The intention was to find the answers I need to help me move forward.

Ever since I came back from my trip, I find my body slowing down, sometimes I felt like my coordination was up in slips

This gave me worries and fears. Anxiety built up and I went – as usual to search for answers.

Was it stress? What was I really worried about? What bothered me?

So I set this intention for the run today

And I heard these flost into my awareness

– Run deliberately. Breathe deliberately. Go about your life’s littlest things deliberately.

– You created all this, all these extra things with some form of discontent with the present, that present you have had. You wanted something else other than that,

Let’s just say you didn’t really put yourself in the now

My way of tackling an issue is asking why but that did not work for me. It always brought me into a whirlwind of unsettled emotions which confused and thwarted my balance. So I asked. And the answer came.

– what is the best thing you can do in this moment? Or this next moment ? What is the step you can work on. Just do that.

–release. I realize all worries fears doubts self criticism and judgments I have in my system ever since the beginning of time and

– the mind body connection is very real. I hesitated about my way forward and my body merely showed that to me because it was not apparent to me

– what was it that really bothered you? What was stopping you? I asked. Worries (again?) about the kids? My abilities? Actually- no.

It was not knowing exactly what or how I want to live my life.

The last few episodes of The King Land echoed to me.

Won’s mother came to his father and asked of him to let the child live as he wants. To live the life he wants. She said that when she erroneously left Won as a child, she thought that would be the way to protect him, but in that decision she gave up the opportunity to live the life she wanted

She asked Won’s father , “ and did you live the life you want?”

In the final episode, Sarang decides to leave the King Hotel in which she was a top performer. She breaks the news to Won on the same occasion he wants to propose to her. And he keeps the ring back knowing that to love is to allow, to let the other’s dream take priority before yours.

He only asks of her, “ promise that on this journey when you find it tough alone, call me and I will run over”

When Sarang was in confusion trying to decide, she confided in her grandmother

“I’m wondering if the work I do at the hotel is what I really want to do? This isn’t what I dreamed of. I know I should be thankful instead of complaining.“

“My baby has finally learned to grumble and whine. No matter how well known a restaurant is, it’s no use if it’s not to your liking. Who cares about the hotel? you only live once. You should do what you want to do. Don’t mind other people. And don’t hesitate either. Do everything you want to. If it isn’t the way you can take a detour. If you fall off a cliff you can climb back up again. You will be fine. I’m here for you so do whatever you want to do.”

her grandmother put things into perspective for her, “”

And the question that is begging: what IS the life I want? Did I live life the way I want?

I think the last few years had me searching—- I was asking a lot on the inside and that translated to exploring on the front outside. I picked up things here and there and tried things that echoed to me

But they are not exactly mine. Perhaps at most, I rubbed of them a little. I was inspired. I tried to emulate and embrace. But they didn’t last because it’s not me and I would always feel bad about not persevering.

And so, at this point in time, I am asked to find my way. To start living. To be me.

Knowing what you truly want- that is the highest position.