I forgive everyone who has ever hurt or harmed me, Consciously or unconsciously In this life or any other. In every plane, level or dimension known or unknown. I offer them Grace.
I ask for forgiveness for anyone I have ever hurt or harmed, Consciously or unconsciously In this life or any other. In every plane, level or dimension known or unknown. I ask for Grace.
I forgive myself for anything I have ever done to hurt or harm myself and another, consciously or unconsciously In this life or any other In this universe or any other. In every plane, level or dimension known or unknown. I accept Grace. I am free. All chains and restrictions fall from me. I stand in my power as a master.
I have a lot going in me this last half of the year.
Probably attributed and “helped” by the shift from Redhill to Marine Crescent. The “exercise” “helped” me inspect and reflect and “helped” me decide on this thing about making a conscious choice and shaping my reality or my life proactively.
In many other ways I was “made” and forced to get into “practicing” these above, because of how I experienced my marriage.
Moving here changed him, deflated him, robbed him of his energy and liveliness, I see for myself how he delved into lows after lows, sullen and quiet, deflated, very low.
His state of low affected us greatly. A while ago, when Huaihao was at John’s, he asked Uncle John, “what can we do when papa is quiet?”
Even yesterday, Qinzhi was “complaining” to her friend about her dad, to nanny about her dad, and in her voice, there was lots of anguish.
I felt a lot of pain in that voice and i felt anger at my husband again, that in his own state, he negatively affected his closest, or my kids whom are so so so precious to me, who didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this treatment.
Neither did I.
I went from being angry, upset, questioning why and trying to help at the beginning to taking a step back, to using these opportunities to train myself to open up , to looking at another perspective, to understanding that perhaps we all chose this lesson.
It was so so hard, but in so many middle-of-the-nights, mantras and buddhas came into my mind and gave me strength and hope and the much needed healing and consolation I needed.
I learned about space. About giving myself and others space, about observing and honouring processes rather than trying to intervene and putting my will onto someone’s process.
I keep reading about the shift that is happening to mankind, how the solar eclipses, how the higher energies are coming through, how we are being “helped” by these energies to reflect on the old that do not serve us any longer, and to let go of them.
And yesterday, looking back at my trip to dharamsala, my meetings with dalai lamai, i thought again about khadro-la and my meeting with her.
i tried to go back to that space when she put the white scarf on me, and that was like a switch to open me up to the past.
it was like an initiation of sorts, a speed up of sorts that I needed and was given to me. in the half hour or so I was with her, i cried like a baby, i saw myself across different lifetimes even if my eyes were open and I was crying, so many flashbacks so many scenes like that of a movie.
it was like what John said—experiencing time warping folding
i was moving into the different realities all at the same time. it was a spectacular experience, dreamlike, it was about possibilities and the inexplicable multi realities and multiverses of life.
There was a lot going on, pain, anger, frustration, but in front of khadro-la, they were erased, in front of her, I could accept all of these
And what was in khadro-la that let me feel this way I asked, I cannot imagine the unconditional love she had, the compassion she embodies, or the very truth she represents in the fullness of her being, so much that in her very presence, everything “becomes” okay.
Extremely powerful
People say that you cannot undo things, but in those moments, as I went through my lifetimes, and in all the crying and in experiencing khadro-la’s beauty, kindness, love, they just dissolve away into nothingness.
i was looking into her eyes and she was looking into mine, it is as if she’s saying, “its ok, its ok, I know, its ok”
My heart sang in great joy:”Teacher,I finally found you again! ”
I tried to think about the feeling when the Dalai Lama entered the hall, and it was magic as well.
I thought about Mr Ng as well. I thought about the very first time I saw him at Hougang in a centre, then my last session with him and I cried so hard.
I m extremely thankful to him and the things he gave me, space—- to be myself, space to experience, the spaces to be heard.
And these all let me see my light.
In the middle of the night, I prayed and this time, I discovered the difference,
“Thank you dear buddhas and bodhisattvas, for always being with us, to guide us, bless us, protect us, heal us.”
The difference is not asking but affirming. I know they have been with me.
Recently I read a lot about the highest life expression one can have, like this:
” If you surrender into your highest life expression and stay in that flow with your faith and trust, you become a willing participant to discover miraculous solutions and move into your most magical intersections. You will always be poised and ready to be swept into alignment with your highest potentials whenever they are energetically supported. And you will be at peace with your now moment when nothing is happening, which offers energetic support to both you and your planet, which can only serve your tomorrows.”
What is my highest life expression?
With awareness, I know the rest is just unimportant, and not worth investing time and effort. I needed those lessons, those experiences, they were here for me, I learnt things, I experienced many, and its time to let them go
I m ready to open myself up to a simpler life, say my truth, use my experiences to share my light and go back to less conceptual knowing.
Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear! Essence of the Buddhas in the threefold times. Kind root guru … greatest Vajradhara. Lord of siddhas, hear me! Lama hear me! Lama hear!
Bless me to hold no hatred … no hatred for my enemies. Bless me not to cling … not to cling to any friend. Bless me to let this bias subside … this bias subside naturally. Bless me to cut the ties … cut the ties, the eight concerns.
Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear!
Bless me not to accumulate … accumulate a lot of worldly goods. Bless me to live in solitude … solitude in mountain dwellings. Bless me to set ablaze … set ablaze the tummo’s blissful warmth. Bless me to turn this magic body … into the form of the deity.
Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear!
Bless me to see my dreams … see my dreams as lucid wakefulness. Bless me to free the bardos … free them into the three kayas. Bless me to see the sameness … the sameness Mahamudra. Bless me to yield this body … yield this body as an offering.
Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear!
Bless me to solve the vital … the most vital instruction. Bless me to see that knowing one … knowing one frees everything. Bless this child to follow … follow her/his father’s footsteps. Bless that mind and wind … mind and wind enter the dhuti’s path.
Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear!
Bless that the channels and the winds … the channels and winds are pliable. Bless me to realize the view … realize the view of T rekchö. Bless me to gain certainty … total certainty in Tögal. Bless me to realize the end … the end of concepts and phenomena.
Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear!
Bless me that all clinging … clinging is immediately cut. Bless me to find the Buddha … find the Buddha in myself. Bless me to guide the beings … guide the beings who have failed to see. Bless me to benefit those … benefit those connected to me.
Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear!
Bless me to liberate those … whose misconceptions clash with dharma. Bless me to churn samsara … churn samsara from its depths. Bless me that my body ripens … ripens into the deity. Bless me to depart … depart in a rainbow body of light.
Lama hear me! Lama hear! Lama hear me! Lama hear!
Repeat the last line one hundred times.
To obey the explicit command of Her Majesty Dechen Drönma, this supplication was written down in a couple of moments as it arose in the mind of an old mendicant who bears the name Gana.
Bedtime chats with HuaiHao is always enlightening and therapeutic.
One day after ruffling the feathers of 2 seniors who planned to help me with setting up a business entity. I spoke to Huaihao at bedtime.
And he said to me ,”But mom, you have to take care of yourself first before you go to work, take care of your all being first! Do you know that there’s a little bird who can handle an angry rhino? The bird will peck at the rhino’s back.”
Well I know not about this bird rhino connection. Now I do.
So i turned my back to Huaihao and let him scratch my back. Then I asked him to throw away what he scratched. And to my surprise, he said, “but the bird will eat it because its food!”
Its such a wonderful story of how nature has it all planned out, there’s always something to take care of something. And there’s always a way out
There’s always one who can hold the support for another, as seen in nature. Synchronized.
Now that I m writing this, I reflect on the nights we have all these talks, and find huaihao telling me so much about sharks giraffes , animals and their behavior or characteristics —— information he garnered from Young Scientist
I just didn’t have the sense to pick them up!
One Saturday, I brought HuaiHao to zenxin and he’s got the chance to experience the cold room and to pick up produce directly and see what goes on before the produce reaches the supermarket shelves
We had fun!
Otherwise, Saturdays are spent hitting the roads for our jog walks and brunch before heading to furniture stores
One weekend, I took HuaiHao out and we spent goos time together , going to where HuaiHao likes to and what he wants to eat
Huaihao’s a pretty much handicraft person , he’s recently caught on origami and would follow you tube to get the folding done
Otherwise he would make these little daggers belts etc and imagine himself a ninja 😊
He’s the only one who made me a Mother’s Day card this year and surprised me right before we head off to a staycay to celebrate dad’s birthday
HuaiHao handed these to me and wished me happy Mother’s Day.
A few days earlier I asked HuaiHao if we should celebrate dad’s birthday and he says yes. Because otherwise he would be sad that no one is caring about him
And we ate Spanish tapas for dinner and asked HuaiHao to give daddy a hug
Guess what he wrote in the card: control the emotions and not let the emotions control you!
When we did the staycay at Fairmont. He hugged n kissed me and massaged me. The next day, I took HuaiHao out for an early morning walk and we observed people play tennis.
Time spent with HuaiHao is like tome with an angel. Simple pure sweet loving
The last picture, he did a love for me and said, “ for your eyes only”.
When we headed out to the supermarket, and I had the marks of heavy carrying he tried to give me his style of reiki 😊 this is one new age sensitive boy!
And HuaiHao is great at packing and making things neat and tidy. He says, “ I always like to be neat and tidy “
And this time of the year, we are into Home based learning for the second time with rising Covid infections in the community
On another night, i told HuaiHao about how daddy offered me a solution to repairing a water damaged macbook, and reinforced that when we meet issues we cannot handle, we can always say it out and ask for help and opinions.
To which he said, “yes you can express it out!”
I thank Huaihao for sharing all this with me at bedtime and asked for a kiss.
It is so good to chat with him!
Then he told me he is a brave boy, because that’s day at the dentist, he felt uncomfortable and told Dr Cameron about it. And i said to him, “I m so proud of you! “
So many at times we felt things inside but didn’t dare say. Each time the kids express, I feel like a part of me opened.
I shared with HuaiHao that while the dentist is offering a service cleaning his teeth, it doesn’t mean that Huaihao being a little boy has to be afraid of him, and can’t have a voice , the dentist can then adjust and make the cleaning process more comfortable.
These days at Marine Crescent, Huaihao would go to the window and shout bye bye to dad when he goes to work, then he would come back sulking, because daddy would respond to him.
It’s 13 levels down.
I asked Huaihao, do you think dad can hear you? He nodded his head.
“But why does he not want to acknowledge and look up? I m so sad, so disappointed !”
I asked Huaihao why would he want to shout bye-bye 13 levels down? And he says, “I just want to let him feel something nice before he goes to work “
I took the opportunity to speak to Huaihao about this, using my own experience, that up till now, I would have some sort of expectation, when I did something and think people would reciprocate in the same measure. But no, because not everyone thinks or feels the same.
To which he says, “Yes, its like you feel so strongly about it, and to them its just feeling so light”
This is what makes friends or people who think the same, precious. Because you resonate with each other. And I asked Huaihao, do you then, not do what you set out to do? Not heed that voice in your heart, that thing you want to do in your mind?
And he says, no, he will still do it, “because you will need to have resilience!”
“Yes, Huaihao”, I said, “because its not about them, its about us!”
And I learnt so much from HuaiHao and qinzhi
One night when I was so upset with daddy I threw his pillows on his mattress
It was Huaihao who took the initiative to tidy for his papa
I asked if he isn’t upset with the way papa was harsh to him? And he says, “ of course and I wasn’t even naughty, I wasn’t even that loud.. but it’s ok la . Take it as showing care”
When I took the kids to see John, John asked if the kids had any more questions
And HuaiHao asked, “ and what do we do when papa is silent and keeps quiet?”
I feel my heart cry when I heard that coming out of a child ‘s mouth
He needn’t have to worry or take care of an adult’s emotions
But still , he was trying to help and to see if he can do anything.
And John says, he is just like me and qinzhi like daddy
Another night we were talking, Huaihao said, “ papa’s heart is like metal, cold cold, like no emotions one , mommy like fire”
He says , “he doesn’t not know how it let go of emotional stress and keeps it inside. Normally people angry takes just one day, but he lets it go on for days and days and days.
He says we r stubborn but he is so stubborn, if he wants to be happy, he is not doing what he needs to be happy.”
I wonder what is the stuff he is made of
But children knows. And so much better than us adults, and earlier. Any attempt at masking anything is futile.
I can’t help but think about my mom, who has been shielding us from the realities back in time. Thinking that was the best for us—- for us not to know. But we do at some time.
But I look at my kids and see they have evolved at an even earlier age
Another at night when we chatted, HuaiHao gave me a quick massage and reiki-ed my hand which is beaten by a sandfly
We chat and I tell him I feel beaten, because qinzhi told me about the mini events she still has. I ask HuaiHao to pray and sand pinky love to qinzhi just as he did to me
I say as I always do, “ dear guru Rinpoche, guanyin, medicine Buddha, please transform this space we are in, into a sacred space and let us all heal at the deepest level and at all levels of our existence . Pls heal qinzhi HuaiHao…”
And then he chips in, “ what about you mommy? You should take care of yourself first! Why didn’t you mention yourself?”
I say, “because qinzhi and HuaiHao are so important to me!”
And he says, “ but there’s one mommy”
I haven’t felt this for a very long time, the feeling of myself as prized, as if being carried on the palm. HuaiHao reminded me to cherish myself and made me see how I am enough already—- being mommy to him and being me
On another night, as we lay down, Huaihao put himself on me and says:” I will be your blanket.”
Another night at 2am when i went in to sleep, I cannot help but whisper I love you, and he actually heard it and said, “I love you too”
One time we were chatting, and I said, had i not done the things I did in the time I did, my baby wouldn’t have been Huaihao. To which he nodded and said, “yes mommy, the 1 sec made all the difference to having Huaihao!”
One night , I told HuaiHao I have been asking myself this qns —-who is the person I m going to create ?
Because Huaihao’s been telling me and showing me all these wonderful Lego creations he did that could transform
As I write about them now, I realized the message from the source is channeled to me through HuaiHao – through these times he took to me and wanted me to listen to his creations and what they could do .
I told HuaiHao I was inspired by his creations and ask myself , who is the TPY I can transform into? Who is the TPY I can create?
And HuaiHao says: “be yourself! Be Mommy.”
And I asked him: “Who is myself?”
I do not know exactly what yet. But I told Huaihao:” How about something I haven’t tried and haven’t yet been? Like dressing up in flowery dresses or cut a sleek figure bathed in sun tanned skin? “
What is it that I haven’t yet been? Or maybe, the opposite of what I have been.
It’s about expression, expressing what I feel at heart, rather than keeping it down. Thank you HuaiHao for shaping me and helping me find TPY.
Now that I am reading again Huaihao’s words, Be Yourself Be Mommy, i get it. I thought all he’s just saying is he wants me to be mommy. But now, I hear it. Our level of appreciation or understanding really hinges on our level of open-mindedness .
Be yourself Be Mommy is about being unreservedly and truthfully yourself.
It’s expressing to the fullest who you are, even for the smallest things. Realising this made me think of the times I suppress my thoughts and emotions, when I went ahead doing so even if I knew its not right.
I look at Huaihao as he sleeps soundly, and a thought came to my understanding ——
If i cannot be TPY, if i hold back cut back on who I am , if i withhold, because of what it is outside, and because of habits, systems programmes experiences, then how can i tell my kids about living? How can i teach them to be brave or bold and never to be thwarted?
If I am not me, how can I teach my kids, to be them? To love life?
Its living by example and they are my light, my muse, my inspiration. Like what John says, the kids are starseeds or crystal kids, who have come to us to enlighten us.
Writing like this makes me marvel at what I have, life.
I prayed for HuaiHao to be light and to have a pregnancy which gave me the opportunity to do what I didn’t have a chance to before
Then I found myself pregnant
HuaiHao is the inspiration to look for new pathways possibilities newness and about becoming.
Qinzhi told me that she still has mini experiences of absence seizure
It came so easily out of her mouth, so as-if-it-were-nothing- it truly shattered me
She said that when she is at a loss with math and science, dealing with things she does not like, when she gets into a heated argument and is angry, when she is at a loss
She experiences these minis
And it’s after us moving to this location.
One night we had a chat. I asked Qinzhi if she can feel what people felt in their hearts and she nodded her head.
Qinzhi says that she can feel everything in people around her, like popo is worried about archer and asher, how she felt her math teacher chide her for not knowing the basics, how she felt her dad’s emotions.
And that is upsetting her because she’s too preoccupied with these and makes her worry and not know what to do. I and reminded of the literature i studied in my secondary school days <Chrysalids> It speaks about people who can read into others’ minds.
It looks like my children can.
Shouldn’t I be happy?
I find myself so caught—Just when i thought life can be normal, she announced this as if it were nothing
I told my husband and he got mad in a hurry
“It’s up to you, I cannot deal with stubborn people”
Is there still space for anger?
I don’t even have the luxury! All I can think of is what wHAT WHAT I can do more do better what I have not done enough?
How I can help my Qinzhi?
I feel helpless frustrated and all by myself
And I saw this
Its highly enlightening, frees me.
I took Qinzhi to John again and he says that there is nothing wrong with my princess. In fact she has a very high IQ, its just her way of dealing with things. But he sees that she has matured so much more already in her way of handling problems.
On weekends, we continue our walk-jogs, search for furniture,
And on fridays, i spend some girly time with Qinzhi after picking her from her CCA, we head for some food and drinks. We chat about everything, and discover friends in each other.
Before long, its daddy’s birthday, I did a staycay and brought the kids out to dinner. The few days before, I asked Qinzhi if we should celebrate and this is what she said.
“Yes! Because there’s just one dad in the whole wide world and 要学会珍惜”
And they made this card
Seeing and hearing Qinzhi made me think of some of the times when bf scolded Qinzhi badly. It hurt me so much i demanded him to apologise to Qinzhi immediately.
And even now, I still do feel the anger and would demand him to apologise to my dear Qinzhi, gift of God to me.
After dinner we took a walk back to the hotel and Qinzhi took these photos. Then we sang a birthday song and I asked Qinzhi to hug daddy.
I don’t know what I did to have these lovely kids with me, but I did think I must have done something right to have the privilege to be with them and to learn from them.
Qinzhi is always like a leader and big sister. In school, her friends vote her for an empathy award. At home, she stands up for me when she feels that I m being bullied or not helped by daddy. She stands up for the weak and helps Huaihao when he whines, when he loses his things and have trouble finding, she cleans up his mess when he breaks a packet of water on the floor.
Qinzhi has a very kind and big heart and she doesn’t take grudges.
She takes up too much responsibility and unnecessary burden on herself——–just like how I have taken these on me.
When we went to John , he had this advice for her: “Focus on Yourself, you cannot live happy if you live another’s life.”
And he told her: “Kids are very powerful and can shift reality”
I m very grateful to be guided in times of need.
Recently, Qinzhi had the chance to get into FB and is looking into her old photos and commenting on them. This time. she’s just completed her mid year exams and we got into another tightened measure phase starting the kids on Home Based Learning in view of the rising cases of COVID in the community.
This is day 1 of home based learning
And at this age, qinzhi is beginning to enjoy Kpop drama.
These days when I walk side by side with Qinzhi, she’s like my girlfriend now, I can wear her old clothes which are small for her developing build. We chat about everything and anything.
I love holding her hands with mine and feeling it, experiencing it. I hope she remembers this feeling of mommy holding her hands.
When I was at my weakest, it was Qinzhi’s hand that gave me energy warmth and strength. Holding hands is the loveliest sharing of energy, emotion and love.
I can’t thank you enough Qinzhi for picking me as Mommy. Let’s get healthier together, both physically and mentally. I love you Qinzhi!!!
”I invite the power of my soul to join with me now.”
Often when we get lost in the human dance, we forget the soul energy. We kind of cut it out. We’ve been taught to cut it out. And the truth is we are soul and human, one and the same, and the soul is what’s lighting us up right now. You might need to use both of those affirmations.
To be able to say the second one, you might need to say the first one. But affirmations are so powerful, and when we recite words, either an affirmation or when we create our own, it has the power to realign our mind.
“Be a Creator, Not a Cult Member” The 9D Arcturian Council, through Daniel Scranton
We are very particular about what we place our focus upon, because we only want to lend more of our energy to something that we would like to see more of in our experience. We only mention darker timelines and world wars because we know that others are talking about these things, and we want you to know that you don’t have to experience them. You don’t have to experience anything that you do not want to experience from now on, but in order to make that leap, you must be willing to take your attention off of what is not wanted and present in your experience and what is not wanted but has been predicted to be something that will happen in the future.
We don’t think we need to explain to you at this point that there is not one future, but we do want to explain a bit about the mechanics of reality creation. We mentioned that when something is focused upon, the being who is doing the focusing is lending their energy to that which they are focused upon. You are co-creating everything with some of your energy and some of the energy of something or someone else. You combine to co-create an experience together. In this way, you can co-create mass events. You can co-create weather. You can co-create so much that is good and wanted with your energy, the energy that is you.
You just have to train yourselves to put your attention on that which you want to become one with. You can always tell when you are putting your attention on something that you don’t want to become one with, because you feel that your energy is drained as a result. You feel weaker; you feel more tired; you have a headache. All of that is going to get more intense because you have to be more precise as the energies continue to speed up and as the time lag between creation and manifestation gets shorter and shorter. You become what you focus on; you don’t just get more of it. You are getting more of a creation that has you in it, because you are energy, and when you focus, you expend energy. You put energy towards that which you are focusing upon.
Again, be selective about what you are focusing upon, because you are creating it, and you are using you to create it. In your reality right now, you can look around and see the things that you are creating. Most of what you are creating in this now moment has nothing to do with what you are spending a lot of your time thinking about throughout your day. That means you are splitting your energy, because some of your energy is being spent on creating a reality for you to experience in the now moment, and some of it is off creating realities that you may or may not ever experience in the flesh.
If you want to experience something else, something different than what is in your immediate surroundings, then by all means, think about it. Put your attention, your focus upon it, and feel how good you feel when you become one with something that is wanted in your reality, in your experience.
Play around with this, because it is a good opportunity for you to feel into what some of your creations vibrate as when they vibrate. You want to get familiar with the vibration of your desires, not the vibration of what you are afraid of, what you think might happen based on what someone else is telling you. That’s not you creating your reality. That’s you getting sucked into someone else’s version of reality and agreeing to it because they’re more creative than you.
This is how cults are formed on your world. The cult leader isn’t just charismatic; they’re also creative. You all want to be creating on purpose from now on, because the stakes are getting higher, as you can see on your world right now.
Be very intentional, and also be patient, because even though things are speeding up, there is still a time lag, and you still have to wait for your creations to come to fruition. And we also want you to know that the positive creations come more quickly than the negative ones, because the positive creations have positive energy, and that always moves faster.
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