I feel like I m in the old. Or my body went back to experience some old.
10 plus days ago, i started feeling dizzy and faint, now its as feel its a signal telling me the time machine is transporting me back to the old.
Feels like you are not grounded, sometimes you shift inside you, you get headaches, you cannot breathe, you feel tired your eyes cannot open, there is brain fog and you want to shut down.
You , not I, keep dozing off.
There is a strain on my neck and shoulders.
I tried to use my essential oils and they do help, i used clarity and it cleared things up, then the old came back.
I was trying to make sense of it.
What is this, is this something physical or did it start off in the mind? What did I do to bring about or—manifest this state?
In a session of breathing I got some insights.
These few days even if I were touched or moved, I couldn’t really cry. I was in some kind of a blocked state, I guess that is because my body cannot take things anymore, and so I couldn’t cry.
But in the breathing session my tears flowed.
This blocked state—–reminded me of the time I couldn’t cry in my life. When mom left and dad is half living, I couldn’t be myself, I had to be the bread earner, I had to be sister and mother to my siblings, and a daughter first——-where is TPY then? So how could I even cry?
I sort of felt like i had gone back to a state of the old, it was when difficulties enveloped me challenges engulfed me, and I lost TPY.
I saw or felt emotions then that were not released or were suppressed .
I took moments to experience them and allow them and felt them, i felt them in my body. And thanked them for their presence and released them,
I do not need them anymore.
Yesterday Huaihao took time to massage me. He gave me a shoulder massage for about 40 minutes and we spoke. I asked him how does he feel when mommy is tired, and he says, “sad”
I tried to massage his legs while he is massaging my shoulders and he takes my hands off and says, “just relax”. I asked him to stop after a while, or his hands might feel tired and he says, “its ok and it doesn’t even compare to what i do for me” and “its ok, anything that can make you feel better, just relax”
And then the machine calls for me and the kids help me out. I feel really blessed then. And Huaihao packs the sofa and the dining area and dries the kitchen top.
He says, “anything that can help mommy.”
That is battery , that gave me the realisation and almost, its a discovery—-because it opened my mind again, that whatever was past never should be in the present.
Huaihao gave me the courage to acknowledge this and to carry this out.
I tried to be independent of this circumstance. I did some yin yoga and relaxation poses
I sat and meditated
And hey!
I heard myself say just not too long ago- I want to do inner work
Isn’t my wish granted? Now
And another voice said: if all we have is the now, why- why do we even let the past take up this moment of now ?
When I washed the dishes the winds blew. I took the chance to be in and with it.
I make the decision to be in the now with the now.
I acknowledge and honour what last experiences I have and I can say that I do not need them now.
from his collection of poetry Call Me by my True Names
Breathing in, I see myself as a flower. I am the freshness of a dewdrop. Breathing out, my eyes have become flowers. Please look at me. I am looking with the eyes of love.
Breathing in, I am a mountain, imperturbable, still, alive, vigorous. Breathing out, I feel solid. The waves of emotion can never carry me away.
Breathing in, I am still water. I reflect the sky faithfully. Look, I have a full moon within my heart, the refreshing moon of the bodhisattva. Breathing out, I offer the perfect reflection of my mirror-mind.
Breathing in, I have become space without boundaries. I have no plans left. I have no luggage. Breathing out, I am the moon that is sailing through the sky of utmost emptiness. I am freedom.
A little story I will share with you, the other day when I was out and about I saw a little girl carrying her small dog into the groomers. As she walked along the footpath, I watched her guardian angel moving with her. Her guardian angel had another angel with her, helping her to support her little dog. I could see she was whispering into its ears, comforting her little dog that was brown and white in color and looked so cute. I asked her guardian angel what did she say and her guardian angel said she’s telling her little dog Precious not to worry she’ll be waiting outside, that she wasn’t going anywhere. She was so worried about her little dog Precious but her guardian angel was comforting the little girl by whispering in her ear.
I watched the angels helping her and of course her mother wasn’t too far behind and as she followed her daughter. Her mother pushed the door of the groomers open and they all walked in, the guardian angel and the other angel that was there was helping the little girl to carry her dog and comfort the little dog as well, as she stroked little Precious.
I hope you have been asking your guardian Angel to help you. The other day when I was out in the garden I just said to my guardian angel, I sure could do with a little helping hand and I had to smile because the next moment I heard my name being called it was the Angel of Strength. I just smiled and laughed a little saying thank you for coming to help me, but the jobs aren’t that big I don’t have to carry or pull anything. The Angel of Strength said to me do you want me to go somewhere else and I said yes, maybe there is someone in the world that has not called on you or is unaware of their guardian angel, would you go and give them a helping hand? The next moment the Angel of Strength disappeared. I said thank you to my guardian angel for helping me not to get a rose thorn in my hand. I got all the work done and not a scratch on my hand.
I just think it’s so important for us all not to forget that we can send angels to other parts of the world to help someone else, to help nature. I know many of you send unemployed angels all over the world. They are definitely needed, but maybe this is a little reminder. Don’t forget you can send an Archangel as well. Don’t keep the angels just for yourself. God is still pouring these unemployed angels by bucketful down from the heavens. They are tumbling down from the heavens right now, and I hope you are employing as many of those unemployed angels, sending them all across the world to help people and especially to help nature and our planet.
The angels that are here in the room with me told me to look at the window. The sun is shining. It’s a beautiful day here in Ireland. Angel Hosus said: make cup of tea and then go for a walk, so I’m going to say goodbye now and blessings to you all.
Moving into my flat? It’s one month ——- but seemed so long ago.
We moved and the kids finally have their own rooms and slept on their own
And I finally have mine – after 12 years
It’s a unit you can wake up with the rising sun and fall into sleep under moonlight .
Welcoming sunrise and it’s spectacular display and the glow of the moon at night.
There’s something magical about this.
It sort of closes in on the gap between man and nature or the cosmos
It makes you feel one with the cosmos, like you are in it, part of it that makes it whole
It is empowering
Observing this even if they were just minute moments
Very sweet
It’s where you could see far away into the distant with unblocked views
Then we worked things out
Bf told me about his sessions with a certain Glenn who helped him see how his childhood experiences culminated in his world his views his being today
I m truly glad because he has experienced an opening of sorts and can see better
Bf apologized to Qinzhi and HuaiHao and shared with them how his experiences as a child made him what he is today
HuaiHao couldn’t really take his apology- shortly after hearing from his dad, he asked to go to toilet
Then told me, he wanted to leave because he wanted to give space to his papa
Qinzhi was on the verge of breaking down but managed her emotions
I spoke to her after and she is like, “ now you finally know you are wrong ?”
One day we were out walking and a kid on a bicycle fell
Bf went all out to help the kid and even stayed on to ensure he is well
I didn’t even want to see it
I was disgusted totally by his actions and angry
I thought of the time HuaiHao was knocked up into the air by a bicycle or each time HuaiHao fell , he always left HuaiHao and me and left in anger
I was thoroughly enraged seeing that he helped anyone but his son
I was totally thrown into the past seeing this
And I lashed out at him with shaking voice
He kept saying – it’s all in the past, why do you bring it up
He says it’s because I haven’t healed and that’s why I m triggered
Obviously !
I asked him to shut his trap and just allow me to snap even if it’s at him- those are the emotions that were suppressed at that time
Emotions that wanted to be out but couldn’t because I had to attend to HuaiHao
There was so much anger and hatred in me
I hated that he as a father actually responded by being oblivious to his son’s plea for help
I was so so mad
The incident was a trigger and had me zoom back to the past and released some deep emotions
Another big episode hit at me too
And that is J
One fine day she texted me saying things like she finally understood what I was saying
I thought it was a conversation we had that inspired her
But then a series of audio messages came on and sent me looking for help for her
She’s finally sent to hospital and has been in intensive care
What we figured out was that she’s had some autoimmune issues and the Covid vaccine sent things up into a mega flux and overthrew the system. And I hear that in the hospital she’s been calling my name!
all through those days, I find myself in deep shit
First of all a common friend we had who was a reiki teacher picked up that J was picking up my subconscious and feeling my pain
That set me thinking
Was I in pain subconsciously so much that another could pick it up
Well possible
But i felt a lot of fear and uncertainty and confusion
And is this hers or mine?
Obviously maybe some is her because I too was thinking of her and in that way connecting with her
The reiki common friend listened to me and says this is transference – that is, I was triggered by an event on the outside and this resonated with something in me
And I went back to a past
That was a pretty challenging time for me
I find myself gasping for air and feeling indigestion
There was a day I felt so low it feels as if an evil force has overtaken me
I couldnt lift my eyes to speak to others around me naturally. And I was afraid they would see through me
And I just felt that I couldn’t enter into the atmosphere they are in no matter how hard I tried
Then this common reiki friend we called me one day and asked me to go into J’s consciousness and to motivate her out of her depths
I was fearful first of all
Am I skilled enough to do this? Do I still have the capacity to in my state of less than optimum grounding ?
In the end I did what I could and want to- and wrote a letter for her
In that I was tracing out how we connected- and we did because she believed in me and helped get celebrity Nicholas Tse into the Michelin gala in Macau and supported my initiative to get yongey mingyur Rinpoche to talk about mindful eating on the Michelin guide fb page
We connected when I invited her out to lunch knowing she’s going to quit
We connected when she brought me to see this common reiki friend after knowing that my daughter has experienced seizures and is need of emotional management
We connected when I saw her lunching with her ex and she would be eating alone while her ex is in phone calls
Even if we did not speak. We connected —-somewhat somehow
That truly is the power of connection and of the mind
Fast forward to now, shortly after she’s hospitalized her ex came to know of this and would call me everyday to ask for updates and to express his feelings of distraught
So I was in between them
I asked why- and my answer was that a while ago I actually believed I could be their bridge and helped them connect
In fact I had done that
In the phone call at P90 her ex passed the phone to me and I told J her ex said that the best person he had met in his professional career was her
And I said the same thing to her during our lunch
I performed the function of a bridge
And now so I release this intention I had sent out- totally
And now I release !
And I have nothing to do with their lives their futures their pasts anymore
Thank you for the opportunity and trust for having me being involved previously- I learnt a lot!
And this session with J, actually gave me an opportunity to look into my past my fears my experiences and emotions yet again
And really to honour them to be thankful for them
To know – they are actually gone by and can no longer have their grip on me
But the mind ‘s habitual grasping and looking back is creating all this
I cleared another layer I can say and I m more open and wider
Through this all, I intuitively bathed with crystal salt and essential oils to uplift myself
I trusted my oils
I trusted my self
I did my very best on the awareness front and used whatever blur as a support for mediation and awareness training
I was in between highs and lows
And I reminded myself to be in the present and prayed and chanted mantras
A few texts pieces I saw helped me
Like this
From Native American elder Steven Charleston this morning:
“Go to the Source. Whenever you are anxious or afraid, whenever you are angry or hurt, whenever the world seems like chaos and the task before you long and hard: go to the Source of your faith.
“Within each one of us there is a spiritual center. Like the heart beating within a body, it is the tireless engine of hope that nourishes your soul and gives you the energy to carry on. It has grown over the years, getting stronger every year you have believed. Now it is there for you when you need it.
“Just close your eyes, whisper a prayer, and enter into the silence. Stay there, alert, but calm, open to receiving the renewal and healing you need. Go to the Source. It will not fail you.”
I did tapping to release anxiety
I took lots of long walks and thanked the sun for its light and energy and strength
What was in the past that I havent resolved? I asked?
It’s habit and negativity and gravity
And the not wanting to let go of it- for believing that I do not deserve it that I should be stopped
I realized I rather had myself in the past and kept myself from embracing possibilities in the unknown
Huaihao’s not wanting to go to school today had me thinking
He didn’t want school because he didn’t know how to react to his classmates who commented that he was funny at presenting . Nor did he know how to say no to his friends who wanted his book
I spoke to him with much force until I was shaking inside
I didn’t know too- so why did I judge my kid for avoiding too
I couldn’t have done otherwise
And that was a learning lesson for me
As I spoke to HuaiHao and tried to sort things out for him
I sorted it out myself
I told huaihao –
-that if he cannot manage then ask teacher or a higher authority for help
-that we do not have to mind others voices and just go on doing what we are best at, it’s too silly to be stopped by others unfounded comments
-that if others cannot see what we see, it is because they are seeing things from their point of view and are not at the same levels with us
So we will continue to be grounded and to do what we want and what we are best at
I almost cried saying these things
It’s not for HuaiHao but for me my good self
How many times have I allowed myself to be stopped and to give power to others’ thoughts and putting others before myself?
How many things have I lowered myself and felt lowly of myself even if I was so good at things I do even if I were the best
That day I asked HuaiHao what is his dream and I told him what is mine
I want to do a Netflix chefs table series on Chinese or simply chefs in the Asian region
I want to see my name in the credit list
I want to interview the chefs by myself
I want to go do stories that touch people to tears and inspire them to change- like how I have myself I
Want to give people the feeling of Hope —— even if it was a glimmer
I think in doing this, I heal creatively
using my own way using what I have and also inspire others to think about healing or inner work
And thinking about those few days I experienced the mind across spectrum, I know there must be a reason why
And I experienced the power of connection . It was a lesson through and through in connection and how the powerful mind does that in the twinkle of a pure thought
What does it mean to be connected?
Beyond a physical phone call, meeting face to face, connection is so much more
It’s karmic connections
It’s that person coming to your mind
It’s you thinking of another
Feeling another
It stems from the heart and soul nowhere else
To learn this is great privilege and there’s definitely a reason why I m learning it
I realized too that I have set an intent of bridging 2 J and SH and released this intent I set in a certain point in time
And I saw how my own actions brought inflammatory responses to my keloids
How I made them inflamed
The idea about my level of consciousness creating them came to me
And so, it’s to uplift myself to another state or level because in that level the keloids and cyst would not be there
And all I have to do is to keep doing the new
Taking walks
Practice mindfulness
Eat well
Fast
Live well
Breathe well
Be free
Tap into my EOs for support
Continue to write
Continue to do videos
And so tune in consciously to a higher frequency or vibration
It makes me rethink the times I doubt myself
What would have been me if I haven’t doubted myself that much?
Hell is in the mind and so is heaven
We have the power to steer ourselves to goodness and to access the depths of our souls
We have that power ,
In fact always and especially so when we have clarity or awareness
You are no longer your past. Your past colors you, informs the choices you may make, influences how you will feel, how you will see, but you are no longer your past. You are your now and your future. You are your now and your future and releasing your past requires courage, learning, experience, practice, and none of the above. For courage, practice, learning, experience may be the doorways through which you are able to release elements of your past. They may be the final part of you required to allow the past to release so that a new future can be born.
And this
At this stage of our growth and evolution the incoming energies are working to trigger our personal limitations, old behaviours, and unhealed patterns. This is an uncomfortable process which can leave us feeling exhausted and frustrated as the urge to take action and move forward grows. If we learn to welcome in these energies and allow them to anchor within us, we are better able to navigate the triggers and open ourselves up for healing. When we step out of old patterns and let go of limitation, we can claim our power and the energy needed to birth a new reality.
You may still feel stuck between what is known and what is yet to come into form. While in this process it is helpful to focus on the areas in your life that need attention and change. The incoming energies are supporting imagination, creativity, and innovative solutions. As such take a moment to pause in the busyness of your life and tune into the possibilities that can shift you into the new.
The story you tell in any area causes you to experience life as you do. You begin to feel your Power more fully when you commit to looking at where you are thriving rather than merely surviving. Do this very consciously, and you will be fine-tuning your focus as you tell yourself and thus create the story of your life.
And this!
“Feeling Strange Energy or Pain”
From a session with Dr. Peebles, through Summer Bacon, July 28
Q: “How can we support our bodies during this phase of transition and transformation?”
You can get outside, get some sunshine. Understand that you will feel some interesting pains and vibrations coursing through your body. If you feel such things, just simply allow for it to be. Go with it, and breathe through it. Very much like you would if you were to be – whether you are male or female – if you were to be giving birth, you would be breathing through that experience.
You would realize that there’s an energy, a force that’s at work, called a contraction, that is very productive if you allow it to be.
Some of the very difficult troubles with childbirth is the resistance to the contractions, because they hurt. But if you go with it and you allow for it to do its job to pull the baby out, you would find that the contractions don’t last as long.
If you can see these experiences physically, emotionally, and spiritually as being contractions that are bringing you into the 5th Dimension of the understanding of love, then you would just simply take a nice deep breath as it comes in.
Relax, release, surrender. Blow out. And allow for it to just simply pass through you. You can feel it, if you like, going down into the earth through your feet, or you can feel it going up into the heavens. And you’ll feel one direction or the other, as to what is right for you.
So it’s a matter of working with these energies.
Of course, if you were to have anything that is really difficult and really painful, God bless you indeed, of course do lots of prayer and ask for assistance. No question about it. It’s all right to ask for assistance. It’s not a sign of being weak. It’s a sign of courage and it’s a sign of knowing and acknowledging that you are worthy of love and attention.
The thing for human beings is that you tend to go into the pain and hold onto it. You say, “I am in pain, it hurts, and I’m angry, and I’m tired, and I’m depressed, and I’m this and that.” And you own it by saying these words.
You could say, “Ah! Interesting, I have some pain here. Let’s see what it’s about.”
It takes courage to do this, to stop, and to really take that moment, when you’re at the office, at work, or whatever it might be. You’re standing in a grocery store – have the courage to simply close your eyes and breathe deeply, and exhale, and feel it and go with it.
Because it can hit at any time, it really can.
It’s important to realize that, yes, well, I look a little silly here if I’m doing this out in public, but how much do you love yourself?
“Forgiveness is one of the most healing expressions that can assist us to reclaim the wholeness of who we are. And yet it can be the most challenging aspect of our evolving.
“Gathering back the pieces, owning our own soul expression, allowing ourselves to truly feel that which our body has held, takes us to the realms of deep empowerment. It’s layered beyond our knowing and yet is as accessible as our breath.
“Are you deeply ready to honour that place within you and nurture those wounded facets of your heart? Listen to that which you repeat, for it is the key to your freedom. Walk in the light of all you are, its time, you so deserve to feel the freedom.
“Loving you into wholeness this and all days, dear one.”
“In this moment, I allow myself to feel the unconditional love and support that surrounds me.”
~Excerpt from Galactic Light Code Monthly, through Wendy Kennedy
Yellownblac's II Weblog 