Bedtime chats with HuaiHao is always enlightening and therapeutic.
One day after ruffling the feathers of 2 seniors who planned to help me with setting up a business entity. I spoke to Huaihao at bedtime.
And he said to me ,”But mom, you have to take care of yourself first before you go to work, take care of your all being first! Do you know that there’s a little bird who can handle an angry rhino? The bird will peck at the rhino’s back.”
Well I know not about this bird rhino connection. Now I do.
So i turned my back to Huaihao and let him scratch my back. Then I asked him to throw away what he scratched. And to my surprise, he said, “but the bird will eat it because its food!”
Its such a wonderful story of how nature has it all planned out, there’s always something to take care of something. And there’s always a way out
There’s always one who can hold the support for another, as seen in nature. Synchronized.
Now that I m writing this, I reflect on the nights we have all these talks, and find huaihao telling me so much about sharks giraffes , animals and their behavior or characteristics —— information he garnered from Young Scientist
I just didn’t have the sense to pick them up!
One Saturday, I brought HuaiHao to zenxin and he’s got the chance to experience the cold room and to pick up produce directly and see what goes on before the produce reaches the supermarket shelves
We had fun!
Otherwise, Saturdays are spent hitting the roads for our jog walks and brunch before heading to furniture stores
One weekend, I took HuaiHao out and we spent goos time together , going to where HuaiHao likes to and what he wants to eat
Huaihao’s a pretty much handicraft person , he’s recently caught on origami and would follow you tube to get the folding done
Otherwise he would make these little daggers belts etc and imagine himself a ninja 😊
He’s the only one who made me a Mother’s Day card this year and surprised me right before we head off to a staycay to celebrate dad’s birthday
HuaiHao handed these to me and wished me happy Mother’s Day.
A few days earlier I asked HuaiHao if we should celebrate dad’s birthday and he says yes. Because otherwise he would be sad that no one is caring about him
And we ate Spanish tapas for dinner and asked HuaiHao to give daddy a hug
Guess what he wrote in the card: control the emotions and not let the emotions control you!
When we did the staycay at Fairmont. He hugged n kissed me and massaged me. The next day, I took HuaiHao out for an early morning walk and we observed people play tennis.
Time spent with HuaiHao is like tome with an angel. Simple pure sweet loving
The last picture, he did a love for me and said, “ for your eyes only”.
When we headed out to the supermarket, and I had the marks of heavy carrying he tried to give me his style of reiki 😊 this is one new age sensitive boy!
And HuaiHao is great at packing and making things neat and tidy. He says, “ I always like to be neat and tidy “
And this time of the year, we are into Home based learning for the second time with rising Covid infections in the community
On another night, i told HuaiHao about how daddy offered me a solution to repairing a water damaged macbook, and reinforced that when we meet issues we cannot handle, we can always say it out and ask for help and opinions.
To which he said, “yes you can express it out!”
I thank Huaihao for sharing all this with me at bedtime and asked for a kiss.
It is so good to chat with him!
Then he told me he is a brave boy, because that’s day at the dentist, he felt uncomfortable and told Dr Cameron about it. And i said to him, “I m so proud of you! “
So many at times we felt things inside but didn’t dare say. Each time the kids express, I feel like a part of me opened.
I shared with HuaiHao that while the dentist is offering a service cleaning his teeth, it doesn’t mean that Huaihao being a little boy has to be afraid of him, and can’t have a voice , the dentist can then adjust and make the cleaning process more comfortable.
These days at Marine Crescent, Huaihao would go to the window and shout bye bye to dad when he goes to work, then he would come back sulking, because daddy would respond to him.
It’s 13 levels down.
I asked Huaihao, do you think dad can hear you? He nodded his head.
“But why does he not want to acknowledge and look up? I m so sad, so disappointed !”
I asked Huaihao why would he want to shout bye-bye 13 levels down? And he says, “I just want to let him feel something nice before he goes to work “
I took the opportunity to speak to Huaihao about this, using my own experience, that up till now, I would have some sort of expectation, when I did something and think people would reciprocate in the same measure. But no, because not everyone thinks or feels the same.
To which he says, “Yes, its like you feel so strongly about it, and to them its just feeling so light”
This is what makes friends or people who think the same, precious. Because you resonate with each other. And I asked Huaihao, do you then, not do what you set out to do? Not heed that voice in your heart, that thing you want to do in your mind?
And he says, no, he will still do it, “because you will need to have resilience!”
“Yes, Huaihao”, I said, “because its not about them, its about us!”
And I learnt so much from HuaiHao and qinzhi
One night when I was so upset with daddy I threw his pillows on his mattress
It was Huaihao who took the initiative to tidy for his papa
I asked if he isn’t upset with the way papa was harsh to him? And he says, “ of course and I wasn’t even naughty, I wasn’t even that loud.. but it’s ok la . Take it as showing care”
When I took the kids to see John, John asked if the kids had any more questions
And HuaiHao asked, “ and what do we do when papa is silent and keeps quiet?”
I feel my heart cry when I heard that coming out of a child ‘s mouth
He needn’t have to worry or take care of an adult’s emotions
But still , he was trying to help and to see if he can do anything.
And John says, he is just like me and qinzhi like daddy
Another night we were talking, Huaihao said, “ papa’s heart is like metal, cold cold, like no emotions one , mommy like fire”
He says , “he doesn’t not know how it let go of emotional stress and keeps it inside. Normally people angry takes just one day, but he lets it go on for days and days and days.
He says we r stubborn but he is so stubborn, if he wants to be happy, he is not doing what he needs to be happy.”
I wonder what is the stuff he is made of
But children knows. And so much better than us adults, and earlier. Any attempt at masking anything is futile.
I can’t help but think about my mom, who has been shielding us from the realities back in time. Thinking that was the best for us—- for us not to know. But we do at some time.
But I look at my kids and see they have evolved at an even earlier age
Another at night when we chatted, HuaiHao gave me a quick massage and reiki-ed my hand which is beaten by a sandfly
We chat and I tell him I feel beaten, because qinzhi told me about the mini events she still has. I ask HuaiHao to pray and sand pinky love to qinzhi just as he did to me
I say as I always do, “ dear guru Rinpoche, guanyin, medicine Buddha, please transform this space we are in, into a sacred space and let us all heal at the deepest level and at all levels of our existence . Pls heal qinzhi HuaiHao…”
And then he chips in, “ what about you mommy? You should take care of yourself first! Why didn’t you mention yourself?”
I say, “because qinzhi and HuaiHao are so important to me!”
And he says, “ but there’s one mommy”
I haven’t felt this for a very long time, the feeling of myself as prized, as if being carried on the palm. HuaiHao reminded me to cherish myself and made me see how I am enough already—- being mommy to him and being me
On another night, as we lay down, Huaihao put himself on me and says:” I will be your blanket.”
Another night at 2am when i went in to sleep, I cannot help but whisper I love you, and he actually heard it and said, “I love you too”
One time we were chatting, and I said, had i not done the things I did in the time I did, my baby wouldn’t have been Huaihao. To which he nodded and said, “yes mommy, the 1 sec made all the difference to having Huaihao!”
One night , I told HuaiHao I have been asking myself this qns —-who is the person I m going to create ?
Because Huaihao’s been telling me and showing me all these wonderful Lego creations he did that could transform
As I write about them now, I realized the message from the source is channeled to me through HuaiHao – through these times he took to me and wanted me to listen to his creations and what they could do .
I told HuaiHao I was inspired by his creations and ask myself , who is the TPY I can transform into? Who is the TPY I can create?
And HuaiHao says: “be yourself! Be Mommy.”
And I asked him: “Who is myself?”
I do not know exactly what yet. But I told Huaihao:” How about something I haven’t tried and haven’t yet been? Like dressing up in flowery dresses or cut a sleek figure bathed in sun tanned skin? “
What is it that I haven’t yet been? Or maybe, the opposite of what I have been.
It’s about expression, expressing what I feel at heart, rather than keeping it down. Thank you HuaiHao for shaping me and helping me find TPY.
Now that I am reading again Huaihao’s words, Be Yourself Be Mommy, i get it. I thought all he’s just saying is he wants me to be mommy. But now, I hear it. Our level of appreciation or understanding really hinges on our level of open-mindedness .
Be yourself Be Mommy is about being unreservedly and truthfully yourself.
It’s expressing to the fullest who you are, even for the smallest things. Realising this made me think of the times I suppress my thoughts and emotions, when I went ahead doing so even if I knew its not right.
I look at Huaihao as he sleeps soundly, and a thought came to my understanding ——
If i cannot be TPY, if i hold back cut back on who I am , if i withhold, because of what it is outside, and because of habits, systems programmes experiences, then how can i tell my kids about living? How can i teach them to be brave or bold and never to be thwarted?
If I am not me, how can I teach my kids, to be them? To love life?
Its living by example and they are my light, my muse, my inspiration. Like what John says, the kids are starseeds or crystal kids, who have come to us to enlighten us.
Writing like this makes me marvel at what I have, life.
I prayed for HuaiHao to be light and to have a pregnancy which gave me the opportunity to do what I didn’t have a chance to before
Then I found myself pregnant
HuaiHao is the inspiration to look for new pathways possibilities newness and about becoming.
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