Qinzhi told me that she still has mini experiences of absence seizure

It came so easily out of her mouth, so as-if-it-were-nothing- it truly shattered me

She said that when she is at a loss with math and science, dealing with things she does not like, when she gets into a heated argument and is angry, when she is at a loss

She experiences these minis

And it’s after us moving to this location.

One night we had a chat. I asked Qinzhi if she can feel what people felt in their hearts and she nodded her head. 

Qinzhi says that she can feel everything in people around her, like popo is worried about archer and asher, how she felt her math teacher chide her for not knowing the basics, how she felt her dad’s emotions.

And that is upsetting her because she’s too preoccupied with these and makes her worry and not know what to do. I and reminded of the literature i studied in my secondary school days <Chrysalids> It speaks about people who can read into others’ minds.

It looks like my children can.

Shouldn’t I be happy?

I find myself so caught—Just when i thought life can be normal, she announced this as if it were nothing

I told my husband and he got mad in a hurry

“It’s up to you, I cannot deal with stubborn people”

Is there still space for anger?

I don’t even have the luxury! All I can think of is what wHAT WHAT I can do more do better what I have not done enough?

How I can help my Qinzhi?

I feel helpless frustrated and all by myself

And I saw this

Its highly enlightening, frees me.

I took Qinzhi to John again and he says that there is nothing wrong with my princess. In fact she has a very high IQ, its just her way of dealing with things. But he sees that she has matured so much more already in her way of handling problems.

On weekends, we continue our walk-jogs, search for furniture,

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And on fridays, i spend some girly time with Qinzhi after picking her from her CCA, we head for some food and drinks. We chat about everything, and discover friends in each other.

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Before long, its daddy’s birthday, I did a staycay and brought the kids out to dinner. The few days before, I asked Qinzhi if we should celebrate and this is what she said.

“Yes! Because there’s just one dad in the whole wide world and 要学会珍惜”

And they made this card

Seeing and hearing Qinzhi made me think of some of the times when bf scolded Qinzhi badly. It hurt me so much i demanded him to apologise to Qinzhi immediately.

And even now, I still do feel the anger and would demand him to apologise to my dear Qinzhi, gift of God to me.

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After dinner we took a walk back to the hotel and Qinzhi took these photos. Then we sang a birthday song and I asked Qinzhi to hug daddy.

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I don’t know what I did to have these lovely kids with me, but I did think I must have done something right to have the privilege to be with them and to learn from them.

Qinzhi is always like a leader and big sister. In school, her friends vote her for an empathy award. At home, she stands up for me when she feels that I m being bullied or not helped by daddy. She stands up for the weak and helps Huaihao when he whines, when he loses his things and have trouble finding, she cleans up his mess when he breaks a packet of water on the floor.

Qinzhi has a very kind and big heart and she doesn’t take grudges.

She takes up too much responsibility and unnecessary burden on herself——–just like how I have taken these on me.

When we went to John , he had this advice for her: “Focus on Yourself, you cannot live happy if you live another’s life.”

And he told her: “Kids are very powerful and can shift reality”

I m very grateful to be guided in times of need.

Recently, Qinzhi had the chance to get into FB and is looking into her old photos and commenting on them. This time. she’s just completed her mid year exams and we got into another tightened measure phase starting the kids on Home Based Learning in view of the rising cases of COVID in the community.

This is day 1 of home based learning

And at this age, qinzhi is beginning to enjoy Kpop drama.

These days when I walk side by side with Qinzhi, she’s like my girlfriend now, I can wear her old clothes which are small for her developing build. We chat about everything and anything.

I love holding her hands with mine and feeling it, experiencing it. I hope she remembers this feeling of mommy holding her hands.

When I was at my weakest, it was Qinzhi’s hand that gave me energy warmth and strength. Holding hands is the loveliest sharing of energy, emotion and love.

I can’t thank you enough Qinzhi for picking me as Mommy. Let’s get healthier together, both physically and mentally. I love you Qinzhi!!!