Yoga at COMO Bangkok and the teacher said this.
“Let me give you a tip. When you find yourself losing balance in a pose or struggling , let go of everything and start again.
Because when there is breath, there is ground.
Then find a position where you can continue.”
https://www.netflix.com/th-en/title/81671426
Chanced upon this new kpop drama at the time I picked up Buddhist studies at Tibet House
The teachings were profound and spoke of the law of cause and effect which governed the universe- and life
The teachings spoke of mental afflictions like attachments aversions and ignorance and how we keep ourselves in samsaric existence in the wheel of life
That was what the kpop drama is about
Ji Eum is in her 19th life and she remembers all the other lifetimes
Because of her attachments she couldn’t let go of, she actively courts the people who were dear to her in her last lifetime like Seo Ha whom she loves, like her sister Cho won whom she loves
When emotions got intense Ji Eum lets her truth out to Cho won and Seo Ha
But there was one dream that coming to her and that was something she had to piece together
Kang is another young man who provided the clue to this dream. He placed the shaman’s bells in Ji Eum’s room and she gets to go back to her first life
By and by she saw what happened, piecing things together bit by bit
She saw how Kang in her first life killed Cho won and herself , and how Seo ha protected her
Most of all she saw how she, in a fit of anger, in a crucial moment, vowed to remember this hatred and to come back
When she saw it was herself that bound herself to the past, she broke down.
It wasn’t anyone else who tied her down. While she was looking for the killer who killed her sister and herself, she realised that it was non other than herself who bonded herself to this lifetime, it was her who stopped herself from breaking away or breaking up
It was herself who cursed herself
“It was me. I bound myself to it. Because I was enraged.”
And who brought herself into existence over and over again
Wow
Wow
Wow
And the title to this final episode reads, “ the one who ties the knot has to untie it”
The drama used an analogy this way.
Her niece in her last lifetime is sick and Kang tells her there is a way to saving her
He seeks redemption and asks for forgiveness
And delivers the message that –
If and only if Ji Eum forgets everything and all memories fall apart and there is no trace of remembering anyone she is attached to
If she chooses this path, her niece would be saved. Conversely if she chooses to remember, Cho won and Seo ha whom she loves dearly will suffer the same fate
Ji Eum rationalizes over this and try as she might she does not want to forget
She asks, “ what can I share if I forget”
In her agony it was Seo ha who came to her and assures her that even if she does not recognize him, he will come to her
Ji Eum seems to have decided and went to her house in her previous lifetime
She hugs her mother who seems to know that Ji Eum is in fact her beloved daughter who has passed away and has come back- a promise her daughter made to her
Ji Eum finally went to the bridge in her first life where she was killed, shaman bells in her hand
And she met her in her first life and is asked how she feels
Ji Eum says she is happy
A carefree heart that is ready to forget everything
And four words- All is good now
And the drama shows that she is renewed and has no more memory of Seo ha and Cho won
Instead, the tides have changed and in turn Cho won and Seo ha now court her back
Ji Eum is a new piece of paper with the memories gone
I love how the story brings the theme of acceptance and making peace out
If we live and breathe without acceptance, we are essentially living the past in the now
Recycling attachments emotions and creating more afflictions and mental defilements to further lock ourselves- and our loved ones in samsara
So much pain misery and suffering
But even so – like how Ji Eum finds it hard to choose to forget
And rather hangs on in pain
The drama shows that there is a way out
And that if we forget – actually , if we choose to accept we can start off on a clean slate
Life is lighter and simpler
And this is exactly what the Buddhist teachings are proposing
That we all have the potential and freedom to choose at every moment in time
To steer ourselves away from mental afflictions and to go closer towards wisdom
It is in the sway of emotions that we hang on to something of the past. In this clinging and grasping, we hurt ourselves more than anyone else
I look at myself in inspection
I have been wanting to “get rid” of the past- by not looking at it, by not touching it
Thinking that this is the way out
But it is so wrong
Making peace with oneself is not like that
Making peace means a carefree open heart and a feeling of freedom
I wish this for everyone for all beings to experience this openness and freedom in one way or another, at one time or another
May all beings be well and happy.
I told bf about this show and how Ji Eum’s dilemma to forget reminds me of mom who told dad at her deathbed that she wants to come back to him again and be his wife
I said any kind of pain is disregarded in her love for she still wants to be with dad
And bf asked, “how do you know it is all painful to her? You do not know what they went thru together. It’s only your perspective you see but you do not know the full story “
Indeed, I saw only the painful bits and took that as the whole
My perspective led me to the reality of a pain
Bf’s question got me thinking- a lot of people said mom loved dad more , but what if she got the love of her life from dad? That is why she is so giving too
Whatever the case, bf’s question had the effect of piercing through a dream and to break it up
And I saw how my one sided incomplete perspective led me into a dream. Is my heart carefree enough to forget this everything that is?
I tried to say “All is good now”
Yes all is good now
And if you were to see this from a larger perspective, the lifetimes actually could happen in one . They just refer to the past that one cannot let go of and keeps recycling
Oh And let’s just say the ost is so very nice too
After our trip to Japan in June, we rested a week before heading to Taiwan. It was something we all looked forward to, as we had the chance to travel with grandpa, Ah yi popo and family. Our last trip out together was to Taiwan before COVID happened. And several years have gone by and things have changed.
I had stopped work for a few years now, Ah Xiong jiujiu is gone, the old folks have aged a bit more while the kids grew so much faster.
If anything, I am so grateful this trip happened and we had the chance to make memories together.
The last trip was a teaser because apart from Taipei, we only stayed in the vicinity of Taipei. This time , we headed to Hualien and Taitung, and got to admire and wow at the landscapes created by nature . This is Qing Shui Duan Ya,
we had a go at an aboriginal performance and saw for ourselves how the natives lived close to nature and revere nature.
We also went to an animal farm where the animals roamed around us. However, we are not that ready to pet them, the kids got a bit taken aback when they saw the animals roaming free.
What was better was the chance to wow at the earth’s geology at Taroko Gorge and I must say the geography of Taiwan is spectacular !
But the best treat must have been the visit to the night markets. It was what the kids remember because the last trip to Taiwan, they had the chance to play games and win little knick knacks at the night market.
We stayed at Eslite and the kids absolutely loved every bit of the experience. Before heading home the next day, we got a treat at Yang Ming Spring for lunch and Huaihao the foodie savoured every bit of it.
One tuesday afternoon, I asked the kids for help at collecting supplements at YL, and then we had dinner outside. It was a good deviation from the routine we had. And it was good spending time like this together
Then it’s back to our routine of weekend walks. Huaihao was ahead this time and actually fell. I was all the way behind and didnt catch him in time. But he told me he ran in tears to get help from his dad. I took him to breakfast hoping it would ease his pain.
One day after school, I took Huaihao out to lunch and is happy the foodie was channelled.
Fridays or saturday evenings are typically at grandpa ‘s and ah mei ah yi’s . The routine is to massage ah yi before we come home.
I love this drawing Huaihao did. Its full of positive energy and the eyes convey so much wit
What was really different this month was how much more Huaihao was singing, from Coldplay ‘s “Something just like this” to “Lucky” by Crash Adams and even to perfecting the cowboy strum on the ukelele
There was one day I was exhausted and super low in energy. While my mind ran amok, HuaiHao kept coming close to hug me kiss me – and I was conscious because I did not want to affect him. That night he insisted I went to bed with him because I hadn’t done that in a week. But Qinzhi was needing me to teach her math. When I finally had the time , I realised he did it for me. I asked him what would be a colour to describe my energy and he said red. “Red because there’s a lot of activity and also because you are tired “ , HuaiHao said. We discussed coco lee and I told HuaiHao I was shocked . Because she seemed so well and happy on stage. And no one could have any clue of her not being well.To which HuaiHao said, “ it’s like she is running away (from herself) “And I continued, “ to run on stage”And it’s sad that you have to hide herself up. And the topic of discussion switched to me and I said, I could feel the pain because I had done that before . It’s like no matter how I felt I had to do my roles as a mother first- suppressing myself .And HuaiHao went, “ but we are family mom. There is nothing and no need to hide in a family”
Wow. If this isn’t wisdom what is?
Another day at bedtime with HuaiHao
I asked HuaiHao, “how do you feel when you heard papa this morning?”
He thought for a while and replied, ““ it’s like he put his hands to strangle me at the throat. I m still hearing it now.”
Another bedtime with HuaiHao and I told him this afternoon while shopping, I felt a blow in my system.
How do you feel? He asked
I said I felt shaken and after that tired. It felt like I needed to muster up all my energy to maintain alert and balance
And he said, why didn’t you tell me? and asked, why do you think you have this?
I said I was feeling disturbed about papa and told him how my mom used to rescue my dad and I kind of learnt that . But life is teaching me to- not . And also, some work stuff that is needing my attention gave me stress. And he said, do you really want to find a job? Are you serious about that? I get his emphasis, he wanted to say, is it worth it?
He said , there’s always a reason for coming here
I said: where?
And he said, “ and it comes to you not that you get to it”
Do you mean something like the meaning or purpose of life ?
And I had to share what I heard, in a meeting with young students, one asked the Dalai Lama
What is the meaning of life?
HHDL: We live on hope and we hope for happiness
The highlight of the month was travelling with Ah yi popo and family to Taiwan.
Our last trip out together was to Taiwan before COVID happened. And several years have gone by in the twinkle of the eye.
Can I say we are just grateful this trip happened? And that we made some memories together?
we had a go at an aboriginal performance and saw for ourselves how the natives lived close to nature and revere nature.
What was better was the chance to wow at the earth’s geology at Taroko Gorge and I must say the geography of Taiwan is spectacular !
We also went to an animal farm where the animals roamed around us. However, we are not that ready to pet them, the kids got a bit taken aback when they saw the animals roaming free.
But the best treat must have been the visit to the night markets. It was what the kids remember because the last trip to Taiwan, they had the chance to play games and win little knick knacks at the night market.
This is san xian tai.
Before our flight home , we had a great green lunch at yang Ming spring
Then it’s back to our routine . And Qinzhi has been texting me in school too via the email with her signature hand sign.
Every time I get this email from her, there’s always a simple joy and pleasant surprise. Most of all knowing she is well and happy in school.
May you be well and happy always Qinzhi!
What if everything I believed was not ?
I was thinking of the cycles I went through. If this misery is an effect what is the cause?
The furthest one I could think of is that I did not do a proper understanding of the traumas I went through.
In simpler terms, I did not accept
That’s why I am having repercussions now- wanting me to do what I have not.
If so I have spent the time all this while in a dream- in my own reality. I have locked myself up to it’s confines. Do I still want this dream? My distorted reality and vision I built. And perpetuated.
There was a little spark I saw seeing this.
But during the run- this idea popped up: What if everything I believed was not ?
What if I had chosen another concept another idea?
What if I have chosen the path of acceptance and just let things be?
What if I believed I am healed totally ? Or there is nothing to be healed nothing to do?
The very fact that ai am running now is already a gift and opportunity.
To break out. To breakthrough. May we all have this penetrating ability and power to breakthrough.
To see the dream.
Leave the dream- wake up.
(i) What cannot touch you
Ran and saw a couple friend who once tried to get my help into their business, but it all fell apart on its own somehow. This happened perhaps half a year ago.
I must have tried many times to do a reconciliation of what happened , for example, I thought of the Dalai Lama’s words-that sometimes not getting what you want is a stroke of luck. Or things like, they can’t afford you. Or, this isn’t meant for you.
And so very suddenly, it dawned upon me in my run, that business cannot touch me. Or intentions which have the purpose of money making, can not yet touch me-no matter how much they do not seem so on the surface.
With that realisation, which reinforced the need for us to be still to receive wisdom- I went on to look at the things that I have dabbled in and somehow, went apart on its own after a while -perhaps because these are not in lined with my own intentions.
And what are my own intentions I asked?
I recall John’s words many years ago that my path is a spiritual one. And I thought of the time when I was at my highest, I was sharing light- not mine, but of others, things like honour, passion, love, belief, things like this, I was sharing these outwards in stories, videos.
And of late, the picture in my mind was just being with people who told me stories of their lives and how they created and keep creating magic and wonders-for themselves and others.
So what can touch me? I asked.
(ii) Caught in middle
Don’t we all? Do this or that? Choose this or that? Which way forwards? Every moment of choice when we deliberate over something. We find ourselves in a middle position which offers some form of resistance and challenge.
The crux is how do we use this rather than be sucked in the moment or feel compelled and becomes a reaction.
When action is really what we are after.
Awareness awareness awareness is easier said than done when we are under the conditioned mind, subject to the pinnings of yesterday, today, others, experiences.
Is there any way we can use the moment of choice of opportunity? Use it and make it literally so, so that we do not create decisions that land us away from what we really want.
I say so because of late I feel so caught. And it is giving me headaches because I am in the middle or have not taken a clear enough stand.
A part of me is still stuck in the past huh
Looking at it, I have been given so many opportunities to do something different each time this same thing comes up. And so many times past, I did the same, which birthed and consecrated this new event, and I am thinking so hard what to do-and it all happens in the background, its consuming my energy.
Buddhist studies helped lots, to let me know that there is nothing to do, nowhere to go, the theory is enlightening and liberating. The question is how do we reconcile with the issue on hand? How do we apply this learning.
How can I breakthrough of this cycle I have been perpetuating myself in?
How can I get out ?
Perhaps, rather than thinking my way out, I could feel my way out. I want to transform this, transmute, this.
The laws of cause and effect was brought to mind in the buddhist course, if I want the effect of breakthrough out of this cycle, what causes do I apply?
The horoscope page I follow kept telling me to appreciate the now and not get ahead of myself
I kind of understand
And it suddenly dawned on me that maybe I should appreciate what I have – more
For sometime I got a bit caught up wanting to find work
Did I really know the meaning of that? Can I still handle office politics and unreasonable behavior ? Do I really want to be in office space?
Sis said- “ everyone ‘s dream is to do what you are doing now”
It dawned upon me then that all these while at home time just passed and I haven’t really used time constructively
Some have used COVID to start something. Like a business or something.
Am I being too judgmental and harsh on myself ?
And yet I am lusting after all the FB explorations put out by “friends” envying their experiences on social media. I can’t say I am not swayed at all when I see these. Why? I had the chance to embrace these things once
In the days at home, I have mended my heart. My relationship with my husband. I spent time with my children. The mundane things- but THE most important . Days are simple and there is quiet joy. I am grateful for these even as I write.
But can I really or do I really want to step out of them to earn some and be embroiled? The opportunity cost of earning a keep- do I want to entertain that at all?
Maybe that is why I wasn’t able to find something . Because I want to be here.
If not, is there any other way to attempting what I enjoy doing whilst keeping the time at home to be at a maximum?
There must be ! The only thing that would let me step out- is to do interviews , and with A listers to talk about life and how they made it happen
Show me my dear divine!
Watched INside effects: How the Body Heals Itself – https://rumble.com/c/KeithLeonS
And there was this question asked: what is it that you believe of your own health?
I tried to ask myself that- how and why did I create the keloids the cyst the little hole in the gum and sensitive teeth
And I came to the understanding – in the deeper ends of my consciousness, I have been adversely affected by the times when my dad had spinal operation, when my two grandmas had taken ill, when mom was taken ill suddenly, when mom’s brother and sister passed on suddenly
That explains why I was also worried to go to the doctor
In fact when I was young, I already had a fear of seeing the doctor.
I was always afraid there was something wrong and that the doctor would find something
It was a fear that I remembered since I was young
And how did that come about?
Was that even mine to begin with?
Did I hear it from someone or did I pick up that worry that fear somewhere? The closest or the one that came to mind with gor gor who had a similar fear.
And writing this now made me aware that I had been carrying this for so long
It made me wonder how I would have been – how my life would have been different if I had not one once had an ounce of this ? How would I have been?
And the fact is bf always reminded me of that? He always said to me ,” there is nothing wrong with you at all”
Because I thought I was not, my body also made me these times
That was how I created what I didn’t want
And seeing this made me want to start a new relationship with my body my cells
And not first without thankfully greeting my body and cells for always supporting me showing up for me renewing me rejuvenating me and healing me helping me- throughout all the times
And I invite my body my cells to embark on a new journey with me- one that speaks of great energy vitality perfect health and miraculous healing
And one in which I can do anything and everything I like with full support and credit given by my beautiful perfectly healthy body
Start now too, you you you you you you and you……
I start by running, being aware of my diet, eating whole foods , watching and observing my thoughts, chanting, sending love and light to myself and others
What is it you can do to bring you to that ideal place of effect vitality and health- therefore: happiness?
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