It’s been quite a while since I last ran.

As usual, I intended this session as a practice for me get in touch with my heart. And it’s wonderful what came out of it.

(I) open

Allowing and practicing how to keep open. Each time thought comes- and they do, come back to openness.

This involves the willingness to come back – again and again.

(II) intelligence

What makes the sky blue and the clouds white? What makes the birds and butterflies fly? I saw a squirrel and followed it’s path across the greens and up a tree- so light so lighthearted.

Some kind of intelligence up there that I actually have sense of but could do more with.

If this is the very thing that is letting birds fly then what is it doing to me, I m in the same space in the same intelligence as the birds and bees.

I tried to tap into and use this for healing

This very intelligence that kept me alive and rescued me countless times. It’s the reason I am here for.

How can we with with this intelligence more. We do not do this enough.

I realize once again I have been many chances and opportunities by the divine . I spring back once and again . To life, for life. There is something else I want to do , need to do.

(III) surrender

The fact is the body is a superpower capable of healing- and we have to do all we can to support it. The body is on our side, always.

As I try and work with this intelligence, I offered and surrendered my problems and issues and allow the divine to take over.

(IV) power

If we are all expressions of the divine, and the divine is in us, it follows that we have the inherent divine abilities

We have the power- we are so powerful. This power is precious.

But I took me so long to see this . That we have the capacity and capability to bless ourselves. And this is what I did in the last few nights at bedtime, blessing my body wherever needed

Bf was sharing with me about powers . He believes that we should live according to our DNA or our gifts. If we do otherwise, it will be like a fish out of water.

What is your water? What and where is your power?

He says that and it made me think about mine. All along he always chided me for being emotional and I am always so led by emotions, frequently led and misled. They are powerful.

And I haven’t really consciously used them as a power. What if I do?

What if I do?

(V) believe belief

What do you / I believe in?

I just sharing with bf that during my secondary school days I wanted so much to get out of the strata I was in that I did my utmost and become one of the three who would get into Hwa Chong in that academic year.

Bf asked me what is it about my strata. What strata ?

I told him what I saw at that age. An age wheee womenfolk had to do their husband’s bidding and had no place . An age where my parents had to bow down to authority. An age where people felt they had no choice. An age of a lot of powerlessness and where parents had to submit and say “this is life” when they felt like they had no other choice

Even as a kid, I did not like hearing that

We have choices but we too often gave it away

I wanted to have choice I wanted to have freedom I wanted to decide for myself and I did my best with a silent resolve to get out. To get out of any situation where I would choose like my parents did.

To me then, to get out means to strive for a better life where there are other possibilities, at the very least, possibilities other than what I then have.

I believed in myself in working hard and being focused on my goals. And true enough, I got what I wanted.

And bf asked, “ so if you believed so much in yourself where did that believe go?”

I recounted the time in JC when dad started to ask for financial support and I started to care badly for my school

Now instead of blaming him, I could see that I made the choice yes I , to choose the east way out rather than push on, choose to submit and found myself back at the “strata”

And now I could answer what teacher asked- what did you not like about pinyen.

I did not like me giving up – on myself. Then.

I wonder now how it would have been if I pushed on.

Yet not any step of the way I have come is wasted.

The path I have taken has been so blessed by people angels buddhas god the divine and they have all supported to now.

And the questions I ask now – are not any different from the ones I asked when I was a teen . The desire to get out is the same.