Month: August 2021

Connecting to My Inner Child

Connecting to My Inner Child

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In a stargate meditation session Connecting to the Inner Child, I saw myself – perhaps at 4 or 5 years old

Alone

My parents were not with me

Even though I knew my nanny with me

I was simply seeing myself alone

It’s a very deep sense of being alone that stayed with me for a few days. As if it kept something inside wanting me to delve deeper in

I stayed with this feeling for a few days before penning these thoughts down

Why am I alone ?

Why do I not have support or love or care around me? Even if I have parents?

Why are you not with me?

I heard the little girl say.

There’s anger frustration hurt unfairness perhaps even jealousy of another child who has the love of their parents

My conscious mind interrupted and explained to me that

– my parents had to work to earn a living to give me the best they can such as letting me take up organ lessons and having to pay my nanny for monthly childcare fees

But that’s not what I want—- the little girl said!

-they probably were not as evolved to see and attend to the extremely sensitive needs I had as/even as a child

I rationalized to myself and the little girl.

And I realized how very different I m—-I sort of saw the high level of consciousness I had even at the age of 4 years old

Wow

It felt like I had such a strong need to connect and express myself

My young parents who were parents for the first time , simply weren’t armed to deal with or manage me

It makes me reflect on myself as a parent- Much like how we are not armed to deal with Qinzhi and Huaihao now

It brings me to the point that evolution of humanity to a higher level of consciousness is going faster and faster

And staying in the old or it is important to see how much of the old we still harbour and can change out of —- is imperative so we do not cause unnecessary hurt to our next generation

Also, even if so many years have passed, I touched upon the pain of humanity drowned in unawareness and so repeating unfortunate circumstances are still everywhere

I think these really are the messages brought out by the inner child who kept tugging on to me

The pain she felt as a child and even now – after so many years

And what do I find myself say to her?

I m sorry you suffered little one

I can feel the pain and hurt

But really- this is not all of life!

I know how You came with so much expectations optimism happiness delight and hope , wanting to carry your expressions consciousness and light to the world but met with such intense disappointments hurt pain and suffering along the way

It has been hard on you

I know

(And I realize just how much the little girl needs —-love

Love and a hug is all she needs

Perhaps my children too

When I hugged her, she cried so hard because she is finally heard and understood this brought me so much tears too

And after all the crying its good to see her smile again

And it makes me think of a line in the Heart Sutra- 不生不灭不增不减

There’s no birth no death

Nothing increases or decreases

Like the very spirit we are made of and in us )

You have been so awesome all this while, you put it up so well and did so many wonderful things

Throughout it all, no matter what time, you always continued to put forth hope consciousness and light in you

Always always pure and true to yourself

And I am so very proud and blessed to have you

Continue to do what you do best

This really is the meaning or purpose of your life

To radiate Hope, share consciousness and light outwards

I recall John’s words when I shared some of these with him a while ago, the pain of humanity repeating in unconscious states got to him and he reminded me to shift my focus, mindful of your emotions

I think it might have been too ambitious to save the world – just as the little girl in me has been too eager to see so much of everything

But as with life, how about starting off with myself and the little girl?

To be open to the possibility that others can be them and we do not have to put a label or judgement on their lives – suffering or not, right or wrong

To be open to the possibility that I can start by steering myself closer and closer to light and wonder simply by being mindful for as long as I can

To continually uplift myself take care of myself – body and mind to a state of balance and equilibrium

I think I can contribute greatly just by making myself whole and expressing myself truthfully

I think I can contribute the most when I am truly me and the best version of me

Little girl, thank you for the inspiration! You have been so very awesome and I m so very very very proud of you!

And I see this!

“September Energies: Cross-Connecting to Atlantis”

The 9D Arcturian Council, through Daniel Scranton

We are so very impressed by the way you all have handled the energies of August, and we are very excited to see what you will do with the energies of September, a month that includes an equinox, a balancing of the scales. Many individuals on your world have felt out of balance in some way for quite some time, and more importantly, many individuals have been triggered to specific traumas in previous lifetimes that they are cross-connecting to, but also unaware of the fact that they are accessing those past life traumas. And that’s where the September energies come in to play.

You all need some soothing, an energetic bath to cleanse you and to help you to release those stuck energies, those traumas, those emotions you either couldn’t or wouldn’t feel in those previous lifetimes. And so, the energies of September will be supportive of the final release, the final letting go of the heaviness of those traumas so that you can move into the December solstice clear, open, and ready to receive the next download of energies that will take you into 2022.

This has not been an easy year there on planet Earth, because so many have felt disappointed for one reason or another, and that disappointment is not just about their own experiences and lives. People have been disappointed in other people, and this has created a chain reaction that has taken you back in a sense to Atlantean times. In Atlantis many of the humans could see the folly of the ways of their fellow Atlanteans but could do nothing to stop what was already occurring. Many felt powerless to put a stop to what was the decline of Atlantis that would ultimately result in its destruction.

So many people on Earth right now feel that way for a variety of reasons, and so those Atlantean traumas are just some of the ones that people are cross-connecting to and needing to release and heal once and for all. The September energies will do more than just balance you; they will also support you, help you to cleanse and heal so that you can move on from the weight of past life traumas that you are holding in your root chakras, and you will be able to relax when you open yourselves up to these energies.

And you will be able to feel your emotions more clearly and choose which ones you want to feel, and that is something that many people on your world have yet to experience in this lifetime. It is huge to be able to choose how you want to feel, instead of walking around and just getting triggered over and over again. We want this for you, and we know that you want it for yourselves, and so we are happy to participate in the delivery of the September energies, and we know that those of you who are sensitive and are open will be catapulting yourselves forward as a result of what you are about to receive.

Navillera

Navillera

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Navillera tells the story of Shim Deok-chul (Park In-hwan), a 70-year-old retired mailman who decides to pursue his life-long dream of learning ballet, something which he did not manage to do in his 70 years of life, first because his father objected , then when he had a family, he was struggling to make ends meet.

He meets Lee Chae-rok (Song Kang), a 23-year-old dancer who became interested in ballet after trying out different sports — and becomes his teacher.

The South China Morning Post states in their review of the series that “Navillera deals with relatable issues of old age, whether you’re the one approaching it or your loved ones are, but while the fear that a diagnosis like Alzheimer’s can cause is clearly evoked by the series, it steers clear of the day-to-day realities of the condition”.

There is a lot of crying to be done with this series. It calls out something at the very bottom of the heart, so sunken so heavy and we know very well it is there.

I picked some really beautiful quotes that resonated with me.

I just followed my emotions

My father who forbade me to dance is long gone. But i have not even danced.

I lived that way all my life and I am 70

I have never done anything I wanted in my life

I have been too busy making ends meet to support my family

Much less dream of it

And now I m finally trying to do what I want

I know I m old and weak but I want to try

I want to give it a shot at least

I want to soar again in my life

I would like to soar for once

I just did what I want to do

I always lived my life listening to what others wanted me to do

What brings you happiness?

This too will pass

It’s ok to fail

I don’t want to dance half heartedly

You work so hard

You will make it

Call him when you think of him. Run to him when you miss him

He is your father and you are his son

He must have been over the moon when you were born and smiled the biggest

Soar like an eagle

The sky is blue

I just happened to look up

And I felt happy

Happiness can be felt in the littlest of details

When you want something fr your heart. You shine brighter than anyone else

I can do and become anything I want

You can throw the ball however you want

I struggled this whole time and I will be struggling tomorrow as well ( referring to learning ballet and a gala show)

But I will still do my best

Just focus on what you have been practicing

The body will remember

Walking (iii)

Walking (iii)

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I have been asking myself the question: how do we heal shame and guilt?

And I saw some interesting notes, talk about synchronicity!

Can there be coincidence in life?

Look at the messages i picked up along the way? Too beautiful and , coincidental!

I am reminded of one of the messages the community shared on this point

Guilt and Shame associated with lower back, root and sacral region—>affects imunne system, health issues, autoimmune prob, allergies,

Guilt and Shame, happening in our mind, creating mentally, your own story, you are running it and watching it, if keep doing this it does not serve any purpose, just feeling himself or herself, habit of looping and imagining, paying back with guilt and shame and hitting yourself.

Causes diseases, doesnt connect you to present,

Duality, another version of you , at war with yourself

immune system starts to get worse, neurological issues, autoimmune coz at war with yourself.

Things that have happened already past, there’s only present,

cannot change past, but can change present, then change past and future

Power of present, change in the present, past and future will change

we can connect with ourselves to present

dont connect to past anymore

you have power to change, in present power to connect and conceive

Release for back, inhale, got to cellular receptors, change vibration of being, release what baggage you are holding

Transformation: apply front and back, dont like the way you think, inhale

Royal Blend: Rose, Ylang ylang, royal Hawaiian sandalwood, jasmine, works instantly, apply front and back

Present Time, inhale , apply front and back, forehead

Aren’t they all answers for me?

Today after the rain, we went out walking. Was chatting with bf on healing. I asked him about his sessions and he shared some bits here and there, such as being led to a scene of the past and feeling what the younger self of him felt , what he would tell the boy.

I tried it as I walked. Applying these to my own experiences and I went back to the day before dad left. We were asked to get into his bedroom and dad said he had to go,

I asked myself how I felt-in there.

Apprehensive , lots of fear, what about us? Are you abandoning us? Is there any future? Are you leaving mom to this? How can you leave us -this way? What kind of father are you to be doing this to us? Do we deserve this at all?

There’s also anger, frustration, hatred, helplessness at how things have come on. All these were not expressed by the girl that was me.

Instead I saw her, sitting there, not really daring to face up and not wanting to hear what’s next or to know what is going on?

I shut down.

And if I shut down then, can I blame my dad for choosing to shut down too? Those ways we went–they seem to be the very ways we can afford with what circumstances and wisdom we had.

Instead of saying all those things, I shut down. And I allowed and consented to dad’s decision.

I actually allowed it and consented. This was my understanding as I walked today. At that time, by not saying anything, I have actually made a decision, I consented to letting him go, and taking up responsibility for and the uncertain future come what may!

Wow, what a realisation.

Wow

My soul chose it this way, and shouldered and soldiered on in the later years. Why I asked? Was there something I needed to learn? I thought about the concept of soul contract, like how we chose the people we were to meet before we came into this very existence for a certain fulfilment. I am proud to say then then my job is done and I tear away this soul contract with the soul who is my dad.

I think with this i can start embracing a new relationship with him, all over again, picking up from where we left off and I see myself being brought to the sandy beach or playground by dad.

I was asking myself how to heal guilt and shame, and i thought of a few ways, besides using essential oils to support and release, offering light to the areas of the body harbouring these and breathing in to these points . I thought of also building a new relationship or simply just making new experiences and memories with my father.

And to the girl then what would I say?

“辛苦你了。谢谢你！”

It been hard on you . Thank you for doing all you have done.

I remember – Mr Ng said it to me too.

And I m so proud to have come to this point.

As I walked, birds begin to swirl around playing in/with the sky. I am always touched by this sight. They reminded me of the time i was in the maldives and a server at The Alila told me this as he served me ice cold water at the sun deck.

“What is your name,” he asked.

“Yen, it means big bird”

“I think if you do what you like, you will be like flying in the sky”

Its so beautiful and so wise, it says so much. And later on, I have always, whenever possible to go on to include birds in my video works–to thank myself once again, for doing something I like.

Interestingly, in my shower I silently worded one of the above I saw by koya webb: to invite people places experiences that will support or uplift me

In the afternoon, HuaiHao was going to raindrop me as usual but my bottle of 3 Wise Men fell and broke

The essential oil spilled on the floor and not wanting to waste it. I was desperately trying to use both hands to wipe the oil up and to apply them- and the next moment, the word anoint came into mind.

Rather than getting angry or feeling like the oil is wasted, I m a breathing walking 3 wise men now.

Maybe I needed 3 Wise Men

I look forward to my next walk.

8 Yrs 7 Mths

8 Yrs 7 Mths

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One month plus in this new space and Huaihao is learning to appreciate the space like we do. Starting from the sunrise and sunset moments.

I believe these moments will inculcate this love for the sun or, nature. Everyday at sunset, we get the chance to see a display of nature’s finest

So mundane , yet so extraordinary, what an inspiration.

Huaihao is great with his hands and loved to work on crafts , sometimes it was Lego, then origami, and he did also belts and shields. Sometimes I would ask him for help to prepare dinner and he would gladly do as he’s too fast with work and would get bored asking for things to do

One day, Huaihao did not want to head to school and said that he had a tummy ache. He’s not wanting to go to school today had me thinking

He didn’t want school because he didn’t know how to react to his classmates who commented that he was funny at presenting . Nor did he know how to say no to his friends who wanted his book

I spoke to him with much force until I was shaking inside. I didn’t know too- so why did I judge my kid for avoiding? I couldn’t have done otherwiseAnd that was a learning lesson for me

As I spoke to HuaiHao and tried to sort things out for him. I sorted out myself

I told huaihao –

-that if he cannot manage then ask teacher or a higher authority for help

-that we do not have to mind others voices and just go on doing what we are best at, it’s too silly to be stopped by others unfounded comments

-that if others cannot see what we see, it is because they are seeing things from their point of view and are not at the same levels with us

So we will continue to be grounded and to do what we want and what we are best at

I almost cried saying these things

It’s not for HuaiHao but for me my good self

How many times have I allowed myself to be stopped and to give power to others’ thoughts and putting others before myself?

How many things have I lowered myself and felt lowly of myself even if I was so good at things I do even if I were the best

That day at bedtime, I asked HuaiHao what is his dream and I told him what is mine

I want to do a Netflix chefs table series on Chinese or simply chefs in the Asian region

I want to see my name in the credit list

I want to interview the chefs by myself

I want to go do stories that touch people to tears and inspired them to change- like how I have myself

I think in doing this, I heal creatively

using my own way and also inspired healing in others

On weekends, we walked.

Most times, we walked to MBS. But first, warming up!

Then the kids will have breakfast or brunch. They fell in love with a quaint japanese cafe and its fish burgers and fries. On another week, we headed to Meidi Ya for bento sets. But had to dine out in the open following the rules sets by the government. Dining out holding on to food isn’t something the kids were exposed to, so I m sure they will remember this for a long time to come.

We had fun walking , another time towards Jewel and had Shake Shack in Jewel.

The next morning, we walked towards MBS but facing impending rain, ran away. In the rain, Huaihao prayed for the rain to stop. I reminded him that we used to put our hands out in the rain to feel the rain. And we did. Then he sang, “rain rain go away, come again another day, little huaihao wants to play, rain rain go away.”

On national day, we headed out early and walked to MBS, its a routine that the kids have gotten accustomed to and this time they won daddy’s challenge and got for themselves an açai on their own.

We then picking out bento sets at Meidi Ya and continued with a virtual reality game, before finding a bike and heading back to the marina area, taking away Putien and dining out in the open with millipedes, centipedes and ants, while watching the F15 fighter jets fly past and the fireworks display. We saw the full moon too!

Every week, we will make it a point to head over to Grandpa’s and Ah Yi’s for dinner, we always ordered food in and Huaihao and Qinzhi would have some time with grandpa and yiyi. Its extremely precious these times. And they were always in for treats because yiyi always had the great food delivered to her and the kids would have the opportunity to try.

Other times , popo and ah yi would cook and get grandpa to deliver food to us. I told the kids about how my mom loved ah hui ayi’s curry and now i would slurp up every inch of the curry ah yi cooks. Its precious food that would make me tear up simply tasting it. Hitting you right at heart/ Like this ah yi cooked this afternoon for us, a dish of braised pork. She knows Hao loves pigeon eggs but couldn’t get them after many times.

Huaihao loves durians too and I’ll get the cleanest ones I can get, from a biodynamic farm in Malaysia.

Bedtime with Huaihao.

We talked about the Netflix documentary Tales of Light, in which we saw child labour in India and the full brunt of it, children in sweatshops living precariously, children being abandoned, children making balloons—a thing of joy but they themselves having to exchange their health for these things having to bear with the toxic fumes.

We talked about why we are born here and now, and some others are born elsewhere. And I offered one explanation of thought—karma.

Gave Huaihao a few examples and he concluded, “You are who you are today because of your actions of yesterday.”

Wow.

Yesterday Huaihao took time to massage me. He gave me a shoulder massage for about 40 minutes and we spoke. I asked him how does he feel when mommy is tired, and he says, “sad”

I tried to massage his legs while he is massaging my shoulders and he takes my hands off and says, “just relax”. I asked him to stop after a while, or his hands might feel tired and he says, “its ok and it doesn’t even compare to what i do for me” and “its ok, anything that can make you feel better, just relax”

And then the machine calls for me and the kids help me out. I feel really blessed then. And Huaihao packs the sofa and the dining area and dries the kitchen top.

He says, “anything that can help mommy.” 

That is battery , that gave me the realisation and almost, its a discovery—-because it opened my mind again, that whatever was past never should be in the present. 

Huaihao gave me the courage to acknowledge this and to carry this out.

HuaiHao did raindrop for me this afternoon and I slept like a baby. It has been a week since and 5 days worth of it. After the session, i would nap. I said thank you to him many times and he said that if its good for mommy he would do it. At bedtime we were talking about me and sometimes low energy tired body, and I asked him what I can do, he said to me :” I will do raindrop!”

On another day, he said at bedtime to me: I don’t like you but I love you

If anything , its how grown up Huaihao is now.

In another bedtime conversation with HuaiHao. I told him that I want to sleep every night on a clean slate and he says yes

“And there’s no storm hiding the clouds” , he added.

Exactly so

I m not sure if they will but maybe the kids will remember this season of Covid, where we are not allowed to dine in and have to take away and find spots for eating.

HuaiHao broke the crystal Mr Ng gave to me accidentally.

I was very sad and explained to him my connection with Mr Ng. The one who listened to me with his fill presence like no other will. Who did not heal me yet helped me heal myself and taught me the most about healing.

I told HuaiHao about this all and couldn’t help breaking out in tears. He too. He apologized to me and kissed me and said softly : I m sorry mommy. I really am.

I asked him what was in his mind after listening to me tell him this story. He said: “ sad. Because it’s like—— I broke your heart.”

Forget

Forget

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In the first few moments of being awake, I heard a voice say:

Let the keloids forget about itching, about creating pus

I expanded on this line of thought- let the hands forget (about the habit memory program of) scratching

I allowed this and created this in the first place

It’s an addiction, habit that I fall into when I get stressed up and for the keloids to get inflamed

And along the same line, let the body forget about fear shame guilt or for that matter anything! Anything that does not serve me now.

These are all a response to a certain past

I consciously make the decision to stay and be/ in the present

12 Years 6 Months

12 Years 6 Months

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Its been a close to 1 plus months since we moved in and Qinzhi has been enjoying her own room, space is great, in fact Qinzhi is loving her own space. Once Daddy was working night and I invited the kids to bunk in with me, with Qinzhi couldn’t sleep, at the end she headed back into her own space.

Where once she needed us, now she needed her own space more.

One weekend, we woke up at 6am on the public holiday and headed off towards the beach, striving for MBS and Dad gave everyone a treat without us requesting.During which, he apologised to Qinzhi. He told Qinzhi about his story when he young and explained how because of those experiences, he was acting out of those experiences.

I was observing Qinzhi and she was on the brink of tears, but she sort of controlled them.

Another week, we headed over to the Jewel, finding east and the sun in our walk.

Yet on another weekend, we found rain in our footsteps and we had to be at ease and patient with the rain in the underpass.

On yet another we walked to MBS and had the kids’ favourite breakfast of fish burger. Another week, we picked up bento sets and found another outdoor area, then pigged in. It was nothing the kids had before—experiences like these,

There was nowhere to eat at but in the open, with Covid playing out and rules and restrictions in place. Still, it falls nothing short of a great experience really and I believe the kids will remember in time to come.

Qinzhi says, when the sun rises, you rise too. So simple so beautiful so powerful—— qinzhi’s captured the feeling of rising.

On a weekend, we walked to MBS but she went too quickly and in the midst of it, felt faint. I motivated her to walk to get up and go —- no matter how tired how strengthless how much she needed water

She stopped on the bridge and we talked. We saw the national day flypasts of the jets and we talked

Maybe in time, Qinzhi will remember or forget this. But we shared these moments together.

Meanwhile, I took Qinzhi to trim her hair. And while fear is in her habit, she managed to get past and let me know that she did like her new look.

I prepared a shower gel with EO for her and asked her to prepare a tag. She did this which I love greatly not knowing why

But afterwards realised that—QInzhi’s gone completely opposite of what I would do, where I was efficient she was extremely great at taking her time, when i pursued the best of results listening to what my Mommy wanted me to, she took it her way. When I did not treasure myself, she said this and reminded me to

And now I do, it’s about (learning and trying your best to remember to never let go of) appreciating and loving oneself no matter what.

Walking (II)

Walking (II)

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It’s rainy today but the lessons while I get walking are amazing

. Allow

Had big and little tensions in my head as I walked and I learned to walk with them. What is in them? What constitutes them? What message will they bring for me?

And as I practiced allowing , the tensions moved and soon after were gone.

I use this to practice allowing and openness this way.

. Opening Up

And to keep expanding and push open the boundaries of my heart so that anything— and everything is allowed

. No need to conclude

As feelings , pain , tensions come and go , I saw that maybe we needn’t have to make conclusions why things are so

Can we just watch observe and allow? Maybe it might help more. And this brings me back to the Tibetan schools of meditation on turning everything into a support for awareness practice or meditation.

Because when we go in and work with any thoughts, we get entangled and it take so much more to snap out.

Because even if we tried to make sense, it might be just one point of view—- our own, which has stemmed from our programs beliefs prejudices—- and so even if we tried to make sense , how accurate and how close are them to truth and reality would our decisions be? At most, they are judgments.

The way to freedom might really be to just observe without attachments.

. Be free

The birds played fly in the sky. Circling close by around me above me

Like a reminder of sorts: you can be free too!

It brings out the possibility of goodness we all yearn and want to work towards but somehow sometime gave up in life

. So Tiny

These birds are so tiny

The sky so vast. But they did not give up on flying even if so

Why – do we even think of giving up or succumbing ?

. Mind and Breath

I come to appreciate the connection between mind and breath.

So subtle yet so obvious

When the breath is regulated the mind is clear. It is when the breath is messed up, the mind follows with confusion.

Sometimes, the mind is confused , and the breath messes up. Then get into a cycle marked by imbalance.

To get things back into balance, we can either start by clearing the mind or regulating the breath.

I tried with the mind- to sort. But thinking can easily lead to overthinking and the brain heating up.

So bringing the mind to the belly May be a good starting point

https://fb.watch/7rxGt3rE2k/

. Power of the breath

And if we persevere and bring awareness to this practice, we will reap good results.

We will and we can!

Trust the self !

. A word on soul contracts

“Thus before incarnation, you met with those souls with whom you had negative patterns to clear, and they all agreed to meet with you at certain times during your incarnation and thus be with you, and mostly would come in the role of challenger and also supporter – whatever role is most necessary at the time, for you own highest soul growth and good. For indeed the soul remains pure, as the Divine Created it – it is only during incarnations on earth, that the soul adopts certain actor’s roles and thus plays this out, and thus the persona attached to it. Yet, the persona and the roles which are being played out, are not the purest truth of the soul. Unless the soul wakes up completely and then authentically starts living the highest soul truth. Remember, that even the agreement to meet with you, to dissolve such negative patterns created in other lifetimes, indeed are acts of pure, unconditional love. They would not have taken on the roles if it was not out of purity of the soul’s intent and indeed unconditional love. ” Copyright Applies: excerpt from a Soul Reading done by me.Judith Kusel

Walking (I)

Walking (I)

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Did a simple meditation last night before bedtime and it was good

It was my way of connecting with myself and usually amazing things come out of it

I have never thought about Sunrise as a gift and how Receiving it brings immense intense joy.

Such as a voice that went: you are only your father’s daughter in this lifetime. Is there even any need to be/continue to feel ashamed?

Hahaha

I heard myself say no

I cur away the spiritual contract I or my soul has signed with him before I entered into this existence

It felt slightly laughable and I thought myself silly. It’s been so for so many years. The ego was — no doubt at work.

I wanted to wake up and walk by myself and I did

I have never thought about Sunrise as a gift and how Receiving it brings immense intense joy.

But today.

I almost felt like myself shaken so very moved and on the brink of tears.

Why?

Maybe because of the Hope and the opportunity the Sun brings or this thing about starting out anew afresh.

I guess deep down we all want to so very badly

But we think we can’t or there’s no other way to re-start

But sunrise makes us feel the zest the gusto once more

Daring us to dream and to work for ourselves once more

Don’t give up. Never give up.

In today’s sunrise, there is pursuit.

We are all chasing after something with the sun

Saw birds flying and swooshing around in the sky

Harbingers of freedom they are

I want to be free

At some point of walking, I felt like

I wanted to walk with the pain

I recalled conversations with J with SH and my very own

There were some inklings of flashbacks of the past in I-don’t-know-when

All of the anguish hatred painful suffering that I have consciously or unconsciously been made aware of or felt ever since my soul came into being or ever since there was time

My intention is to walk with them to liberate them and in so doing honoring them

And then they can no longer affect me

I can be free

I tried to breathe into my keloid the cyst in my belly the strain in my neck

Breathing in oxygen sun and cocreating the effect of healing with nature

Which brings me back to my conversation with HuaiHao yesterday night

I told him that I want to sleep every night on a clean slate and he says yes

“And there’s no storm hiding the clouds” , he added.

Exactly so

He says, “ I don’t like you but I love you”

Old (iii)

Old (iii)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Papa, I am sorry but I had to admit that I was once so ashamed to be your daughter . I didn’t want to have anything to do with you then. Maybe you knew too because you apologized to me and us three.

The feeling of being ashamed of being my father’s daughter and more than that—-how it led me to become the person I m today popped up in a self reiki session yesterday

This was something huge

Perhaps I knew an inkling but the sheerness of how my life has been steered as a result of those feelings—— were gigantic and created upheavals in my system

It was so tumultuous my system couldn’t take it

I was confused, in denial, shocked, unhappy, disappointed with myself for having not been conscious —- and angry at the turn of events and at myself and at him

I couldn’t be “on” and kept wanting to shut down . I couldn’t lift my head

I felt fear in my heart

And these are the very reflection of my internal states

The feeling of being ashamed ——— has so much might it can destroy you

I tried very hard to bring this feeling to light and proactively manage it, first by feeling it in its whole

Not to be guilty or ashamed of this feeling but to acknowledge it own it honour it’s presence

It did come in a point in time and culminated in the person I m today

I own them fully!

It was hard work but today I felt it almost gone

Like another mountain scaled

I thought back about my own intentions of wanting to do inner work. I did.

And I thank the universe the creator the angels who have been with me in this process.

Thank you for the opportunity and the full spectrum of emotions unleashed released appreciated realized. They have always been with me all this while in my body my subconscious my consciousness but never did I experience them as fully as now

A few days ago I started intending this: I make the conscious decision to be and with the present.

It is a precious intention, reminder and affirmation

Onwards and forwards to awareness and shine!

Old (ii)

Old (ii)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Woke up in the morning with the sun on my left.

I recalled what I said to Huaihao yesterday night before we slept. I said that the moon is on my left at night and so is the sun in the morning, how nice is that to be with the moon at moon and the sun in the morning? And when you look out, lying down, its the skies you see, lit by moonlight.

How easy is it? To find a unit like this. The unit finds you.

This morning I wanted to do some kriyas, and I did. Then reiki on myself. As usual, like how my teachers did, to set an intention and to ask the creator or angels or the gods who have been supporting me to preside over this session for healing and for myself.

When I moved to my heart center, understanding and realisation came to— me.

SH’s words of stepping up to take care of his daughters came to mind now that J is unwell. That sentence hit me when i heard it but i couldn’t say how and why. Until now in this session of self reiki. And it made me realise how powerful this session is and can be.

I was triggered not knowing until now.

I was in a similar situation. Mom was sick in hospital, in ICU as well, and that was when I needed direction, care and support, or love or security, —-I and probably my siblings wanted that —-so very much, even if I we did not verbalise it, dared not verbalise it, didn’t know how to verbalise this.

I remembered Mr Ng’s words: Always ask yourself—-why did this affect you? trigger you? what is it in this that is so affecting you? For other people this may not even matter. Because, just because you have something in you.

And so I have.

I find myself wanting SH to step up and do more, and asking myself if that is what J wants. Then it dawned on me—this is what I wanted in my time of that situation.

It does not matter what SH does or what J wants, TPY. I heard myself say.

Its what I want or wanted.

I wanted my dad to step up but I didn’t get that.

He failed me. He failed my expectations of him. I expected highly of him. But he didn’t reach my expectations. He didn’t take good care of mommy, he didn’t love her honour her appreciate her, he left it all to her and went away, when she passed on, i shouldered lots. He did not step up when I needed it most. Instead I had to cover for what was lacking. He didn’t do what I expected him to, what I expected him to.

He failed me considerably.

And I am ashamed to be his daughter I heard myself say.

That was what I felt then.

And I feel ashamed of having that feeling. I didn’t own it honour it. At that point in time.

And now I have come to.

And THIS, is BIG for me. This feeling then and now seeing this realisation.

And I have come to realise that what I did was to go on to cover up for this lack in my life as best I can. At work I went on to be the best and clinched the top position whenever I could, in person I made myself the goody the model I kept to standards and did the best I could—— even if I couldn’t and didn’t want to

Not knowing that this all stemmed from this lack.

And because the motivation was to cover up, to make up for a less illustrious past, I just couldn’t be proud of my achievements no matter how good how shining I was in my field. I was tired out because when I abandoned myself when I chose to adhere to standards or let some others have their way

Even if I were at the top, I was not proud of myself. Even when all were happy, I was not.

The motivation was just so wrong. To begin with. It was borne out of a lack and resulted in a less wholesome or fulfilling effect.

I heard myself rant at my dad for failing me, I ranted at him for his choices and I said all the things I might have some 20 years back, for failing me disappointing me, shaming me.

And that was me then. At that age with what knowledge of the world and what little wisdom I have.

In my habit, I tried to rationalize and go on to understanding my dad and why he did what he did. But do I have to really? As me at that point in time.

I took some moments to experience these and to allow them kin my body. All these that were not expressed or released then. I took the chance to allow them honour them. And—- let them go.

These realisations were huge. In a seemingly normal session, but so so so powerful. I thought of the headaches and mind fog I had.

I had been triggered unknowingly. And set myself into a state of dis-ease.

The old, it has a certain flavour in the mouth, something deep and difficult to rid of in the breath. In the mind, they arise as headaches, fogs, confusion, dis-ease and tiredness. And a feeling of blockage and inability to feel or numbness.

What was it? I kept asking.

And thinking wasn’t good.

Having a space to emptiness brought me answers and much needed relief and understanding to my pain and my needs.

Logically, I knew that my father had to make those choices because he only had those tools. Because so did I. I made those choices I had out of what little understanding I had out of the situation and —so did he.

If I wanted a way out badly, so did he.

For once, I felt I have succeeded at transcending and overcoming that hill of an experience. Like I climbed over a mountain.

I choose to forgive myself and to release all these ill informed or unwholesome intentions and actions and whatever has resulted from it all.

I give myself the opportunity to start afresh and in emptiness.

I m grateful for this session and this opportunity and I want to for once, right it. Too grateful and privileged to have the opportunity to restart, kickstart!

And now, I m and want to begin to be proud of myself——the point I start living and acting out of what I really want for myself, not because of the programs of habits or under the effect of experiences .

And i happen to see this: To deal with anything is to engage and entangle. Endless.—from John.

Sadhguru:”don’t make conclusions in your life”

It reminds me of what John says, “keep things open, once you make a conclusion, you collapse into only just one possibility, “

And so, I understand I have come into this because I wanted to be these situations to learn from them. And now, I cut away all karmic ties and connections, all spiritual contracts that I have made before this time.