Ron gave me the St Benedict medal. Sasha asked khenpo dorje to do a divination and the reply was that “u hv a astral flotsam attached. Not too serious but definitely disembodying. U ll be fine!💐🌺🌸💐🌺🌸”

And Sasha’s advice was

“Yes these entity-things can try to drain yr energy & shape-shift around u … so u r probably feeling what its feeling! They r like giant mosquitoes that inject their own emotions & drain yr energy. The practice is to Be Yourself as much as u can.Really they can be easily removed”

The practice is to be yourself

Well I was searching for myself – and for that matter , searching really hard of late. And this learning had to come to really drive me down to getting every wee bit of mySELF out

I used to be a really sensitive child

My nanny would say, if people wanted to share red eggs celebrating a baby’s full month of being, and they showed the eggs in my face I would cry non stop or get a fever

I recall having lots of talisman burned waters in my childhood

That day when I shared this with Helena, she said, “ maybe this is the real you but out of fear you blocked it- and blocked everything out. But maybe you could use this in a way to help yourself and others. Learn to shield yourself and take only what you need. Practice !”

She asked me，” actually what are you afraid of ?”

Now as I try make sense of it – The feeling is almost as if fear is part of me. I have grown so accustomed to it it constitutes my identity

But really – what is TPY like without fear? Who can she be?

I told Sasha I must be at a low and she agreed because “that ll be when they attach Positivity has a kind of natural buoyant energetic protection.Low thins out the energy …”

I know.

And I learned a lot about myself from this episode

The message that came through in the run was “ you asked for expanded consciousness didn’t you?”

Yes I did and this is one instance where my consciousness is expanded and can feel a bigger spectrum

But like Helena said, be conscious and learn to shield yourself from anything that affects you

Like Sasha said, “ be yourself”

As a child, I was always carrying a lot of fear, I was afraid of the dark and mysterious . I always had my imagination wild and created more fear because of that- estranging myself further from reality

Carried by fear carried in fear, I lost myself.

Totally lost it.

Ula said,” i guess you need love to you & your family..bcz i think you had lose some feel of love”

I asked for the reason of my existence and 2 days before we went to the beach in the evening

I was happied out. I haven’t felt that simple joy outwards from the heart in a long time

Seeing how the kids had fun and played with water with bf, I got my answer.

These folks in front of me are my reason. I thanked the universe for hearing me and replying back to me

And today after my run, I saw bf bathed in the sun walking towards me

He is my reason – that boy who loved me loves me knows me through and through and anchors me

And interestingly this time, with the knowing of the divination, I kind of felt quite at peace

I told myself to create a lot of space – when the space becomes really big, anything in that is dwarfed in smallness

And I drew notes from my learnings from Tibetan Buddhism practice- awareness. Just be aware

Sometimes I felt so sad and HuaiHao asked me, why are so so sad? I don’t have an explanation for him

Sasha said I could be feeling not me

And I was actually chanting a lot and dedicating the merits outwards feeling a lot of compassion for other beings and being grateful that I m in a position to chant and dedicate

I know that I did not do anything wrong and so I will be safe and protected

Most of all each time I trust the divine and protection is with me, I get goose bumps

In all of this practice, patience and openness is helpful. I recall all the Angel numbers that I kept seeing: 11:11 444 12:12 and the like , apparently it is a sign that I m travelling on the right path

Even at my level when things felt so out of place I kept seeing these

I suck out the very essence of light in me to venture forward. I trust that I can heal myself I trust and have faith in my own light

And I m most thankful I have so many supportive circles around me and most of all, I have Guru Rinpoche and all these wonderful mantras to anchor on

And, and -the sun was brilliant today. Sharing it with you.