Been getting angry a lot at HuaiHao of late and one night he asked me to sleep with him, as usual.

I asked him why? HuaiHao says, “because it’s the only time we can be together .”

What does that even mean to him?

One weekend we went walking. We walked from Fort Road to The Barrage and in the midst HuaiHao always held on to my hands.

I told him this is where I walked after sending them to school and I will be walking alone. But today! Today HuaiHao is walking with me and that is so very important because we are holding our hands footsteps together and seeing the birds swoop and be free in the sky.

The next morning we walked the Tanjong Rhu area from the stadium and saw how the places Mommy and Daddy used to walk to a lot morph into the look today.

We climbed up the expressway too. We were walking as cars fly past and had the winds and expressway pretty much to ourselves.

Its such a bad day for me, i cant say exactly why? But I got so so mad at Huaihao, I threw cushions at him, flung his hands off me, get him off me because he is so unreasonable and difficult to talk to.

And i ended up being angry at myself, after being angry at him.

Angry at myself for choosing to be angry and led this way because I wasnt mindful enough. Angry that I caused Huaihao hurt. I find it so hard to forgive myself.

Its so bad I feel so drained and tired out.

Then i saw this:

“If all human beings already are Love . . . then what is there to remember? How to love. You are invited to remember how to love, by remembering that love is your True Identity.” —–Neale Donald Walsch

The next day, Huaihao is clearly obedient, he tries his best to listen to instructions and to do what he has to before playing. At night, when I massage Qinzhi, he comes over and do a quick shoulder massage for me. When I say its enough, he says its a “thank you note”.

Does he have some flair or something when it comes to communicating with people?

When I lie down beside him —-like what I would normally do—he gives me his pillow, covers me with blanket, awards me with his soft pillow and plants kisses on my cheeks and lips and says—delicious.

“I m trying to treat you not like a maid”

because I said the day before he is treating me like a maid.

Sometimes we do not know the weight of our words —-until we are told by someone, the weight of our own words.

We continued to fight in the day sometimes and make up at night. Its so hard to refuse him. He is so persistent you have to give in.

Sometimes I feel like I m being forced and can now understand why bf used to say Huaihao “forced” him into things.

And I can understand too, how Qinzhi must have felt—helpless , because Huaihao can be really aggressive.

I wonder how Huaihao would have felt reading this when he grows up. Would he know its a rainy night? And that this night he fell asleep with me beside him, even if he’ said he will sleep on his own? And that this day Mommy bought him 2 Legos in a go because he kept his word of working on chinese assessment books.

On another night, Huaihao asked me to lie down with him and I did. And he covered me with blanket and tried to chit chat. I wanted him to sleep and ignored him until i really fell asleep. Then he said: It’s a good day. Now we are resting.

Sometimes I wonder if sleep is that important or should I chat with him? Ever since we moved, we hadn’t had that heart to heart chat at bedtime, maybe that’s why Huaihao insisted I slept with him.

We chat like we used to at bedtime.

I asked Huaihao, how he feels like when Dad is angry and Huaihao says, “can you talk about it?”

Then the conversation flowed, i mentioned something about changing and Huaihao says, “just be yourself”

HOW wise is this young man!

It was bedtime, and I went in to the kids bedroom, we chat . Huaihao asked what my mommy was like. I told him, Mommy cared for everyone else but herself. 

And Huaihao went: “just like you.”

Qinzhi asked: “So did you daddy buy presents for your mommy?” I said not often.

To which Qinzhi replied, “so Dad must have inherited this from your dad because he seldom buys you presents too.”

I talked a little more about my mom. And Qinzhi who was in the dome for her usual routine, let out a cry.

I was surprised actually.

Perhaps I was fighting back my emotions, trying to keep it down, how much I still felt for mom.

These were apparent to Qinzhi obviously . I just couldn’t hide from her.

On the next afternoon, I had another fight with Huaihao. I almost couldn’t take it anymore and Qinzhi came out to help, disciplining her brother, “You should learn to cherish and treasure your mom do you even know?”

That’s Qinzhi.

Qinzhi is that helpful and caring, when I was having an exchange with Huaihao’s teacher, she told me how impressed she was with Qinzhi, “Qinzhi really cares and protects for her brother a lot, she will come to class and remind her brother or tell me that he needs to hog to which gate during dismissal”

And I remember how Qinzhi would step up and protect Huaihao when he is naughty and angered his dad, who had no qualms about throwing him out of the house. Qinzhi fearing that her dad would, leapt out of bed and jumped to her brother’s defence, “Do you even know what time it is now? If you want to fight get out!”

That’s how she expresses her love for us.

She seemed to know when another person is in need of help. And she rises up to the occasion to save.

Today we went to our new flat with our ID and Huaihao waiting patiently even if he really wanted to go buy his toys.

We also went scouting for furniture.

Before we knew it, we have come to the end of school. We packed and tidied up this year’s work, sent the preloved books for donation. And took stock. Here, a selection of Huaihao’s works.

And there’s a certificate to encourage Huai Hao, as he was expressive and participated lots in class.

Teachers’ comments are that Huaihao is intelligent, expressive and takes care of his friends.

He also wrote this note to Daddy. And one day did a Men’s Talk with him alone. I was very impressed, to take on his Dad, and talk terms with him, not belittling himself with age or feeling little in any way. That’s Huaihao, he fights for what he wants, using his wits and intelligence.

Dear Huaihao, I love you so much. Even if sometimes I feel that you are challenging me already. How else can I talk to you to let you see a bigger picture? How else can I expand your horizons and let you see what others see.

May you be well and happy! May you always be a light upon yourself and others.