The swelling in the keloid erupted and i felt a release

As I was doming myself with essential oils, I asked myself : why did I choose this version of myself ?

I recalled myself being really expressive and eager to share with people my path or how I was disadvantaged. How much of hardship I had been through.

I wanted pity? Empathy? Praise?

I wanted to use my circumstances to invite pity empathy praise and perhaps some kind of a advantage for myself.

Yet when I got the so called advantages, I did not really use them for myself

For example when I got loads of food during festivals I always gave them away

When I got invited to amazing tastings by great chefs I always gave them away

As if to punish myself further

It was always for others rather than myself

I guess I locked myself —— once and again——into a situation or a position of a victim

To win a certain vantage point or carve out an image for myself in front of others

And I kept hurting myself in a way scratching myself and managing the keloids

Why did I do that?

I looked at these few years spent at home with the kids. They were precious so precious money cannot buy

At a certain point in time I remembered I wanted to heal with qinzhi . Then I was disappointed with work and what they could not give me. The freedom to express real passion and creativity had to be suppressed for business logic

And so I chose to come back to the home front

To hide from it all

And to sort things out

I started exploring myself- reiki with Stephan and then Ron and dwelled deep into my soul and my past

The keloids came at some point in time

And with these swelling and eruptions: the keloids was really trying to get my attention to GET OUT

I was excessively spending time on the past on the keloids to avoid looking at the real stuff

I look at myself now- am I happier? Did I get some kind of real joy or satisfaction living or hiding behind that keloid or that image ?

It’s a choice but now that I see—— somewhat a wrongful —— well

Nothing is a mistake so let’s just say I have devoted such a lot of time and energy checking myself out on this end

I went back to the past to see what could have caused it, I tried to inspect the emotions and feelings associated with it.

In another dome session, I continued to explore why I dealt with this theme. I remember saying that I want to heal with qinzhi

And looking back, I did

Looking back I wonder what that has been for. This exercise——did it help me? How?

For sure it did, it helped me release anything more left trapped in those memories. It helped me come to terms with the past. More. And made me discover more about myself, people around me and life. It has been a learning curve and a great one

I hid behind the keloids I did and hid my true power my true magnificence my authenticity that beingness of me

Well I really understood that I probably needed to be in the victim position in the beginning when my resources were limited. And at that time I needed to care for my family and bring food home

But I lost myself as I repeated that victims mode even if I need not have to any longer. It has become second skin to me and I was in that mode automatically. It had been a layer I had worn

But! (So much of ) times have changed, so much of circumstances have evolved and (so much of) I have evolved too.

Activities in the keloids have been so intense to wake me up!

That is—— when I still was stuck and chose to stop myself

Perhaps the most important learning through this all is to know—— move forward . Move forward and not back

I saw a post that read: talk to us about your blessings

Blessings were huge and always with me anytime and anywhere

The fact that I m here writing this is a huge huge blessing

I thank them! The keloids and my body ! I am grateful super grateful my body is forever rooting for me and taking care of me. I thank them- yes the keloids for the inspiration ! For doing their utmost to let me see that it’s time to MOVE ON

I no longer need to be that victim because the responsibilities are different now. I have stopped shouldering the burden for the family for a long long time in fact when sis and brother came out to work

And my husband has always been shouldering the responsibility for building our family

He has always been kind and magnanimous towards me and to let me pursue what I love so long as I m happy

He just wants me to be happy and is so willing to do anything so I can be myself

My family loves me to bits so how silly I have been to be in a victims mode!

And going forward ——what is the version of myself I want to see and approach

I stopped writing for a few days until this morning

I saw this:

Lee Harris:

“You are all healers in your work, whatever form your work takes. All of you possess healing energy that you often give to others. It is now time to use that energy, wherever possible, to focus on what you feel drawn to do, what your heart leads you to do. The point is to choose movement towards your heart’s desires for you are now accessing a level of heart power that carries a great intuition for what you need to do. What you want to do and your knowing is to be trusted – the knowing in your heart of your gifts, talents and abilities you want to share with the world.

You are the master of your own energy. You are the master of your heart. You know what you came here to do and the time is changing.

– From Ask the Heart… For It Knows Everything

(CHANNELED QUOTE FROM LEE’S GUIDES – THE Z’s)”

What do I want and want to do?

I have been asking myself. What is the version of myself I (want to) see?

I see myself so so happy and grateful because I m experiencing great health like never before. My body is in a state of balance and all processes are at its best

I am vitality and a picture of health, having all the energy I need to do things I love for myself and others.

I m calm peaceful and at ease and all of my decisions and thoughts come from a place of love and gratitude

Because I know and is aware

That translates to a beautiful body that is long lean and flexible. I have sun kissed skin and rosy cheeks.

My skin is beautiful and shows off the purity the peace in/of my thoughts. I m pretty beautiful , cute.

While I am at times envious of others flying around and having loads of wonderful experiences as a writer, I actually really like to stay at home. And to be (here for)/with my loved ones.

Maybe when the kids are slightly a bit older, say in one to two years time, and if a great opportunity comes along, I can and will be happy to take off again.

Until then, I will be happy to take on lovely freelance opportunities that allow me to express myself whilst I bring out another’s passion, quest and zest for life

Yes that is what my heart wants

It’s been a long while since I took a walk by myself

The weather was amazing with the constant sea breeze

along the walk, people who “hurt” me popped up

And I asked me, why did you so easily give your power away? Take it back take it all back

And I released – once again—- the people and the trauma they brought me into the air, claiming my power back at the same time

It was a good exercise

It made me aware that there was still stuff left there. They had been traumatic for me- more than I knew myself

And on the bus, I asked this question: is all healing guided by the soul?

As in, an exploration of the soul?

Yes I would think.

If all journeys were an extension of what the soul wants, it follows that healing too

I mean, I have been hanging on to the keloids for ten years

Why haven’t I healed yet?

And the answer is that my soul has chosen to in the time that has passed to explore this

How worthwhile is it? And what good has it brought me?

I think quite a lot . A while good lot of it . BUT- enough already.

Does my soul still want to go this way?

NO!

My soul wants me now to see the miracle of healing instantaneously

And the miracle magic and wonder of life. And it follows, the power and limitless possibilities i embody

So long as I m willing and choose

Yes I am willing

I m willing to change

I am willing to heal

I am willing to become the most wonderful and powerful version of myself

The version of myself that is better and better

That miraculous divine in me

And seeing that not only helps me but also helps me see the divine in others

Show me the grace the miracle the wonder

Somehow, this realization found me.

That the faster you move away the better it is

And I read this on Lin Chunyi’s page

“Each life experience we have has energy, just as everything in the universe has energy. Sometimes we hold on to the energy of an old story and live it over and again and it can keep us from moving forward.

One effortless way to release old stories to make room for new ones is through loving. Loving stories are never a burden. The stories that can repeat themselves in our emotional world and in our mind are the ones you feel are unfinished.

Often they are filled with ‘could haves’ and ‘should haves’. The energy is “I should have done this, or that.”

The other stories can be ones where you couldn’t believe that someone you thought you could trust did something that you felt hurt you. There can be energy like resentment, blame, and feeling a victim of the experience.

The wisdom here is that you can leave anything when you love it. The more you dislike or even hate something, the more bound you are to it.

Think about the stories you feel you have carried with you most of your life that you sense are holding you back from new, happier, more fulfilling stories.

Now, take the same experiences and list for each one the good you find in each story.

This will help you to change your story and change your energy, to live a more joy-filled life. “

And I put this question to myself, what did I find that was lovely?

While I appreciated that the keloids helped me discover healers like John well and even kickstarted my healing journey and is the reason why I even saw content and many like this above, I did not seem to find love for this

But this morning as I put the question to myself again, I thought I heard it

The keloids and my dwelling in them- gave me the time I needed before I could face up to what was required of me

It was my run away time

And the line was blurred between a respite I needed vs an addiction

Maybe sometimes one of the two, sometimes both

It gave me the time the space to break away before I was ready

I needed this

But now! I m clear and I can say

Let’s change. I m willing to change and to release that addiction the itch the swelling and all

I do not need this already

And I saw this

“ I release all my fears pain hurt from the past. I allow myself to change grow and step into my light. I am safe I am strong I am worthy. I am powerful beyond measure.”

And this!

“I am grateful for my courage my resilience and my deep inner strength. I release any limits and boundaries and I embrace all my potential and possibilities. Everything is unfolding in perfect timing. I trust I believe I receive.”