It’s been a while after the first sinovac jab and I m back running .
And the message that came through: what if, there’s nothing to heal?
Can we entertain this thought?
What if there are no keloids no cyst no inflammation no pus no fear no shame no guilt. How would I be running?
And I picked up speed and ran.
Like the way they ran in movies. Legs high I the air.
Then I forgot my phone password and remembered and saw this quote: live , as if you are already there.
Daddy’s mentor Glenn Lim organised a family camp and we took part. Nothing is coincidence as I know it, when I arrived I intended that this 3d2n session be truly transformative and healing for us.
Guess what?
It worked exactly the way I intended.
This was us heading over.
The first night there was an ice breaker session for the 5 families, after which the kids had a session with the mentors and wrote parents letters from their heart. This was what Qinzhi and Huaihao wrote, So daddy had been angry for a few days, and “stayed in his cave”, so Qinzhi was inspired to write this. After the camp, we had a dinner and sat down to chat, she said she wrote it because she wanted her dad to know the “pain we are going through, its like I m swearing inside me, if you are upset just say, why must you just keep quiet? “
And Huaihao added, “if you want to be out, you have to tell us where you are going so that we will not worry”
We also explored the 5 love languages
Day 2 was a games day. Families went back to kampung or village times and played games like 5 stones, pick up sticks, we folded paper aeroplanes and flew them, played zero point (challenged heights held by a rubber band rope) and used our legs to kick a featherpult
The last day, Glenn set the tone by first telling us about his rebellious youth and how he, who came from a broken family realised and found himself. For his life that has gone bad, his words were that, “i did not blame my family because life is like that, its messy”
Out of prison, he healed his family relationships. And went on to take a new life exploring psychology and psychosocial behaviour. He said he was glad to be able to tell his father that he love him and made up before his father passed on.
He next showed 2 videos, one of which is this, the semi-final of the Men’s 400 metres sprint where British Olympian Derek Redmond tore his hamstring and still finished the race limping while the crowd in the stadium gave him a standing ovation. Although Great Britains Redmond was disqualified and listed as “Did Not Finish” due to the outside assistance of his father finishing the race, this very inspirational race has become a well-remembered and inspirational moment in Olympic history – !
The world over, in headlines reported how he finished the race with his father
I was totally in tears—-because his father was with him. I thought of mine.
Glenn wanted to show that the kids had their internal struggles and it was important for parents to be with them.
Next he showed a video speaking of a parent’s hidden struggles, that of a little girl whose father lied to her https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9kqjsH–do
The girl thought the world about her father, but realised that the father lied about having enough, having money, lied about his other life of struggling with work to make ends meet to make her happy. The last sentence was “my father lied because of me”
Seeing this made me break down.
It made me think of mine, yes my father lied to me too, and in a way, it was because of me, too. And those few moments of light and clarity made me know that this camp had turned out exactly the way I intended.
Then it was the kids turn to present and read to us what they wrote, Qinzhi broke down reading the first sentence. And it made me tear too. Those few moments, I could feel that she was thankful for me and what a journey we had gone through.
Qinzhi and Huaihao made me a better person than I was before I had them. And having them in my life, these teachers—I had never thought of them as little but as my equal all along—being a parent made me a better child.
In fact, bf had wanted me to see Glenn because he felt that I had to settle and heal the parts I have yet to so that I can be truly myself.
I think the 2 commercials and his sharing delivered the divine’s message to me.
After the camp when we had dinner and spoke to the kids about these 2 commercials, Huaihao and Qinzhi said this, “the daddy is a good and bad daddy because he lied”
I explained that no parents would want to lie to their precious kids . In the commercial, the daddy as well, he didn’t want the kid to worry and to have a happy childhood, that was why he shouldered the tough life. He did it all for his child he held so dear.
And Qinzhi and Huaihao added, “but I rather he said it as it is and be honest about it,”
Because that is what a family does-to be together.
And I remember very well. I said the exact same words to Mr Ng too about dad when left us. I said to Mr Ng too, that we could have gone through it all together as a family, and he needn’t hide from us–his family.
Huaihao was me and I was Huaihao, we echoed the same thoughts. And this video was powerful to show me that my dad lied to me, because of me. That was the point of difference. For me. Because of me. And how can I still, have the heart of blame?
It was as if—the muddy cleared up in a split second and all the anguish pain suffering frustration hate anger —–was blown off.
In that sense, this camp has been doing the work for me. Truly thankful. Utmost thankful.
24 Nov was a very special day for Qinzhi , I accompanied her to collect her PSLE results , got excited with her and cried with her—in joy.
Qinzhi asked that she can just enter the Normal academic stream and she worked just enough to arrive at that and the result was just that she asked.
While she went to her classroom to collect her results, I was seated at the classroom directly below hers, and asked to sit at a certain seat because, the teacher said, Qinzhi is seated at the same spot upstairs. I couldnt really concentrate on what the teachers were saying, I was feeling excited and wondered if Qinzhi felt the same upstairs.
Qinzhi’s chinese teacher qiu laoshi specially popped over to see the kids and I had an inkling i knew her. She confirmed that we were in the same secondary school , what a coincidence. Qiu laoshi is a teacher who helped qinzhi alot.
And when she came to me, she came to me crying and my tears naturally followed her. That is how close how bonded we are as mother and daughter. My tears just flowed when I saw her, I followed her emotionally, it reminded me of the time when i was a teenager and lost in love, i cried at the dinner table and mommy cried just seeing me cry.
Seeing Qinzhi and tearing with her, made me see how she would be following me emotionally, it meant that if I felt something, Qinzhi, the perceptive Qinzhi, felt it too. And it made me see how much i followed my mother-emotionally. It reinforced what I realised in my self reiki session this morning-that I have unwittingly, consciously and unconsciously taken on my mother’s emotions and trying to be responsible for them. But they are not mine in the first place to begin with.
A while ago, the parents chat group invited us to pen something for the kids, and that the teachers would give this letter out to the kids right before releasing the results. I wrote her this letter
I also had the chance to write about Qinzhi in my column in the chinese daily.
We continued to walk and this time during the weekdays so that on weekends Qinzhi and Huaihao can head to stayover at popo and yiyi’s. Sometimes we went down by the canal to cycle and Huaihao and Qinzhi would teach me how to cycle. We always end the walk with something delish! And then the kids would head to the bookstore.
The friday after collecting psle results, we headed to ah mei ayi’s for dinner. and the kids did a staycay
This day we went for dinner at grandpa’s the kids got treated to Godiva’s
This saturday, we were welcoming archer and family, popo, yiyi, davina, into our humble abode and qinzhi made a playhouse out of cardboard.
But otherwise, the holidays were spent pretty much resting and lazying, watching the tv, iPad and computer playing
And this day, we went to Tiong Bahru to pick up Qinzhi’s friend Yuwen. It has always been Qinzhi’s wish to have her friends visit and play at home. And even if we had to head over to Tiong Bahru to pick her, I would, because it would make Qinzhi happy.
I prepared food for her and cooked as I would for the kids, very glad they had a good time and liked what I prepped.
On one of the mornings, the 3 of us walked to millennia walk. Then had Shake Shack
On another day, we headed out to Orchard Road, the kids had been skipping malls because we were not vaccinated, now this is the first time in a few months that they had stepped into a mall and a restaurant. What fun they had!
And on mid December, we went on a family camp and Qinzhi had one of the rare opportunities to mix with children of different ages outside of school. Played lots of fun games of yesteryear and gets to express her feelings publicly.
Interestingly, the mentors commented that Qinzhi is really thoughtful and helps kids along gently and quietly. As always, her good nature shines through. She does not clammer for the spotlight for goes on to be responsible for things she feels needs to be done or people who needs help with. Hearing other parents tell me about Qinzhi made me feel really proud of her. Because what she did, not even I can at times, out of shyness. But she does it without any advice from others. On her own initiative.
Well done Qinzhi!You made us so proud as your parents!
When you keep repeating and duplicating something, an action, you create a process out of it.
And magically , the process takes on a life of its own.
There’s some kind of momentum or force, energy in it.
That probably is the dao 道 we have been searching for. A way in the subtleties that is so profound it propels you forward.
So when we keep eating something, applying the same oils , when we keep running, keep scratching the keloids or responding to its itch, you are locked in its dao it’s momentum it’s cycle
Maybe—-as a start, create something new which is better than any of the last.
There’s something in 14 Peaks that calls out to me.
Nims speaks out the very things we once harboured in our hearts, the very things we held close to heart and pursued like crazy because we believed ——— but afterwards lost them to the daily grinds
And coincidentally, I went back to writing my column yesterday. The piece of writing is slated for Christmas and the idea of light and love came up. My Santa is Mr Ng, who made me see the light each time I went to see him.
I started writing and re-reading just two posts —— every time after I visited, I would write down faithfully the contents of the the visit : what we discussed and exchanged ——- I cried so hard. The nuggets of truth and wisdom I fetched out from then, those visits stand true today. And they are still useful for me. I reconnected with the truths he shared with me and I saw how much I was appreciated as a soul. He taught me how to acknowledge and recognize my self, how to be gentle with myself——-always, before I knew
I miss my teacher and is calling out for him from the depths of my heart.
Then I watched 14 Peaks
The combination worked I guess.
I went back to 2016. When I had the idea of getting Nic to be a Friend of Michelin. And boom, I got to him.
How is that even possible? There is every reason it would be impossible.
In 100 years the red book has been in existence, there is no Friend of Michelin.
https://guide.michelin.com/en/article/news-and-views/michelin-unveils-its-first-friend-of-michelin
Seeing him on stage carrying out and expressing my belief—- that Food is made good with friends and in connection—— is impossible to describe.
The feeling you carry in the heart area is full and warm—— when you make the impossible possible.
No word can do justice to that feeling.
No amount of money too.
I went to bed. And got out of it in a matter of minutes .
I cut the quote on an upcoming video. If that could make the project possible, I will do it. The joy of making a video is impossible to describe too because that is what makes me come alive.
So I emailed the client with an adjusted quote and went back to bed.
And this morning, this morning when I woke and lay in bed, trying to be still. Beautiful thoughts and feelings came to me.
Those moments sitting beside the camera the frame, lights shining on the subject in front of me. The subject revealing thoughts emotions true to him and me feeling them—— because, with age, how different can we be. We run similar programs emotions albeit in different places and different points in life. We connect in the suffering that pain we all had a chance to experience
He or she might be talking about him or her but what I hear is about me. The moments in between —- working with what was released in real time, takes things out of me. It is work in process and expression at its best
That seat, right opposite the subject. Here is where and when I come alive . I live for these.
Why did I give it away so easily ?
The feeling sitting in that spot. I can’t wait to be back.
To use my gift and experience, to share light love hope warmth and delivering it my style.
This is my mission my purpose and the reason of my existence my being. It is why I am wired this way why I feel this way why I have experienced what I have —— all these were in preparation for me to do the work I am here for.
This is the first time I see things this way—— like a puzzle in place. A breakthrough and light of sorts—- i m wired this way because I need my strengths and weaknesses to do the work I do
And seeing this made me appreciate my experiences more.
I thanked my experiences once more and release all that do not serve me any longer —— out of my energy field , and I do so with much ease and grace, lovingly tenderly and I intend for them to move out at a speed fastest possible for my comfort and grounding
But more than release, I know for sure I would be able to use them in my work.
Mr Ng said to me: “you have always shared with me what other people say, what about you? What is your story? I want to hear your story. You should be in the frame.”
He saw the beauty of my beingness when I did not.
The reason and beauty of my being is to express. And when I do not do that, I could not come alive.
These two or three years when I left what I did professionally, a part of me stopped.
Where did you go —— I asked myself . And thank you for coming back. In fact, welcome back TPY——- I heard me say.
The feeling is the same that I felt seeing Nic on stage. The impossible had happened in a way to fetch me back.
And I could see now, how my guardian angels how the creator the source or god, has always been with me and in me———or else, how could I be here today saying this. At this time.
This time, it is the perfect time. Anything earlier or later would not have been.
And the magic in the essential oils —— Believe. And the affirmation I said every morning Michael Beckwith shared . He said to do it for a month and see what happens.
“I am available to more good than I have ever imagined . Let me co create a way of life with god that holds the insights and revelations the wisdom and intelligence that flows with time.”
I ask for support and all the resources on all levels to propel me in this direction of sharing my own light to the world. And it would be for the purpose of letting others see their own light and wonder.
It is Mr Ng’s greatest gift to me. He let me see the beauty of my light being . Always has been and will never go away.
And receiving that make me want to tend to this light I am born with privileged to bear and to share it outwards. To light another being.
Watching Korean travelogue “The Hungry and the Hairy” brought to mind that I once believed I was made for big things. I went to the best schools , had great results, was always ‘seen’ and ‘heard’. I made a name for myself. (Probably that was why I was so drawn to my ex boss SH, who also made dreams come true. ) But I gave up being big and decided to hide myself in small after Dad left us after Mom died. I hid my talents my wishes my purpose my mission along with those incidents. I stopped living me even if I m alive . Recently I had the feeling that I stopped myself when I left my last designation——- but now I realized I stopped myself even earlier.
No one else but me. I stopped myself from living my truth.
And I realized also, rather, I made the decision to not fall into another cycle of unhappiness with bf. I m no longer going to invest myself being upset. Been there done that. Enough is enough is enough.
I m going to live life devoted to protecting and sharing my light.
Is it any coincidence I woke up to these on 12/12?
Too many beautiful lines from the soul speaking out from this
Nims completed Project Possible- because so many thought it is impossible—- to summit the 14 world’s tallest mountains that go beyond 8000m, in 6 months 6 days and broke six world records in mountaineering.
This is about inspiring the human race
Don’t be afraid to dream big
Doesn’t matter where you come from. You can show the world, nothing is impossible
One of which is, “ but the biggest strength is —- I have no fear . I m going to go up there and make my own assessment.”
What is it like to have no fear?
Go there —- we all have to.
On the summit, your soul becomes part of the mountain. You come alive
Things went crazy. But I was so focused. Bring it on
Life is absurd but we can fill it with ideas, enthusiasm. You can fill your life with joy.
When you are in the mountains you find out who you really are. Any mistake I make could be death. But when it comes to that moment
You want to survive . You want to live. I climb so that I can live every moment of my life.
In such a focused concentration climbing and meditation is the same. When the pain forces you to go down . You keep going up.
You are on the edge of life and death . You are on the edge of all possibilities
You have to be willing to try. In trying, you also have a chance to fail
Dont listen to the others. Sometimes in life you have to take risk for yourself
A lot of people summited in his footsteps
In life , you have to keep doing what you believe. You have to ask yourself: do you really want this from your heart? Is this for self glory or for something bigger? Sometimes the idea you come up with may seem impossible to the rest of the world but it doesn’t mean it is impossible to you. And if you can inspire one or two people along the good way, then you can inspire the world
A unique statement in the history of mountaineering
What’s next? I haven’t started yet but We are going bigger
And so I ask you: Which mountain are you climbing? Whose mountain are you climbing —— now?
“The deep releasing of all family soul contracts, all fetters and ties and deep clearing and release at cellular and DNA levels, is now occuring.
You need to ASK for this, as you have free will and choice and has to do with your physical family and embodiment in the Old Earth.
Thank them for the soul lessons in mastery.
It is indeed an act of pure, unconditional love.
As you are ready to step into fullness and truth and fullness of your new embodiment as one, in the New Earth, and the Eternal
Now, you are attracting your new soul family to you and those who now are as ONE with you and thus in ONENESS cocreate with great love and within the Divine Law of One. Sacred and sanctified.”
Judith Kusel
http://www.judithkusel.com
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