I was chatting to Widya at midnight and I felt good.
It made me think why.
I was running with the sun’s beam on my everywhere and it felt good.
The sun is a good on its own
And it dawned upon me that if we shine and be like us – very us, nothing but just us, every moment, we would be bright and brilliant, we would be a good for everyone everything around us
Just focus and keep on getting better
Keep running TPY
Late at midnight, I asked bf for a hug.
I sat on his lap so he could fully embrace me. And I would be wrapped up in his arms .
He asked me why and I said “迷路” or lost.
He is eager to offer his advice and support. But what meant more to me was his embrace, I still felt his hand soothing calming my back. I still felt his breath. I saw up close how his face had shed off all the baby fat . I saw his collarbones and lean frame.
And I want time to stop
I messaged him before I went to bed
“Thank you for letting me be at home and taking the time and space to rest and map out what I want to do.”
And this morning I woke with better energy than yesterday. And the embrace is still working its magic on me.
I thought just how nice it is how grateful I am to have this guardian angel next to me, knowing me always rooting for me wholeheartedly and thinking for me
And is it any wonder, that I singled out Kdrama Angel On A Mission: Love to watch now?
I was feeling really choked and muddled in the body and mind and I knew I had to write
I had to write to sort out my thoughts and to find a starting point again
The question is this: how can we do better? What else can we do? What is the direction I am heading towards? I need to chart my path.
With the passing of Ah Siong Hia, I feel it even stronger that direction of life is more than important. I feel it even more urgent that I know clearly what I really like want and need.
I need to get there.
More than staying in misery sadness fear regret doubts suspicion or anything else. I have done enough of this.
Accustomed habits and emotions that have weighed on us can consume us too easily . They had gravity in our lives. And over the years repetition has given them sustainability. But- why (are we) stuck in the rut when we actually know very well that we wanted the exact direct opposite!
We want peace and calm. Ease and joy. Comfort and satisfaction. Strength and clarity. We need awareness
Where is it we want to be at ? That’s where we put our energy and awareness at .
How can we work with life with the divine with ourselves to make it better?
The report card comes at the point of “graduating” from life
In the last few days there were lots that went around in the mind. Parents or elders , our younger generation and our own selves.
How can we make “graduating” easy effortless for everyone and not like any other “graduation ceremony “ that I have attended?
I thought for a while, it’s not how much money one has or not, how accomplished or famous one is——or not.
Then these words came into my mind:
No regrets
No grudges
Living life the very way your heart wants, gently. Doing things that make your eyes sparkle, giving hope and warmth
A clean open pure heart
Being in love
Only love love and more love
Everyday every minute every moment . To live love , in love. And to intend everything from it. Act out of it.
Be it.
I am reminded of what HuaiHao said this morning. We were lying on the bed and I asked him what is it I should explore.
He said “nature”
But “ not see it but be in it. Because seeing it is different from being in it”
I recall what Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche said, that the opportunity to begin again is in each and every moment “
Let’s try this!
And I just have to share this here again from teacher Stephan
“Just one of these bursts during the flight…
Human Beauty
Comes from
Love and Courage
For life
Have great day”
It’s amazing how being in nature can be. It’s not just healing but feeling part of something bigger
(I) divinity
I was trying to contemplate again on the divine. A while ago, I remember I asked myself if I believed there is god or divine? And not just knowing but feeling god or the divine?
In the run this idea came again. The idea that if this intelligence is the very one that is making birds chirp and giving them their spectacular colours of green blue yellow, it must be the same one to make me sing with joy.
(II) In place
In the run I saw a little worm suspended in mid air held by such a fine almost next to nothing thread of a web.
If this isn’t divine what is?
And in that place it is in place. Even there hung in mid air.
And even now where I am, I am in place.
(III) no reason
The idea that there is no reason for me not to be happy popped into my head. The same goes for contentment, satisfaction.
With what I have where I am, is there any reason for me to not be content or joyful? But instead of feeling grateful I was always judging and looking at more, it was my expectations my wanting more that is creating unhappiness.
But while people are rushing for work, I am having the opportunity to be out in the sun to work for my physical and mental body, to hear these thoughts and to check myself.
Is there any reason I shouldn’t be happy ?
It’s been quite a while since I last ran.
As usual, I intended this session as a practice for me get in touch with my heart. And it’s wonderful what came out of it.
(I) open
Allowing and practicing how to keep open. Each time thought comes- and they do, come back to openness.
This involves the willingness to come back – again and again.
(II) intelligence
What makes the sky blue and the clouds white? What makes the birds and butterflies fly? I saw a squirrel and followed it’s path across the greens and up a tree- so light so lighthearted.
Some kind of intelligence up there that I actually have sense of but could do more with.
If this is the very thing that is letting birds fly then what is it doing to me, I m in the same space in the same intelligence as the birds and bees.
I tried to tap into and use this for healing
This very intelligence that kept me alive and rescued me countless times. It’s the reason I am here for.
How can we with with this intelligence more. We do not do this enough.
I realize once again I have been many chances and opportunities by the divine . I spring back once and again . To life, for life. There is something else I want to do , need to do.
(III) surrender
The fact is the body is a superpower capable of healing- and we have to do all we can to support it. The body is on our side, always.
As I try and work with this intelligence, I offered and surrendered my problems and issues and allow the divine to take over.
(IV) power
If we are all expressions of the divine, and the divine is in us, it follows that we have the inherent divine abilities
We have the power- we are so powerful. This power is precious.
But I took me so long to see this . That we have the capacity and capability to bless ourselves. And this is what I did in the last few nights at bedtime, blessing my body wherever needed
Bf was sharing with me about powers . He believes that we should live according to our DNA or our gifts. If we do otherwise, it will be like a fish out of water.
What is your water? What and where is your power?
He says that and it made me think about mine. All along he always chided me for being emotional and I am always so led by emotions, frequently led and misled. They are powerful.
And I haven’t really consciously used them as a power. What if I do?
What if I do?
(V) believe belief
What do you / I believe in?
I just sharing with bf that during my secondary school days I wanted so much to get out of the strata I was in that I did my utmost and become one of the three who would get into Hwa Chong in that academic year.
Bf asked me what is it about my strata. What strata ?
I told him what I saw at that age. An age wheee womenfolk had to do their husband’s bidding and had no place . An age where my parents had to bow down to authority. An age where people felt they had no choice. An age of a lot of powerlessness and where parents had to submit and say “this is life” when they felt like they had no other choice
Even as a kid, I did not like hearing that
We have choices but we too often gave it away
I wanted to have choice I wanted to have freedom I wanted to decide for myself and I did my best with a silent resolve to get out. To get out of any situation where I would choose like my parents did.
To me then, to get out means to strive for a better life where there are other possibilities, at the very least, possibilities other than what I then have.
I believed in myself in working hard and being focused on my goals. And true enough, I got what I wanted.
And bf asked, “ so if you believed so much in yourself where did that believe go?”
I recounted the time in JC when dad started to ask for financial support and I started to care badly for my school
Now instead of blaming him, I could see that I made the choice yes I , to choose the east way out rather than push on, choose to submit and found myself back at the “strata”
And now I could answer what teacher asked- what did you not like about pinyen.
I did not like me giving up – on myself. Then.
I wonder now how it would have been if I pushed on.
Yet not any step of the way I have come is wasted.
The path I have taken has been so blessed by people angels buddhas god the divine and they have all supported to now.
And the questions I ask now – are not any different from the ones I asked when I was a teen . The desire to get out is the same.
I woke up to a beautiful morning.
The sun is about to pop up on the horizon and the sky is a million colours all at once so soft so graceful so beautiful
Like an affirmation that Ah Siong Hia is at peace and all is good.
Still I felt not knowing how to make sense of this all. Is it important to make sense in r is it important to honor these feelings?
While I accustomed to finding out, I am once again reminded now- as I write that honoring the feelings are important. It’s being in the moment and acknowledging them – not bypassing them. And, we do not need to know everything so we?
On the bus, I asked my husband how to make sense?
And he says, “ that’s because you did not accept it. I see death as part of a cycle of life. If you can be happy when a baby is born, why can’t you be happy now? It is because I accept it as part of life part of the cycle.”
I asked him so what is life for?
And he tried to explain it to me- like how people reduce it to living meaningfully with a purpose but punctuated it with, “ this question you have to ask god”
And I asked him if he don’t know, how to live life well?
In the midst of it on the bus as we spoke, the sun was shining in and I asked it for light love strength and energy .
I want to use this opportunity to get pass what I did not manage to . Instead of falling back on tears emotions and feeling sorry, am I capable of feeling something else?
Can I find something meaningful or beautiful to celebrate even in this occasion or event?
And suddenly- just suddenly, it appeared to me that this is a graduation ceremony of sorts.
Ah Siong Hia has graduated from the school of life. Devoting and committing to it as best he can, learning all he need, seeing all and being with all he has come to life for. And he made the courageous decision to leave when the time has come for him to, out of love for the people he loved.
In the way he lived – like a doting brother .
Thank you Ah Siong Hia. For all you have done for us , for loving me like your own sister. I have come to celebrate your life. Rest in peace.
Ah Siong Hia is what I call him by for as long as I know.
Ah Siong is his name and Hia means brother in Hokkien.
I was nannied by his family and his auntie took me as a goddaughter. And because of this connection, I earned myself a few brothers who cared and loved me like no other. They gave me the respite I needed from the responsibilities of being an elder sister.
I remember when I was little I would always sit in his car and he would drive us to Changi airport at night to fetch his sister Ah Tin, who worked at Duty Free.
I remember being his flower girl when he got married to Michelle his wife.
Then when I had Qinzhi and when Qinzhi was little, and had Happy Train classes at Bugis on weekends, he drove her from Paris Ris to Bugis for us whenever Qinzhi did a staycay with them.
I remember the way he calls me and always cared for me- like hia— a brother. He always made sure people had things to eat—- when he himself never really did.
I heard how hard he worked for the family, doing lots of shift work at the airport at SATS. I remember when times were good he took the family to travel in Australia and bought me little koalas and an opal necklace
The last ten years of his life was less easy for him. He was diabetic and went on to do dialysis. I didn’t really visit him even though I heard how thin he had become or how he couldn’t walk or how he was panting or couldn’t sleep well or how he kept falling
I didn’t want to see and I kept away
I didn’t have the courage to.
He finally found himself in icu after another fall and at the dialysis center . And the next things I heard was his decision to decline the oxygen mask. He stayed on for another day and was gone last Sunday.
And what was I feeling about this? How was I really taking it?
I don’t know actually.
Qinzhi burst out in tears and HuaiHao said , “so sad … it’s like you cannot do anything about it”
Qinzhi was obviously shaken and she couldn’t really vocalize it. I asked her if she felt fear ? Fear of people leaving her and she said yes.
The kids are slightly older now and have begun to understand life and the cycles of it
I told them to remember the goodness and love Ah Siong Hia have given to them. And to wish him well and peace .
But how am I taking it? Ah Siong Hia’s passing made me think about life and death
So much time has passed since I played the role of a flower girl at his wedding. Time has gone for us all.
And listening to how he was and his decision through others made me see how dreamlike how fleeting life can be
In the time he was struggling in the hospital, everyone was expecting the worse. When would the last be?
And how different is it when we wait or expect a baby to be born ?
No one can control and no one knows.
Before we knew, he breathed his last. His family were obviously shaken, torn between feeling relieved that he need not suffer any longer and feeling pained for him.
I keep hearing how he cared for his family how he drove everyone around and ran errands – I remember being in his car and he would play Hokkien songs – and these are all long gone – and the next thing is his final send off before he is cremated and reduced to ashes
And is life —-to be this way?
How can we live life happily healthily joyfully meaning-fully while being subscribed to our habits our stories ?
There’s a sense of helplessness as people go about their lives , imprisoned by their feelings thoughts and perspectives
Yet we sometimes just need another point of view, an openness and a willingness to see to try a different path and follow a new direction. This point of difference is all that matters , so easy yet so hard all at once
I pray and wish for all to have the motivation to eke out a new path to have that opportunity that added push that energy that blessing that protection to
Life is short but life is long too
Life is hard but life can be easy too
Life is difficult but life can be very very good too
And I want to consciously live life well from now.
On Sunday afternoon, I shared with the kids this. I said I asked myself what I really want to do?
I thought so long: and my answer to myself would be that: I want to do something, anything that allows me to discover to feel and express the good in life. Goodness, honesty, integrity, love, compassion, heart, passion, perseverance, kindness, joy, to have the chance to capture these sparkling magic moments, to savour them cherish them celebrate them and share them outwards
That is what I want to do
And more than ever, I want to and know I can live long and well
I want to and know I can get the support of my body to go for it with me. As always.
I texted teacher Stephan to thank him for sharing over lunch and how he always believed in me and cherished me even before I did . And he replied to me this
“Dear Pin Yen, sometimes we loose sight of ourselves and need to be reminded, how precious you are.
So I will tell you again and again.
But it is important that you recognize and accept it.
And it is just the beginning…
I’m flying off tomorrow, we are connected and am always here for you and if you need an enkaku. Until very soon!”
I just had to ask myself when I stopped recognizing myself when I stopped seeing my power?
I asked myself that question until I fell into sleep last night.
Was it when I quit Michelin ? Was it even earlier? Was it when I was a child and I kept missing the chances when I wasn’t picked for some leadership roles? Was it when I was a student and I didn’t believe I had the right answer? Was it when I saw fellow peers succeed and envied them being in the spotlight while I lashed it out at myself chiding myself for not doing better or my best? I dimmed my own light!
Is this all above important ? what has been?
NO. Really. No . What has been had been.
I spent so much time asking and pondering and trying to find out. But I would accept this all now – all the experiences that have brought me here.
I’m sincerely thankful for them, for making me this way and bringing me here. I think I have done well and I can say- to the best of my ability
And I do want to DO more. I know and want my life to be so different in so many good ways, in ways new joyful healthy happy successful that I have never been or seen. And I know I can
Life is a dream but life is not.
I want to leave something beautiful and heartwarming every step of the way. And I know I can.
And we all can.
Thank you Ah Siong Hia, for all the love and care you have given to me. I am so grateful and thankful I have the chance to call you Ah Siong Hia and be a little sister to receive your love. Please rest and be at peace now.
It was drizzling one of the mornings and we were out in the park on our Saturday morning exercise routine
Me: so is it ok running in the drizzle?
HuaiHao: yes it is. It’s like… loving life
Me: I get what you mean. It’s like without the rain, the run might be a bit daunting at times right
HuaiHao: yes, but now with the drizzle it’s like you have a life. You have it you know
On another night , at bedtime with HuaiHao and I asked HuaiHao what wish he would like if I turned into a fairy
He said, a grandma
I asked him why and he said because he didn’t have one from the time he was born
I asked him what the feeling is like and he said, “ it’s like fire in my bones that cannot be extinguished “
What’s that ? I probed
He says , “ it means I can’t do anything about it”
I tell him that grandma lives on in grandpa’s love and hugs for him and get him to feel again when grandpa hugged him
And through me and ah yi he can also get an idea of what grandma is like
So I asked him what does he want a grandma for ?
And he says, “ just to be here”
April went by in a flash and one of the things we did in early April was to celebrate archer’s birthday
I love these drawings HuaiHao did . They perk me up and convey a sense of his wittiness, especially the eyes
And I just had to draw like him too to write him a reminder to learn his spelling
On 2 afternoons Qinzhi had to stay in school , I didn’t cook lunch and took HuaiHao out for lunch. And it was good because we had some time to chat about the big and little things in daily life
And we finally brought out our ice cream maker to make strawberry ice cream! HuaiHao was on it most and had loads of fun!
Then on a Saturday in mid April we headed to Golden Peony to celebrate dajiujiu’s birthday and HuaiHao had a chance to try classic Cantonese food that were flavors of yesteryear. So glad HuaiHao had a chance to savour this at such a young age!
Have you ever wondered? If you like yourself enough/ at all?
Bedtime with HuaiHao . And I told him about my meeting with teacher Stephan.
I told him it made me happy today to catch an old friend , teacher, guide and to have a meaningful conversation
I told him Teacher pointed out to me how powerful my mind is and that everything that I need is with me.
And he always believed in me in my power in my capabilities ——- more than I do. He said I had the gift of expression and I could express myself really clearly. His words were “you could pronounce them clearly”.
He reminded me of the importance of feeling and to just be just allow. To surrender and to trust.
He suggested that I recognize and accept my story and more importantly integrate it into my life. There’s no good no bad no need for judgement. Just me. He asked ‘what do you plan to do with them’ with these experiences? He said there’s so much I could give to the world and he is certain the time will come.
Did you ever think that you could do something with your experiences?
I told HuaiHao all this. And that teacher appreciated me for who I am.
And I told HuaiHao it felt good because he made me see that I have been too harsh with myself.
To which HuaiHao said, “ you have too high expectations “
We agreed we should cherish ourselves more and HuaiHao asked, “ maybe you don’t like yourself?”
What was amazing was that in the afternoon when I met teacher , he put that question to me too. He asked, “ what is it about pin yen that you do not like?”
I like that question. He got me thinking . Do I like myself? Did I subconsciously not like myself? What about ?
When HuaiHao asked me Thye same question I asked him back why he thinks I do not like myself. And the little wise one said, “ because you like qin cai qin cai ( meaning : careless about yourself)”
Like when I served them dinner and I would plate it nicely for them but for myself I would make do.
I always did. I always put myself last and my family infront.
And it was apparent to the little one that I did not take care of myself . To think he saw
I thought back again if I did not like myself in some ways
And yes- the times I liked myself were too little. Lesser than the parts I did not like. I was wanting perfection. I did not like parts of me that were not perfect not beautiful. I always wanted to “heal” them dissolve them. Like where the keloids are and these were kind of connected to painful times – maybe I haven’t really appreciated them for what they are . And- so much time has passed.
And I don’t seem to have integrated these experiences. Would the time be now?
And Qinzhi is reminding me that I m skirting the issue — with her dizziness .
A few days ago Qinzhi had another bout of dizzy frenzy and while I was worried and landed myself in fear, I took the chance to pause that moment and tuned in. I asked Qinzhi why she didn’t want to go to school and she said she needed time to do her work, she wanted to stay at home and be with me, and she was dizzy because she felt stressed
She knew it
And while I shared with her how she could bravely face it in her stride and be open to it all, I m once again reminded that I could also apply that wisdom to myself. Instead of trying to control and manipulate, did I stay open?
Her mode was to run into dizziness and how is that different from me?
At bedtime I told HuaiHao about this and the little one said, “you have to know that this is how everyone ‘s body reacts differently. Like papa goes in to his cave, I cry. Everyone does it differently. “
I asked him if he has any suggestions for Qinzhi on how to improve and he says , breathe.
And I get it. I get that if i want to be convincing and for my words to carry strength , I have to be that. Be open
That’s where the magic is
To open up to the present.
Teacher was sharing with me how he loved going back into nature and the moment he saw a bud blossomed. When he said this, I felt myself in the woods with him, I was also observing the opening up of the bus. It was so beautiful I teared and warmed up.
In that moment my heart center opened up and that was extremely beautiful and divine. Humbling.
That feeling was a great teaching in itself. So many lessons were learned , most of all what it feels like to be open.
In that a precious connection , first to teacher and to the opening blossom. And the world around.
And what is it I can do with my experiences?
Of late it’s been- a movie. To talk about it. Perhaps one way to get on with it, get through it is to talk about it, use it in whatever way beneficial to myself and others.
I can. I know I can.
April started with celebrating Archer’s birthday.
Then the day before Independent Learning Day, Qinzhi experienced another bout of dizziness. I went to school to pick Qinzhi and could see her fairly shaken.
Whilst led on by fear, I stopped to ask Qinzhi why she thinks she has the dizziness, and she mentioned her stress with literature. And thereafter , stress for work in school
We discussed lots, on how to manage stress, rather than to be managed. We spoke about how pointless it is to avoid an issue, only to go about it and having to come back to it and to manage more than the original issue.
The point is, whilst talking to Qinzhi, I also felt like I needed those words. How different are we?
On ILD day, we headed out for some korean food at Jewel and was glad we did, food was good and I loved spending time like this with Qinzhi, although it was just a meals I knew it would become great memories in future.
She woke up with dizziness, but after deciding that we would head out for lunch, she got better.
On a Saturday, we headed to Golden Peony for lunch prepared by Chef Ku, a feast of flavours now not often seen, employing old school cooking techniques
I am happy the kids get to savour good food. More so, I am happy they get the chance to do so at a young age. Flavours can etch into memory pads at heart.
I hope Qinzhi will be able to have the moment and wisdom to choose to face up to the demands of school. And me too.
Yellownblac's II Weblog 