I was trying to figure out what was making me feel out of balance this last few weeks.

I knew something was off.

And bit by bit day by day as I took time with my feelings I began to unravel a bit more.

The closest understanding I got to was that I was triggered and my body bounced back to a certain past.

There were lots of triggers in the last 2 months. Before and during the Swiss trip and after I came back.

And everything worked together and culminated into the feelings of blockage of stagnation of difficulty

And I did clear away quite a bit of emotions each time it was difficult

Today I understood where my body spun back to

With HuaiHao getting COVID and bf abiding with his usual behavior of not lifting a finger to help and keeping with his practice of being away, I went back to all the past times when HuaiHao was not well and I was alone. Having to shoulder it all.

It was difficult because it was an accumulated pile of those emotions of anger frustration even hatred

Most of all it is being alone and having to shoulder it all

It brought me back to all of the times when I had to shoulder it all by myself

It brought me back to all of the times that I knew my mother was shouldering it all

I could not see how love of the other party – of someone who claims love you- of someone you love – can bring this immense intense loneliness helplessness frustration anger and hatred of having to shoulder it alone

Left with no choice was the thing. My mom was left with no choice and I now do not too

I did not think any amount of love can do that

I simply couldn’t reconcile this with love

My body went back directly to the times I was alone fighting it all using my only might and my all.

I was panting breathless I couldn’t speak I couldn’t eat I couldn’t digest I could breathe well

It was trauma through and through

It was—— as if the sky had come down

How can this be love? I thought and couldn’t get pass this point. I stopped.

Coming to this point this understanding made me see why I had to encounter this episode

I take it that everything is happening for me and the universe wants me to see this clearly

And I now have.

It is inevitable to be experiencing this because I have not gotten past this to understand or frame my past experiences in a way that would help me

I have not healed so to speak and so events would have it that I circle back to this to know that—- now isn’t the past.

And the fact is that ——my mom and me- we took it on, all. All the responsibilities. When we have the choice to not bear it, we actually took on the choice—— not no choice—- to eke it out

Simply because our hearts would have it this way

We did not take the easy way out but did real work of ekeing it all out with what little we had using what might and strength we had

And we better be damn proud darn proud of ourselves

For we did have choice!

We had really. And we chose with our heart and conscience this way out for ourselves. For our children.

The decision would be what our hearts would feel at peace with.

And it seemed inevitable that bf would do what he did. He had to do what he did or if not I wouldn’t be able to see that I and mom had a choice.

I can only wish that he felt at peace with his choice now in the past and in the future.

And in that I release all my feelings of anger resentment frustration pain hatred I release my body from the trauma of this all and I take back all my power.