Spoke to W yesterday and after listening to my work as a journalist fond of asking questions , she has this to suggest.
“Why don’t you stand in front of a mirror and interview yourself? You have been asking other people questions but not yourself. Ask yourself how you feel and what you want. More.”
She says I have the capacity to feel but there are just too many “layers”. Once I remove the layers, I will be able to access this inner knowing of mine.
She also advised me to meditate or just simply inhale frankincense and ask, what do I want or what do I want to do and wait for the reply.
I asked W about the pain in the right side of my body. I told W that when I read Louise Hay, she mentioned the right as connected to masculinity so my relationship with the important men in my life. She offered another perspective- that the left side is the receiving side and the right the giving side. It’s like, “ hey you have been using me again and again and it’s not balanced .”
Wow!
Yes and I did have problems receiving and always find myself in the giving position . Sometimes even when giving is sucking out of me my energy, like how the women in my tribe gives, they give and give of themselves until they are sucked dry of their life force .
And I m certain I do not want that. So do the reverse TPY.
I love conversations like these that remind me of my inner wisdom or knowing. You just know and there is no other noise
I m envious of W and the others who have the capacity to feel and know for certain what works or what not. I want to get there and the fact is, I have—-on many counts
This morning upon awakening, I asked myself what was it in the keloids. And I heard my own reply
The first I heard, it was shame. I felt shameful of the work dad was doing. Then I heard myself say, but that was the only means he had at that point in time, and he had no choice but this to raise the family.
The next I heard was guilt —-guilt feeling this way, not understanding.
Then there is resentment and anger. Resentment and anger towards dad for choosing this means of work and resentment and anger towards myself for not understanding his predicament and lack of a better alternative. And allowing myself to feel this way.
There’s also hurt too. And those are as well his feelings of lack of choice. Probably now as I write, all those feelings above of shame guilt anger and resentment are his too.
There’s also fear, fear of letting others find out what work he was doing and who I really had for a father. Not that he committed any bad deeds or crime but just that my principles and rigidity did not see the good in his choice.
And because of all this, I was not feeling worthy deserving I was not acknowledging my value my self my preciousness. That was why I keep putting myself down and placing myself in a situation of lack of not allowing my light to shine.
Seeing this was like achieving a breakthrough.
I lovingly, joyfully, effortlessly release all of these feelings emotions patterns of feeling and consciousness that have been in me. This past this history—- I thank them for the inspiration and lessons for making me this independent tough and accomplished——- but I do not need them now.
The past is past. I do not need these set of logic system beliefs habits emotions in my present.
I release them joyfully happily !
I m free, so is dad. All is well.
I m thankful.
And I find myself so tired after this. That has been the burden on me. All lifted.
All is perfect and well. I am whole and complete.
I trust that all I need to know is revealed to me in divine order . And all that I need and want is supported by the universe. I rest in this knowing this trust.
Huaihao has grown even more in this last month, no longer a little kid, he is rounder, taller, fuller, firmer. His vocabulary improved lots spewing out words such as hypothetically, logically, don’t beat around the bush and lots of others. He gave me lots of riddles and asked me about how the Titanic sank, telling me about the third moon of Mars.
Irregardless, every friday we spend a day at grandpa’s and ah yi’s for good food. Here’s one!
At first, the kids observed how ah yi made sourdough crackers, then they started making it too. Needless to say what fun and fulfilment , plus bonding too!
Ting Xie or spelling is nothing regular when its done the Huaihao way. He adds all these cute doodles alongside the words.
Weekends are spent walking by the beach in the sun, then grocery shopping with mom. This day, Huaihao saw a rolling pin that might work for ah yi at SCOOP!
We got a reservation at Summer Pavilion and its always good there! Huaihao’s appetite has grown tremendously and he loves the XO sauce too! The fried rice is da bomb and he continues to have it at home!
On another day, we headed out and let the the kids have MOS Burger. Then grocery as usual and here’s Huaihao picking out a watermelon.
On another evening, we had dinner at Blu Kouzina—greek and then walked back o the beach barefooted in dusk
I love how Huaihao always teases me and makes me feel happy. Recently he asked for spaghetti and would dream up his own pairings such as a runny egg with seaweed toppings or ebikho! Palate is good!
And here is one goodnight hug which the boy needs.
To address how his eyes twitches due to excessive iPad use, Huaihao stops every 30min (when dad is around) and looks out far for 15min. This really did help him lots!
Before the school holiday ended, Huaihao wanted sushi and we headed out for dinner
We took the opportunity to shop for a present for grandpa and got him a replacement water bottle. We are celebrating Gengyan jiujiu’s birthday too and the kids couldn’t find anything suitable. Then Huaihao asked dad: “what does a man need?” Hilarious when mommy heard this!
Then they wrapped up the present!
And we had an Israeli dinner
before the staycay with ah mei ah yi starts,
Bedtime with HuaiHao
And I asked him how he felt seeing me at the school gate waving ferociously at him welcoming him ? And he said, “ you are the brightest star in the night sky. I can see only you.”
I was like—- wow.
But what he said was the truth. I could see only him too.
He asked me a riddle. And told me he thought of it himself.
“A captain was on a ship and he said hi. What was the name of the ship? ”
And he said, “ What”
Haha.
Then he asked what if we could turn back time. Can we?
I asked where he wanted to go. And he said, “ Redhill because I grew up there. I kissed the floor you know.”
He did that beautifully when we were moving out
And if I felt cold, HuaiHao would get up and tuck me in bed, the way he did it, he would tuck the blanket below my body and it reminded me of the way the kids’ dad did it for my mom.
It was a great opportunity to release the pain or at least, the discomfort I felt in my chest. It took me a few days to get that kink sorted out, but now when Huaihao tucked me in, I made the effort to tell myself, Mom must have been happy to feel the care and that is a past long gone. So many things have changed and we have moved. And now I m not Mommy, and this is my son showing his love and care for me. Thankful for the opportunity to release this.
This month Qinzhi did something really new and that was to go out alone with her friends. While we have our concerns such as how would she navigate the public without us—- she has never left our care—— but I am reminded that if she belongs to the same soul set as me, my mother, she is equally if not more capable and all she needed is trust and opportunities to realize —- our trust and her own.
It feels great to connect this way to my inner wisdom
On weekends, we try to get the kids to get some walking in the sun
This week at ah Mei ah yi’s , the kids had a go at making sourdough crackers using discard. And what fun they had!
And it happened that ah yi scored a reservation at Summer Pavilion and we had a chance to eat there!
And qinzhi has been using the phone quite a bit of late and so much that she’s admitting that she’s having difficulty stopping
One evening during the March holidays, we headed out to Siglap and had dinner. Then we walked home by the beach and planted our feet in the waters
One day, HuaiHao had the spur of an idea for me to cook a runny egg on spaghetti. The result turned out great and the kids loved this!
Before the holidays ended, we went out for a meal of sushi as the kids wanted
We took the opportunity to shop for grandpa’s presents as the kids would have liked. They chose the present – a water bottle and wrapped it before making a card and qinzhi said she would be secretly putting the present in grandpa’s bedroom at midnight
The kids also made a card for gengyan jiujiu
And we took the kids out for an Israeli dinner to mark the end of school holidays
And headed off to Ah mei Ah yi’s for a staycay
I am reminded that this seemingly ordinariness of life, is not at all ordinary but a collection and an infusion of blessings and divine love.
I am thankful and so blessed. I love, approve and accept myself and all around me. I understand that this is all perfect and in the highest good in this point in time and that I m a powerful creator capable of designing my own experiences.
When its time, the hub, or bf comes along with me.
I had wanted Ron to coach the family unit on emotional intelligence, but he proposed that us as a couple come in first, the reason was that kids these days are so evolved and it wouldn’t take them long to see things.
But we as parents, might not be armed with adequate tools to support them.
Thankfully the hub or bf is open to this session.
I left it to the divine when I suggested this, I really just left it with the divine and spent no effort contesting this in any way.
He said yes.
Need I experiment anymore with manifestation? . And the idea was to hold the the thought so light. So light And leave it to up there.
And it came real fast.
We were in Ron’s office yesterday. And he explained to the hub what why and how.
We started with this powerful exercise, Ron asked me to vent my frustrations while getting the hub to hold the space at a certain frequency.
Amazingly, I found some difficulty at complaining as he moved down the list.
We did the experiment in reverse and it worked too. He just couldnt complain once I started to be in the higher mode of being.
And this made me understand that at a higher state of frequency, things which used to exist simply didn’t anymore. They simply cant (manifest) at a certain level up high.
Unless you bring yourself back to the low which the original problem exist.
This is really powerful learning.
“When you level up, your boss cannot even come near you. Problems cant come near. They simply don’t exist because you are at such a high.”
And can we theoretically hold ourselves at a continuous high?
“You got my answer right. For us to maintain equilibrium, just love your wife, your children. It is just like that, so how difficult is it? The thing is when you cut yourself off from them, you don’t feel empowered because you no longer stay in the frequency of love, or in the unlimited resources of we and everything spirals down. Stay in the connection with your wife both level up and that can hold the space for the kids for the family”
The beauty is that he managed to open up further and went on to sort out stories about his beliefs on money and how those beliefs have been wrongfully tied to events that have happened to him as a child.
He could see why he turned out the way he did and that all these belonged not to him!
More so, he could now see why he was so frustrated each time Huaihao cried or triggered him. And he could see that this all had nothing to do with Huaihao or the kids but all the limiting beliefs and stories he carried on himself and the child is just lighting the path for him.
And I asked Ron if guilt and shame has some place in my body in my body
And we set out to find.
And if you want to find, you will, for this is what the universe and living is. IF you ask for it, you will be given.
But writing this way made me see that I was the one who kept wanting to find old and not new. I kept going back, revisiting the old, locking myself in that kind of vibration and frequency and energy and now I know it is because I identified with pain for the longest time.
The pain worry fear shame guilt and whatever negativity it brought made me who I am and propelled me this far.
So without them, who is TPY?
So I was the greatest architect of my reality.
So this is how it went, with Ron holding space for me.
I recalled a scene in my old home where my maid was throwing a tantrum on the floor and mom was trying desperately to contain her and manage her. I was looking on as a little girl of about 7 or 8 years old.
My helper would periodically throw fits and have these emotional breakdowns so much she would be fussing on the floor. Probably due to some things that happened at home. Mom would be managing her in the kitchen but also at her wits end.
And now in this exercise, I saw for myself the meaning of resonance.
I started with everything I m alone and I scratch. Why because I was feeling blank and empty. And it feels like a don’t know what to do, no purpose helpless powerless feeling, and also, a need to try and find out something. The head just feels blank and it doesn’t feel accomplished. Silly and stupid.
And that was what the maid felt.
She had issues at home and she was at a complete blank and feeling helpless and don’t know what to do.
The thing is that Mom actually felt this too.
Mom also felt these feelings of unaccomplishment and helplessness and even though she is desperately trying to find out a way, the head is blank
I recall her scolding the maid words like silly or stupid too, she even , in desperation to wake up the maid to her senses, had to slap at her thighs and legs
Mom was having a bad time. Her insecurities went out at the maid.
So both mom and maid were in that same theme and resonated. Both had an emotional breakdown
And for me the little girl in that space looking on….I didn’t want to be in that situation of having to be helpless, powerless, blank state of don’t know what to do and feeling unaccomplished. I actually took that shit.
My helper Jenny was someone I picked out a an album at a maid agency. She was the first helper we had and stayed the longest and we were like family. I remember dad proudly proclaiming how I picked her out of an album.
And I actually felt guilty of that.
And I was scratching to want to get out of this blank helpless situation badly.
I associated blank wrongfully! With the connotations of powerless helpless unaccomplishment, lack of purpose, not wanting mom to see me stupid.
SO I work so hard pushing myself, I cannot allow myself to fail. I ace I m at the top but after accomplishing so much, I do not really feel fulfilled.
It made me see why I was uncomfortable with not doing, or doing nothing.
It made me see why I was so uncomfortable with letting go or at the other end, why I needed so much to be in control.
But these are all stories I lived my life with and for. And spent a good 40 years on them.
Is it not enough?
Coming to this point made me see how powerful this session or exercise is. I started out wanting to find if guilt had a part to play with my scratching. I didn’t imagine it could be this ISE—initial sensitising event.
And the powerful thing is, Qinzhi and I had an incident with a passerby just a few days back. She was carrying stuff for me and headed straight towards an uncle seated on a stool with some hangers on the floor and coincidentally, another uncle carrying stuff came by. Both collided briefly. And that uncle came ranting at Qinzhi who froze and didn’t know what to say. She was blanked out. And now I understand why Qinzhi always freezes and blanks out when something comes sharply at her, out of the blue.
The incident stuck with me, just like how my maid throwing tantrums stuck with me. I just couldn’t say why. But now now now!
Ron pointed out it is important to heal 3 people in that situation. First, the little me.
“Talk to that little girl and let her know, its really not her fault. If not for her picking out this maid, she wouldn’t find employment and be struggling with money issues back home. Give her a hug and assure her that this really is a clash of resonance and events where all that needed to align aligned.”
“You see. The maid was caught in a situation of not knowing what to do. She couldn’t go home but she did her best too and don’t know what else she could do here. Mommy too. She used whatever little resource she had to get the maid here to help, but the maid gave problems. And she couldn’t send her back, and is torn between keeping her here too. She felt blank too!
So go to Mommy! What would you tell her? “
I said to leave this to dad to settle and in essence she needn’t shoulder everything alone.
So i went for a hug at mom to soothe her and to let her know that everything’s okay.
“Now the maid.”
I went to Jenny and said my apologies. I feel sorry that things panned out this way, but really that there is a way out and she can tell us about her problems and we can chip in and help together as much we can. She does not have to feel helpless at all and we actually love and value her a lot! She’s like family and we wouldn’t want to see her in pain!
And to mom too. Need not feel helpless or blanked out, or that stressed out. Have faith in the husband you picked and whom loves you so, give her the room and the chance to sort, most of all, have faith in your intelligence and wisdom. Above all, have faith in the divine and let loose of control.
I felt happy writing this way. I see the three soothed, comforted, relieved, burdens pressing on heart and shoulders gone, and reunited and powerful.
I know there is closure and I can hold my head and move on.
The key is this, that when I heal myself, I heal mom and I heal Qinzhi and the whole line of women.
At some point, I understand that my mom also had a part to play in my dad’s fortunes, because she was shouldering so much and was carrying this strong idea of abandonment and disbelief in and with love. That the men in the tribe were not living up to it not levelling up to times. Its like no matter what the husband does, its not enough. If she had not identified so much with brokenness. If she had placed more positivity and confidence in letting the man handle, things might have been different. If she didn’t believe so much that he didn’t know what to do, can not do, she wouldn’t have created hers and dad’s realities.
And I see again how and why I need to be in control so. They are mom’s mode not mine. I am not that that. Look at the way I soothed them, to let go to share to find opportunities and power in us, we. Not being alone.
I see again how I kept identifying myself with brokenness. Keeping myself in that place.
In life and all these years, I was not me, I only habitually practised and got better at reigning and holding helm. I lived under a spell of stories, so drop those already. Just drop them! Allow things to play it out! Relax with the flow.
” If you set expectations too much, you cannot flow. You need to step back to be shown the grandeur. Understand the sacredness, when you understand how small you are, and it is this sacredness that exposes the infinite possibilities of healing.
It almost like when he pulls, you need to let go. Surrender and allow the process. Expand on your capacity so you can hold. Allowing your capacity to build in allowing. As in reiki, you are in a miraculous position where miracles are happening as an observer. You become a conduit of magnificence and love and the beauty is you are part of it.”
As how life panned out, I have become such a strong woman and accomplished so much for myself and my family.
It is really time to start living out TPY. And I am excited and thankful, so thankful for this blessing this opportunity!
Life is abundant, magic and sacred. And we are here at this time. Let’s all do our part to be ourselves, just unreservedly ourselves. And the world definitely becomes a better place.
As Ron advised, start a new relationship with your body.
“Dear body, I m sorry I hurt you and did not take good care of you. Thank you for loving me and supporting me all this while, and I love you my body! Thank you and we need not create inflammation nor keloids or anything like this. We can create joy, happiness, euphoria, peace, love, ease! We can awe can and we will love each other for a very long time!”
And so it is!
And this is why in the past I have been shy about my body, about my scars, and couldn’t really enjoy or surrender in times of intimacy.
A Ron puts it, “Feel light about life. So light about life. This ease comes from the understanding that everything that is out there is already in the highest good.”
Its magic when you go to bed at night and feel so light you kick under the blanket sheets and smile to sleep. Its magic when you see how life or the divine loves you and you are soaking it all up. I used to feel that I m not worthy, don’t deserve it, but now, but now! Lap it all! Soak it up. And bask in that glory and take it further better and share it with more people!
When I had these feelings of gratitude, wonder, I know anyone else can own these feelings too. The magic is already in them in their lives, if only—– they see it.
As Ron asked for it, I did a testimonial, somewhat summing up all these beautiful amazing experiences I have, sorting out myself in his presence.
“Unbeknownst to us, the love we have been so wanting, that truth we have been in so seeking, is often with us, in us.
On my journey of seeking, I had the honour of having RonWu with me.
My sessions with Ron are nothing short of, but always magic.
It is always a wonder to see RonWu at work, fishing out and digging out with me, and ——-for me, bits and pieces of truths I have missed.
If anything, I feel blessed , so very blessed and happy like a child, that I get these opportunities this privilege to have him hold the space for me as I put in effort and go deeper at myself.
What I love really, is how he crushes at my self imposed limitations and lay out truths before me.
“够了吗？ （Enough already）”
There is no (more) excuse other than —— open up.
Each session holds the promise of making peace with a certain past, people, myself.
I get to play an active role (re)designing myself and I get closer to becoming a better version of myself.
Better because I feel the shine in my eyes.
I get to savour the very very richness of now.
And I am delirious with joy because I get to see snapshots of this magnificence called life and revel in it.
If this is not magic, then—— what?”
And again, if anyone needs this, if anyone,at anytime needs a shot at ———reclaiming, reframing, redesigning, remapping, reworking the self.
Yellownblac's II Weblog 