This has been a post that has been in my heart for a few days, but I just can’t seem to nail it.

I Want To Write This; I Can’t/Don’t Know How To

It’s not the words- it’s the feelings, the exact feelings.

What happens on the outside is a reflection of your inner world, what you experience is a mirror. And there is always a reason why you pick out certain things. Such as how I picked out this Korean drama – Agency.

I knew why only after I continued watching it after stopping for a while.

Agency

Agency chronicles the work and life of Go A In, a go getter and a super competitive creative director at an agency. There is no work life balance for her, she pops pills to the extent of sleep walking but wins almost every race in the cut throat world of advertising. She always manages to look beyond the surface the mundane and the ordinary to distill the essence of an ad and nails the exact message to target the right audience.

She has heart, she refuses to do an ad for a “financial institution”- even if it was authorised and legal. Even if she needed that ad to contribute to a sales target -failing which she would have to quit her job and lose to her competitor Choi who would do everything to pit her her fall from grace. The show goes in a big way to show how Choi tries to take sides with whoever is in power to take her down.

The drama is nerve wrecking slightly and requires you to sit up, because all the acting is good and the plot grips you. It shows you how the real world is, and how office politics comes to play.

The drama is successful at bringing up a lot of pain for someone who has been in corporate and been through the race to be at the top. It shows you how cruel and heartless the world can be, and when you are forced to take sides, who do you take sides with? How the useless is let go of. How the competitor tries to confuse you. How to see beyond that? How the real work is done in the background by a real high king who is behind the scenes and manipulating the whole show, and everyone else is but a pawn on a game of chess. The high king wants Go A In to be the source of tension between his two grandchildren who are fighting for his legacy. Then there is a thread on how conglomerate families work together for a ‘greater good’ to combine powers.

Essentially- how to play this game at work to really score what you want. As with all Korean dramas which are big on values, the drama goes to show how the bootlickers eventually fall into their own pit. And the good eventually wins.

There is another thread which shows how a potential heiress Kang Hanna falling in love with her driver Park – below, who is beneath her. She wants to change the world but her uncle Mun Ho tells her, “ you either change the world or let the world change you. But in an ideal world, people change themselves.”

While the dreamy Hanna wants to change the world , Park chooses leave her. He acts out of love , thinking that if he stays he will become Hanna’s biggest weakness to claiming her position and legacy. He has the idea that without him by her side, Hanna will get stronger. Before he leaves, Go A In reminds him that – a weakness needn’t always be removed.

In the drama, CEO Mun Ho whom Go A In and Choi report to, has lost his power. He plays his game of go in his office. He is not reactive, and observes the power play in the office with a keen eye.

He knows when to use his energy/power and when not to. Keeping silent and dormant-but quietly in wait for the right time to come back to power. When Go A In fails to keep her promise of increasing the company’s sales by 50% and tenders her resignation, he says,

“Life becomes easier when I lost my power at the company. I had nothing to worry about as there were no conflicts.However, this is the first time in ten years that I regret losing my power. ‘

This was him paying Go A In a great compliment

When Go A In is in trouble, he heads directly to the ”high king” who is always a behind the scenes but in control and directing what is on the outside. In exchange for helping Go A In, he agrees to what the high king wants and comes back to control.

“What did you give the old chairman to save me?” Go A In asked.

‘I only gave him what he wanted to get what I wanted.’
“But you will be resuming your old job and that would be what you didn’t want to do.”Go A In reminded.

“ In life, you can’t always do what you want do . Do what you believe is right. Like you have always done.”

The next time Go A In goes to him for advice, their conversation went this way .

“when there’s no way what do you do?”

“You make a way“

“No those who never worked properly would say such things. You don’t need a way. Don’t look for a way. Just keep doing what you do. And when you succeed, others will call that the way.”

“Just do it?”

“Just stick to your way . Who knows something unexpected can happen.”

“You keep rowing the boat when there is no wind “

The wise one is always not reactive , he does not forget but merely lies low and waits for the time to act out

A similar character is Yoo Jeong Seok, who used to be Go A In’s boss, but is ousted in a power play by Choi many years back, and is called useless. He lies low and opens a bar which is difficult to sustain. In a turn of events, Choi who ousted Yoo invites him back to the office to be Go A In’s boss, in a bid to clamp her wings and to make her lose her position. Go A In is so disappointed in her senior Yoo. She goes to him for advice whenever she is confused. He was the one who trained her. But her light has gone off. She goes back to drinking and eating sleeping pills. She has no one else to fall back on. ‘ There is no traitors in this world, the one who trusts is to blame, I came all this way only to come back to where I was?”

In a conversation with Go a In, Yoo tells her, “don’t trust what you see. Don’t look at the rod but look at the bait to understand.”

But in another twist, unknown to Choi, Yoo’s real purpose coming back is to expose Choi on tv , bringing himself down as well- quoting Choi when Choi ousted years ago- that the useless has no place in this industry.

But Go A In says, “ if you use yourself as bait, how is it revenge”

We may forgive but-what about forgetting? The drama offers a suggestion that you could wait for an opportunity to get back at whoever wronged you.

“It is disrespectful to receive something and not pay it back.”

There are so many interesting quotes and reminders as above, which show encapsulate how things work in the business world, such as give and take, to become king you need comrades who are strong, but after you become king, all you need are obedient servants. Such as, when things go well, people tend to make mistakes, when they think everything is over. Such as if you have something to say, be clear about it. Such as dont try to live on, just live for today. Such as when things go well the owner takes the credit. When things fail, the servant takes the blame.

I like this one – “what people think. Why should I let others tell me when/where to stop?”

There is another thread on kinship and portrays how Go A In meets her mother who deserts her when she was a child.

The drama helps her get out of the knot in her heart by a parallel of an insurance ad she took on . In it featuring a mother who blames herself for the death of her daughter. In the ad, the mother gets to relive the moment her daughter got knocked down by a vehicle thru VR. And saw for herself why she couldn’t save her daughter- she was fearful and she chose herself over her daughter , afterwards not being able to forgive herself for that.

The same with Go A In’s mother too. She left A In out of fear for her debt ridden husband who kept coming after her for money. She confessed to A In, she was scared

In the VR session , the mother conquered her fear and saved her daughter and told her she was sorry

The exact words were what Go A In’s mother said.

The drama shows her forgiving her mother and supporting her. When she was not sure , it was Yoo who told her, “sometimes the one you support ends up becoming your support.”

This all sounds too familiar

And as you would have it, the baddies fail in their attempts and fall from grace, while the upright ones are honoured and Go A In becomes CEO.

And why am I so hooked? Because the titles are really good ! This one reads-What you want to do, what you shouldn’t do and what you need to do. Another reads:

But what this show does is remind me of the days when pain was excruciating and life was hard. I knew what the drama was talking about. People step on you to succeed.
It also reminded me to my time at my top.- I missed that, being in control, having my own team and making things work, creating campaigns and seeing thought turn to reality.
It obviously was resonating with me lots because the values that drove Go A In to the top drove me too. Things like, “ it does not matter what others say, if you are an adult , you keep to your words.” And I stuck to my values till the end.

And seeing Go A In’s eventual rise to the top was heartening. It made me even more aware of that yearning in my heart to be successful. I feel hopeful and considered that position I gave up.

The other titles marking each episode were:

A Swan incessantly kicks its legs beneath the surface

Think strategically act crazy

When a lion begins the hunt the jungle trembles in fear

A candle shines brighter than the sun at night

Make sure to listen even to a fool

The check always comes

The hour between dog and wolf

Forgetting what was lost

Only those you trust can stab you in the back

And this one, the last one.

Chef Cheung

My story for chef Cheung was published online on 15 august, in English and so many years after I stopped writing in English. It reminded me of the time when my first story in the newspaper was published. That was 20 years back? But the feeling of writing a good piece, something I can account for and put my name to- is extremely rewarding.
I was ecstatic

I got myself back.

My head no my heart kept spinning- spinning out pitches and stories I could do , where to send them off to. Happy as a lark. Excited-because you know there is as good story and there is this chance of writing it

I had to share this with my husband- and he wrote back:”it’s passion at work.”

And it hit right at my heart at its most tender.

I want to get back right where I stopped myself. There is a Chinese saying, pick yourself up where you fell. This moment is it.
And these moments were felt in the cinema- I was watching Mission Impossible with Huaihao, and my eyes were warm and wet, when the title flashed across the screen, I saw Mission: I M Possible.

I felt a feeling of fullness, inexplicable, the feeling of having come full circle. It made me aware that the past four years of not doing is important every step of the way, And nothing was ever wasted. Everything in there was a lesson for me, and I would learn as much as I wanted , or as little as I wished,

Those moments were extremely rich and full and whole, filled with gratitude and wholehearted acceptance.

It brought to mind what I wanted to do- to build my brand, TPY, to continue to write with heart, to create content that warms the heart, to make one feel hopeful, and willing to try once again.

And I ask the universe the divine for all the support I need on all fronts to do this.
In the afternoon, I got a call from an ex work partner to ask me to work on content for a restaurant.

And I asked why I am watching Mission Impossible ? A few days back, I was on the conversation of doing something impossible with huaihao at bedtime, that got me. The thrill the satisfaction of doing something that seemed impossible, but made possible by me.

And this was another movie that was strung with lots of excitement and highs.

Tired

I fell into the tired trap again. Head heavy, some tension over my head and face.

Tired out.

I feel like I couldn’t really hear the outside and I am in

It reminds me of the movie Breaking Ice – a new film by Anthony Chen which I watched last week in order to establish a proper chat with him next

The story , set in china’s Ivy cold region of yanji , bordering Korea, goes to talk about three youngsters whose fire for life or dreams have been deeply locked into a frozen state

And how this deep freeze found its melt

Is this me too?

I’m beginning to wonder if this feeling of tired is a state of freeze I find myself in when I am triggered

It seems so

Tired and reactive. Strung. Want to shut off and shut down. Just want to lie down and sleep.

Low.

It feels like some kind of stress , of not wanting to face up to reality , choosing to wallow. What is my mind resisting? To see perhaps, to make a decision. To continue on this path revisiting this cycle . Feeling like I have no choice but really and indeed- I have.

I will just stay here for a while. With the feelings. Not judging and just be.