A Korean docuseries documenting K-pop reps, asking them if they were to do a perfect performance before they died, what song would it be and where—- all in one take
The episode on Rain was very inspiring
I kind of grew up with him
When he started out in 2002 that was when I began my career as a journalist
I remember watching his concert live and watching him on Take 1 made me feel alive
It made the engine in my heart start roaring
There were so many wonderful quotes, such as
“Just do it the way you practised “
“Treat the practice like the real thing and the real thing like a practice”
“The stage is about the tension between an artist and the audience and I will use that tension as fuel to unleash my energy on stage. It is my goal to put forward a performance that makes you shiver from head to toe as soon as it starts”
“Give a performance that is impossible to give. Even if it’s impossible, I like to give it a try”
“Even if it doesn’t work, I need to try my best first”
“I won’t stop unless we nail it”
“I always told myself to never regret things”
“People get a few chances in their lifetime. But if you don’t do your best each time, you won’t be given a chance next time”
“I don’t know how others evaluate me. But if I had evaluate myself on stage it’s not that I was cool or the best. It’s that u was true to myself. If I were to evaluate myself I’d say I did my best and was devoted. ”
His fans all went wild – obviously , seeing this one take . 25000 applied to come into the blue house to watch this performance and only 1000 came in
Qinzhi was watching with me and I told her, I also want to do something that makes me come alive and makes people come alive.
It felt like there was some force or energy at my trunk or core —— driving the run
I felt very awaken. The run was kind of easy.
It made me sit up and listen to it , observe it. And whenever my mind drifted, I went back to it.
Is it the qi?
Or the soul?
My very being or beingness? What is it?
Whatever it is, it showed me something else was there for me in my life and I had all along been oblivious to its presence
That was there very driving force of my life. When I was strong and when I was weak. It’s always been there.
I finally saw it. I love you, thank you. Please- forgive me. I am sorry.
And there are actually so many things or resources that are around us , in and with us that we do not see.
What was the thing I did to see it?
I did reiki on myself yesterday before I slept and this morning when I rose.
There were lots of jerks twitches and movements that came out of the body on its own
While I had been worried seeing as the body’s release of uptightness stress, today I saw it as energy moving in and out of the body
At least there is some exchange and I know some changes are in place
There is some flow
There was also a lot of fear in my heart area
Pretty strong and intense. While I used to have so much fear over this fear and succumbed to it, this morning I looked it it gave it space acknowledging its presence
I told my self to create space for it
Keep giving light to it
Be compassionate to this feeling.
Was talking to HuaiHao yesterday and he said I looked sad. He asked me why? I said maybe I lost myself and is directionless. And I beat myself up for that.
To which he said, “ that’s sad, then don’t beat yourself up!”
If we can be less judgemental not just on ourselves but to life, noting that Everything can , be. I think life would be a bliss and a breeze
This was pretty much inspired by a post I saw yesterday on IG
Heaven earth or hell, it all came within. In the first place we allowed it because a certain part of us got curious about a certain element of it .
But we so very often lose our grip. It is so because our own negativities, insecurities, doubts, fears, regrets, pain come to play.
We lose our footing as we get embroiled in it all. And tumble. This was what happened to me.
And at this point we do need people – our best guardian friends, our angels or a greater source of energy like the creator or god or buddhas you subscribe to — for that matter they all represent light they are light- to light up the pathway for us and to give us the added support energy strength blessings protection and healing to bring us back
And it’s also the mind. The super creative at work, creating all the good the bad and everything in between.
The mind is wavering in the wind and the practice is to anchor it on light or a mantra. And I am reminded of Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche’s teachings. That everything is emptiness.
And I have to thank all buddhas and guardian angels who have been with me- all this while. For loving me.
I remember asking John why certain things work, and he says , “just know it does. It works like how nature works. So why does nature work? So go and learn about nature and your connection with it”
There’s a greater wisdom out there
That we could surrender or subscribe to. It actually does all the work
Like how it is in today’s run. How the sun rises everyday . How me and you were born.
Because I didn’t. So I got to discovering this. and a collection of thoughts below.
The Heart Went Wild
We were heading back from our walk and I was panting
Bf remarked if I was ok because we were just brisk walking
I said now even if I brisk walked, I was panting less than the days before when I was doing nothing but panting and frail and weak and fatigued
And he said, that is because your mind is lost and your heart doesn’t know what to do
Your mind went away and did not give instructions to the heart and the heart went wild too
Wow
And he hit the mail on the head. The heart went wild, went everywhere and nowhere.
I was LOST, big time
I got impatient trying to find something to do
I sent out resumes
And didn’t get replies
I tumbled into a very low low
I completely lost myself and couldn’t steer myself anywhere
For a while I didn’t know what I want and worse nothing really could motivate me or anchor me
Qinzhi was so right
She said ,” you look like you are so down with life “
And I worried her
Then yesterday when I felt better, she said, “ you look like you found something you are passionate for “
I told bf this and he asked me what I found.
Heal Thyself
I said I found – again this reminder – I can heal myself
Just today walking and chatting om ah hung – Guru Rinpoche ‘s mantra brought me newfound wisdom
I went back to the sacred cave in tso pema and saw Guru Rinpoche in his cave
I was kneeling before him and trying to feel his presence and blessings
It’s a very special feeling
Feels like there’s something else that touches you through and through in the air
Actually I kept asking for healing and blessings and today I understood that my prayers were heard – even if I thought I was not heard
I asked for healing and I kept going back to the past to check on myself and when I went there I always saw or found new things about myself
Yes there was healing
Power
And I also realized how much of my own power I have given out
Each time I looked outside for advice, I went out to look for consolation, I gave a bit of my power away
But- Each time I engage in initiatives to do something for myself engaging and ascertaining my power I feel good
Show Up for Today
And I didn’t couldn’t show up for life in the few days that I was not well
Do Today Do Now
I was thinking big! My purpose in life, the meaning I can derive . And I got even more lost
But just now ! The message I heard was- just look at tomorrow or even now . Do the day well. Make every moment of the day joyful, easy, effortless, happy, healthy.
And the bigger things will come
只要过好每分每秒，未来的都是生命的花红
If you make each moment count, everything that comes along is a gift from life
Qinzhi says I look so tired and that I m “done with life”
It’s an empty look
That even I got worried about
I was so empty and blanked out I couldn’t understand where or what went wrong
I tried to understand find out but just couldn’t
I was just emptied out
Was I in some kind of shock or did something grip me?
Did I shut myself down because I felt low and the cycle repeats?
I tried to anchor myself on Buddhist mantras and affirmations like looking in the mirror and saying I love you , I approve of myself
Sometimes there were realizations such as – this is another opportunity to train the mind and steer it to a firm standing
I was definitely thrown off course- how did I slip into this?
In everyday there are ups and downs and once again I see clearly for myself how the mind went off course and the body followed
And I know now what can help: meditation, simple qigong , moving the hands, shaking, running and walking in the sun, soaking the feet in sea water, hugging and kissing the kids, getting a hug and kiss from bf, watching k pop and
Sleeping
Sleeping is like a reset and I always wake up feeling better .
Breathe
Shower
Awareness actually
Actually – the simplest things anyone can do
To find back or come back to center
Then just now, after some movement, I had this voice which said- “ all this happened to remind you that you can heal yourself!”
Like a kind of cyclical repeat, these episodes of tired help me get into myself, and lets me find some kind of power I have stored in me. It happened again and again and each time I came out of it following an uplifting thought
I can heal myself – I can heal myself , this is the message tired brought me and reminded me of
And I asked, what and how. And I learnt to listen
These fatigued out low energy low esteem days and moments serve to let me know that I can snap out of them at will. And only I
And so can you
I m well and all is safe. Out of this only good will come. I am always divinely protected and guided, always traveling in the best direction .
And so it is. You too, wherever you are. For the very simple reason, life loves you.
The day after – on a bus, I heard a voice go- who says tired is bad? What is the value you attach to tired that made it worse?
We tend to have certain ideas about things and these may be the exact things that might not serve us
So free the self from concepts notions ideas attachments and experience greater space and freedom
Watching kpop drama <Shooting Stars> with HuaiHao, this episode spells of a budding love between a celebrity and the team lead of the PR department. And i turned to Huaihao and said, “Isn’t nice to to have someone you love?”
And HuaiHao turned to me and said, “mommy”
Awwwwwwwwww
This little one is beginning to appreciate vegetarian bee hoon his dad likes at a coffeeshop in an older estate in this part of this modern country. He was filled with hopes as he made his 45min journey on a bus to eat there. He said if the stall isn’t open he will cry. And the stall did not open. We took him there another day and look at him!
He said, “I m all blossoming now!”
And there were a few days Huaihao didn’t have to go to school so we went jogging at east coast beach soaked in some sun and sea breeze!
And with Huaihao, I kind of find my belonging
Every year on my birthday, Huaihao would be the first one to wake up in the morning and to hand me with two little hands, his handmade card. This year too! And he would kiss me kiss kiss kiss, he makes me feel very precious and appreciated.
On another day, we went to Uniqlo just to do a recce of what winter wear options they had and Huaihao took the chance to get on a ride
Just that he is little no more!
On the saturday before ah hui ah yi’s birthday, there was a last minute luncheon Huaihao could attend and this sincere little one made a card in quick time and coloured the cake with the colours of clothes ah hui ah yi would wear!
On another morning, Mommy took Huaihao to have eggs and toast.
Actually missed out on bedtime routines with HuaiHao in the last 2 weeks and we finally cuddled in bed one night.
HuaiHao : do you know how long I waited for this?
Me: wait?
HuaiHao: We haven’t hugged like this for so long every second in the last 2 weeks felt like an eternity
On another day, it wasn’t quite the day I would ask for.
HuaiHao: so are you angry?
Me:… not really. It’s like, the feeling is——well done huh TPY
HuaiHao: But life has its ups and downs what . It’s normal. Just breathe breathe and breathe… it’s ok.
Is some angel speaking to me through this precious little one?
HuaiHao: How are you feeling now? You can feel your feelings mommy it’s ok. On the outside you are okay but on the inside you are hurt
Me: huh really ?
HuaiHao: You’ve got to be a sponge on the sea.
Me: What’s that?
HuaiHao: It always rises up to the top. The sponge. Even if a hydraulic press presses on it, it always comes up. 100%
One night we were walking back home and HuaiHao saw a bright star
I said that it doesn’t sparkle do probably it’s not a star but a planet
I fished my phone out and pointed an app at it
The star is Jupiter
And HuaiHao said how wonderful is it to have an app like this that could show you something so far away
I said I don’t even know how to describe that distance from here to Jupiter
HuaiHao said we are gazillions apart
I said that before HuaiHao came to me as a baby we are also that far apart
But something magical happened in the midst . Some kind of magic force or energy collapsed the distance in between and now we are here holding hands
Isn’t that wonderful?
Yes, wonderful isn’t enough to spell things out. As with everything in life, that we celebrate or not, it is a magical occurrence through and through.
More often than not, we do not see the beauty of something because of the preconceived notions that we have.
Dear Huaihao, I hope you will be open and wise to see life as it is, it is what mommy is learning now. I wish you lots of love and light.
By the end of October, Qinzhi would be starting her holidays and officially graduated from sec 1. It seems just like yesterday that she finished with her PSLE
And one interesting thing she was tested for was cooking!
Qinzhi said she was stressed out and had vertigo. This something that bothered her and she took to thinking over and over about it until she experienced spinning. I explained to Qinzhi that instead of thinking and deliberating over it again and again, and getting herself into a spin. How about doing it. Stepping up to doing it?
And writing about this made me understand once again, that Qinzhi and me are alike. I also deliberated over things -over and over again. She was showing it outwards to me
One other interesting thing she was tested for was art
We couldnt really head out to a meal for my birthday because the next day she had Math Paper 2. But on my birthday morning, Qinzhi woke up early and presented me with a card
And it is all that matters because I just want Qinzhi to be happy and healthy. The things Qinzhi taught me,
to come back to myself
to recognise and acknowledge one’s feelings
to be confident
to fully express oneself
is way too precious just like her.
Recently I started kissing Qinzhi in bed, when I head into her room to switch off her dome. And I feel that she’s blossomed even more.
Listening to Joey Yap these 2 days inspired me in two ways
He said that if you wanted something, it’s not the wish you made that makes it possible but the steps you take . When you take the correct action, you do not have to keep your eyes on the end result because you get there.
It’s the steps you take.
Second, he talked about opening up to grace. And that we have notions about what is grace. Like this is grace or healing and that is not and in so we could not see what has been given .
This brings me to the point of me realizing this point yesterday during the run—— that my body actually has healed the keloid over and over again. If this isn’t grace what is????
YET I failed to recognize it. And time and again it has stood by me. Mended me.
Today in my run , I found something else.
That me of all people must have at one point in time believed that I m lesser, lesser than beautiful.
It could be a time when I was fat and obese and there were well meaning people around me poking at me in fun ways to make me watch my diet but I took it the wrong way.
And in an instant, I of all people put an energy on myself as I too, believed in that.
I believe and grew to become ugly somewhere, my esteem and confidence bruised
I did away with my fleshy round face and rosy blush cheeks
Today in my run, I actually saw this for myself. And how I – of all people stopped myself and limited myself and subjected myself to a lesser state
But seeing this was liberating, I came face to face with the little girl I was and she was crying.
“Why did they say those things to me? Am I not perfect beautiful cute?”
And I said to her, “ forgive them! They said these things as passing remarks. They did not know how to express better. They still loved you anyway.”
Let them go and that intense energy you subjected yourself to- dissolve into nothingness
“You are beautiful as always. Find back the blush the rosy cheeks the round face. Don’t give them up just like that.”
And for once, I found the keloids scar beautiful. They were a testament to how much my body loves me, stood by me , and beautiful because of this story of knowing
It’s been close to one month since I stopped running , recovering from flu
The last week has been extremely tiring for me with foggy feelings fatigue breathlessness
When I ran all this while nothing of the sort plaqued me
It came to my understanding that the energy isn’t flowing or circulating in my body and there was a lot of stagnation
Probably also another nod to my professional life as I now look outwards and forward to starting out again
Yesterday while preparing dinner, I told myself to do every bit deliberately
Be in the moment and not be led away by the fogginess and the associated frustration and helpless feelings that came along
There was a lot of surrendering to that state I was in it trying to make sense or worry or find out what was not right
Not trying to get out of it desperately
To just be with that state and not being afraid of it not stopping it nor trying to force my way with it – and end up making things worse
But the sun came out this morning and I decided to head out
I ran somewhat slowly first
And I intended to open myself up to the now
And to listen in to whatever message or guidance the universe brings
And bring me messages it did
⁃ We are the very ones who close our doors to life. Really subtly this happens. We close up and we know this is true because or when we open up
⁃ Awareness can heal. I thought of the repeated bouts of fatigue and breathlessness. Each time worked my way with it using whatever awareness I have or have not- they were important practice sessions for me to wake up. Awareness of the situation can have immense healing powers
⁃ it doesn’t matter how slow you go so long as you are in the right direction, you are getting there
⁃ I thought of my keloids- thing is even though it has been inflamed so many times each time it healed. The body heals. The body is on my side
⁃ But how many times did we wreck our body by not taking care of it
⁃ The next thing that came: give thanks. Say thank you, thank you body for healing me each time
An eagle flew by as I completed my run
I also learnt that there is a lot of power in “I call my power back”
Huaihao came over at 6 in the morning , hugged and kissed me and gave me a card he made, “happy birthday mommy”
At night I asked him what are his wishes for me? And he said, “I wish for you long life, happiness and healthy!”
On my birthday, HuaiHao woke up earliest as always and showed me his handmade card. Then Qinzhi woke up too and hugged me. After the kids headed to school, we had vegetarian bee hoon and headed to the market and supermarket to get ingredients for dinner. We went to collect the cake.
Bf asked the kids to ask dad sis and boy over for dinner. And i m thankful for that. I made a wish and blew the candle on my birthday cake . And it is as perfect as can be.
More importantly, yesterday, I kind of took some time to listen to my (higher self) and got some notes out of it.
Conversation with TPY
This is one beautiful birthday where you felt like you didn’t need anything else, isn’t it? In the past, you wished that your husband bought you flowers or pampered you with a lavish dinner, or throw you a surprise. Not this year.
You kind of felt like you don’t need anything from your husband children , you are thankful for whatever they have done for you and simply, them being here.
Actually, I don’t know how this year went by for you. It went so fast everything was deep and intense as you put your all into the depths and the roller coaster of the mind and emotions of course. But – you know- you actually wanted it didn’t you?
and so off you went to explore the mind.
You ran SO So Much! Never have you ran and walked so much in the sun but you found newfound freedom me time and so much wonderful wisdom and healing in the runs. You sort of got answers for your questions from the wind, the squirrels the insects the flowers the sun and-I m amazed you actually ran in the rain
You explored the breath
You explored affirmations
You found a greater understanding for yourself your life your experiences
And saw the connection of the mind and body
You learned about manifestations
You explored qigong
You enjoyed sound baths
You went back to yoga
I feel like the key word for you this year is energy
You did lots of energy work knowingly and unknowingly-you were exploring energy-of yourself and of others
You explored reiki- and that is because you felt there is a lot more work to be done exploring keloids and your past experiences
You wanted to go back. In fact, you kept going back to the past- fervently digging and digging. Wanting to stay there and not going forward.
Looking back: what were you thinking? What did you want to find?
What truths are you seeking and hanging on to? Just to stop yourself from going forward? You have created the keloids, the cyst and many others to stop yourself from going forward.For instance, you felt you needed healing. And you peeled off onion layers and saw more.
You kind of indulged yourself
And I know you are very thankful to your husband for allowing you, he took on the more difficult parts of supporting the family so you could do this.
The year that passed you by – happened in the very way you wanted
And landed you in the now
So be careful what you want
What do you want?
The k drama you picked out- Little Women was a thriller ride on plots and inner psyche. In a scene, the female lead found herself in a new house and her aunt said, “this is the kind of house that makes you feel like you can start off all over again even if you have lost everything”
And you turned to HuaiHao who was watching with you and said, “ isn’t it nice to start off afresh? If all is not lost, you wouldn’t be able to do anything you want however you want it. There would be patches here and there that you had to manoeuvre around and take care of .
It feels like where you are now. And when you kind of understood why you hanged on to this drama amongst others. Simply put, the outside is a reflection of the inner world
There is something in you TPY – and in you too- you you you and you- and that is intuition, instinct inner knowing
It might be a blur to the senses but you me we have it
So what do you want?
You were discussing this with the hairstylist the day before your birthday. It started with her recommending a really short spanking hairdo and asking you to do away with the fringe
You asked what happens if the fringe grew long?
And she said, “ then come look for me!”
You explained to her that you liked her suggestion more- you wanted the change didn’t you but you felt that keeping the fringe would be more convenient. I m glad you finally decided to pick what you like rather than what is convenient
And writing this made you realized what you just did- a while ago you asked yourself who you wanted to be? And you told yourself you wanted to be this girl bathed in sun, lean and athletic, with this sporty hairdo.
It has (be)come true
So I m really glad you chose the short hairdo, inherently- choosing to explore the new hairdo and be willing to be guided by it and see what comes out of it.
Recounting what she said you smiled. You wondered why you took the time to even think
You smiled because you are once again reminded and so thankful that there are so many people around you supporting you
There is absolutely no need to worry, nothing to concern yourself over.
I was really glad you took her advice to trim this short, she said, “I hope you find the inspiration to start off and start out-do what you like.”
I m glad you told her you trusted her and you knew this was the best option. I m glad you left it to her. I m glad – you decided to try something new rather than something you have done before
I m glad you followed your heart. Huaihao came up with a shopping list and listed love as one ingredient when you told him dinner is hotpot. He said, “because love IS the MOST important ingredient”
I m glad you affirmed what you liked when the hairstylist asked you that question – what do you like to do?
You said you like to go in search of beauty. Because in the experience of beauty you become whole and alive again. In beauty you redeemed your good self
Then you told her that you like to interview or talk to people- because people often tell you about the innermost bits of their lives – even if you have recently met. It is that trust and connection that you like to score.
And then you spoke about the man in your lives . You both have unromantic husbands. And would be always waiting out for that lovey dovey conversation or moment of romance and that would be the battery to let you go on
You laughed over the notion of (holding on to)romance
The hairstylist remarked that she does not believe in romance. And you said that the one who passes a remark like this is the romantic one
And she stopped to remind you this: “let me tell you this, the husband who does not require you to change to fit realistic demands is the one who is utmost and truly a romantic.”
That is because , she says, he allows you to do what you like and
he will face up to the harshest of realities and do all that is required so that you can continue to do what you like
It was a timely reminder- or a great summation of the last few years when you quit and your husband supported you wholeheartedly- with no expectations or conditions attached
It is not the first time you heard this
In fact you heard this several times over already but perhaps today you felt the gravity of it the most
This morning you felt it again when he hugged you with all his life
You cried in his arms because you knew he was protecting you all the while even when you were a spoilt brat and unreasonable
You felt it because a few days back he told you that you two could take a trip together
And you knew this came at this time because you two had passed the test
You were asking him where always did he want to go with you
And he replied, “france “
You were very happy because that is where you always always wanted to go with him too
You told him you were saving this for his 50th birthday to which he replied, “Sometimes u don’t have to keep things”
And you contemplate getting good class flight tickets because something tells you that this is such a precious trip – it is time given to you both to celebrate you two and it marks the beginning of better times in fact- great times for the two of you
More so, you wanted to thank him for unconditionally doing so many things for the family . Most of all, for you
And you wanted to thank him for that. You wanted to do something for him to say you appreciate and is thankful for him
And a few days later, he bought running shoes for you
My dear TPY, while you have spent so much time deliberating and fussing over yourself and your experiences, I m so glad you came to your senses and you have completed this little project of going back in time for yourself. And for coming back to the now at this point in time. Everything happened at the right time.
I believe as much as you do know, that the time has come forth for you to step out and up – to be that person you have stopped yourself from becoming
Tell me: What is the life or days you are looking out for ?
Days of sun, light , laughter, healthfulness, wellness, communication, love, bliss, beauty, meaning, purpose, kindness, prosperity, ease, effortlessness
What is it you like to do?
Talk to people, find out about their lives their values, so as to let them see their light and power, to connect.
And if possible, share that light outwards so more people are inspired and motivated
You want to become that top interviewer or presenter who would ask questions that would arrive at the innermost of the heart and that would heal
You want to be moved and to touch
And you ask yourself if you can do that?
YES YES YES you know you can and will
Happy birthday TPY
You are so loved. I wish you all the very best. You have all the support you need to do your work. So, fly now.
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