What was most monumental must be psle this month.

Qinzhi took her first psle paper-listening comprehension in english and chinese yesterday and it means things are speeding up. psle is approaching, my girl is almost graduating from primary school. Has it been 6 years already?

And because schools have disseminated test kits for covid, the kids have it too and have to do swab tests at home

Qinzhi got the highest marks for chinese in class and daddy bought cakes for her to celebrate her little success. Yes we want to celebrate these little successes

and let qinzhi know we are together with her on this psle journey

One weekend we were walking up towards the jewel and she said, “I was born to fly”

Midweek in the school holidays and qinzhi has to go to school for remedial lessons. She came to my bed and hugged me. I was floating across sleep and being awake.

And at night I wrote her a note

national day this year was postponed from aug 9 to 22 , and we went out early for a morning walk to marina area, daddy brought the kids to do a virtual game and we stayed out the day to catch the jets and fireworks. because we were not vaccinated, we couldn’t eat at restaurants, but we ate anyway, we took away meidi-ya bentos and sushis and ate out in the open before locating a nice spot to catch the jets and flypast of the singapore flag.

many years later, i believe this would be something qinzhi and huaihao will remember- ah, we caught a full moon too!

Teacher’s day this year should be very special for qinzhi. This is what she wrote

she wanted to bake muffins and we did! for her teachers who mean much to her.

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Mid autumn is near and ah yi has lots of mooncake gifts this year, of course she kept nice ones for us

On some weekends, ah hui ayi would cook and ask grandpa to deliver!

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At this point in time, qinzhi loves photo taking ! And I love her smile! She is beginning to be conscious of her weight, her skin her pimples and wants to cut down for weight loss.

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I told HuaiHao that as qinzhi grew up she’s fast becoming a friend as well as a daughter. Instead of helping her with things she weren’t able to do as a baby or kid such as feeding her, my role is transforming into a listener and we share big and little things about life

Writing her a note is my way of relating to her.

I tried to recall the hug qinzhi gave to me on the bed.

And I couldn’t help but feel touched by her. When I was at my weakest, her hands always gave me energy and motivation to go on and try again

And I want to tell qinzhi this power she has in being gentle

Everytime qinzhi gave me a hug or asked for one —— now that I look back, it felt like it was for me more than it was for her

She’s teaching me to slow down and give myself a hug—— when needed

It’s so subtle this teaching I always missed it

And thinking about all these made me think about the time I found myself pregnant with qinzhi

I felt shy of my own actions – getting pregnant before I got married in 5 months. I had so many mixed feelings about what others in my family would think because it apparently was a very traditional family with so many rules. What would people think of me? I always did the right thing! I didn’t announce my pregnancy until i was preganant. And I had a part orchestrating this

I was upset with myself

Perhaps qinzhi felt all this and this all culminated in what she is today

And I realized I stayed in those feelings of guilt and shame for doing this , thinking that this —-punishing myself is redemption to qinzhi

I wanted to apologize to qinzhi and I tried to speak to me then.

“It’s okay. You have been together for so long. You have help! You have your nanny to turn to. You have your grandma . You have your family. Why do you even need anyone’s approval for your own happiness? “

But beyond it all—— I can understand why you feel this way. You have been exacting such high standards everyday . But is that really for yourself or have you been in any way , punishing yourself for someone else’s wrong? This is life and not where we use standards on. You have been so hinged and anchored on meeting and surpassing standards, in school, at work , on family life. It’s been so tough for you yet you always kept up so well. Was it because you failed mom’s expectations in primary 2 when you got 7th in position in class and you couldn’t forget how she pained and talked to you at the dining table ?

Let it go!

You do not need to carry these —- another’s expectations on you all your life. Much less the tribe’s. You do not need to fulfill anyone’s expectations other than living your own’s dreams and desires.

Forgive yourself for choosing this all this while. It’s not even a mistake! You learned things.

Remember – ? Everything was borne out of love and so you had the beautiful qinzhi and that is so amazing! Choose to celebrate this from now — this beauty you have been given the opportunity to create to be pregnant in that time .

I apologize to qinzhi for all the conscious and unconscious emotions that I have shared with her on my time of ignorance and I ask for her forgiveness

I forgive my self for all this choices I have made and the release all the guilt and shame and negativity I felt . I do not need them any longer.