Blue Supermoon “Movements”

Blue Supermoon “Movements”

Is it the work of the super moon?

A few days back I started feeling the floatiness and grogginess

These two days it’s been feeling really full

Was talking to HuaiHao at bedtime on where to travel to. How about a trip on food and nothing else?

And somehow I started sharing about the experience I had at L’Arpege and how bf couldn’t appreciate anything because “he doesn’t need it”

He was obviously sore about being there and I felt so wronged with the good intentions I had

I told HuaiHao , yet three star Michelin food was just beneath my eyes. I couldn’t reconcile those complex feelings

Talking about this with HuaiHao kind of helped these feelings progress. Move in fact . I asked HuaiHao how I felt, and he said: heartbroken

Wow

How can he be so perceptive?

He says dad has a shield that nothing can go through.

Finding a listener in this little one, I told him how his dad got mad at Eiffel Tower and how he kind of destroyed my Paris – every woman’s dream – with his anger

It kind of made me realize – taking all this back to me- how much I wanted to , I expected of others to agree with me. And when others couldn’t , especially if people close to me couldn’t resonate as much as I like them to- there’s a kind of loneliness that can be really dampening

And I remember seeing these

https://www.themarginalian.org/2015/01/12/33-artists-in-3-acts-thornton/?fbclid=IwAR3EEkGxIsmDkExGuepywIu6QJn00Anoka60OoPE2qS9jLSM_gEk0IlzX4c_aem_AbJ6EINRNMG4rf4Ixyp5IZ6xl6j7zmlgUOW9JcczuMVk0ESgQPW7-aRQY33zUCjaj0U

Lots of beautiful quotes in here such as:

Loneliness is a valuable feeling. Artists need to know how to walk alone.

Is it the full moon that is helping these to move?

May all that doesn’t support our forward journey be released

May we all step into our power

May we all be blessed , divinely protected and guided.

I tried to reflect on myself. Especially after the things I learnt in Buddhist studies .

Like how we create our world our realities from our beliefs

Did I come to think that women in the families are always not appreciated ? Like in grandma’s case nanny’s mom’s

What else did I believe in to make this come true ? I wonder

And when we spoke the day after. HuaiHao asked is I was sad.

And how was I to react.

He asked me, “ and what do you feel like doing?”

I asked him for advice and he says, find a window.

And he adds, “ I mean you find another way if the door is closed.”

Wow

I said to him that I did not really want to do anything because I have been the proactive one all the while and if someone is sincere about a relationship , there would have been another expression

And HuaiHao says, “ pa has probably forgotten everything “

And then adds, “ but it’s your world, it could be a square a triangle a rectangle and it be named anything. I mean, you can create anything you want. You can paint it any colour or do anything you want.”

“And you first. Prioritize you first, not anyone else.

He touched me tremendously.

And it brings me to a recent interview I did.

“I’ll stop work if I do not feel good, for the simple reason that if I cannot make myself happy, how will I be able to bring happiness to others?”

Mind

Mind

Lessons at Tibet House have resumed and we started on Buddhist psychology yesterday

Geshe la mentioned the importance of knowing the mind which is a clear knowing with luminosity

And helped us find it

He reinforced the importance to not just know but to experience it feel it

Can you feel your mind even if you do not see it and even if the brain can be seen

Yet we experience our world because of the workings of the mind

Specifically the cravings of the mind

Here’s what is said by the great masters on mind

He brought to mind that everyday we have a personal practice to attend to

Having been born on earth- its a great opportunity and blessed to study and practice great wisdom of the masters

Say no to afflictions and bad habits

See what is obscuring your buddha nature for this is being kind to yourself in wisest way

We are all affected or under the influence of mental defilements and What is mental defilements?

-what is the nature of mental defilements?

Connected to self grasping ignorance Complimented by self centred attitude give rise to inappropriate attention gross afflictions and negative karma

Fear that arises within you is because of misconception 

If you want to get rid of this fear

Get rid of misconception by specific knowledge or wisdom

Introduce counter force directly opp wrt the object of apprehension

To Remove fear of samsara, 

Remove ignorance which leads to this fear which is self grasping ignorance

Past life habits of samsara deceives us in this life to think we r young

Know nature of mind or how mind works

We live in deep illusion

With this teaching I sought to apply it and ask myself what is the nature of the keloid

I put my hand on it. I thought of the scratching and asked myself what was it that I wanted

I wanted to get myself out of something I felt I couldn’t

Or I was in some kind of struggle and pain or fear that I (thought ) I could not articulate or handle

The itch- was telling me there’s something that needs to be done

Reminding me and helping me to release resolve to settle

In actual fact I really wanted peace of mind but in effect I cause only an amplification of the struggle of emotions I was in – if I kept scratching and reinforcing

So perhaps the remedy is the state of peace or assurance that I am safe and there is nothing wrong with a struggle

But first- awareness

The mind is chief and precedes all phenomena

Everything outside is all about the radiance / manifestation of the mind 

With internal luminosity you can see radiated world outside

How can I get closer to this clear knowing? With awareness.

Star by Colde

Star by Colde

Qinzhi saw Star by Colde looping on TikTok and I was surprised

earlier on I had watched See You In My 19th Life and posted about it

Hearing her play this song brought something deeper inside up

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ycKrYZMsgv0

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zsJVvlTqxj0

Just like a star
I stay here for long
While everything is changed
I just cannot help but stay, hmm
Just like a star
Don’t even see myself get old
It’s hard to be explained
I wanna break away
I keep on praying
Oh, why

If my tears fall
Down in my universe
Turns into a new world
Time to find my way back home
Thousand years’ gone
Don’t feel nothing no more
You’re the one I long for
Now it’s time to go
I hover like a star
Ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh
Just like a star
All the memories got stuck (oh)
I’m tired of the past (oh)
I want to break away
Oh, why

If my tears fall
Down in my universe
Turns into a new world
Time to find my way back home
Thousand years’ gone
Don’t feel nothing no more
You’re the one I long for
Now it’s time to go
I hover like a star

The lyrics kind of echoed on me

It somehow made me feel so much better, resolving the emotions I had that I couldn’t really reconcile

It made me feel like I can move on and take it in my stride

It kind of made me know who I am and what I am made for

Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?

Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?

This is one of my favorite meditation or practice

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wsEFrCVED-g

Each time I do it I find myself releasing something inside

Who is hardest to forgive?

Maybe it’s us. Ourselves.

Embedded somewhere at some point this idea that we are not worth cherishing

And that is how and why we allow ourselves to be abused- by ourselves when we lock ourselves up in less than ideal states or repeating cycles

Try this link with Louise Hay and find that feeling – you have forgiven , you are forgiven

Inspirations From A Run (XIII)

Inspirations From A Run (XIII)

The sun was peeping out on my way to the beach

And there was this overflight that went from the sea to land

And I wondered once more, if the earth was round

An email from Chloe made my day this morning as I headed for my run

Chloe said she loved the piece on Alain Passard

And that made me feel like- the past is/has not passed

One day when I was running I had the idea to connect to her. She put me on an AF press trip to Paris many years back and I thought I could get to her to pitch a story on Cedric Grolet to her

But after so many years, she’s moved to other roles. Yet she wrote back to me and helped me connect to the right person

Not just that she said she put in a good word for me and that she loved the Passard piece I did

And it brought to mind- the significance of the law of cause and effect once more

I guess I seeded a good cause somewhat somehow sometime back

And the seed is now germinating

It took a while, but the right conditions must be there to help the seed grow

So this current condition – is needed. And anything less couldn’t have helped it the way it did

How much learning is that ? It’s a volume words can not yet- describe

It made think what seeds I am planting now and what/how to do so that I can experience a harvest and a bloom that is supportive of my growth

What did I want with this practice today!?

I asked and the answer and the intention was- to move ahead.

I did my simple qigong practice with this view in front of me, with the warm breeze from the sea

And instead of releasing any energies that are discordant, I got the idea that I want to fetch out my innermost voices values and who I am or what I really stand for – outwards

And not live someone else’s life

Going deeper with the practice, I saw the idea being truthful

Somehow the India trip many years back popped up. It was a trip that was wonderful and so inspiring on the senses , opening them up in a way that I could never have imagined- so much that when I came back to Singapore I literally felt that there was an atmosphere surrounding the country that I couldn’t pierce through

I couldn’t come back

The same with ishinomaki. The trip shook me as a person and brought up lots of things in my own journey

The idea of honesty popped up. If there was a time when I couldn’t fetch something out of someone , it would be because I have not done it with myself enough

Truthfully enough

Because life is an echo. What you send out you get back

As with all relationships, intentions matter.

As I ran , people and experiences popped up. And it came to my understanding that these are things and people that have stayed on – when they should have left

Nevertheless, I am happy they turned up at this point so I said my thanks for having them show up in my life, letting me experience and explore the spectrum of events experiences and emotions with them and -forgiveness , and tuning my head back I saw them all behind me, getting smaller behind me as I ran forwards.

I kind of saw a line of chord I was attached to the past, split and that only helped me in my surge forward. It’s a beautiful practice. And I am grateful.

Inspirations From A Run (XII)

Inspirations From A Run (XII)

I spoke to HuaiHao this morning. I asked him if I was more mad at papa this time and he said, “of course what do you think. Isn’t it obvious?”

And then this one reminded me, “but now, you are going back there now mommy.”

He is so quick so sharp so divine.

And so I came back running.

Of late I have been thinking of how to transform. How to use the energy we have.

Since energy cannot be created nor destroyed , the way to use it is to transform it. To spin it into a different something

I’m glad I have writing this blog this gift and ease of expression it certainly helped me when I needed

And now, running

So the practice today is to learn how to use this energy I have

I use it power the run throughout

And whenever I felt I needed to speed up, I asked myself if this slightly less than pleasant energy/sensation is still there

And I would use it to power the run

Repeating it.

Feeling it. Using it. Learning to work with it and work my way through it

Then it came to my knowledge once again that these few years have been a most precious time albeit sometimes somewhat difficult- because I really had the space and time to go inwards and to ask myself lots of questions lots of thinking through figuring out lots of sieving through and realignment and repositioning

It’s a very precious journey and tough- anything that concerns the self the soul the authentic is not so easy

But I must say it is worth every second of your investment

I saw that I am fond of find foods and I have given it away. I saw that I should have said that F but all I did was swallow it. And more more.

I love this. This opportunity. I needed this. To be a most spectacular me

And I know- I deserve. I am worthy. And so are you.

Inspirations From A Run (XI)

Inspirations From A Run (XI)

I saw myself before the run.

And then I set the intention- to come back to center to a place of balance. And soon I was running and visualizing the ball of sun this morning at the root chakra

Today I just did that throughout the run

And amazingly this came out of it

I visualized the keloid – the patch of it dropping away. Revealing and exposing the tender skin beneath

That’s me!

So all along I have been putting on a pretense ? Or at least, living life not being me and under a mask?

I have been hiding haven’t I? I was being someone who isn’t me in big and little ways. I allowed that and it hen I judge myself.

The ways I have not held on to me flashed by. Saying yes when I should have said no. Not acknowledging my needs. Giving another the opportunity to lord over me. Suppressing my feelings….

And who is me?

The idea of deserving came along. Being worthy- just because.

Teacher Stephan also asked and reminded me- who is the most precious?

I asked the divine to show her to me and to guide me to finding her.

I want to brave enough to be me.

Voices From The Heart

Voices From The Heart

On my way to an interview, I was setting an intention

For the chat session to be one that spells out voices from the heart

I thought of why writing mattered to me. Not because I love writing

But because I get to hear people and their stories. Most of all , their heartfelt voices

I travelled and went to so many places , asked so many questions and met so many people because I really was looking for voices from the heart -to teach me and guide me on my own path and journey

Their stories and advice felt like a rope somewhat and always let me learn something

And when I stopped writing I kind of felt a void

Seeing these points brought me to see also-

Maybe how disappointed it turned out to be when I tried so hard to fetch voices from people close to me, and maybe also- from myself. But after so many tries , I did not manage to.

And why was it so hard for myself and people near me- when it is easy doing the same on others?

Did I really listen? With my heart? To myself ? To people near me?

Inspirations From A Run (X)

Inspirations From A Run (X)

The idea came this morning- that I am not in harmony with myself. And that is the root cause of why my relationships reflect this.

In this morning’s run, I asked to know the reason.

And I found it so difficult to run today.

I literally felt a block of something heavy and dense that I could not move in front of my chest.

And so I ran with it.

With curiosity- to see what was there. What is packed in there?

What is stopping me in my path I asked?

Was I blaming myself for causing hurt to my precious ones ? and I only to put in place something to stop me thinking that I could redeem myself with that guilt?

Thinking that if I stopped myself and clipped my wings all would be well?

The block got heavier in front of me as I ran

And I instinctively asked the sun for help

I can’t do it by myself. I asked for help I asked for light I asked my body to absorb all the light there is to renew refresh repair to heal to rejuvenate

And I continue to run with that all the way

I kind of heard myself say- “my dear you have really high expectations of yourself and people around you. And probably that’s why you (thought you) fail. But really it’s not your failure. You were way too advanced and too fast for the crowd. And you speak a language that is real and true but ironically it may not be what people want .

You want perfection to a fault. Stop being so hard on yourself- and others”

I asked myself how I can come to terms and adjust myself

When people say you can’t change the way but you can change yourself, the real meaning is because the outside is but a reflection of one’s inner world

And the judgements I point and place on them is exactly pointing back at myself

So if I hate it and complain that my husband is not loving me enough or in the way I want it- it is because I did not love myself enough or in the way I want it

I asked myself what I can adjust

Is it to let go of my dreams my standards my strive to be at the top?

No! Not ever

But maybe the best way out is to have the standards but giving also space for some element of synchronicity and creativity from others?

For so long I have been trying to figure out how to do this

How to mind this gap.

Can this be it?

I asked myself how else I can love myself? I think it’s to be me. No one else but me. U apologetically me.

I thank the blockage for being there, for letting me know there is something else I need to work on

And I asked for light and love to resolve and melt this away. Forgive.

And I move lovingly freely joyfully ahead. With lots of divine guidance and love.

What a run!

10 Yrs 7 Mths

10 Yrs 7 Mths

It will so much easier for HuaiHao if he recognises the talent and gift he has- of speaking.

He has it.

Like when we lay down on the bed in the afternoon when Qinzhi has tuition and we just blabber about anything and it has to be about the cube of late

We spoke about the algorithms and I asked him how many he has mastered. To which he replied, “I have to do xxx do xxx do yyyy do yyyy and I still have my work at McDonald’s”

And what is that work I asked?

“It’s humour mom! Where has yours gone to?”

Huaihao is pretty consistent when it comes to walking, because he is an early riser.

And this is him up to mischief

One night he just donned his boxer shorts on his head, but it became this cute little thing

On national day, we headed out for a treat of jet displays and fireworks

One day I had to head out for an interview, I came home with this awesome fried rice and double boiled fish maw soup, plus a bottle of XO sauce. And the little foodie is over the moon.

Fridays are at ah mei ah yi’s as always. Whenever huaihao gets there, the first thing he does is to head over to ah yi and tell her about the week, the day-like a report of sorts of how his week went by. And dinner ends with a massage and a squeezy hug

On another morning, Huaihao came to me and when i said i wanted to head out for a walk, he gamely joined me. And we had such a great session in the morning, he trained me and said i would have to exert myself to get sweaty and healthy.

“it takes months and perhaps years, its not like you run for a few days and then you get all muscular and lean.”

so he coached me and egged me on, sharing with me tips and tricks on running, sprinting and jogging. After which we took bus to breakfast, i told him the blush on my face is my reward.

On another afternoon, i needed help with collecting some stuff, and huaihao kindly came along to help too, so how could i not offer an acai back in return?

Of late, Huaihao is very much into poached eggs, he’s been trying his hand-and wasting some eggs in the process, but otherwise, very much feeling and knowing cooking isn’t that easy after all.

During the P6 prelims, huaihao had 2 days off, and we headed out for a Mission Impossible treat before meeting qinzhi for lunch. And the movie was so good it was worth every cent!

On the weekend after Qinzhi finished her papers, we took ourselves out of home and had a dim sum lunch and a Venchi!

Just got out of the room after bedtime with huaihao and I got so much to jot down. I was asking him if I m asking too much of his dad, and huaihao said, “a bit. You can’t expect everyone to be like what you want.”

“Just move on la.”

I asked him how?

“What do you enjoy doing?” Huaihao asked.

“So…it’s like you immerse yourself in it and lose yourself in it?”

“Ya… just like I like cubing and I just do and do and do, and the rest fades away.”

“Also, you can change the way you think. By using the things around you. For example, you see a nice car, and you don’t just let it go by, you appreciate it, maybe for some other people, this car doesn’t matter, but to you, if you see it, it changes you- already.

And you can ask questions and wonder. Like how when you pull the break, why is it that the wheel all the way to the back can be affected? But it is also not about finding the answer. Because once you find the answer, then it’s no fun liao. Because then you have to go on two the next one. Also not that la, but it’s like you have a very expensive sweet and you nibble on it, finding the answer is not the aim, but you can wonder and ask questions, and that is how you find out about the world around you. It’s like maybe at the other end of the universe there is another world.

wow.

Is that not the closest I can get to the divine.