Told Huaihao how tired I have been and how ungrounded I have become. He quickly came over to massage me and says, “you should have peaches!”
“because the monkey king had it and enjoyed longevity!”
I had a good laugh and felt the tired dissipate.
Yesterday I asked the kids “what does papa like to eat? and what shall we treat him to on his birthday ?”
Qinzhi said, “indian food!”
Huaihao added, “just bring him to the market!”
It was exactly what he would have the kids eat and they know so well!
And Saturdays are for walking, running, brunch! After which we will follow up with looking for what we need in the new house.
Mid March, we celebrated grandpa and gengyan jiujiu’s birthday.
One Sunday, I brought Huaihao out and we spent some good time eating the food he loves and visiting the National Art Gallery. Of course, we learnt spelling along the way.
Then Huaihao spent some time looking for presents for Archer and went window shopping with Mommy. Ask him how certain clothes looked on me, and he would go, this is too fancy, nah , its not you mommy.
Dear Huaihao, may you always be the light you are, shining upon yourself and others.
Looking at Qinzhi’s growth and development is miraculous, where did the baby who was 51cm go? If that isn’t a miracle, what is, considering what Qinzhi has gone through.
And with PSLE, we are trying to put in a simple schedule of exercise on saturdays, so there’s running, jogging, walking, sweating, plus a nice brunch to motivate everyone along the way.
After brunch, we set out to look for things the house needs, and this day, it happens to be shower mixers and taps.
In March, we celebrated Gengyan jiujiu and grandpa’s birthday at Summer Pavilion,
And Mommy reserves Friday afternoons to be with Qinzhi, to bring Qinzhi back from CCA and to have food and drinks with Qinzhi. Wanted to carry her bag and stuff to lighten her load and she wouldn’t let me do much.
That day, Auntie Linda let me bring back a DIY cake for the kids to decorate and play with. And then its back to Saturdays.
Thankful for Saturdays like these when we can walk in the sun and get our muscles working. Grateful for these everyday miracles that we can perform, and times we can do what we want.
Qinzhi’s most recent hobby is to indulge in Kdramas, she’s beginning to enjoy drama, stories, korean speech. I hope these all offers her some respite from school’s big and little pressures.
And she’s beginning to be so much more expressive, sharing her likes dislikes and events at school. If anything, I hope Qinzhi continues to broaden her horizons and keeps an open mind because I think that is something that will land Qinzhi in good stead.
I was in a really normal conversation yesterday until I find myself gripped, by someone somewhere sometime ago
It happened because a friend wanted me and another to complement each other in work and I would do part a and she would continue
An opportunity came along yesterday in the course of a conversation if I wanted to take up more
I should have been happy and jump at every opportunity to
But instead, I froze
I really did feel myself at a loss for words. I was in a state of blank
And I heard myself reject that opportunity, aligning myself to a promise that I had been conditioned to by authorities- friends, ex bosses
It was then that I realized how and how much I had stopped myself listening to others or how easy one can just be influenced or affected
How your body and brain can be stopped and frozen so so easily without your knowing
Do I count myself a betrayal to friendship if I did more than what was previously said? But who was hanging on to what arrangement was being said other than me?
And how do I release this grip that I have been holding myself on to?
I don’t think it’s about sticking to or not sticking to any agreement- not hard and fast but at a deeper level how to ground and be mindfully steadfast in front of authorities and truly adapting to the requirements for a situation — with clarity on how to act
There should be no fear if the conscience is clear.
“On a Peaceful Resolution” Sheila Reynolds and The Guides
In a Universe of unlimited possibilities, there is an alternative way of resolving difficulty and aligning with a creative solution.
The key is not in your Everyday Mind. It is not to be found in ruminating over what happened. You do not need to rehearse what to do in the future. The key is in finding your way to align with peace now.
Alignment with peace throughout your whole being moves your vibrations toward what you desire. Commit yourself to peaceful resolution and creative solution.
Acknowledge that you don’t know what to do and you certainly don’t know what will happen, but that you are Guided by peace. Commit to filling your being with peace and then there can be nothing but a peaceful resolution.photo: w pachoika
I just wanted to be with myself and to be with my feelings of fatigue.
In the hot sun, under an umbrella, my pace slowed down and down. I was walking like a snail.
I tried to pick up speed but my body stopped me from doing so
That was what my body wanted- to slow down
It was then, so subtly, that I realized , I haven’t been listening to my body
I was feeling the chase, my mind had in helming my life for so long. And it kept my adrenaline going rushing speeding
Forever chasing and pushing forward
But my body was trying so hard to meet that speed
They were not in sync
And that was probably why I felt so tired out this two weeks
As I walked, I felt my heart sink
There was something I feel sad about, but I just couldn’t pin point
There’s something that is stopping me and I just couldn’t say what it was
About a week ago, bf picked a TRE and gong class. We went not knowing what TRE is
And I have to say, life or the universe has a hand in everything
TRE stands for tension and trauma release
You are invited to lie down in a butterfly pose and this pose triggers tension release
The movements came on in the hip and lower back area and it progressed so much and got so heightened I could do nothing but just focus and observe the shakes
My tears start flowing gently
The shaking got vigorous and became huge
I close my butterfly and let myself rest my feel on the ground but even so the shaking was still so strong in my pelvic area
The teacher says that to release stress, you have to touch it
TRE is like an induced panic attack but without the fear and emotional upheavals
The days after
I feel myself go into a progressive low
I was completely thrown off balance
I was shaky inside
I couldn’t breathe
I had to gasp for air
I felt myself swirling and not grounded
Totally zapped of energy and shaken
Shattered
Broken into pieces
It was so hard I hear myself crying out
Mr Ng where are you
Guru Rinpoche, help!
Dear God, help!
I prayed and asked these enlightened masters for support and healing
But also so, I felt everything in a flux in my body and I was trying my best to have awareness
I understand that my body my cells are realigning themselves to my new intention
In the shackles in the broken
I sense the rebuilding processing, but by bit step by step
Slowly but surely
HuaiHao gave me a massage and lots of hugs
He was massaging me at my shoulders saying there something here (at my upper back) and he rubbed it
I cough and felt like vomiting
The coughing was done and soon after I felt visibly better
Then I asked HuaiHao to massage me
He used valor and wrote I love you v much mommy on my back and worked it up and down my spine
Thankful beyond words, HuaiHao saved me again
In my walk
I just took time to slow down to be with myself to understand what was it that was troubling me
I was going too too fast
“Just be with me “ I heard my body say
Just be
It wasn’t easy
It’s almost frightening being that slow
I was second guessing myself
But I literally felt my body slowing me down
Subdued
That was my body trying to balance things
And I still felt my mind wanting to speed chasing me
There are so many things waiting for me to be done
Can I afford to slow
What’s the next thing?
I looked at the road ahead
Beautiful and I m with me
How important is this!
A few questions came to mind
What makes food beautiful?
And I think it’s the feeing of being touched or moved
It’s easy for chefs to do something flavorful and delicious
But how easy is it for chefs to do food that moves you?
When you are moved , that dish doesn’t past you by
I m approaching the temple
I looked up at the sky and the sun was passing through the leaves
Beautiful and magical
It’s okay to slow down
Receive the light
May I get all the light my body needs
And I heard myself say
I want to be my authentic self and my light
I heard myself ask- what makes a person attractive?
Like John , angel of humble food and Angie—- they are attractive and exude an aura because they live their truth
Nothing more and nothing less
And now I have the opportunity to live my truth
Each day each moment
I want to work hard to live my truth and be who I m
Whether it is what I eat
How I live
My beliefs and values
I want to be conscious and mindful and be unapologetically me
What I like. For example, I want to film the winemakers myself I want want want want WANT
And looking back
These 2 weeks have been a shattering of the old for me to arrive at this point to build me
My brand
What I stand for
My truth
My light
I want to shine bright
Go TPY
You are on the right path
The next day on a Saturday walk-run with Qinzhi and Huaihao.
I remembered the note I read the day before, to realign the body and cells with words and intention
As I walked the path ahead, i summon my body and my cells to walk with me out of tired fatigue fear and lows out of the old and into the new healthfulness, vitality, radiance, joy, longevity, peacefulness. I know I can do this.
Every step and every day ahead, is to be celebrated.
15 April
I saw this and understand what I have been through after that TRE session.
Everything in me is building up and realigning to my wishes and intention
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