Month: July 2022

Implant

Implant

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

It’s been a year or two since the implant started to malfunction.

It started with a pin sized hole in the gum and upping cleaning it a few times, some gum was lost, the metal of the implant was exposed and pus could be soon coming out.

I had been somewhat traumas and angered by this. I was blaming the dentist for not doing a proper job for the implant and for cleaning the pus so I lost some gum.

I went to John and he told me that everything related to the teeth and oral can be meaningful because infection goes back to the blood and brain and can affect the organs the energy the vitality and lead to things like Parkinson’s dementia

I was shaken by this.

He asked me what I want: I want the infection to go away and for the gum to heal

And he asked me to run 3 times a week

He suggested I gave myself a few months to soothe and heal this

He said that my head was very blocked and he needed me and my discipline of eating just twice a day and running to get the qi to flow

I worry about this for a while. Yesterday I headed to the dentist and he showed and explained to me what the 3d scan said

He said that there was no bone surrounding the implant and somehow at some point removal would be the way to go because with that I could let the gum heal and bone grow and the infection can stop

It’s been a few days since I ran and it’s amazing how it cleared me of the mental fog and toning me up

The infection actually slowed down with these simple healthful practice

It wasn’t that hard and I could see results

Actually more than what was said, I felt the healing was in making peace with the dentist and with myself. And the implant.

I had been agonizing over it. Vexed and frustrated by it. Angry and sore about how things turned out.

But I came to understand that no one wants anything to go wrong. And I in fact had a big part to play in anything going anyway —- I had a great part to play in any outcome I wanted.

I had explained to the dentist that my main concern was not aesthetic but in halting the infection. More than anything I m happy I came to a consensus with him that if anything I got to work hard at building my body and to change it from making infection and pus to making peace.

If anything I can—— change my body to one used to making pus and infection to one making a healthy happy peaceful state of calm and harmony

In fact I am grateful now that I have both his and John’s advice to support me on healing this.

And it suddenly dawned on me that this is a great opportunity for me to get to know another part of my body and to make it better!

And listening to Mingyur Rinpoche’s talk on Vajrayana practice made me aware that I could use the power of imagination too! Imagine the bone growing the gum healing !

I can also use affirmative words to support me. Everything that I need to heal is with me.

And I am grateful to receive these inspiring instructions. Thank you angels!

The Power of Visualization for Awakening: The Heart of Tantra with Mingyur Rinpoche

The Power of Visualization for Awakening: The Heart of Tantra with Mingyur Rinpoche

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Buddha gave 3 wheel of teaching

1)Based on four noble truths

Suffering yo be recognized

See cause of suffering

Way out of suffering

The path

2)loving kindness compassion and buddhicitta

Intention

Practice – wisdom and method

5 methods: 5 paramitas: generosity discipline patience effort meditation

3)buddha nature : enlightened goodness inherent in us: all of us are perfect

The original purity

Dharmakhaya

Pristine awareness

Clarity

Luminosity

All of us has great quality has awareness love compassion powers

We need to recognize and discover

If we have ten qualities

We always see or exaggerate the one negative qualities even if we have nine good qualities

How to experience and recognize our innate quality our pure awareness

Buddha: You all are Buddha and have enlightened nature. How to recognize this?

It is as if you have a house and the land, beneath house is a treasure. But you don’t know. You struggle to live your life.

But actually you are a v rich person

One day you met a treasure hunter and recognize that you are a rich person.

You might be surprised because you struggled to survive. All this while.

Treasure hunter says you have treasure under your house and discover with you the treasure underneath

And exchanged some for luxury

Who is richer

The person who don’t recognize he has treasure

The person who recognized he has Treaure and exchanged some for luxury house

Both same rich

Problem is he don’t recognize he has treasure

We all have treasure within ourselves

Basic innate goodness wisdom skills potential —- your true nature is Buddha but you don’t recognize or not yet discover this enlightened quality within ourselves

As we recognize more, we become more free

We create our suffering and reality based on our ignorance and the reality becomes solid and we trap ourselves with our kind speech etc

Samsara is nirvana

Suffering doesn’t exist

We are perfect

But in the reality of suffering we create we can’t go beyond time impure body speech mind environment or obscurations

How to discover our treasure our Buddha nature within ourselves

In vajrayana tradition there are three ways to discover the enlightened nature within ourselves

⁃ developmental stage : we use imagination as path. With imagination which is v powerful form shape colour ie working with body

⁃ Completion stage with concept : working with subtle body working with speech the essence is breath or energy which exist thru body. Nerves nadi or channels : things loving inside nadi is cells or essence of energy bindu. Rhythm of moving and change is prana

⁃ Path of liberation: completion without concept : 5 levels in Tergar : working directly with mind and awareness with thinking feeling habitual and essence (or true nature of ) mind

Focus on developmental stage

Using imagination

Whatever we do in our life we have to use imagination

There’s some kind of image speech sensation belief in imagination

These four constitute imagination

Olympic athletes use imagination in training

Grow muscles by imagination- imagination running

Some pple can’t raise hand, imagine can raise hand and really can raise hand

Imagination can come true and become reality! Power of imagination!!!

In developmental stage, use imagination as path

Use enlightened qualities with imagination

We all are Buddha have immeasurable wisdom skills potential compassion all with you but none of them are manifesting with the way we look and manage our problems

All problems or obscurations are temporary so don’t worry!!!!!

Maybe you don’t have wisdom skills potential compassion now but you can IMAGINE! And become Buddha like!!! What Buddha see do feel!

Look at all beings with the eyes of a Buddha , with wisdom beyond concept

Imagine white Tara – wisdom

Fake it till you make it

Use concept to go beyond concept

Actually not totally faking because at essence level you are Buddha

In practice imagine you are Tara and share the light to heal and purify all beings

When you imagine deity, it’s like moon reflection in lake is empty form

Ie emptiness but emptiness doesn’t mean nothing

Emptiness is fullness or potential

You get refuge

Real refuge is connecting with the Buddha within ourselves

Taking fruition as path ie just thinking that I m enlightened

Awareness: because without this you can’t concentrate on the deity and his qualities

The Sound Of Magic

The Sound Of Magic

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

It is interesting how I picked out dramas. They seem to deliver the things I need to keep me in perspective

Annarasumanara aka The Sound of Magic is a fantasy-music-psychological K-drama directed by Kim Seongyoon and written by Kim Minjeong. The show is based on Ha IIkwon’s webtoon of the same name, starring South Korean superstar Ji Changwook in the lead role, alongside Choi Sungeun and Hwang Inyeop.

Annarasumanara is a moving and inspiring story about growing up and being the person you want to be. It’s a beautiful message about seeking happiness through faith in one’s dreams.

Magic doesn’t create miracles

But allows you to discover them

How should we live life

A lot of adults give a lot of answers

How would an immature child answer that question?

Would that answer be wrong

Flowers don’t bloom on asphalt road but on bumpy dirt

I realised that I can’t become a magician that everyone in the world believes but I can at least become a magician for one person

You know I m going to keep trying to become a good adult that gives little miracles to people

The secrets of all that magic

If you just break out of the mould of the word destiny

There is a world just for you

Make your own fantasy

Spread your worn out hopes that you crumpled and put away

Sincerely sincerely

When I believe in myself l finally find out

That every second now is actually

Make your own melody

I went to hear your voice not anyone else

Sincerely sincerely

When I believe in myself l finally find out

That every second now is actually fantasy

33:32

Pent Up Anger (II)

Pent Up Anger (II)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I was trying to figure out what was making me feel out of balance this last few weeks.

I knew something was off.

And bit by bit day by day as I took time with my feelings I began to unravel a bit more.

The closest understanding I got to was that I was triggered and my body bounced back to a certain past.

There were lots of triggers in the last 2 months. Before and during the Swiss trip and after I came back.

And everything worked together and culminated into the feelings of blockage of stagnation of difficulty

And I did clear away quite a bit of emotions each time it was difficult

Today I understood where my body spun back to

With HuaiHao getting COVID and bf abiding with his usual behavior of not lifting a finger to help and keeping with his practice of being away, I went back to all the past times when HuaiHao was not well and I was alone. Having to shoulder it all.

It was difficult because it was an accumulated pile of those emotions of anger frustration even hatred

Most of all it is being alone and having to shoulder it all

It brought me back to all of the times when I had to shoulder it all by myself

It brought me back to all of the times that I knew my mother was shouldering it all

I could not see how love of the other party – of someone who claims love you- of someone you love – can bring this immense intense loneliness helplessness frustration anger and hatred of having to shoulder it alone

Left with no choice was the thing. My mom was left with no choice and I now do not too

I did not think any amount of love can do that

I simply couldn’t reconcile this with love

My body went back directly to the times I was alone fighting it all using my only might and my all.

I was panting breathless I couldn’t speak I couldn’t eat I couldn’t digest I could breathe well

It was trauma through and through

It was—— as if the sky had come down

How can this be love? I thought and couldn’t get pass this point. I stopped.

Coming to this point this understanding made me see why I had to encounter this episode

I take it that everything is happening for me and the universe wants me to see this clearly

And I now have.

It is inevitable to be experiencing this because I have not gotten past this to understand or frame my past experiences in a way that would help me

I have not healed so to speak and so events would have it that I circle back to this to know that—- now isn’t the past.

And the fact is that ——my mom and me- we took it on, all. All the responsibilities. When we have the choice to not bear it, we actually took on the choice—— not no choice—- to eke it out

Simply because our hearts would have it this way

We did not take the easy way out but did real work of ekeing it all out with what little we had using what might and strength we had

And we better be damn proud darn proud of ourselves

For we did have choice!

We had really. And we chose with our heart and conscience this way out for ourselves. For our children.

The decision would be what our hearts would feel at peace with.

And it seemed inevitable that bf would do what he did. He had to do what he did or if not I wouldn’t be able to see that I and mom had a choice.

I can only wish that he felt at peace with his choice now in the past and in the future.

And in that I release all my feelings of anger resentment frustration pain hatred I release my body from the trauma of this all and I take back all my power.

Walking (ix)

Walking (ix)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I was walking in the sun

Breathing in to my navel and sacral

Breathing in fresh air and releasing whatever anger pain frustration guilt shame there might be

And something wonderful came up

Be Proud Of Dad

For every time it hurt and shamed and pained me each time dad asked me for money

I suddenly- yes suddenly, know that in this persistence is an honor of a person wanting to fulfill his promise to others

If I recount properly, dad made a mistake out of ignorance and in that he promised to take responsibility and to take up payment

And payment has been for the last 20years at least – for as long as I know

This is not easy persistence or perseverance

Anyone else could have taken the easy way out to default

But my dad continued to persevere to uphold his promise and to make good his error

To right his wrong

If anything I should be very very proud of him and very very blessed and I want to tell my kids about this story of keeping a promise.

And with that line of thought, I asked the universe for help so I could dad in any little way I can to make him feel better

What If There Was Nothing To Heal

I have been thinking about this for a while. What if there is nothing to heal. If everything is happening for me and that I m guided by the divine always. And throat everything that I need is taken care of by the divine, it is about accepting and living with what I have.

And there is—- nothing to heal.

What would be I be. How different would I feel ?

Having this faith

9 Yrs 6 Mths

9 Yrs 6 Mths

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This month, Huaihao experienced COVID, he had very high fever for close to 3 days and sore throat, his face red hot and ear too. And was feeling the chills.

Administered Panadol but to no effect, once the medication subsided, the fever raged. Until Huaihao wanted to give it up and stick to essential oils. And after a capsule of thyme, oregano, frankincense, lemon and peppermint the fever got kicked away the next morning.

And he got well again, the fever, headache and sore throat, disappeared without a trace. It is now that he tested positive with a faint line.

When Huaihao got sick, the daddy did not do anything—he did not even call to ask about huaihao when the little one was down with high fever, much less talk about helping with anything else. And he explained it was because Huaihao did not do his best or heed his advice to take care of himself. I got the 2 men to the table to thrash things out and Huaihao cried to say daddy’s words hurt him.

To which the dad said, “so don’t you think it hurt me too to see you are spoiling yourself away? “

Huaihao’s getting sick was an opportunity for us all to try out something new, but that did not happen. How can we break out of this ?

Recounting the month, this was Huaihao and Qinzhi staycay-ing at Ah yi’s and grandpa’s when dad and mom went to Chiangmai, and now, writing about it feels like a long time back. Grandpa took you and Qinzhi for McDonald’s and Ya Kun and shopped for groceries and cooked you dinner.

Ah yi got 2 hoodies.

Then when we came back, we went back to walking exploring and eating

One morning, Huaihao woke up saying he has a tummy ache and refused to go to school. We ended up taking Huaihao for a walk and having vegetarian bee hoon before hitting the furniture stores, then back to redhill market for his favourite pork chop rice.

When daddy restricted the use of the computer because Huaihao was so addicted to Roblux and couldn’t stop. This was what Huaihao did, he made bow and arrows that really worked.

And he completed it with a demonstration of how to use the tools he created. And putting forward his best smile for me.

This was him reading a paragraph of chinese as agreed with his dad. And huaihao got carried like a baby to bed at bedtime. He enjoyed it, these close enough precious moments with his dad.

On this public holiday, I took the kids out for a dental appointment before heading out lunch at Ootoya. Huaihao had such an appetite he had 2 bowls of rice and more from Qinzhi’s bento set!

And this day after school, i decided to take Huaihao out for some bonding over lunch since Qinzhi is back late. I let him choose what he wanted to have and we settled at Fish & Chips

Recently, the school sent a letter to inform us that kids will be having recess in class, and they were all given a lunch box, so we agreed that mommy will prepare food for Huaihao for recess so that he eats healthily.

On another occasion we brought the kids out for Qinzhi’s invisalign first dental appointment and then had Pizza Express

But at this point in time, Huaihao is getting dishonest about the playtime he gets on the computer screen. He continues to play beyond the agreed time and gets into unhappiness with the dad who tries to levy a punishment and Huaihao continues to argue his way out being unrepentant about his wrong

Asked Huaihao for a raindrop for me and he used the Valor pen and drew this on my back

And this is Huaihao after school. He finally had his CCA going and did track and field. He ran 3 rounds around school and appeared home with this sun roasted face.

Had muscle ache and refused to school the next day. Until I presented the advantages and disadvantages before him and he finally rushed to school at 720am.

He agreed to be back on his own and wrote this nice little note.

And this is what he did for spelling. Been difficult to get him to learn spelling and when he finally did, he did

Bedtime with HuaiHao is always lovely . He spews out things that are just what I needed to hear, so much divinity in there.

He’s just come home from my nanny’s. And he said he refused pocket money given to him by my nanny.

Me: Po po wanted to give you some pocket money. So why do you not take it?

HuaiHao: She should spend it on herself , she doesn’t owe me anything. In fact I owe her something

Me: like what?

HuaiHao: she took care of me for many years so I told her 我不要你自己拿

I asked HuaiHao how I can heal the keloids

And he says just pray

With my hands in his, he prayed with me: “ dear god pls make the keloids heal faster. Thank you for your understanding and help. It’s that simple.”

On another night, we chat.

And HuaiHao said, “ papa’s love is like a secret agent. Strict . It’s like he doesn’t say but you can feel it.”

And before I headed out I asked him to pray with me.

That was a really beautiful moment

I followed him as he clasped his hands in prayer

“ dear Buddha, dear all buddhas, please bless mommy with all of your blessings for the keloids to be gone in a split second. Thank you “

On yet another , we were discussing a disagreement we had earlier on

Me: So what did you learn from this?

HuaiHao: Do I still remember it?

Me: 🤔

HuaiHao: It’s so good to sleep without a care. Why do you even want to go back?

Pent Up Anger (I)

Pent Up Anger (I)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

When the spray was on the keloid

It was slightly prickly

And it dawned upon me that a prickly itch or pain is actually pleasurable

And the next question was: why was I looking for pain and creating it?

Why did I want to do with this pain or itch?

To punish myself ? To seek some form of comfort and release in this pain?

What did I do wrong to punish myself this way…？

Who inserted this paradigm into me? That if something wrong was done , you punish yourself to redeem yourself

Was this to punish myself for not keeping to the rules of having a family before signing off the ceremonial marriage ?

Do I really have to if I loved my partner who loves me in turn ?

Isn’t that a natural thing to do if both are madly in love?

Even if this was a wrong, haven’t I punished myself enough?

Must I really act so forcefully on myself? Judging myself within such tight confines of how I have been brought up ? Carelessly and mindlessly living yesteryear rules ?

Even grandma was so happy for me and no one said anything! But I ! In the end I was and have been bearing the load of this

Unwilling to let it go

This is such a lesson for me

What really am I angry with or dissatisfied with myself?

For not being perfect?

How is having a baby out of love not perfect?

And I must be crazy to be thinking this way

But my baby taught me so much. She taught me how to be a mother and to breast feed. She taught me how to cook and how to protect someone. She taught me so much more about me than anyone else

She taught me how to get in touch with me and to acknowledge myself

If anything my baby was the one who was instrumental in my evolution culminating in the person I m today

If anything , I m the work of my baby

And instead of celebrating , I erroneously and mindlessly went in the opposite direction hitting at myself for a lost cause upheld by a less than wise view

If anything, I want to apologize to my baby and to myself for holding these reins on myself

For she must have felt it too.

I forgive myself and release itself from these reins that I have been holding on to. I forgive also others who have been involved in the process in any way. I no longer need these in my life as I lovingly embrace life going forward stepping into the new.

13 Years 5 Months

13 Years 5 Months

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Qinzhi is taller than so many of us now, the little baby born at 57 cm is now more than 1.6m . So much of life has been experienced, celebrated, cheered for in the days and moments gone by.

If each of these isn’t magic and support and love from the divinity of life, what is? And all too often, we only look for wins and the big ones to celebrate.

But really, the blessings are in the dailyness of life, of us performing our activities and heading out—-as usual. Like an ordinary day. The blessings are all in there if we wake up, breathe, eat, shit, sleep—–like normal.

June went passed rather quickly.

When Mommy and Daddy headed to Chiangmai , Qinzhi and Huaihao had bonding and a staycay at ah yi’s, grandpa brought you to McDonald’s for breakfast, to Ya Kun to have eggs and toast and ah yi’s colleague got you hoodies!

When we came back, we headed out for our walks as usual and did some exploring in chinatown.

Have always wanted to take Qinzhi to Sen-ryo because i have taken huaihao out before and now i have the opportunity to! Happy to see Qinzhi so happy! And she is pretty hooked on IG and wants to IG everything.

And this girl likes durians and has it! She asks papa to get her durians and how can papa reject this?

On another occasion, i brought biodynamic durians and Qinzhi had a great time with it. Missy is growing fast to becoming a young lady.

Being conscious of her image , she is also watchful of weight gains and what she eats or not eat. School is engaging Qinzhi on all fronts and so is peer relationship. She tends to get embroiled in peer relationships and become bothered and stressed out because of this.

On one night, Qinzhi’s account got hacked on IG and she let out a cry showing signs of fear and unsettlement. Took the chance to share with Qinzhi the etiquette of using IG and also how to keep safe in that environment.

This month, Qinzhi finally decided to Invisalign. We brought her to see Dr Yue and got a detailed explanation on her oral design. Its great to see Qinzhi wanting to do better.

Dear Qinzhi, may you be well and happy!

Pent up Anger

Pent up Anger

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

HuaiHao found himself having a sore throat and fever.

And I did what I did and bf did what he did. We circled back into the cycle and that got me really worked up.

I found myself shutting him out and off – for him saying the things he said and doing the things he used to.

I feel anger and all of those I stored up- each time the kid was not well he said the same – did the same- all of those.

I feel so pent up that I was dizzying away and I knew energies were imbalanced

Was tired out . I was almost shutting down and shutting off had it not been for the need to care for HuaiHao

I feel so blocked and uncomfortable my stomach area was not really digesting and today I woke up with my little finger numb.

If something is in pain or numb it means the circulation is bad and the flow isn’t ideal

As I walked – I just find that I needed to get out for a walk and to do some release,

And it occurred to me that pent up energies is stored there in the little finger. So I kept doing circulatory movements to get the flow

Kept breathing in and letting stale energies flow out from there

Was belching a lot

Yesterday somehow while I was itching and scratching at the keloids , it occurred to me that I had the tendency to harden and stiffen myself up each time I met with a not so ideal situation

To handle or manage a particular time, I stiffen and harden myself up clench my teeth to meet with it head on

And yes of late I realise I have been clenching my teeth a lot a lot unconsciously and I been doing my best to undo this clench

Hardening up and stiffening has been my modus operandi and my body showed that to me to wake me up in the form of the keloids the inherent spirit – because the body is a reflection of the mind!

Showing to me how I force my way out clenching my teeth tightening my jaws and body to fighting a way out

With this realization —-/I feel immensely thankful.

Thankful and full of gratitude to the divine and most of all to my body for supporting me all the while the way it did and doing the best for me

I want to change

I am willing to change

Nothing needs to be forced. No strength is needed to get things going.

I Release This Old Mode Of Living By Force, Of Driving Myself By Force, By Hardening Up Stiffening Myself Up

I choose to soften to go with the flow to breathe in to be comfortable with whatever life brings me. Because I know – everything is happening for me, everything I need is taken care of by the divine . And that I m always divinely protected guided and loved.

There is nothing I cannot do and everything is possible.

Om

We are a way for the cosmos to know itself

We are a way for the cosmos to know itself

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This is one of the most beautiful and profound things I have read of late

“When we look up, we look for ourselves. Dr. Sagan once said, “We are a way for the cosmos to know itself,” and that could not be more true. We long to understand why we’re here and to find meaning in a world where meaning is so often difficult to divine. Telescopes like this remind us that in spite of our specific challenges on Earth, the possibility of connection still exists.”

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/07/12/opinion/nasa-james-webb-space-telescope-awe.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&fbclid=IwAR2R34kjx5-ZhVnW27ehKx2fvBjtc_gecAfbaKF-jnqKWqY2bY_if87Pqbg

Too beautiful and so overwhelmed!