Happy Vesak 2021

I have a lot going in me this last half of the year.

Probably attributed and “helped” by the shift from Redhill to Marine Crescent. The “exercise” “helped” me inspect and reflect and “helped” me decide on this thing about making a conscious choice and shaping my reality or my life proactively.

In many other ways I was “made” and forced to get into “practicing” these above, because of how I experienced my marriage.

Moving here changed him, deflated him, robbed him of his energy and liveliness, I see for myself how he delved into lows after lows, sullen and quiet, deflated, very low.

His state of low affected us greatly. A while ago, when Huaihao was at John’s, he asked Uncle John, “what can we do when papa is quiet?”

Even yesterday, Qinzhi was “complaining” to her friend about her dad, to nanny about her dad, and in her voice, there was lots of anguish.

I felt a lot of pain in that voice and i felt anger at my husband again, that in his own state, he negatively affected his closest, or my kids whom are so so so precious to me, who didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this treatment.

Neither did I.

I went from being angry, upset, questioning why and trying to help at the beginning to taking a step back, to using these opportunities to train myself to open up , to looking at another perspective, to understanding that perhaps we all chose this lesson.

It was so so hard, but in so many middle-of-the-nights, mantras and buddhas came into my mind and gave me strength and hope and the much needed healing and consolation I needed.

I learned about space. About giving myself and others space, about observing and honouring processes rather than trying to intervene and putting my will onto someone’s process.

I keep reading about the shift that is happening to mankind, how the solar eclipses, how the higher energies are coming through, how we are being “helped” by these energies to reflect on the old that do not serve us any longer, and to let go of them.

And yesterday, looking back at my trip to dharamsala, my meetings with dalai lamai, i thought again about khadro-la and my meeting with her.

i tried to go back to that space when she put the white scarf on me, and that was like a switch to open me up to the past.

it was like an initiation of sorts, a speed up of sorts that I needed and was given to me. in the half hour or so I was with her, i cried like a baby, i saw myself across different lifetimes even if my eyes were open and I was crying, so many flashbacks so many scenes like that of a movie.

it was like what John said—experiencing time warping folding

i was moving into the different realities all at the same time. it was a spectacular experience, dreamlike, it was about possibilities and the inexplicable multi realities and multiverses of life.

There was a lot going on, pain, anger, frustration, but in front of khadro-la, they were erased, in front of her, I could accept all of these

And what was in khadro-la that let me feel this way I asked, I cannot imagine the unconditional love she had, the compassion she embodies, or the very truth she represents in the fullness of her being, so much that in her very presence, everything “becomes” okay.

Extremely powerful

People say that you cannot undo things, but in those moments, as I went through my lifetimes, and in all the crying and in experiencing khadro-la’s beauty, kindness, love, they just dissolve away into nothingness.

i was looking into her eyes and she was looking into mine, it is as if she’s saying, “its ok, its ok, I know, its ok”

My heart sang in great joy:”Teacher,I finally found you again! ”

I tried to think about the feeling when the Dalai Lama entered the hall, and it was magic as well.

I thought about Mr Ng as well. I thought about the very first time I saw him at Hougang in a centre, then my last session with him and I cried so hard.

I m extremely thankful to him and the things he gave me, space—- to be myself, space to experience, the spaces to be heard.

And these all let me see my light.

In the middle of the night, I prayed and this time, I discovered the difference,

“Thank you dear buddhas and bodhisattvas, for always being with us, to guide us, bless us, protect us, heal us.”

The difference is not asking but affirming. I know they have been with me.

Recently I read a lot about the highest life expression one can have, like this:

” If you surrender into your highest life expression and stay in that flow with your faith and trust, you become a willing participant to discover miraculous solutions and move into your most magical intersections. You will always be poised and ready to be swept into alignment with your highest potentials whenever they are energetically supported. And you will be at peace with your now moment when nothing is happening, which offers energetic support to both you and your planet, which can only serve your tomorrows.”

What is my highest life expression?

With awareness, I know the rest is just unimportant, and not worth investing time and effort. I needed those lessons, those experiences, they were here for me, I learnt things, I experienced many, and its time to let them go

I m ready to open myself up to a simpler life, say my truth, use my experiences to share my light and go back to less conceptual knowing.

Happy Vesak !

A Small Song of Yearning: Calling the Lama From Afar (Listen here: https://tsoknyirinpoche.org/all-retreats/chants/)

Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear! Essence of the Buddhas in the threefold times. Kind root guru … greatest Vajradhara.
Lord of siddhas, hear me! Lama hear me! Lama hear!

Bless me to hold no hatred … no hatred for my enemies. Bless me not to cling … not to cling to any friend.
Bless me to let this bias subside … this bias subside naturally. Bless me to cut the ties … cut the ties, the eight concerns.