Month: November 2022

Running/ Walking (xvii)

Running/ Walking (xvii)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Qinzhi woke me up from the (prolonged?) slumber I had been in.

I motivated her to get up to run/walk with us. She woke up late as usual but I convinced her to do the walk slowly.

When we headed to the park, she was all the way behind us.

I asked the daddy to slow down and be with her while I ran. I didn’t want to leave her alone

But the daddy kind of asked where she is and threw a fit.

“If Qinzhi is going to walk like that don’t force her. Let’s just head back.“

He went all the way and Qinzhi obviously was shocked at this sudden onward of lecture

Frozen she stood where she was and took it all

I did kind of the same- with a few worthless- stop it .

Afterwards she walked kind of directionless lifelessly

Yet this all made sense to me. Because Qinzhi is mirroring who else but me.

She was reflecting back to me how I was walking living

So while I coaxed her motivated her coached her, I can’t help but feel like this is for me

Life IS happening for me, showing to me, talking to me.

And I m glad I heard .

Mummy

Mummy

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

It’s mom’s 20th death anniversary today.

We all headed to the temple to pray. Dad got the food, joss paper as always. And when all is done he said to us, “ mom’s gone for 20 years today. So fast.”

I kind of went through this without feeling my feelings

Maybe that was why I felt so uncomfortable at the temple

Breathe- I told myself

What do I feel?

Tired out. It’s so much work with mummy not around me.

I put up defenses, protective covers, I hardened up consciously and unconsciously. I went the distance and worked myself to the max challenging myself pushing boundaries

I wallowed in self pity

I put up a strong front

I did not acknowledge too many things and just got on with life as best I can

But the more I did this the deeper I fell

Earlier this year, with family constellations, I kind of saw how mummy chose her own path- because she had felt so lost so helpless. So alone.

Awhile ago, I kind of thought back on her journey and her choice

And I guess I somehow got sidestepped feeling her.

Now writing this, I know this isn’t what mummy want.

Its also not what I WANT!!! But I kind of went into it without awareness and came this far

As a mummy myself now, I sort of got my kids worried with the recent slump I have been in

Mummy worried me too- on a few occasions. But she’s always so strong for us . Until she couldn’t hold on anymore

Writing this now, I know I m not mummy, I don’t have her experiences her pain her troubles

I turn backwards now to me. To continue where I left off in my own path

I am counting my blessings as I acknowledge my path and thanking all my guardian angels who have been protecting me and guiding me all this while. Bringing me back after having for mummy’s path for a while

And I know the reason is to anchor me on my own

And although mummy has left for 20 years, somehow she’s still with me

In me

In the patterns habits standards I keep myself up to having been born to her, bred by her

What would mummy say to me?

I recall that in a healing session, her message to me was ‘ “ I m so proud of you.”

And the message now:

“Go get what you want. Stop living life for me for others but for TPY. Let the fear doubts self pity rest. You have everything you need to succeed. The universe is behind you with you”

“you are always shiny always brilliance. Mummy loves you so much.”

Thank you Mummy for this connection this message. Most of all for having me, for giving birth to me, for cherishing me more than yourself.

Love you mummy !

At bedtime, I told HuaiHao about how I felt and this little boy said, “ you do not have to not cry you know. Release it. “

I asked him how?

“Everyone has their way of releasing emotions . Let it out.”

I asked him what is his way?

“Cry”

And what is mummy’s way?

He said “ the same “

I shared that if I let it all out I would be worrying him.

And he said, “ but we all want to care for the people we love”

So cry I did and HuaiHao wiped tears away. I felt two things at one go- I felt so blessed to have him with me. At the same time, I felt how much I missed my mummy. I told him so.

He kind of didn’t really know how to react. He hugged me and put his hand on my face for a while

I asked if I caused him worry

He said , a little bit. “ I don’t want you to be sad”

So I shared that previously I kind of hid my emotions away but I become tired out and low. But now if I displayed my emotions , I worried him.

I asked him which he would prefer and he said the latter.

I thanked HuaiHao for his wonderful teaching this evening and most of all- his showing support and his presence for me.

For a while, I thought I finally — did grieve.

The next morning the first question HuaiHao asked me when he woke up was, “ so did you get over it already? You have to release the feelings otherwise they will control you”

“ so did you?”

I told him it’s like peeling off an outer heavy shell and showing the me that was underneath and I thanked him for holding space for this process.

So much love!

Running / Walking (xvi)

Running / Walking (xvi)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Ron gave me the St Benedict medal. Sasha asked khenpo dorje to do a divination and the reply was that “u hv a astral flotsam attached. Not too serious but definitely disembodying. U ll be fine!💐🌺🌸💐🌺🌸”

And Sasha’s advice was

“Yes these entity-things can try to drain yr energy & shape-shift around u … so u r probably feeling what its feeling! They r like giant mosquitoes that inject their own emotions & drain yr energy. The practice is to Be Yourself as much as u can.Really they can be easily removed”

The practice is to be yourself

Well I was searching for myself – and for that matter , searching really hard of late. And this learning had to come to really drive me down to getting every wee bit of mySELF out

I used to be a really sensitive child

My nanny would say, if people wanted to share red eggs celebrating a baby’s full month of being, and they showed the eggs in my face I would cry non stop or get a fever

I recall having lots of talisman burned waters in my childhood

That day when I shared this with Helena, she said, “ maybe this is the real you but out of fear you blocked it- and blocked everything out. But maybe you could use this in a way to help yourself and others. Learn to shield yourself and take only what you need. Practice !”

She asked me，” actually what are you afraid of ?”

Now as I try make sense of it – The feeling is almost as if fear is part of me. I have grown so accustomed to it it constitutes my identity

But really – what is TPY like without fear? Who can she be?

I told Sasha I must be at a low and she agreed because “that ll be when they attach Positivity has a kind of natural buoyant energetic protection.Low thins out the energy …”

I know.

And I learned a lot about myself from this episode

The message that came through in the run was “ you asked for expanded consciousness didn’t you?”

Yes I did and this is one instance where my consciousness is expanded and can feel a bigger spectrum

But like Helena said, be conscious and learn to shield yourself from anything that affects you

Like Sasha said, “ be yourself”

As a child, I was always carrying a lot of fear, I was afraid of the dark and mysterious . I always had my imagination wild and created more fear because of that- estranging myself further from reality

Carried by fear carried in fear, I lost myself.

Totally lost it.

Ula said,” i guess you need love to you & your family..bcz i think you had lose some feel of love”

I asked for the reason of my existence and 2 days before we went to the beach in the evening

I was happied out. I haven’t felt that simple joy outwards from the heart in a long time

Seeing how the kids had fun and played with water with bf, I got my answer.

These folks in front of me are my reason. I thanked the universe for hearing me and replying back to me

And today after my run, I saw bf bathed in the sun walking towards me

He is my reason – that boy who loved me loves me knows me through and through and anchors me

And interestingly this time, with the knowing of the divination, I kind of felt quite at peace

I told myself to create a lot of space – when the space becomes really big, anything in that is dwarfed in smallness

And I drew notes from my learnings from Tibetan Buddhism practice- awareness. Just be aware

Sometimes I felt so sad and HuaiHao asked me, why are so so sad? I don’t have an explanation for him

Sasha said I could be feeling not me

And I was actually chanting a lot and dedicating the merits outwards feeling a lot of compassion for other beings and being grateful that I m in a position to chant and dedicate

I know that I did not do anything wrong and so I will be safe and protected

Most of all each time I trust the divine and protection is with me, I get goose bumps

In all of this practice, patience and openness is helpful. I recall all the Angel numbers that I kept seeing: 11:11 444 12:12 and the like , apparently it is a sign that I m travelling on the right path

Even at my level when things felt so out of place I kept seeing these

I suck out the very essence of light in me to venture forward. I trust that I can heal myself I trust and have faith in my own light

And I m most thankful I have so many supportive circles around me and most of all, I have Guru Rinpoche and all these wonderful mantras to anchor on

And, and -the sun was brilliant today. Sharing it with you.