The best direction- facing the sun and to bathe in its glow
Got back to running after the bout of runny nose and cough
And it’s not as tough. When it got a bit draggy, I pulled my mind back.
Remembering the law of cause and effect which governs everything in the universe, I thanked myself for planting a seed of which would blossom in the future
And the name of the seed would be healthfulness and vitality
Then I started to thank my body for working with me running with me and giving me this opportunity to practice
And somehow the idea came along that I deserve.
Indeed I deserve.
I deserve nothing but the best in life, the best kind of love (and the thought immediately arise- that I actually have), the best kind of remuneration package, the best people, opportunities, stories which I would write,…
And it got to the point of realizing that while I have been searching and working on a best story I would be willing to account for and be proud of putting my name to. While I have been doing that all this while
The most important story and the best one would be writing one about/for myself, and that is in the works everyday. Always evolving. Seeing this brought me to see Mr Ng once more. He was the one who put this question to me- what about your story? You should be in front of the camera.
And what are the themes of the chapters I have been writing about ?
Do I want to write chapters that I have written? Storylines that have seen light?
The answer is pretty obvious.
No one is stopping me or can do that. Other than myself.
At a certain point in time, I must have instilled an act of judging and thinking that I am undeserving
And it goes that the person to untie this resolve this is myself.
The person to kickstart anything and everything is myself
And the work to do – is really to cherish and hold myself dear.
And my legs picked up speed.
I saw a flight take off.
It’s time.
Thankful and grateful for the practice and inspiration this morning.
This has been a post that has been in my heart for a few days, but I just can’t seem to nail it.
I Want To Write This; I Can’t/Don’t Know How To
It’s not the words- it’s the feelings, the exact feelings.
What happens on the outside is a reflection of your inner world, what you experience is a mirror. And there is always a reason why you pick out certain things. Such as how I picked out this Korean drama – Agency.
I knew why only after I continued watching it after stopping for a while.
Agency
Agency chronicles the work and life of Go A In, a go getter and a super competitive creative director at an agency. There is no work life balance for her, she pops pills to the extent of sleep walking but wins almost every race in the cut throat world of advertising. She always manages to look beyond the surface the mundane and the ordinary to distill the essence of an ad and nails the exact message to target the right audience.
She has heart, she refuses to do an ad for a “financial institution”- even if it was authorised and legal. Even if she needed that ad to contribute to a sales target -failing which she would have to quit her job and lose to her competitor Choi who would do everything to pit her her fall from grace. The show goes in a big way to show how Choi tries to take sides with whoever is in power to take her down.
The drama is nerve wrecking slightly and requires you to sit up, because all the acting is good and the plot grips you. It shows you how the real world is, and how office politics comes to play.
The drama is successful at bringing up a lot of pain for someone who has been in corporate and been through the race to be at the top. It shows you how cruel and heartless the world can be, and when you are forced to take sides, who do you take sides with? How the useless is let go of. How the competitor tries to confuse you. How to see beyond that? How the real work is done in the background by a real high king who is behind the scenes and manipulating the whole show, and everyone else is but a pawn on a game of chess. The high king wants Go A In to be the source of tension between his two grandchildren who are fighting for his legacy. Then there is a thread on how conglomerate families work together for a ‘greater good’ to combine powers.
Essentially- how to play this game at work to really score what you want. As with all Korean dramas which are big on values, the drama goes to show how the bootlickers eventually fall into their own pit. And the good eventually wins.
There is another thread which shows how a potential heiress Kang Hanna falling in love with her driver Park – below, who is beneath her. She wants to change the world but her uncle Mun Ho tells her, “ you either change the world or let the world change you. But in an ideal world, people change themselves.”
While the dreamy Hanna wants to change the world , Park chooses leave her. He acts out of love , thinking that if he stays he will become Hanna’s biggest weakness to claiming her position and legacy. He has the idea that without him by her side, Hanna will get stronger. Before he leaves, Go A In reminds him that – a weakness needn’t always be removed.
In the drama, CEO Mun Ho whom Go A In and Choi report to, has lost his power. He plays his game of go in his office. He is not reactive, and observes the power play in the office with a keen eye.
He knows when to use his energy/power and when not to. Keeping silent and dormant-but quietly in wait for the right time to come back to power. When Go A In fails to keep her promise of increasing the company’s sales by 50% and tenders her resignation, he says,
“Life becomes easier when I lost my power at the company. I had nothing to worry about as there were no conflicts.However, this is the first time in ten years that I regret losing my power. ‘
This was him paying Go A In a great compliment
When Go A In is in trouble, he heads directly to the ”high king” who is always a behind the scenes but in control and directing what is on the outside. In exchange for helping Go A In, he agrees to what the high king wants and comes back to control.
“What did you give the old chairman to save me?” Go A In asked.
‘I only gave him what he wanted to get what I wanted.’ “But you will be resuming your old job and that would be what you didn’t want to do.”Go A In reminded.
“ In life, you can’t always do what you want do . Do what you believe is right. Like you have always done.”
The next time Go A In goes to him for advice, their conversation went this way .
“when there’s no way what do you do?”
“You make a way“
“No those who never worked properly would say such things. You don’t need a way. Don’t look for a way. Just keep doing what you do. And when you succeed, others will call that the way.”
“Just do it?”
“Just stick to your way . Who knows something unexpected can happen.”
“You keep rowing the boat when there is no wind “
The wise one is always not reactive , he does not forget but merely lies low and waits for the time to act out
A similar character is Yoo Jeong Seok, who used to be Go A In’s boss, but is ousted in a power play by Choi many years back, and is called useless. He lies low and opens a bar which is difficult to sustain. In a turn of events, Choi who ousted Yoo invites him back to the office to be Go A In’s boss, in a bid to clamp her wings and to make her lose her position. Go A In is so disappointed in her senior Yoo. She goes to him for advice whenever she is confused. He was the one who trained her. But her light has gone off. She goes back to drinking and eating sleeping pills. She has no one else to fall back on. ‘ There is no traitors in this world, the one who trusts is to blame, I came all this way only to come back to where I was?”
In a conversation with Go a In, Yoo tells her, “don’t trust what you see. Don’t look at the rod but look at the bait to understand.”
But in another twist, unknown to Choi, Yoo’s real purpose coming back is to expose Choi on tv , bringing himself down as well- quoting Choi when Choi ousted years ago- that the useless has no place in this industry.
But Go A In says, “ if you use yourself as bait, how is it revenge”
We may forgive but-what about forgetting? The drama offers a suggestion that you could wait for an opportunity to get back at whoever wronged you.
“It is disrespectful to receive something and not pay it back.”
There are so many interesting quotes and reminders as above, which show encapsulate how things work in the business world, such as give and take, to become king you need comrades who are strong, but after you become king, all you need are obedient servants. Such as, when things go well, people tend to make mistakes, when they think everything is over. Such as if you have something to say, be clear about it. Such as dont try to live on, just live for today. Such as when things go well the owner takes the credit. When things fail, the servant takes the blame.
I like this one – “what people think. Why should I let others tell me when/where to stop?”
There is another thread on kinship and portrays how Go A In meets her mother who deserts her when she was a child.
The drama helps her get out of the knot in her heart by a parallel of an insurance ad she took on . In it featuring a mother who blames herself for the death of her daughter. In the ad, the mother gets to relive the moment her daughter got knocked down by a vehicle thru VR. And saw for herself why she couldn’t save her daughter- she was fearful and she chose herself over her daughter , afterwards not being able to forgive herself for that.
The same with Go A In’s mother too. She left A In out of fear for her debt ridden husband who kept coming after her for money. She confessed to A In, she was scared
In the VR session , the mother conquered her fear and saved her daughter and told her she was sorry
The exact words were what Go A In’s mother said.
The drama shows her forgiving her mother and supporting her. When she was not sure , it was Yoo who told her, “sometimes the one you support ends up becoming your support.”
This all sounds too familiar
And as you would have it, the baddies fail in their attempts and fall from grace, while the upright ones are honoured and Go A In becomes CEO.
And why am I so hooked? Because the titles are really good ! This one reads-What you want to do, what you shouldn’t do and what you need to do. Another reads:
But what this show does is remind me of the days when pain was excruciating and life was hard. I knew what the drama was talking about. People step on you to succeed. It also reminded me to my time at my top.- I missed that, being in control, having my own team and making things work, creating campaigns and seeing thought turn to reality. It obviously was resonating with me lots because the values that drove Go A In to the top drove me too. Things like, “ it does not matter what others say, if you are an adult , you keep to your words.” And I stuck to my values till the end.
And seeing Go A In’s eventual rise to the top was heartening. It made me even more aware of that yearning in my heart to be successful. I feel hopeful and considered that position I gave up.
The other titles marking each episode were:
A Swan incessantly kicks its legs beneath the surface
Think strategically act crazy
When a lion begins the hunt the jungle trembles in fear
A candle shines brighter than the sun at night
Make sure to listen even to a fool
The check always comes
The hour between dog and wolf
Forgetting what was lost
Only those you trust can stab you in the back
And this one, the last one.
Chef Cheung
My story for chef Cheung was published online on 15 august, in English and so many years after I stopped writing in English. It reminded me of the time when my first story in the newspaper was published. That was 20 years back? But the feeling of writing a good piece, something I can account for and put my name to- is extremely rewarding. I was ecstatic
I got myself back.
My head no my heart kept spinning- spinning out pitches and stories I could do , where to send them off to. Happy as a lark. Excited-because you know there is as good story and there is this chance of writing it
I had to share this with my husband- and he wrote back:”it’s passion at work.”
And it hit right at my heart at its most tender.
I want to get back right where I stopped myself. There is a Chinese saying, pick yourself up where you fell. This moment is it. And these moments were felt in the cinema- I was watching Mission Impossible with Huaihao, and my eyes were warm and wet, when the title flashed across the screen, I saw Mission: I M Possible.
I felt a feeling of fullness, inexplicable, the feeling of having come full circle. It made me aware that the past four years of not doing is important every step of the way, And nothing was ever wasted. Everything in there was a lesson for me, and I would learn as much as I wanted , or as little as I wished,
Those moments were extremely rich and full and whole, filled with gratitude and wholehearted acceptance.
It brought to mind what I wanted to do- to build my brand, TPY, to continue to write with heart, to create content that warms the heart, to make one feel hopeful, and willing to try once again.
And I ask the universe the divine for all the support I need on all fronts to do this. In the afternoon, I got a call from an ex work partner to ask me to work on content for a restaurant.
And I asked why I am watching Mission Impossible ? A few days back, I was on the conversation of doing something impossible with huaihao at bedtime, that got me. The thrill the satisfaction of doing something that seemed impossible, but made possible by me.
And this was another movie that was strung with lots of excitement and highs.
Tired
I fell into the tired trap again. Head heavy, some tension over my head and face.
Tired out.
I feel like I couldn’t really hear the outside and I am in
It reminds me of the movie Breaking Ice – a new film by Anthony Chen which I watched last week in order to establish a proper chat with him next
The story , set in china’s Ivy cold region of yanji , bordering Korea, goes to talk about three youngsters whose fire for life or dreams have been deeply locked into a frozen state
And how this deep freeze found its melt
Is this me too?
I’m beginning to wonder if this feeling of tired is a state of freeze I find myself in when I am triggered
It seems so
Tired and reactive. Strung. Want to shut off and shut down. Just want to lie down and sleep.
Low.
It feels like some kind of stress , of not wanting to face up to reality , choosing to wallow. What is my mind resisting? To see perhaps, to make a decision. To continue on this path revisiting this cycle . Feeling like I have no choice but really and indeed- I have.
I will just stay here for a while. With the feelings. Not judging and just be.
Its been a long while since Qinzhi woke up to a walk with us on a weekend, and no I really love having her with me on my walk as we chat and laugh over the littlest things. Most importantly, its about having her being in nature , getting a bit of sun and breeze.
While it may seem like these are the most unimportant things, I believe there will be one day Qinzhi comes to realise how important these are. Light, sun, breeze.
On National day, I took the kids out to watch the jet display and fireworks, it’s the first time I am doing this with them and needless to say! we had a great time.
This is Huaihao poking fun at Qinzhi. These days, the two of them have a lot of fun laughing at dinner time on the table. And I love it, there should be laughter in a home. It means that the kids feel safe and comfortable, and relaxed.
Time flies and we are nearing September, the time when the school holidays come on. The continual assessments have made their way here and left. Qinzhi is happy to have gotten the results she wanted for a few subjects whilst for some others, she failed her own expectations.
But does this even matter.
Ten years down the road, will you even remember even if you felt unhappy or sad? Life is bigger than that.
But school had its eventful share of happenings too. One day Qinzhi came back clearly shaken and frozen . A classmate had shouted at her for asking the teacher again if a test was on that day.
And Qinzhi said that if she had not controlled herself, she would have shouted back at her classmate
But she came home so disturbed and remained so the next day. She skipped school and woke up with a puffy face.
It’s understandable that she is disturbed but I think it’s a very good thing to be taught to her. This event is a great teacher helping her learn to know how to be mindful and what not to mind
More so – to manage her own feelings and emotional state
Because that is the only thing she needs to be accountable to- herself and her health
And I hope she takes away important lessons this time. That there is nothing she cannot get pass
Separately , we had a lot of fun too watching Kdrama The King Land and my daughter is now swooning over korean actors already. I wonder where the time went?
And Qinzhi is my biggest reader and fan. When my story for The Peak came out, Qinzhi told me she read it on her way home and she found it inspiring. She says she enjoys reading this blog too, and she finds it motivating. I certainly hope she grows into one of her own, finding her own inspiration and passion along the way.
Then on Saturday after clearing all her papers, we headed out for dim sum and venchi ice cream for a little shakeup of energy
I asked HuaiHao to feel me. And he says, “ you are tired. I don’t touch your head I also know.”
I asked him why does he think I am tired and he says, “ feels like overheating. You have too many things going on inside your head and the body cannot keep up”
It does feel like there are a bit more things going on now. Becoming a writer again for publications and wringing my head to make the most out of an interview
Looking and relooking . Reading and re reading. Editing and editing all over again the story I wrote until it feels like I cannot edit anymore.
For a few hundred dollars? Sometimes – tens of dollars? What is this really for?
Then we chat about other things and HuaiHao asked me to exercise and exert myself on an every day basis.
He reminds me, “ it takes months and years (to show the result), you can’t expect to run today and get yourself lean and muscular tomorrow.”
How did this little one get so much knowledge- no wisdom?
I told him how thankful I am to meet him and Qinzhi and to be their parent.
“It’s like if that sperm was 1 second earlier or 60 seconds later, it might not have been you or Qinzhi.” I said.
And we hugged.
That was the most important thing. The best part. The healing.
I told Huaihao I snagged a chance to write for SXXX. And he went, wow!
At bedtime. I think I must have woken him up.
“Are you happy?” I asked? He said, “What do you think ? Of course I am! “
I told him my fears and worries. And he went, “Why are you discouraging yourself? You should be happy! Its SXXX! You know?”
I asked him why he thinks I have these fears, worries? And he asks me not to think about that.
“How many people can say that? That my mommy is writing for SXXX?”
That kind of got me. This did not cross my mind at all. But Huaihao pointed it out.
My line of thought went back to the time when we discussed impossibility. I told Huaihao how I got hold of this exclusive interview-and then onwards to this story pitch which seemed impossible as well.
The impossibility of things and doing something along those lines, kind of piqued me and motivates me.
“Do I make you proud of me?”
“You should be proud of yourself mommy.”
The next thing I did was to raindrop Qinzhi. It’s our precious time together. We chat about anything and everything, it was mundane and it was good. The littlest things are precious and I just love how Qinzhi opens her arms to welcome me in for hugs. It feels like I reached home. And I hug her at her legs while she does her dome.
If anything, spending time with children is bliss bliss and bliss. We get to see things through their eyes, their world-newer than our own perhaps. We get to experience things we might not have been able to.
The everyday is bliss. Often times we want to reach for the skies, and in that, we kind of made things we have small or at least incomparable. But if you know- how precious this is.
It’s NDP and HuaiHao said he wanted to see the flag flypast the once a year fireworks display.
And thankfully I heeded his advice
But the fighter keys were the real deal for the day
They always got me emotional and I do not know why
I love the roar of it. Deafening. But more so stirring my heart. HuaiHao and Qinzhi said they could feel the roar tugging at their hearts
But I had a chat with HuaiHao at bedtime and I know why now
It’s the impossibility of that feat. The vertical climb in seconds and still in control. And not losing it. What kind of a person is behind that yoke? how does he manage that ? How does he see that the impossible gets done.
I was still talking about this yesterday. Getting stars to cook at the Michelin gala. Getting an exclusive for Cedric Grolet.
Getting the impossible done. Seeing that it gets done.
On our way home on the mrt, I saw an old gentleman smiling while looking at his recording of the parachutist – it’s beautiful this scene I saw. The uncle was reliving moments of the national day parade earlier
And I thought to myself, I want to do content do work or live in such a way that brings smile joy a sense of peace to another.
There was also the fireworks which literally inspire you to be nothing short of spectacular. Even if it was moments
I’m so thankful for my kids and to have the opportunity to see these with them today!
May everyone get the opportunity to see spectacular things people places !
The intention was to find the answers I need to help me move forward.
Ever since I came back from my trip, I find my body slowing down, sometimes I felt like my coordination was up in slips
This gave me worries and fears. Anxiety built up and I went – as usual to search for answers.
Was it stress? What was I really worried about? What bothered me?
So I set this intention for the run today
And I heard these flost into my awareness
– Run deliberately. Breathe deliberately. Go about your life’s littlest things deliberately.
– You created all this, all these extra things with some form of discontent with the present, that present you have had. You wanted something else other than that,
Let’s just say you didn’t really put yourself in the now
My way of tackling an issue is asking why but that did not work for me. It always brought me into a whirlwind of unsettled emotions which confused and thwarted my balance. So I asked. And the answer came.
– whatis the best thing you can do in this moment? Or this next moment ? What is the step you can work on. Just do that.
–release. I realize all worries fears doubts self criticism and judgments I have in my system ever since the beginning of time and
– the mind body connection is very real. I hesitated about my way forward and my body merely showed that to me because it was not apparent to me
– what was it that really bothered you? What was stopping you? I asked. Worries (again?) about the kids? My abilities? Actually- no.
It was not knowing exactly what or how I want to live my life.
The last few episodes of The King Land echoed to me.
Won’s mother came to his father and asked of him to let the child live as he wants. To live the life he wants. She said that when she erroneously left Won as a child, she thought that would be the way to protect him, but in that decision she gave up the opportunity to live the life she wanted
She asked Won’s father , “ and did you live the life you want?”
In the final episode, Sarang decides to leave the King Hotel in which she was a top performer. She breaks the news to Won on the same occasion he wants to propose to her. And he keeps the ring back knowing that to love is to allow, to let the other’s dream take priority before yours.
He only asks of her, “ promise that on this journey when you find it tough alone, call me and I will run over”
When Sarang was in confusion trying to decide, she confided in her grandmother
“I’m wondering if the work I do at the hotel is what I really want to do? This isn’t what I dreamed of. I know I should be thankful instead of complaining.“
“My baby has finally learned to grumble and whine. No matter how well known a restaurant is, it’s no use if it’s not to your liking. Who cares about the hotel? you only live once. You should do what you want to do. Don’t mind other people. And don’t hesitate either. Do everything you want to. If it isn’t the way you can take a detour. If you fall off a cliff you can climb back up again. You will be fine. I’m here for you so do whatever you want to do.”
her grandmother put things into perspective for her, “”
And the question that is begging: what IS the life I want? Did I live life the way I want?
I think the last few years had me searching—- I was asking a lot on the inside and that translated to exploring on the front outside. I picked up things here and there and tried things that echoed to me
But they are not exactly mine. Perhaps at most, I rubbed of them a little. I was inspired. I tried to emulate and embrace. But they didn’t last because it’s not me and I would always feel bad about not persevering.
And so, at this point in time, I am asked to find my way. To start living. To be me.
Knowing what you truly want- that is the highest position.
Still fascinated or having questions about the now.
So the practice follows the intention yesterday- to bring me to the now
And I was asking myself the question- what is in the now?
As I ran, the answers came.
Inspirations for my work. Questions I could ask newsmakers. Stories I could pitch. Things I can cook for lunch.
My mind was running everywhere in the now.
Then the wind came along. I used it to shower my body with the freshness it brought.
I asked it to cleanse me if the excessive energies and anything that no longer supports me.
I felt good with/ in the wind and that brought about feelings of gratitude. I thank my body for running with me, the divine for the opportunity and myself for showing up.
Running in the cool wind made me happy! Now brought me joy- if I am aware.
When I a bit lazy, I used the now to set the intention to plant this seed of healthfulness for my future.
And it appears to me- now is everything and anything. It’s emptiness but fullness or wholeness as well.
It’s where things are created and the future is paved.
I set the intention to have the practice of running help me come to the now.
And it did
NOW.
Such a simple word but profound in any and every way you can think of.
Thoughts came in the run. People came. And I kind of felt it visually – like a pull of their energy coming towards me.
And I asked myself why.
Attachments. Things to do. Things not yet finished. Lingering doubts tensions. Unresolved
I saw how my mental afflictions and delusions were. I saw how and where I put my energy or focus on. I saw how my heart clung on or attached to. I saw grasping.
And the wind came.
I saw it rustling the leaves and wished you could too.
I asked it to help me be in the now.
When I run without anything else. Running wholeheartedly and without anything else with emptiness is such bliss
Yellownblac's II Weblog 