It’s mom’s 20th death anniversary today.

We all headed to the temple to pray. Dad got the food, joss paper as always. And when all is done he said to us, “ mom’s gone for 20 years today. So fast.”

I kind of went through this without feeling my feelings

Maybe that was why I felt so uncomfortable at the temple

Breathe- I told myself

What do I feel?

Tired out. It’s so much work with mummy not around me.

I put up defenses, protective covers, I hardened up consciously and unconsciously. I went the distance and worked myself to the max challenging myself pushing boundaries

I wallowed in self pity

I put up a strong front

I did not acknowledge too many things and just got on with life as best I can

But the more I did this the deeper I fell

Earlier this year, with family constellations, I kind of saw how mummy chose her own path- because she had felt so lost so helpless. So alone.

Awhile ago, I kind of thought back on her journey and her choice

And I guess I somehow got sidestepped feeling her.

Now writing this, I know this isn’t what mummy want.

Its also not what I WANT!!! But I kind of went into it without awareness and came this far

As a mummy myself now, I sort of got my kids worried with the recent slump I have been in

Mummy worried me too- on a few occasions. But she’s always so strong for us . Until she couldn’t hold on anymore

Writing this now, I know I m not mummy, I don’t have her experiences her pain her troubles

I turn backwards now to me. To continue where I left off in my own path

I am counting my blessings as I acknowledge my path and thanking all my guardian angels who have been protecting me and guiding me all this while. Bringing me back after having for mummy’s path for a while

And I know the reason is to anchor me on my own

And although mummy has left for 20 years, somehow she’s still with me

In me

In the patterns habits standards I keep myself up to having been born to her, bred by her

What would mummy say to me?

I recall that in a healing session, her message to me was ‘ “ I m so proud of you.”

And the message now:

“Go get what you want. Stop living life for me for others but for TPY. Let the fear doubts self pity rest. You have everything you need to succeed. The universe is behind you with you”

“you are always shiny always brilliance. Mummy loves you so much.”

Thank you Mummy for this connection this message. Most of all for having me, for giving birth to me, for cherishing me more than yourself.

Love you mummy !

At bedtime, I told HuaiHao about how I felt and this little boy said, “ you do not have to not cry you know. Release it. “

I asked him how?

“Everyone has their way of releasing emotions . Let it out.”

I asked him what is his way?

“Cry”

And what is mummy’s way?

He said “ the same “

I shared that if I let it all out I would be worrying him.

And he said, “ but we all want to care for the people we love”

So cry I did and HuaiHao wiped tears away. I felt two things at one go- I felt so blessed to have him with me. At the same time, I felt how much I missed my mummy. I told him so.

He kind of didn’t really know how to react. He hugged me and put his hand on my face for a while

I asked if I caused him worry

He said , a little bit. “ I don’t want you to be sad”

So I shared that previously I kind of hid my emotions away but I become tired out and low. But now if I displayed my emotions , I worried him.

I asked him which he would prefer and he said the latter.

I thanked HuaiHao for his wonderful teaching this evening and most of all- his showing support and his presence for me.

For a while, I thought I finally — did grieve.

The next morning the first question HuaiHao asked me when he woke up was, “ so did you get over it already? You have to release the feelings otherwise they will control you”

“ so did you?”

I told him it’s like peeling off an outer heavy shell and showing the me that was underneath and I thanked him for holding space for this process.

So much love!