Its been a while since I picked up running 3 times a week. Although each time the route is the same, the process is so different.

What has been different is that H has been coming for healing sessions , energy work and I learn things each time. During the first session, her pendulum wouldn’t move on top of my crown, with energy work, the pendulum always moves in a vibrant fashion . But in subsequent sessions, in the beginning, the movements were small. My vital points were always wanting of movements and energy.

It is no wonder I felt low down and out. Not in the flow not connected.

Thoughts in the night

I have been drifting in and out of sleep at night with thoughts, such as: I have been “managing the keloids ” for the past close to 10 years, is it not enough? Not enough scratching itching inflammation?

Enough already?

I asked myself- or my higher self asked me—- in the middle of the night.

Peeling of layers

Today I peeled off another layer about the keloids.

Whilst walking back after the run, I peeled off another layer. The most recent realisation saw me seeing how the keloids were a shield and a protection for me.

Today I asked why I needed the protection?

The question is: do i still need protection now? The next thing that came to me was that I actually have support layers around me, whether it be family, an essential oil community or healers and people I could reach out to.

I am no longer that little one that needs protection, or -layers of protection.

The next thing I saw was that- the keloids were a shield and protection I desperately put up- in the time I need. There were these moments in time when I could no longer take any more. It was like the waves of life were coming at me. And I must have felt like I needed to block these out, and in a bid to block out whatever that was coming – I could no longer care if it’s good for me or not—- I needed a shield of protection. I needed to hide behind this shield this protection.

Today I saw how used to”shielding/protecting” myself from life I have become accustomed to. The shield and protecting is already happening unconsciously running automatically. In the same measure, the same “reflex”action, this habitual action and mindset, I block myself out of all receiving. Of all good things of all life.

Blocking out has been my habitual act I have become so used to, it happens without thinking.

Surrender

Surrendering is easier said than done. That day when I ran, I tried to work on open awareness. Basically just be aware of everything and anything around you. I felt like there was content in the atmosphere and I just wanted to allow the self to be open to this. To let the divine take over.

Whilst running today, I tried to open myself up. To allow, and to open up and allow. How do you push or let your self be aside and let the divine take over?

What is the feeling of stepping aside? Of putting your ego away in everyday life, in relationships?

Yoga

So many meaningful things felt during the yoga session on Monday. Teacher said, “find a place space for your breath – where it hasn’t gone to in your body. “

At the end of the session, I felt myself in stillness, in that place, there isn’t much movement, and you don’t really want to move. And after I left the studio, I wanted to keep that stillness somewhat. Trying my utmost to not disturb that sensation.

What I like

I told H about how Kim Robinson sat me down and used lipstick on my lips and told me , “Yen you have the most beautiful lips.”

I teared up. For he rescued me in that time of need. And till now, I remembered that moment even if he might not remember me. In my work previously, I have had the honour and privilege of meeting with angels like him, it was as if divinity is speaking to me through them, cherishing me motivating me, energising me.

It is moments like these- I felt connected to the divine. And in the years I have stayed away from work, I kind of lost grip and slipped away from these precious connections.

Getting back to work

I asked bf for support if I was ever going back to work. And he asked me what that is. I described to him how he could leave home without a care and to be devoted to work. Even if the kids were not well, he does not even call back to check on them. And that is because I m holding the fort at home.

And he got it. I asked if he is ready to commit to holding space and the home like this for me, when I get out to work. And when I do, I will have no reservations. I have been storing energy in the past 3 years for me to fly when I get out there.

Reflection

Saw the moon walking back and I instantly and instinctively turned to find the sun, in the opposite direction. Like resonance.

See the moon and you know where the sun is. As in what we see in our lives everyday. As above, so below. As with in, so with out. As the universe, so the soul. ― Hermes Trismegistus