When the spray was on the keloid

It was slightly prickly

And it dawned upon me that a prickly itch or pain is actually pleasurable

And the next question was: why was I looking for pain and creating it?

Why did I want to do with this pain or itch?

To punish myself ? To seek some form of comfort and release in this pain?

What did I do wrong to punish myself this way…？

Who inserted this paradigm into me? That if something wrong was done , you punish yourself to redeem yourself

Was this to punish myself for not keeping to the rules of having a family before signing off the ceremonial marriage ?

Do I really have to if I loved my partner who loves me in turn ?

Isn’t that a natural thing to do if both are madly in love?

Even if this was a wrong, haven’t I punished myself enough?

Must I really act so forcefully on myself? Judging myself within such tight confines of how I have been brought up ? Carelessly and mindlessly living yesteryear rules ?

Even grandma was so happy for me and no one said anything! But I ! In the end I was and have been bearing the load of this

Unwilling to let it go

This is such a lesson for me

What really am I angry with or dissatisfied with myself?

For not being perfect?

How is having a baby out of love not perfect?

And I must be crazy to be thinking this way

But my baby taught me so much. She taught me how to be a mother and to breast feed. She taught me how to cook and how to protect someone. She taught me so much more about me than anyone else

She taught me how to get in touch with me and to acknowledge myself

If anything my baby was the one who was instrumental in my evolution culminating in the person I m today

If anything , I m the work of my baby

And instead of celebrating , I erroneously and mindlessly went in the opposite direction hitting at myself for a lost cause upheld by a less than wise view

If anything, I want to apologize to my baby and to myself for holding these reins on myself

For she must have felt it too.

I forgive myself and release itself from these reins that I have been holding on to. I forgive also others who have been involved in the process in any way. I no longer need these in my life as I lovingly embrace life going forward stepping into the new.