
honour it
honouring is nurturing
paying attention with essence love is nurturing
no comparing is nurturing
without reason is nurturing
if keep doing that, there is an expression of essence love and you bring a mindful immeasurable mind training
all sentient beings wants happiness and the cause of happiness
may i be the person who can provide happiness to others
based on my essence love, i train myself to bring happiness to others to protect from unhappiness
may i become the protector of happiness, i would like to lead many pple to happiness
may i have the potential and the opportunity to use my potential in the right way
mind heart become one, connected and focussed for the well being of others
on the way of training this , sometimes it might not feel this way, be aware of this blockage, don’t need to feel sad. we all have this blockage and different issues
we all have different imprints and manifest different experiences
we have all different beautiful monsters, be aware of that
be kind to it, say hi to your blockages, its ok to have blockages, try not to suppress
be aware of these and just say hi
smile at these and feel them and practise lovingkindness with these
attitude changes, and change of attitude is kindness
the blockages is not me , is my imprint
something happened, it is impermanent, it is emptiness also
it might open up , don’t get too excited, just be ok with openness
this blockage might come again next time, be ok with that, that okayness is kindness
this blockage might not come again, be okay with that,
that okayness grows in you
and that is first step of developing essence love into expression love
the okayness kills irrelevant unhealthy fear
blockages might happen but okayness is opening eyes
okay with all the changes
okayness is fundamental solution along with all other solutions in life, its a mental strength that will solve your ups and downs and gives courage, not only your problem, but will help with others problems
this age needs this practice
you can connect anytime
time to time connect with that equanimity
pple think that essence love will come only with suffering but that is not true
when u lose faith in love, that is expression love, that love has obj and subj, you are losing faith in that, but even so, you do not lose essence love
you lose trust of duality love, you might face broken love with duality but you cannot ignore your birthright called essence love that is always loving to you even if you hate yourself
you might have unhappy experiences in conditional love but its impossible to have unhappy experience with essence love
to heal conditional love, only way is connect with essence love
heal beautiful monster first, internally you gain strength
then u express love and not afraid of taking love from others
Teaching on 28 Nov
Nov 28
After we practise essence love, we will have less unnecessary suffering, hopefully we find ourselves at home with confidence , a little bit of joy without reason, subtle and gentle happiness without reason
because of that we become a little less busy fixing on ourselves
Its human nature when we don’t feel ok, we want to feel ok and fix not ok to be ok—–not ok in the sense of hollow, meaningless and we want to fill that hollow by any means
we have the right to feel ok, but when we don’t feel ok and want to fix that hollow
and the beginning of inner consumption happens, of course there is consumerism on the outside but it opens inner hungry and we trying to fill the gap of the hollow, could be a spiritual consumerism might happen
so now you found okayness you are home you feel happy a little bit of joy and suddenly you have time . Wow i am not fixing myself , I am ok
I am ok with not ok
I don’t need to be busy fixing myself
there is an energy, urge and inner movement
what shall i do with this energy?
it starts to express and manifest
what shall i do with that
fix others ie fixing might not be a suitable word but it means to do smthg for others, this energy will not sleep
before, it was fixing myself, now it is fixing others and that is the beginning of expression love and it comes from essence love without hollowness
when you help others with joy, helping others can be a way of fixing myself, but now not anymore because i have essence love which is part of buddha nature
seed of relative bodhicitta starts to grow without hope fear to fix myself: this energy is inside me to focus on others, lets practise loving kindness unbiased loving kindness which is the fourth immeasurable, you are helping any sentient being close and far
when you don’t have fear and hope on yourself, you don’t need to fix yourself, lets use bodhicitta energy to help others
lets train my mind and heart
loving kindness if focussing based on happiness: may i bring happiness to all sentient beings
may i bring the cause of happiness to them
happiness is individual
there is a standard happiness and individual happiness
basic common happiness is related to physical body needs, almost all sentient beings have pain and pleasure
mental happiness is more complex, hopefully we have wisdom to help them grow based on case by case basis and on a non violent approach
individual happiness always need to go with non violence-means physical emotional and mental states
ultimate happiness is nirvana liberation and buddha hood
may i bring all sentient beings ultimate happiness ie end of suffering, end of 3 types of suffering, free from duality combination of ultimate bodhicitta and relative bodhicitta, i would like to serve all sentient beings and bring a state of buddhahood to all sentient beings
i may not have capacity now but i want to do that
this can happen when i have freedom
relative help i can help along the path of buddha hood; ultimate happiness i must achieve first if not I don’t have the power to serve all sentient beings
i decide right now that I will take the bodhisattva vow to serve all sentient beings, its a big promise but i m not aiming to achieve in one lifetime
i don’t mind how long it takes i m willing to take the risk. it is good risk, why not?
if i don’t do it now, when?liberation buddhahood might take several lifetimes or 500 lifetimes or how long, i don’t mind
it is a big heart to take the commitment
to achieve that i need to practise myself : all my practice is to heal suffering of others, i should practise the paramitas
i need a team of paramitas to lead my journey successfully
this heart starts to express essence love and essence love becomes bigger and bigger, big as vast as space: as long as sentient beings are in universe, may i become a useful person
i think big but start small: start this practice from my home with my children with my parents my partner and with myself, this 6 paramitas practice
I have to help myself, i have to be healthy myself, i have to be strong myself, this strong person can cary the mission of helping others: i should eat proper food and sleep at the right time, i should behave properly , follow bodhisattva ‘s path and practise emptiness express my relative bodhicittas etc accumulation of merit and wisdom, the 2 wings of the bird, i should stay still , i should practise samadhi, vipassana natural mind , to go beyond duality, I should take this seriously: so this heart is opening
Unless you have essence love, not easy to open heart. You might have beautiful thoughts and concepts but thought without feeling, concept without heart, so lets open heart first, when heart starts to express , thought follows
2 ways: thought brings feeling or feeling brings thought. in modern times a lot of the heart is blocked as we overtrain too much our thoughts as we train the cognitive and conceptual mind, we neglect feelings: now is time to take care of feelings
take care of your beautiful baby heart, its ok to be baby sometimes, bring humour and spontaneity that is part of baby, the carefree part with adult mind. Mind should grow up, heart should be sometimes baby
Head don’t be baby, will mess up everything. Think properly.
Ffeel essence love warmness of bodhicitta- this combination will fix yourself and others. Feelings come from heart; understanding comes from head: if you have both you have both wings and fly to nirvana.
Bodhisattva wings are very big, just be big hearted
When you have big heart, you are ready to see sufferings and is not afraid of suffering, is willing to suffer for others, compassion is not easy but can be achieved. compassion is focussed on eliminating suffering. Loving kindness is bringing happiness. Loving kindness turn into compassion and there’s a willingness to take on difficulties, not enjoying only your practice, you almost enjoying difficulties of others on yourself—there is guts, heroic heart mind. Whenever there is conflict or difficulty, you think about getting there and doing something, even if it might affect me, but I have essence love. I can go in and go out also, there’s not a dead road but light at the end of the tunnel. I know how to manage my state of mind, I will not be broken hearted or break down. i know how to manage my internal emotions and i can come back to my home, and I m willing to take difficulties. That is not easy but easy to say. Its difficult to do, but if you do a little bit it has tremendous effect. It directly connects with your self centredness, self cherishing I is provoked.
I- i want to be relaxed have my own time, everyone should have their own time, why should I help? Everyone has ability to fix their own problems why should I be involved? There are thousands of reasons not to be involved, rights, karma etc not to fix others problems. And we miss out-hidden agenda within us, to be caught up in modern comforts. Trying to maintain comfort zone.
I will do bodhisattva activity if I m in my comfort zone, i can help when I m in my comfort zone but once I m out I m sorry. eg I have to have air purifier in my room, I must have the right temperature etc then I can conduct bodhisattva’s activity. Without that I will pray for you.
Many people have good hearts but many are locked up in their comfort zone. As a bodhisattva you need to suffer a little. High low temperature doesn’t matter, without air purifiers doesn’t matter, this comfort zone comes from the chicken hearted—-you can be easily trapped inside this
We need guts to breakout of cocoon of comfort zone, in trying to minimise pain of sentient beings, when you have that heart, it is compassion, that heart will drive your thoughts.
When you have compassionate heart, you will find the solutions, humans have the ability —- if you really want to do something, you will figure it out
If you have a heart of compassion, we will find out from our intelligent mind what to do. For me, between thoughts and feelings , feelings are more powerful. If you want to do something and you feel from your heart deep down, you will find a solution to complete that wish, you will step out of comfort zone. And you will sacrifice. If you can see great beings in this world, they all have this urge from the heart first then they look for solutions. Milarepa has this urge from the heart. Every human has a secret agenda, as a buddhist this is our secret agenda -loving kindness compassion is our hidden agenda. Normally hidden agenda others don’t know , so when you practise this bodhicitta , people don’t know, if they know its ok, if they don’t know you don’t need to say it. You don’t need anyone’s approval, confirmation or appreciation
You can be a normal person but having the heart of a bodhicitta, mind of wisdom, you can practise in any field. You maybe practicing the path of bodhissatva for 10 years but your partner does not know, but you always give surprises. He or she doesn’t need to know. You are generating inner beauty, inner beauty doesn’t age. Physical beauty might age, not mind. Your relationship with partner maintained by bodhicitta,
In order to maintain the relationship, you need to have attraction. Bodhicitta is the source of attraction. Every sentient being appreciates goodness of something, when you naturally display goodness, others are surprised . That surprise will maintain your relationship and keeps its going as you do more practice.
I appreciate people who display goodness, it makes me cry
You don’t have to say: i am a bodhisattva practitioner , you have to bring tea to my door and know that i am doing this for all
Talk or don’t talk doesn’t matter, the warmness of your heart will warm others
Long term partners don’t usually talk, scared of talking I know, but not talking does not mean you need to be frozen or cold with each other. Sometimes not talking is also co-operation. But always be warm hearted with bodhicitta.
One day both parties will be happy even if don’t talk. Warmth of sun of bodhicitta is warming things . Both very comfortable in the house.Bodhicitta needs to begin at home with your children parents partners
The world is not perfect. Bodhicitta is not about being perfect to others, bodhicitta is embracing others, not correcting others but helping others, there’s no win or lose, not right and wrong. Very hard to say what is right and wrong, due to different perspectives. Many family problems occurs because of different perspectives of claiming right and wrong.. different opinions different ways of expressing…which, is very small things, ok to lose sometimes. Bodhicitta is not asking to win all the time. Losing something is also part of the bodhicitta sometimes. Its very beautiful practise— i wish the world can do more of this lovingkindness and compassion practice.
‘Please teach my wife bodhicitta, i want her to practise more and she will follow what i say or what i want. I want to help her, she’s really suffering. I really feel compassion to her’——-if you have really this compassion its good but you might need to change something. If you really want to practise, you have to change something. Nobody is always right and nobody is always wrong.
If someone claims he is always right it means he is always wrong. Bodhisattva is willingness to take suffering difficulties sacrifice with strong heart. Compassion does not have any romantic sense-its a hard core practice . Don’t think you practice compassion and you will be happy. You will have happiness in the form of satisfaction, not happy happy but in the form of satisfaction .
Don’t aim for happy happy you will have a different kind of happiness within the suffering in the satisfaction way, its a deeper form of happiness outside of comfort zone happiness, within the difficulties. There will be joy, a different kind of joy, and you want that joy for all sentient beings. May they be free from sufferings and always be in happiness and joy, and this joy is not elimination of suffering, is joy with bodhicitta’s heart and wisdom. Bodhisattvas never wish there is no suffering, there’s always suffering, and may I go there to do something and suffer together and reduce the suffering of others.
When you practise compassion, it is the beginning of bodhicitta
——Practice——-
Sometimes when we train compassion, we get lost into our thoughts. When this happens, come back to focus on essence love, use mindfulness and awareness and reconnect with your basic well being. Or you can recognise your natural mind.Natural mind is ultimate bodhicitta. Free from duality -no subject no object you are no generating anything you just be in it. Don’t worry about the feelings, thoughts, just stay—as a mirror. You do not need to feel guilty that you are not feeling anything towards sentient beings.
Natural mind is eliminating ignorance and bringing more wisdom. On the way to help sentient beings we need wisdom. Resting in natural mind is also bodhicitta. Because I have to be free from confusion, more clear and my mission becomes more successful. If I become calm and clear and luminous, my mission becomes more effective.
I don’t feel sentient beings at this moment, but resting in natural mind is part of helping sentient beings. Because I didn’t lose my hidden agenda, resting in natural mind is fulfilling my agenda. If we are clear of our hidden agenda, no matter what you do, the practice is part of bodhicitta. Bodhicitta is not always i feel you I love you, sometimes no feeling but making yourself more capable -so you don’t need to feel guilty.
We are all tainted by our imprints, reacts to our triggers. we are not that different
Its friday, as usual we went to dad’s place for dinner.
The kids had decided that they were going to do a staycay at grandpa’s the weekend, ah mei ayi had prepared popcorn and the kids wanted to watch “Finding Nemo”. They told me the last time they did a staycay, ah yi let them watch whatever they wanted when she showered, and then something educational.
We walked back home to collect sports shoes and some clothes as ah yi had wanted to bring them for a morning walk tomorrow and to bring them to breakfast. Its been a while since they popped into any shopping centre as we were not vaccinated and were not allowed to visit malls.
The kids were excited and were game enough to walk home to collect whatever they needed.
But after we did that, and walked more than halfway back to grandpa’s, I realised the kids had slippers on and forgot to wear their sports shoes. SO we had to walk back home again. And when we finally took all that we needed, Qinzhi forgot to get coins to take a bus and we had to walk all the way.
Dropped the kids and finally walked home my home. As the breeze caressed me, i felt the quiet happiness emanating from inside me. Its so quiet so subtle but so very real.
I am happy, even if we had to walk back and forth so many times. I am happy because I am so very contented and grateful for what I have.
The kids are really lovely, its a privilege to be able to mommy them. They are well and happy. I m grateful to be here with them. I am grateful I have my father, my sister and brother, my husband, people around me who love and appreciate me. I am grateful that I have the gift of writing and there are people who would be willing to pay me to write and produce videos.
I want to do my best to heal and once more, I am reminded that there is nothing to forgive.
I want to do my best at being healthy joyful, full of vitality and energy, I want to be here with them as long as I can —just to be with them.
I m ready. I’m available to more good than I’ve ever imagined. Let me co-create a way of life with God that allows me to hold the insights and revelations, the wisdom and the intelligence that are flowing all of the time.
Even if I m trying to explain why I am happy, it is not because of these reasons that I am happy.
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