Month: March 2023

Your Place In This Big Big Space

Your Place In This Big Big Space

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I wanted to start out saying how did love go so wrong.

That was when I started running today. After so long I picked it back. And it was with a lot of anger, frustration, grievances, so so much unhappiness.

I wasn’t really able to do anything about it- as much as I read about all these practices of shaking, qi gong, and other somatic practice . They offered relief but I needed more. So I thought about running.

It all started with the kids going out at each other, arguing for seemingly nothing. And the hubby joining in to stop them but it went so wrong because he was in anger- read triggered. I was able to hold the fort for only a while. 2 days to be exact before everything came to me in full swing.

I could only understand it this way. All these years of practice helped me see everything outside of me is a mirror and happening to me for me.

There were some words the hub used that got me, such as explaining to HuaiHao that Qinzhi shouted because she doesn’t see other choices, such as saying how inflated the kids are thinking they are god or the boss. And how mommy did awesome at inflating them. The last few straws were him telling me to take Qinzhi to Changi for her sports meet because he is going for his walk. I didn’t like the idea of being left with no choice. And he said that it shouldn’t be that I open my mouth and ask for things and get it.

Why can’t I? If he loves me?

As much as I like it or don’t like it, there are lots to savour in this episode no, series.

The children were out of place, as rightly put by the hub. Inflated.

And I have been out of place- doing more than I should for them , overcompensating for my own lack in my own life where I grew and became so much more because ——mommy hasn’t been around.

I took that as a lack rather than as a fertile ground for growth. And in the event of it, I did what my mommy didn’t. I mothered my brother my family, being responsible for more than what a daughter could , I took it all upon myself and shouldered all the burdens on me.

And how is that novel? My mother did more than she could – she went out of her way, sacrificing her life for the family, putting herself last.

She became the leader. And I did. And Qinzhi did as well, she mothers HuaiHao and teaches him like a parent as in school, she triumphs and feel good when given a role of leadership—— all telltale signs of how strong the womenfolk in my tribe are.

This was helped by the lack of a stronghold of fatherly figures in me and my hub’s tribe. Father figures seem meek in comparison to the feminine counterparts. In my hubby’s case, the father figure was absent. Pretty much in mine too. And it also worked in the way when mothers are so strong, the fathers cannot show up.

The balance was thwarted and was even more distorted when we tried to compensate – out of love.

Or- was it to control?

Everyone was out of place. Everything was out of place.

And that made me so cross. Did I came back to the family 4 years ago for this situation now? What did I do or not do to bring it here? I feel so much pain.

And most of all, I couldn’t take the feeling of failing, failing myself.

And if we accept the premise that we all had the choice, I asked why then did I choose this path?

What was I thinking then when I made the choice? What was I wanting to explore?

And in my run, I heard back. One was love, what is love and what is love that is “right”? And is this love that has been “wrong”?

The journey made me open to love, how to love , what is love, tough love …./

The other answer I heard was I wanted to explore leaving on a high note or letting go at a high – which I have at the peak of my career 3 years back . And therefore I wanted to explore finding myself . Honestly, I haven’t been so unclear of my trajectory. I have been so focused and results oriented in school and at work. I went for it and took what I wanted.

But is that TPY?

As I ran, I heard the voice went- you wanted to explore taking off again.

YOU taking off. Not for any other. I heard this voice say, all the rest all the time that has gone by was to ready you for this flight. This take off.

And I am thankful for this opportunity. I know I am truly blessed. If not I wouldn’t be here to see this.

If not I wouldn’t have felt the love from source so clearly yesterday.

I asked actually: what is my relationship with god or the creator or Buddha?

If I have doubts , yesterday I clearly felt the love. The grace. The lesson was delivered gently and I am assured I have been supported and guided.

I came to know how (much) I erred . I was pushing too hard, controlling too much . Distorting reality and people and all this came right back at me. The pain and anger I felt of a distorted me.

And never have I want to “come back” so much.

To “come back” to my place – I guess that is what I want to explore going forward.

To come back to know one’s place. That day Qinzhi reminded HuaiHao : “ do you even pray to god? Do you even know there is god?”And HuaiHao retorted to Qinzhi: “ I do not live there.”

I remember myself reminding him how egoistic and prideful that is.

But now I see how these are all reminders for me.

To know one’s place radically changes everything. Every single thing about one’s existence.

I asked about my relationship with god and got a reply with the feeling yesterday, yes there is a HE HIM and a bigger hand up there- in control.

And never were we – once, in control. I lost sight and myself in this exercise and exploration of control. I was inflated and so were my kids. And the lesson was delivered to me so beautifully with so much grace at where went wrong with my kids showing to me. Grace grace and so much grace.

While I am still trying to map out and strike a balance between surrendering myself and taking initiatives, I know there is a plan for me which will work its way out in the right time.

Interestingly, a few opportunities have popped up in the last few days and I am still feeling my way with them.

Each of them seemed right in some ways and some were definitively not so me.

Which begs the question: who is TPY ? What is she here for? What does she want?

But in an almost dreamy state yesterday night, it came to my realization that in listening I learned the most. As a listener with an open heart, life happens to me in the most beautiful ways. In a bigger picture, in a receiver mode. I’m always giving and have difficulty receiving. But in that mode, life happens in miracles

I remembered looking at the night sky outside of the plane window on my way back from Seoul . A thousand thousand stars shine bright, each of them a sun and revolving around them an entire planetary system

I asked myself then: where is my place in this big big space ?

And I got my reply loud and clear. From my kids who answered me – by them being out of place speaking down to us at us——- I have been seriously out of place in this big big space .

I recently thought about beauty more strongly. Beauty in nature was what rescued me time and again. I thought about experiencing beauty and expressing it outwards in the hope of striking a chord. In the hope of connecting with another. Of saying out something (for) another who wouldn’t be able to put in words. Of being another’s voice. As much as I have been warmed by words of resonance, I want to pass this on and in so creating warmth and light for the purpose of having another feel uplifted enough and feeling hopeful enough to try again.

And I ask for guidance each step of the way. To show me the path.

In which I will be living my highest, joyfully blooming and shining bright in HIS plan, as an instrument or medium relating or translating his messages.

WOW

10 Yrs 2 Mths

10 Yrs 2 Mths

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Huaihao has been making these Lego wristlets and getting them to be so machine like, it reminds me of Max Busser, the founder of MB&F. He makes machines into watches, and turn watches into machines—with friends or like minded people. I have no doubts that Huaihao will one day turn his dreamy creations or dreams into reality if given the chance to pursue and share these creations.

And before we know it, we took off 2 days before the March holidays started officially, , choosing to skip school and head to Fukuoka. I shared with the kids my intentions- that of creating beautiful memories. and we did. We hopped on to a nissan serena and drive from Fukuoka city to miyazaki.

First stopping over at Yanagawa for a charcoal smoked eel seiro

Our accommodation for the night was at Yamaga , and the kids already got used to the drill of a hotspring bath and a kaiseki dinner. The hotel had a central hotspot where people could drink and grill marshmallows. That was fun!

And there was also a pool and a table tennis facility, which huaihao enjoyed . In the end, we had lots of fun on the table tennis table too.

We drove all the way southwards to Takachiho Gorge which is at Miyazaki. The activity was row your boat in the gorge. Only 3 could get on, so i walked to places where they could me all the way from below the gorge, and we waved heaps

It was also a first time experience for Huaihao and Qinzhi to have nagashi somen, or flowing noodles, which is a thing for summer. On our way to the hotel., we stopped by this patch of fields which had lots of pink and white plum trees. And Huaihao could smell the scent from the flowers.

I actually like Kusasenri a lot. It’s so vast so open, you feel so in place. Huaihao and everyone of us walked the expanse of it. Step by step, and it made you feel like you have come a very long way

We then drove to Daikanbo, which offered a very good 360 degree view of Aso and its surroundings.

Throughout the trip, we had lots of ice creams, desserts and onigiri, we visited lots of supermarkets and had potato chips. We slept lots on the car as we covered distances.

Oh yes, one other activity was visiting a spring source and we could fill up our empty bottles

We also made a stop at Itoshima and visited the shiraito falls s and had some hands on bbq at the oyster huts

And pretty soon, we found ourselves in Fukuoka

We stopped by Tochoji temple ,which housed a giant wooden buddha and did some shopping, pigging out in the midst.

We got home late and celebrated grandpa and gengyan jiujiu’s birthday.

Then at home, Huaihao and Qinzhi got into a tiff and started firing at each other. I could see how the kids were mirroring us adults, getting into a conflict mode.. As much as bullets kept coming out, I knew it is something that needed resolution. Maybe between us.

We tried to sort at the roundtable and it worked for 2 days, I give Huaihao the credit for pulling all of us at the roundtable and for having the intention to sort things out.

But I also saw how everything, the healing themes—- come back to me. There were things that were not in the right place and that’s how everyone is pulled in to resolve.

Most of all, me having taken a wrong place and so everyone follows and the whole game gets out of hand.

It is a very humbling experience to go through this all.

I came back feeling tired, and it was apt Huaihao wanted to make ice cream

There are days like this, and days like that. The important thing is to cut through and move past it. I give my thanks to this lesson. WIth all my heart..

14 Years 1 Month

14 Years 1 Month

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We took off to Fukuoka during the March school holidays, it was originally dad and mom but we decided on japan and the kids wanted to tag along, and he trip came about.

I feel really thankful that we could do this, all conditions that were needed met, that is why.

A while ago, Qinzhi was feeling less than ready, stress with school work and friends gave her headaches and giddiness. To top it off, she said sometimes she had “stone stone”

That was her way of escaping or rather, her way of coping with things she couldn’t handle. She tended to run away into another space or reality. And would come back when she is feeling more steady. Its a bad habit actually and she is mirroring her dad, who would run into his cave whenever angered or triggered.

I really hope Qinzhi can change this coping mechanism earlier than later -for her own good.

I was worried for a while seeing her deal with her headaches, but I was reminded of what Chef Cheung said to me, 儿孙自有儿孙福. Its a chinese saying, that emphasises how we as parents cannot control or mind too much, and that our descendants have a path of their own , blessings of their own to reap.

It took me a while to settle at that and to let loose.

And we went on our trip. And I shared with them the intention of it, to create happy memories. And we did.

Our first stop is Yanagawa, venice of the east in japan with canals and waterways galore. Eel is a specialty produce here and we stopped by Ganso Motoyoshiya, an atmospheric inn which started steaming rice with a blend of sauce in bamboo seiros, topping it off with charcoal smoked eel on top, and a serving of eel liver on the side in clear soup. This restaurant put together this combination in 1681. And if anything, this is a taste of time.

We headed to our first accommodation of the trip at Yamaga where the kids had a lovely kaiseki dinner and next day breakfast. Soaking in hot spring is also something they look forward to now .

A lovely feature of this accommodation is a centrepiece where hot coal is available to grill your own marshmallow.

The next day we drove down south to Miyazaki and toured Takachiho Gorge, the kids had a go at rowing a boat.

After which we had nagashi somen, or flowing noodles. These were really totally new experiences the kids savoured. The next day we headed to Kusasenri, which offered a great view of Aso, and true enough the expanse offered so much relief it was calming to be on this land, walking on the soft carpet of burnt grass.

I came to know that the Japanese have been practising the act of controlled burning on grasslands in this area from February till April in a bid to keep trees and shrubs off the land so cows and horses could graze. This act of noyahki has been for thousands of years. On our way down, we saw cows grazing indeed and took a few moments to be near. Afterwards heading for Daikanbo, another lookout which offers a panoramic 360 degree view of Aso.

Soon enough the next day arrived and we drove to Itoshima. The search for Shiraito Falls was a challenging one as we kept driving but couldnt get there and once we got there, we couldnt quite drive out of the mountain.

As soon as we did, we did a pit stop at Itoshima’s oyster huts, had a little barbecue.

The final day was spent walking about in Fukuoka city and we visited the temple of tochoji, did a little light up and prayed before a wooden buddha in front of us.

We shopped till the shops close, had lots of wonderful sweets, then prepared for flying off the next day.

We came home to a next day of dinner at Summer Pavilion to celebrate grandpa and gengyan juju’s birthday.

But 2 days after we came home, the kids got themselves into a delicious fight too, just spewing out harsh words at each other, breaking up peace and calm. Daddy had a part to play too in joining in. And we did rounds after rounds of talking at our round table—with the intention of resolving the conflict.

And I learned a few things.

-That the kids mirror us, what we do not like about their behaviour has been a reminder to us to set our own paths straight.

-Qinzhi kept hinging on how her chinese teacher called her name wrongly. We went back to the instant when her teacher called her name wrongly and the class laughed, and she laughed with them. I kind of get it. You are angry at yourself for that decision , out of conformity , wanting to be in a group, actually—-wanting to be recognised, you lose a part of yourself to join them. But deep at heart, you bash yourself up for that decision. Because you gave your power away and did not acknowledge yourself .

We encourage her to write to her teacher and principal to address this if it really mattered that much to her.

The question is- how many times did we do that? That thing of giving our own power away? Out of many reasons.

When was the last time I did that to myself, giving my power away? Each time we do not speak our truth or went with someone else’s idea and suppressed our own, we give a bit of ourselves away. No matter how big or how small.

I kind of thanked Qinzhi for this reminder, because I gave myself away to the family, and stopped living my truth and light when I decided to quit. And what is my truth what is my light? How do I reclaim myself back and to get others to see me in my own light, brighter and shinier than ever?

What do I do?

-And seeing Qinzhi having to grapple with different issues made me see how I at many levels is grappling with my own too. It boils down to us all needing to take better care of ourselves being more aware and appreciative of ourselves.

So many truths coming to light. And it feels like being on ground zero and starting out all over again. Need I say, I am thankful of this opportunity ?

This opportunity to build oneself.