Huaihao has grown significantly in the last quarter ! always tell him I cant believe my baby who is just 2.3kg at birth is now such a big boy!
And he loves Lego to bits and of late, Roblux. I chide him for not drawing and here is his version
On weekends, we have been missing our usual walks and brunches due to chinese new year and birthday celebrations and the kids make an excuse to skip. But I cant wait to go back to this. This day we had a walk and then headed to Decathlon, where the kids had fun monkeying around
And before we knew, Chinese New Year approached. This is Huaihao’s first time celebrating at Ngee Ann
And Chinese New Year Eve is all about feasting and reunion . This is our first year at Marine Terrace and everyone came over for dinner. The kids played with Gengyan jiujiu to finish up food and Huaihao and Qinzhi had their first taste of goose web and braised dried oyster
On the first day of Chinese New Year we headed to ah hui ah yi’s where we had popiah, steamboat, curry and ngoh hiang.
But before that, its the kids doing their customary bai nian to us parents, then grandpa and ah mei ah yi and gengyan jiujiu and karyn
Then as soon as Chinese New year came, it left and we looked forward to Qinzhi’s birthday. And this is Huaihao’s handmade card to Qinzhi
Huaihao is lazy when it came to learning spelling. This weekend I had him in fits when I worked with him on chinese spelling. He was upset and cried , and i could see his emotions literally choking him. He said he had chest pain afterwards and I soothed him slightly. Went for a shower and came back to this, complete with doodling! How cute!
One night at bedtime, I asked Huaihao,”Am I more like boy or girl?”
To which HuaiHao replied: “half half, you are like girl the way you dress but otherwise the way you act is like boy.”
I probed, “Is it like when I carry everything myself, always push for the highest standards, everything also do myself?”
Huaihao: “exactly”
I asked again, “So am I more like girl or boy?”
Huaihao: “you are more like mommy and that’s all that matters”
Huaihao is so good with words saying by that he is a wordsmith is even not reflective of what he actually is.
One other day I rushed back and got Huaihao at his school. And he says, “You are boiling with happiness”
Another day at dinner and I asked if he would like some XO sauce with his noodle and he said. “ XO sauce is combustible in my mouth.”
I wish you love Huaihao, and light of course. There is nothing you cannot do, as a powerful creator!
Qinzhi said she cant believe she is going to be 13 in a matter of days and asked if I could? I tried for a second and said, not really. In my mind, I saw her just out of my tummy, Dr Soon just got her and the nurse placed her me and she started to suckle.
It was the first time I felt life-force coming out of a baby, so strong. It saved me from whatever I was in and gave me the strength each time I needed.
This afternoon I asked Qinzhi for some help. And she replied, “say something to your awesomely spectacular and super guai daughter”
I took the opportunity to say , “I love you to the ends of the universe and beyond eternity”
And I felt I have gone there and back.
That said, February got the kids all happy and excited because it is Chinese New Year. We bought some new clothes, cleaned the house and prepared the tidbit box. And Qinzhi had it all done so nicely. She helped me with the oranges too.
And before we knew, the even of Chinese New Year is upon us. Its the first time she is celebrating it in her new school with her new friends.
And we had our closest most precious come over for the Reunion Dinner.
When we had leftovers, Gengyan jiujiu played with Qinzhi and Huaihao scissors paper stone, whoever lost would have to pick up the leftover food. And this is the first time Qinzhi tried braised goose feet and oysters.
And before we knew it, we are in the Year of the Tiger. Qinzhi and Huaihao wished us Happy New Year with oranges in hand. And Daddy always placed angbaos below the kids’ pillows and they would have fun and joy picking out angbaos when they awake.
Then we headed to grandpa’s and ah hui ah yi’s where we had popiah and ngoh heong, curry and steamboat.
We continued visiting on the second day of Chinese New Year and Gengyan jiujiu and Karyn jiejie prepared the same clothes for all to wear. And Qinzhi is so grown up she’s a lady now.
The biggest thing I learned in the last 2 months was that qinzhi me my mom and my grandmother and the lines of womenfolk up, we all belong to the same soul set. Which is to say, they are all me and I m all them. I m mommy and grandma and qinzhi
And so if I healed, all the women in the line healed.
And if I did not know how qinzhi would think, I could just ask how I thought. If I didn’t know how I felt, I could just rephrase the question and asked how would qinzhi feel or say.
That is how much we are alike.
And on the even of qinzhi ‘s birthday, I went shopping for steamboat items
Then headed home to prepare dinner and to wrap up qinzhi ‘s present
And daddy did too. He heard about qinzhi having to deal with stomach cramps during her period and went on to get this gift of an electric heat pad
Got Qinzhi a Le Matin strawberry shortcake composed of really beautiful layers but we were all baffled when it comes to eating this ! Most importantly, we had everyone dear to Qinzhi celebrating and singing her a birthday song
Then we headed o Marine Crescent and had steamboat. Gengyan jiujiu helped order a strawberry shortcake from Ami patisserie and collected it. The chef presented us with another burnt cheesecake with truffle !
And his is Qinzhi blessed by grandpa and all of us!
We headed home late and then Qinzhi had more presents to open up!
Happy birthday princess ! Continue to believe in yourself your dreams and your power. There is nothing you cannot do.
Bf came over to hug and kiss me before he went off to work.
And the Forest Escentials scents—- whichever he used, stayed on.
Huaihao was the first to notice. He says, “ it’s not mommy I m smelling now, it’s papa.”
I have asked him before what the mommy smell is like—- and we both align that we can describe it as baby milky and slightly powdery. These words echo a memory we have been locked into at one point in time.
Back to the lingering scent. It’s very floral and pollen-powdery if you know what I mean. Very feminine.
So I was so taken I had to WhatsApp bf and say, “Actually I find the scents of the products you use too pollen and powdery. Too feminine and doesn’t really suit you 🤔it’s too powdery even for me! Very floral.”
“Come to think of it!The very first Dior perfume you got me was very floral and extremely feminine. And it’s definitely not me. Maybe intuitively you knew I was too strong and trying to tell me to soften. But over the years I only got further from being a vulnerable girl. And up till now I havent grown into being that lady.
Help me relax / grow into my place . Nothing more nothing less.
And I m trying to recall the perfume you used to wear. Although not as natural as forest essentials, it suits you way better.”
Then the thought that arose in my mind was, “ suit who?”
Am I not imposing on him? why am I telling him what yes and what not?
Another thing, it dawned on me that the scents he use is for me , to work on me because I needed them.
Was there somewhere we read that our spouse mirror us ? Reflect us?
So all along I just felt like——out of place with these floral scents, not just on him but anything really floral like the jasmine, ylang ylang, the lily —— are too much for me.
They were so feminine and so strong in that way. In contrast, I like woody scents so much more like Idaho blue spruce cypress. They were always magical and took you to a space inside.
The recent healing sessions by RonWu brought me to the understanding that I have always wanted to be a boy and so has my mother.
In the post war days in Singapore, it would be common for every family to want a boy to carry on the family line. My grandmother wanted one to get the love she needed from her husband. But she couldn’t care any until she adopted a few children and had my mother.
My mother probably got this from her mother , and wanted to be a boy.
But mommy married into a huge tribe and she encountered the pressure of having to bear sons for her husband because every family of my dad’s brothers have one. She (felt she) needed a boy to shut people’s mouths, to stop all comparisons and thought that having a boy could at least raise or secure her a certain status the other sister-in-laws had
Writing this way made me see how u worthy my mom thought of herself. And that she probably felt she’s at a lower status, and she was undeserving.
Although my mom finally bore a son, it was 8 years after I was born.
And I had soaked these ups already. Downloaded all the feelings of hers.
I wanted to be a boy so that I could stand up for mom in this tribe of others, protecting her against comparisons and securing the status she so wanted.
So I always was an overachiever even if I am a girl. I wanted to do so well in exams I would beat my boy and girl cousins so mom could be proud of me.
And I man-up even more after Mom passed on to build my own family. I was literally like providing for my family.
I didn’t know how and what it means to be a girl. I have short hair and don’t do girly things like mani pedicures not facials etc
I didn’t know how to be vulnerable and weak I didn’t know how to ask for help and directly
And so i paused when I asked my husband to help me relax / grow into my place.
It was difficult to say that. To acknowledge I need a hug. To be on the weaker end.
But I sent it after that little pause after all.
Like an opening up of sorts.
And a loosening and letting go of sorts —- in those brief moments
Writing this way made me see that the intentions were all wrong starting from grandmother, she wanted love so much she misplaced it in the notion of bearing a son. And my mom took it on, she wanting to be a boy so much she thought she would be able to do wonders and life might have been different had she been a boy
And these flowed into my life in a certain point in time. I took them on and played them out—- these false realities and stories and lived my life —- 43 years of it this way.
RonWu said I was chasing a dream that was impossible and it’s time for me to come back to my place
In doing so, my husband can come back to love me as a wife, my father could go back to loving me as his princess , my siblings can love me as a sister, my kids can return to loving me as mommy and I can be me
And he pointed out to me the urgency that of bringing this to a closure with my father, who is a pure simple man with the sole purpose of loving my mother and his children. The same with my husband, as with my brother.
Same soul set we are.
Most importantly in me coming back to my place as a girl, my children will not have to carry on any story me my mom or generations of woman above me have. This line of ancestors would heal when I heal and my children would be free
What kind of a realization and revelation is that? You ask?
And it is because I am ready and in tuned to receive. And it is because I have shifted . And it is because love is and always have been around me with me in me. But I have blocked them out living out and taking real those falsehoods of reality. My mom and grandmother’s reality. They probably picked these stories up somewhere sometime.
But they didn’t have the chance to pry and to break out of these stories. Instead, they lived their life out perpetuating these misplaced notions and eventually misplaced themselves , living life to the fullest but also, totally out of life and abundance.
And writing this way made me see how blessed and how abundant I am and can be even more so!
And writing this way made me see why they say, the scents you do not like are the very ones you need.
I thank the universe for sending me RonWu- he helped me identify and fish out the deepest tenets and thoughts I hinged on.
I wish anyone reading this lots of love and light.
“Returning to his hometown in Ehime, Masanobu began to perfect his unique, natural farming method of “no cultivation, no chemical fertilizer, and no weeding,” confronting nature through farming.”
Because we are so distanced from nature, how or what are we to add or act at will?
Yellownblac's II Weblog 