Month: December 2020

Thank You 2020, I am grateful

Thank You 2020, I am grateful

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

31 December is always special.

Why?

Because the end is where the beginning is.

I couldn’t write this until today—I wonder why. I feel like I couldn’t feel anything, or maybe I didn’t allow myself to. Or maybe I shy away from being honest with myself.

No SO many people say 2020 was extraordinary and painful. Maybe because I have left the workforce, I have been protected from seeing the harsh reality being with kids everyday at home and concentrating on the things I do daily—lying on the bed with the morning sun shining in and doing self-reiki, having a good shower after an infra red sauna, walking the kids to school, taking time by myself, breathing. Journaling, listening to the subtleties of my senses fetching out the littlest thoughts from my cells.

I truly attended and listened to my body and my soul.

Not that it was always so peaceful.

We had so many fights in my marriage , I tried so hard to make things work and to communicate. Qinzhi and Huaihao fought too. And Huaihao and Dad fought, and Qinzhi and Dad fought. Later on, Huaihao and me, we fought.

Looking back I wonder if the cosmic forces in planetary motion had a hand in this.

But through it all, we learned the hard way and figured out a way to sort—sort ourselves first as adults , then sort out the kids and us all.

But 2020 was extraordinary for me in a good way, in fact 2020 had been good to me. And I am grateful for the 2020 I have.

Even if I didn’t step out of Singapore.

I took time with myself and walked. I explored new ways and so many wonderful ingredients in cooking, I had the chance to eat the way I want—-going vegan. I learned more about healing and essential oils. I learned to heal the cyst and keloids. I took time with the kids and cooked and baked and made ice cream with them. We played games and laughed. We quarrelled, fought and made up. We had lots of good food. We sold off Redhill and bought a new flat. We had the experience of moving that until now Qinzhi remembers we packed off with 38boxes. We made a home at Marine Crescent and live close to Dad and Mei and Boy. The cyst reduced in size. I picked up jogging and walked from East Coast to MBS or to the airport. I got in touch with so many healers and mystics near and far, and learnt lots. Even if Mr Ng has left, I sent him a message and connected with him, I always remembered what he said—that no matter where he is, he would always be rooting for me. There’s Stephan and Heidi who reiki-ed me from afar, I learnt about channeling and saw wonderful youtube videos on people who channeled. I had the chance to experience the conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter and to hear about the evolution we are all on the path to. I learnt to speak out the truth of what I felt at heart. I learnt to acknowledge myself. I learnt about managing relationships. I came out of my comfort zone and went back to work—albeit on a freelance basis, and explored new areas connected to my expertise but that which allowed me to learn and to learn to grasp and feel my way. I couldn’t imagine and wouldn’t, but I had the chance to embark on sales on organic vegetables for restaurants. I volunteered for the F&B industry during COVID.  I set up own company after so long https://imustmindthegap.wixsite.com/website

There were people whom I had the chance to expose natural healing to, my dad, xiaogu and liushen, then n in December, I learnt to come face to face with friends, not exactly people I know but relatives of friends or acquaintances—-really just people I know who needed healing and their circumstances forced me to come out of my shadow and fears, gave me opportunities to share my story and my healing —something which I have been shy to or not too eager to talk about—–and to step up and to offer my healing hand to them. Then just before the new year came, hui called to say that after our FaceTime, Gor fell twice and had to be hospitalised.

There was so much learned whether said or not.

But the biggest lesson was that in life, we do not control. We learn to ride the flow and make the best out of what is in front of us, with an equitable calm harmonious heart.

2020 had been good to me. Giving me so many opportunities to venture onto new grounds and to put what I learnt to good use to help make people and situations better.  But more importantly, allowing me to go back to who I am, sharing with me possibilities and letting me see my dreams, there were lots of opportunities for me to use my intuition and my senses to feel my way around, and to speak the truest from my authentic self, to be who I am and stand up for what I stand for. To live the way I want.

I have my husband to thank for supporting my decision to quit and for shouldering the burden to support the family.

2020 has been in all ways a miracle and truly exceptional for me. There was magic in the everyday of life when I self reiki myself and experienced all the beautiful moments of energy work, experiencing my body in ways I have never had before. That amidst all the upswings and downs, I have maintained and come back to be myself.

I am thankful for all these wonderful opportunities that have come forth for me in 2020, I dare say with my hand to my heart, that I have tried to the best of my ability to step out of my shadows and fears, my mindsets , limitations and what I have been accustomed to—-to create a new pathway and experience for myself.

And what do I want or seek in the brand new 2021?

I saw the phrase —-The Great Leap and somehow it called out to me. And now looking at the company I set up, I know why.

I called my company If you Mind The Gap.

“What we call the gap refers to a fleeting moment of naked awareness, a split-second opening that introduces us to our original mind and provides a taste of freedom from confusion.” ~ Mingyur Rinpoche

Gaps are the most important things we can be mindful of we want to evolve, to do better than the last of what we were.

Like bardos in Tibetan Buddhism, if we are mindful of gaps, there is a chance we can use this gap to constructively transform and to break out of cycles we have unconsciously locked ourselves into.

Its about perspectives, transformation and a documentary about David Bohm that was inspiring to watch. Where people focussed on the stars, he saw the spaces in between.

And made such understanding of the gaps in the night sky he became one of the most significant theoretical physicists of the 20th century who contributed unorthodox ideas to quantum theory, neuropsychology and the philosophy of mind.

I think I have, with my effort, perceived gaps and used them to better myself and to break cycles, to step out of cycles. I made big and little leaps here and there. 

I (re)invented and invented myself.

With mindfulness. And the support of so many near and far, brilliant beautiful souls.

I could have turned out the other way, but with support from buddhism, guardian angels around me, I have managed to secure these big and little leaps in my life. And hopefully, I can encourage and motivate others to leap with these experiences I have.

And Qinzhi drew this on 1.1.2021

Who am I? What is my purpose? I will be regularly ask myself these questions and listen to the answers that arise.

More and more, I will listen to the guidance of my heart, my highest self and spirit

I will continue to apply and sharpen awareness and mindfulness in life by practicing.

I will sharpen my intuition and the in born gifts and use them more in my life, to help myself and others.

I will open myself up further- my body my heart my mind my potentials

I will connect at a deeper level with true communication with myself and my family

And with the universe

I will look for beauty and the miraculous in everyday life . Connect with the spirit through my senses and see everything as if for the first time . I will look for my inner power and unlimited potential . I will recognize that I have choices and choose consciously

I will gentle with myself, my body, my family and with life

I want to continue to learn about and discover the wonders of essential oils, and use my knowledge and wisdom to help myself and others.

I want to contribute and possibly start a movement on plant based eating, to let more and more people experience the magic of plant produce.

I want to connect with specialty producers who spent their energy and life nurturing artisanal produce, I want to experience their produce and to share it outwards. I want to be a collector of artisanal producers.

I will give more time to pause to listen to, to breathe into my body to soften and open or expand my body. I will send love to the different parts of my body from the feet up to my head

I will move my body consciously

I will eat less eat better eat with more consciousness and exercise more.

I want to give my body the rest it needs, sleep more and rest more.

I will heal the cyst and keloids using natural means and the healing will speed up.

I want to have a beautiful navel the way I was born with

I want to and will listen and attend to my body and my soul.

I want to and will embrace new ways of thinking, doing, more and more

I want to and will spend quality time with my children, husband, family and to connect deeply with them

I want to and will continue to jog and walk and be healthier and happier as Huaihao says

I want to have the opportunity to serve Mingyur Rinpoche, Tsoknyi Rinpoche, Khadro La

I want to travel to fetch wonderful produce back for the betterment of myself and others

I want to practice for 5min everyday,  

I want to be even more gentle with myself and be deeply in touch with myself

I want to be a healthy happy shiny TPY

I want to build a brand for the work I do

I want to experience light, be a light upon myself and others

I want to build a home which will support me on all counts above, a home which truly reflects me and my passion and what I stand for in life.

2020 made a strong point about life and its possibilities, there is nothing that is impossible. All we need is to dare, to be creative and to do what really matters at heart.

Thank you 2020, you have been no less amazing and brilliant in teaching us.

Looking back at what I wrote on the opening of 2020:

“I pray as we welcome a new year and decade, that each day be filled with mindfulness, goodness, wonder, magic, positivity, healthfulness, vitality, vigour. May each day be filled with light and love to inspire us guide us heal us bless us protect us.

May we all intuitively creatively courageously broadmindedly adopt the new! New habits, attitudes, mindsets, pathways that will serve us best ! And in the process effortlessly transform and evolve to become better versions of ourselves.

I sincerely pray that we all be imbued with wisdom and light and release all energies, imprints pain and suffering that do not serve us. May we all receive healing at all levels of our existence.”

In the brand new 2021 ahead, let us mindfully breathe and experience the power of the breath. May we connect at a deeper level with our body and our soul. Through this, (re)discover our innate intuitive abilities, our dreams and the richness of our experiences. May we always find beauty, hope, warmth, openness, possibilities, inspiration, goodness, peace. May we use each and every opportunity to speak our truth and chart new territories with grace and wisdom. Let there be magical, healing experiences of light. I know that we will be always guided, protected, and blessed. And we’ll shine like never before. Happy 2021.

Merry Christmas 2020

Merry Christmas 2020

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Huaihao taught me another lesson on the wee hours of Xmas day.

We were prepping presents for folks like grandpa, who drove the kids to school , for hui and popo, for Karyn’s dad who bought the kids presents on Xmas every year….

But in all the recent busying and getting frustrated over seemingly bad behaviour of the kids, we forgot about presents in stockings.

It was close to midnight and Huaihao couldn’t sleep.

HuaiHao: How does Santa get into the house mommy?

Me: You know like in storybooks? There’s always a chimney somewhere?

Huaihao (leading): When is he coming mommy? I am waiting and I cant sleep!

Then I remembered. Wherever is that recyclable stocking from Daiso?! We threw it away when we moved didn’t we? In our old flat, we would hang a stocking on the door’s handle and it will be filled with presents the kids wake up to.

Daddy would buy presents. Did he this year?

I suddenly realised how much presents in stockings mean to the kids.

Huaihao: Mommy, does Santa know we moved? What if he goes to our old house?

Christmas Day Teaching with Huaihao: Be careful what you throw. Especially the very things that carry hopes and dreams. We forgot about the presents in the dailyness of life. I didnt think Daddy remembered about putting presents into the stockings.

We forgot about how this all meant to the kids.

We forgot the magic.

And so, forgot to make magic.

7 Yrs 11 Mths

7 Yrs 11 Mths

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Had a few occasions whereby I could bring Huaihao out on a one-one date. And brought him to his favourite Burger joint.

I wonder if its the smaller space we are in, coupled with growing up hormones and aging ones as well, everyday in the house is like a Mars meet Earth kind of event.

I cant say there’s peace for sure, and more often than not, it starts from Huaihao disobeying or rather, Huaihao pushing for what he wants, in seemingly unreasonable ways to us.

How will this affect his system?

There are times Daddy maintained his cool, but in a few other times, definitely challenged by Huaihao. Smaller in size but so much stronger in force. He always said to Huaihao:”at 16 years old you get out of my life, i have enough of you”

Daddy has no qualms pointing out Huaihao is “the cause of it all”, of all unhappiness, I wonder how Huaihao thinks or feels.

Statements like these made me worried. How would this impact my Huaihao? Even though he is seemingly not bothered by it?

When Huaihao is beyond reason, which is often, Daddy when he cannot keep cool, blows his top, takes Huaihao by the hand and pulls him out of the house. Huaihao would be crying in fear and Qinzhi would rise to save her brother by scolding and shouting Daddy, “all you freaks! I want to kill myself”

I wonder how these will impact Qinzhi and Huaihao?

Will they even remember? What are all these fights for? seemingly born out of nitty gritty stuff?

As I was writing Qinzhi’s blog posts, Huaihao saw me writing and asked me why do I write?

I replied that this has been so, the very day I took an ultrasound photo in my gynae’s office and saw Qinzhi. I wanted to record down the things you two experienced , maybe somewhere down the road, when you happen to chance across these words, you would be able to perceive or visualise how Mommy is writing in the night, when all of you are asleep and the washing machine is calling out to me, the dryer doing its runs and turns.

Actually writing benefits me too much, it feels like I can let it go and don’t need to hold on to it—whether its a happy or unhappy event. So as much as this is for the kids, its also for me to reflect and make sense of what has happened in the family, to take stock.

And 2020 has gone in a whiff.

December is Qinzhi and Huaihao’s favourite month. The month they get presents from Santa—actually Daddy and they know. And from Gengyan jiujiu and Karyn jiejie plus Karyn’s dady who never fail to pamper them with a no budget Christmas outing with food and presents.

And more food and more presents.

To the extent that the children forget about the value of money and buy in excess and without a think. Such as picks like this and I gave them a lecture of course. I told Huaihao that if he did not respect money, money would not come to him. As with respect for any other

To create more quiet for Qinzhi to concentrate on her work, Huaihao also went out with Dad this holiday to run errands and bond and had his favourite Din Tai Feng and Tenjin.

Then Ah tin aye secured a staycay at MBS for 4 nights, we went for it despite a lot of crap and uneventful disputes with Huaihao. but got it sorted out because deep down, Daddy and Mommy didn’t want to disappoint—Qinzhi especially. We tried lots of food that we don’t normally do

I wanted to put a point on Huaihao’s exceptionally unreasonable behaviour these few days. Beyond reason, he kept pounding my hand with so much might when I tried to educate/chided him or disagreed with him.

We almost did not manage to come for the staycay at MBS and in the midst of it, there must have been ten times it almost ended in a whiff.

I believed in talking it out. And being a friend to my children. I always remembered what Mr Ng said “the children know. So talk to them.”

But I ended up raising an unreasonable kid who does not listen. What went wrong ? Was I too lenient? What would my mummy say if she were alive ?

Like in the midst of the staycay, he was so naughty daddy wanted to check out and I wanted to go home. It was Qinzhi who kept stopping us and asking us to talk to HuaiHao because we did not know how to manage him

And I was so so so angry this was the first time in 7 years I pulled his ears. He was so upset he cried. Can’t there be another way out? I asked

He finally apologized and I delivered the punishment of beating his palm three times.

But doing that brought me so much pain at heart. This episode made me feel that I was wrong to love him the way I did and I had to take responsibility for raising HuaiHao up this way

What if he grows up bad? And cause hurt to others? And ultimately to himself? It had never occured to me that my kids will turn bad.

After it all, at night before he slept, he climbed out of bed and wanted to touch my face and say, “only after that can I sleep.”

I wonder where and what went wrong. How do I address this? Do I still want to get upset or angry and experience the upheavals in emotion?

Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, in a recent video says, “be creative ! when you have anger, use that as support for meditation.”

No doubt a way out, but not easy!

The other times he was good, we had a short walk while Qinzhi was having her tuition at MBS. Ever sensitive, he would hold my shopping bags and hold my hand. I could feel his little hands growing and warming me up.

I said to Huaihao, “its nice to hold your hand and not beat your hand.”

We then went to get presents, for Karyn’s Dad, Karyn and for Qinzhi. Huaihao said Qinzhi needed a black pen, and so we went to Muji to get it. Then he chose the Marvel T shirt for Karyn’s dad and drew a card for Karyn.

I love his doodles, look at the eyes!

I never thought that the day Huaihao challenged me would come so fast. And even if so, Huaihao has a way that would swiftly bring you back to him. Be good Huaihao, I wish you love and healthfulness, sincerely!

The Great Conjuction

The Great Conjuction

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On the 21st December 2020, we all will be witnessing and experiencing the great conjunction—— where Saturn and Jupiter meet and form a bright star in the sky.

This cosmic phenomenon is closest to earth in 800 years and signals a time of great transformation

My friend sent me this video and I picked up many wonderful points

Such as

– so be at your highest

– human resonance measuring the heartbeat of the earth

– whatever you feel, you are pulling that future

– we are moving into elevated finer consciousness, ground up, community, less top down, more even distribution of good, 5D

Hearing this sends me into elevated state, one which I so easily leave behind because of the daily chores because freelance work is catching up

I get in touch with that part of me which I myself like so much

If anything , I feel blessed to be hearing this and to experience this conjunction

If anything, I have learnt that our souls have come to earth at this time to have a human experience and to harness the healing and wonderful energy coming out of this great conjunction.

You are very blessed

You you you you you and you, who is reading now.

11 Years 10 Months

11 Years 10 Months

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Qinzhi is 11 years and 10 months old?

It seemed like yesterday that she’s entered primary one, it seemed like yesterday Qinzhi was born. Thinking of yesterday brought up lots of images of Qinzhi in my mind. Flashes of them.

And what a journey Qinzhi has taken.

Its the holiday season but Qinzhi is spending much time revising—in view of next year’s PSLE exams, and to make up for whatever she missed in your lower primary school days.

Sometimes seeing Qinzhi frustrated at revision made me stop and think. I can see that Qinzhi is trying her utmost. I asked if Qinzhi wants to repeat Primary 6 but she says she wants to go for the PSLE exams. And I told Qinzhi that if this is what she wants, Mom and Dad will do our utmost to support her. And we will do this together.

So that we did, Dad engaged Qinzhi a tutor, and enrolled Qinzhi in some online lessons, coincidentally Gary had the time to come tutor her twice. I pushed on with assessments everyday.

And I must say, this is one of the most busy—yet fulfilling holidays Qinzhi has. She is lazy and takes all the opportunities to laze around but I try my best to motivate her.

Sometimes I can feel that Qinzhi is trying her best not to be distracted and is frustrated at herself. Other times, she is frustrated at me.

A few times, she is lost in her thoughts. I wonder what Qinzhi must be feeling when I shout at her.

I wonder what is the stress Qinzhi feels at heart. Because she is such a perceptive child. One day, I told Qinzhi that Gor is going for knee surgery and at bed time we spoke again, Qinzhi burst out crying. She says that after what has happened to her school mate, she doesn’t want anyone else to go for surgery.

And what more, her popo or grandma, not her real one, but the very one who held her more precious than herself—– is going for one. She cried so hard her eyes swell the next day.

And this morning when Huaihao was naughty and made everyone lose our cool, Daddy has already pulled him out and it was Qinzhi who came to the rescue.

She can feel impending danger or when another feels threatened or in danger and responds like a saviour or Huaihao’s guardian angel.

I thought of myself. Haven’t I been in the role before?

In December, I convinced Qinzhi to go for a hair trim after all these years. She is still extremely fearful and I can see Qinzhi totally held backwards in fear.

I was like that once.

So so so much fear that I wasn’t moving. I saw myself in Qinzhi.

So I treated her to Burger Plus, not the most healthy but a treat and a steal this holiday. Then brought her to the salon. She tried new things, she had a hair wash, trim , blow and the stylist curled her hair.

This is probably one of the most satisfying hair trips she’s had. Before this, it was extremely traumatic to have her think about a hair salon.

The same day, we brought Qinzhi and Huaihao to the dentist to clean their teeth. The next day, Gengyan jiujiu brought Qinzhi and Huaihao for a daycation.

The next week, Karyn’s dad brought the kids to a pop up Jurassic Cafe and brought them presents. It was a once a year happy affair the kids looked forward to

QinZhi really wanted a staycay and ayi told Ah tin ayi and she redeemed 4 nights at MBS for us.

I really wanted to Qinzhi to have a holiday without work and we tried despite HuaiHao ‘s constant attempts to drive us nuts

We ate at new places and not what we would normally would, hoping that the new flavors and experiences would give her new sensations and emotions .

We spent a good day walking around orchard road and getting presents for yiyi popo and whoever Qinzhi has designated , using their own savings . I hope Qinzhi and HuaiHao learn to give back and appreciate the folks who love them.

And above all, I hope Qinzhi has a holiday of sorts even if she’s constantly challenged by HuaiHao and homework. She loves Huaihao so much she gets upset at for for reprimanding Huaihao even if Hao is in the wrong. She would say:”You do not how to handle Huaihao, get creative!”

And she would be so worked up you could feel the anger rising. I wonder if this is a good thing. At first I was worried, but more and more, I m beginning to take this positively, because she needed to let off steam. And because she did, afterwards she could talk to Huaihao and us like she always did without any kind of awkwardness.

Dear Qinzhi, whatever the case, take care of yourself first. I wonder why but I told you so so so many times, that you are so pretty, I encouraged you to tie up your hair, in a high ponytail, in a bun that would highlight your face. but you simply refused.

I wonder why?

Don’t you want to be beautiful?

Or do you think that you are not?

To mommy, you are precious, one and only, and I told you, that you have to learn to respect yourself, for if you don’t, no one else will.

Start loving yourself Qinzhi.

You are enough.