Bf came over to hug and kiss me before he went off to work.

And the Forest Escentials scents—- whichever he used, stayed on.

Huaihao was the first to notice. He says, “ it’s not mommy I m smelling now, it’s papa.”

I have asked him before what the mommy smell is like—- and we both align that we can describe it as baby milky and slightly powdery. These words echo a memory we have been locked into at one point in time.

Back to the lingering scent. It’s very floral and pollen-powdery if you know what I mean. Very feminine.

So I was so taken I had to WhatsApp bf and say, “Actually I find the scents of the products you use too pollen and powdery. Too feminine and doesn’t really suit you 🤔it’s too powdery even for me! Very floral.”

“Come to think of it!The very first Dior perfume you got me was very floral and extremely feminine. And it’s definitely not me. Maybe intuitively you knew I was too strong and trying to tell me to soften. But over the years I only got further from being a vulnerable girl. And up till now I havent grown into being that lady.

Help me relax / grow into my place . Nothing more nothing less.

And I m trying to recall the perfume you used to wear. Although not as natural as forest essentials, it suits you way better.”

Then the thought that arose in my mind was, “ suit who?”

Am I not imposing on him? why am I telling him what yes and what not?

Another thing, it dawned on me that the scents he use is for me , to work on me because I needed them.

Was there somewhere we read that our spouse mirror us ? Reflect us?

So all along I just felt like——out of place with these floral scents, not just on him but anything really floral like the jasmine, ylang ylang, the lily —— are too much for me.

They were so feminine and so strong in that way. In contrast, I like woody scents so much more like Idaho blue spruce cypress. They were always magical and took you to a space inside.

The recent healing sessions by RonWu brought me to the understanding that I have always wanted to be a boy and so has my mother.

In the post war days in Singapore, it would be common for every family to want a boy to carry on the family line. My grandmother wanted one to get the love she needed from her husband. But she couldn’t care any until she adopted a few children and had my mother.

My mother probably got this from her mother , and wanted to be a boy.

But mommy married into a huge tribe and she encountered the pressure of having to bear sons for her husband because every family of my dad’s brothers have one. She (felt she) needed a boy to shut people’s mouths, to stop all comparisons and thought that having a boy could at least raise or secure her a certain status the other sister-in-laws had

Writing this way made me see how u worthy my mom thought of herself. And that she probably felt she’s at a lower status, and she was undeserving.

Although my mom finally bore a son, it was 8 years after I was born.

And I had soaked these ups already. Downloaded all the feelings of hers.

I wanted to be a boy so that I could stand up for mom in this tribe of others, protecting her against comparisons and securing the status she so wanted.

So I always was an overachiever even if I am a girl. I wanted to do so well in exams I would beat my boy and girl cousins so mom could be proud of me.

And I man-up even more after Mom passed on to build my own family. I was literally like providing for my family.

I didn’t know how and what it means to be a girl. I have short hair and don’t do girly things like mani pedicures not facials etc

I didn’t know how to be vulnerable and weak I didn’t know how to ask for help and directly

And so i paused when I asked my husband to help me relax / grow into my place.

It was difficult to say that. To acknowledge I need a hug. To be on the weaker end.

But I sent it after that little pause after all.

Like an opening up of sorts.

And a loosening and letting go of sorts —- in those brief moments

Writing this way made me see that the intentions were all wrong starting from grandmother, she wanted love so much she misplaced it in the notion of bearing a son. And my mom took it on, she wanting to be a boy so much she thought she would be able to do wonders and life might have been different had she been a boy

And these flowed into my life in a certain point in time. I took them on and played them out—- these false realities and stories and lived my life —- 43 years of it this way.

RonWu said I was chasing a dream that was impossible and it’s time for me to come back to my place

In doing so, my husband can come back to love me as a wife, my father could go back to loving me as his princess , my siblings can love me as a sister, my kids can return to loving me as mommy and I can be me

And he pointed out to me the urgency that of bringing this to a closure with my father, who is a pure simple man with the sole purpose of loving my mother and his children. The same with my husband, as with my brother.

Same soul set we are.

Most importantly in me coming back to my place as a girl, my children will not have to carry on any story me my mom or generations of woman above me have. This line of ancestors would heal when I heal and my children would be free

What kind of a realization and revelation is that? You ask?

And it is because I am ready and in tuned to receive. And it is because I have shifted . And it is because love is and always have been around me with me in me. But I have blocked them out living out and taking real those falsehoods of reality. My mom and grandmother’s reality. They probably picked these stories up somewhere sometime.

But they didn’t have the chance to pry and to break out of these stories. Instead, they lived their life out perpetuating these misplaced notions and eventually misplaced themselves , living life to the fullest but also, totally out of life and abundance.

And writing this way made me see how blessed and how abundant I am and can be even more so!

And writing this way made me see why they say, the scents you do not like are the very ones you need.

I thank the universe for sending me RonWu- he helped me identify and fish out the deepest tenets and thoughts I hinged on.

I wish anyone reading this lots of love and light.