Month: November 2020

Lifting

Lifting

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

What makes you go on?

Especially when you are tired.

“Affected” by the little boy, probably stressed by the load of oncoming work, or distressed by it, I literally sunk and caved in.

I wasn’t breathing well, I was gasping for air, I felt constricted, compressed and my shoulders hurt.

My tongue was searing, like on fire. My breath had a stench.

I googled, the tongue is representative of the heart in TCM and in ayurvedic tradition, what is my searing tongue trying to say to me?

My heart is on fire? haha, probably so, when I was upset with Huaihao those few days.

I havent been that upset with him. Or—–was it, with myself?

Yes, myself.

Probably I wasn’t listening to myself enough.

I felt like the assignments I picked up aren’t really what I like, the business side of things, not that I really needed the money. But I could do. Who couldn’t ?

I didn’t like the business side of things, the reality of it.

Now that I m writing about it, its a certain reality that I didn’t like. Reality that does not go along with me, I tend to not like.

I saw me.

Then I came across something Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche said:” See everything as an opportunity.”

Tired, I wanted to get out of the house very much. I brought Huaihao to his holiday camp the morning and back, we held hands and walked.

And the breeze came.

Huaihao played with soft pastels today and he drew a snowman, so very pretty and he asked, “would you like it?”

I said yes! But more than anything, I don’t need anything from him.

I told Huaihao, I am just so so grateful, to be able to hold his hand and to walk together. That he is happy and healthy and we can walk together, hand in hand like this.

That day when I took him to class, I thought of something. The boy’s story came out in the news, and reading about his story made my emotions surge in a sudden.

But it was also good to let them (I hope, all) out.

I felt better afterwards strangely, having had a better understanding of the picture.

I the crying I sort of decided I wanted and will go on. I was jerked off the path in a way. In the crying, i sort of put myself back.

On the bus, I thought, there really is no time to waste in life. And that WE SHOULD GRAB EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO LIVE WELL, BE HAPPY, BE AUTHENTICALLY OURSELVES. TO EXPRESS OUR LIGHT.

This morning a helper carrying heavy grocery let me get on the bus first, and when I alighted, I waited for her and tried to help her.

Something simple like this, was really what my heart wanted to do, and I felt good.

And once again, I learnt about listening to my heart. My heart who seemed to know what and why or how.

In the afternoon, I went out for my assignment . It was a lunch tasting for a CNY project I was working on. And my heart didn’t skip.

I didn’t feel excitement I wasn’t hearing my heart I guess.

But in the session, I met new people, creative people who were in and out of my field, new people, people whom I have met in the food industry. I enjoyed meeting new people and having these big and little exchanges about life. There were opportunities to flash out my opinions and work them out, learning about confidence and expression.

I enjoy listening and talking to people and finding out about their lives.

And someone new I met, a creative, told me to get out and start earning my keep with my talents, contacts and passion.

To find something I love, and make things better. He said that it is not necessary to find something original or new, but definitely should make things better.

He encouraged me to step out and to do something. And if its something you love, you never tire and never work a single day.

As I sat listening to him, I wonder why.

Why is this person who, I have met just an hour ago, tell me all these things? Is this coincidence?

Who is he? Who sent him to talk to me, with what he said and the way he said?

Somehow I feel egged on.

Is there something I have put down or ignored? Was it my light that I dimmed or switched off on my own accord?

Is it time to do something?

I went to fetch Huaihao after class, and we walked, hand in hand, telling him about what I did and all.

Before long its bedtime.

Huaihao is happy to chat. He told me what he did in class, the games he played and how he behaved, he did a boogie and chuckled, then he showed how his friend danced in class and we both laughed in the night.

I couldn’t thank him enough.

I said thank you to him, for loving me and for lifting me up. I opened up and told him how I felt about work, he asked me how much I will be getting paid.

And then he said wow.

I said I didn’t really feel like working but with the money I can lighten Daddy’s load and I can get whatever I wanted or what they wanted. Which brings me to the point,’ “should I be happy about this?”

He nodded, “uh huh”

I got an uh huh moment.

I must have been in dreamland, unaware, like a spoilt brat, mulling over unimportant things not mindfully.

This conversation gave me energy. Showed me light and pointed out to me a new perspective ———or at least, looking at things from another angle.

Having the opportunity to earn dollars and to be trusted, having the opportunity to contribute my light.

I used to look at it the “old way”, that way stemmed from my experiences, habits, but the magic Huaihao is, helped me find a way out.

He lifted me up.

And all the angels around me did too. I believe.

And who——- lifted you?

7 Yrs 10 Mths

7 Yrs 10 Mths

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Been getting angry a lot at HuaiHao of late and one night he asked me to sleep with him, as usual.

I asked him why? HuaiHao says, “because it’s the only time we can be together .”

What does that even mean to him?

One weekend we went walking. We walked from Fort Road to The Barrage and in the midst HuaiHao always held on to my hands.

I told him this is where I walked after sending them to school and I will be walking alone. But today! Today HuaiHao is walking with me and that is so very important because we are holding our hands footsteps together and seeing the birds swoop and be free in the sky.

The next morning we walked the Tanjong Rhu area from the stadium and saw how the places Mommy and Daddy used to walk to a lot morph into the look today.

We climbed up the expressway too. We were walking as cars fly past and had the winds and expressway pretty much to ourselves.

Its such a bad day for me, i cant say exactly why? But I got so so mad at Huaihao, I threw cushions at him, flung his hands off me, get him off me because he is so unreasonable and difficult to talk to.

And i ended up being angry at myself, after being angry at him.

Angry at myself for choosing to be angry and led this way because I wasnt mindful enough. Angry that I caused Huaihao hurt. I find it so hard to forgive myself.

Its so bad I feel so drained and tired out.

Then i saw this:

“If all human beings already are Love . . . then what is there to remember? How to love. You are invited to remember how to love, by remembering that love is your True Identity.” —–Neale Donald Walsch

The next day, Huaihao is clearly obedient, he tries his best to listen to instructions and to do what he has to before playing. At night, when I massage Qinzhi, he comes over and do a quick shoulder massage for me. When I say its enough, he says its a “thank you note”.

Does he have some flair or something when it comes to communicating with people?

When I lie down beside him —-like what I would normally do—he gives me his pillow, covers me with blanket, awards me with his soft pillow and plants kisses on my cheeks and lips and says—delicious.

“I m trying to treat you not like a maid”

because I said the day before he is treating me like a maid.

Sometimes we do not know the weight of our words —-until we are told by someone, the weight of our own words.

We continued to fight in the day sometimes and make up at night. Its so hard to refuse him. He is so persistent you have to give in.

Sometimes I feel like I m being forced and can now understand why bf used to say Huaihao “forced” him into things.

And I can understand too, how Qinzhi must have felt—helpless , because Huaihao can be really aggressive.

I wonder how Huaihao would have felt reading this when he grows up. Would he know its a rainy night? And that this night he fell asleep with me beside him, even if he’ said he will sleep on his own? And that this day Mommy bought him 2 Legos in a go because he kept his word of working on chinese assessment books.

On another night, Huaihao asked me to lie down with him and I did. And he covered me with blanket and tried to chit chat. I wanted him to sleep and ignored him until i really fell asleep. Then he said: It’s a good day. Now we are resting.

Sometimes I wonder if sleep is that important or should I chat with him? Ever since we moved, we hadn’t had that heart to heart chat at bedtime, maybe that’s why Huaihao insisted I slept with him.

We chat like we used to at bedtime.

I asked Huaihao, how he feels like when Dad is angry and Huaihao says, “can you talk about it?”

Then the conversation flowed, i mentioned something about changing and Huaihao says, “just be yourself”

HOW wise is this young man!

It was bedtime, and I went in to the kids bedroom, we chat . Huaihao asked what my mommy was like. I told him, Mommy cared for everyone else but herself. 

And Huaihao went: “just like you.”

Qinzhi asked: “So did you daddy buy presents for your mommy?” I said not often.

To which Qinzhi replied, “so Dad must have inherited this from your dad because he seldom buys you presents too.”

I talked a little more about my mom. And Qinzhi who was in the dome for her usual routine, let out a cry.

I was surprised actually.

Perhaps I was fighting back my emotions, trying to keep it down, how much I still felt for mom.

These were apparent to Qinzhi obviously . I just couldn’t hide from her.

On the next afternoon, I had another fight with Huaihao. I almost couldn’t take it anymore and Qinzhi came out to help, disciplining her brother, “You should learn to cherish and treasure your mom do you even know?”

That’s Qinzhi.

Qinzhi is that helpful and caring, when I was having an exchange with Huaihao’s teacher, she told me how impressed she was with Qinzhi, “Qinzhi really cares and protects for her brother a lot, she will come to class and remind her brother or tell me that he needs to hog to which gate during dismissal”

And I remember how Qinzhi would step up and protect Huaihao when he is naughty and angered his dad, who had no qualms about throwing him out of the house. Qinzhi fearing that her dad would, leapt out of bed and jumped to her brother’s defence, “Do you even know what time it is now? If you want to fight get out!”

That’s how she expresses her love for us.

She seemed to know when another person is in need of help. And she rises up to the occasion to save.

Today we went to our new flat with our ID and Huaihao waiting patiently even if he really wanted to go buy his toys.

We also went scouting for furniture.

Before we knew it, we have come to the end of school. We packed and tidied up this year’s work, sent the preloved books for donation. And took stock. Here, a selection of Huaihao’s works.

And there’s a certificate to encourage Huai Hao, as he was expressive and participated lots in class.

Teachers’ comments are that Huaihao is intelligent, expressive and takes care of his friends.

He also wrote this note to Daddy. And one day did a Men’s Talk with him alone. I was very impressed, to take on his Dad, and talk terms with him, not belittling himself with age or feeling little in any way. That’s Huaihao, he fights for what he wants, using his wits and intelligence.

Dear Huaihao, I love you so much. Even if sometimes I feel that you are challenging me already. How else can I talk to you to let you see a bigger picture? How else can I expand your horizons and let you see what others see.

May you be well and happy! May you always be a light upon yourself and others.

11 Years 9 Months

11 Years 9 Months

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Time is acting and I can see it the way Qinzhi grows into a teen. Pimples are popping out and the skin is getting shiny.

I see Qinzhi’s curves more and soon, she’ll be taller than me. She’s had her first taste of adulthood too experiencing the rite of the period.

Changes have been fast.

This month we continued to do sports on weekends.

We would walk to all sorts of places, like to Marina Bay and up the expressway.

We would walk to Tanjong Rhu and the stadium

After food, we would continue to scout for furniture.

Qinzhi did not do well for her end of year exams, passing only English. We asked Qinzhi if she wanted to repeat P5, but she didn’t want to. She wanted to go for the PSLE like her friends. And we are doing our best to support her.

Daddy went on zoom and purchased online tutorial packs, got a tutor for Qinzhi and we went to Popular to scout for assessment books.

We told Qinzhi, that we did not want ace results, we just wanted to work with Qinzhi to pass so that she did not have to spend extra time on the system.

Daddy was wise only to say that Qinzhi’s talent is being extremely perceptive and in the years ahead, this will be something precious as we stride into the world of Artificial Intelligence.

John said Qinzhi is a crystal child, a super crystal child. Extremely sensitive and perceptive and can feel immensely .

I had a go at that recently.

It was bedtime, and I went in to the kids bedroom, we chat . Huaihao asked what my mommy was like. I told him, Mommy cared for everyone else but herself.

And Huaihao went: “just like you.”

Qinzhi asked: “So did you daddy buy presents for your mommy?” I said not often.

To which Qinzhi replied, “so Dad must have inherited this from your dad because he seldom buys you presents too.”

I talked a little more about my mom. And Qinzhi who was in the dome for her usual routine, let out a cry.

I was surprised actually.

Perhaps I was fighting back my emotions, trying to keep it down, how much I still felt for mom.

These were apparent to Qinzhi obviously . I just couldn’t hide from her.

On the next afternoon, I had another fight with Huaihao. I almost couldn’t take it anymore and Qinzhi came out to help, disciplining her brother, “You should learn to cherish and treasure your mom do you even know?”

That’s Qinzhi.

I remember asking John recently, how to soothe Qinzhi’s temperaments, to which he said, “this is her, you cannot turn her into another person, but if she makes adjustments, she will be very successful in life.”

Qinzhi is that helpful and caring, when I was having an exchange with Huaihao’s teacher, she told me how impressed she was with Qinzhi, “Qinzhi really cares and protects for her brother a lot, she will come to class and remind her brother or tell me that he needs to hog to which gate during dismissal”

And I remember how Qinzhi would step up and protect Huaihao when he is naughty and angered his dad, who had no qualms about throwing him out of the house. Qinzhi fearing that her dad would, leapt out of bed and jumped to her brother’s defence, “Do you even know what time it is now? If you want to fight get out!”

That’s how she expresses her love for us.

She seemed to know when another person is in need of help. And she rises up to the occasion to save.

I see this trait in myself too . And I hope Qinzhi will do more to take care of herself or at least, do calculated moves.

And she must have done something wonderful , because she won the Character Champion title this year.

Qinzhi’s daddy says he just needs to help her get pass the benchmarks like PSLE and O’levels, and if there are ways to help her, he will go to these extents. Because he doesn’t care if she cannot do Math, but is mindful that we shouldn’t let kids go through the system which is made to serve propaganda and society’s needs—–but not the kid’s talent.

He feels that we should as parents, highlight and help her empathy and perceptive nature shine bigger brighter.

I m so glad and happy to hear of this wisdom.

So to celebrate her Character Champion award, (and this is the second one in primary school)—- I treated Qinzhi to Boba Tea, albeit a vegan version. And is so glad she likes it.

Intensifying efforts to get her on track for PSLE, we are starting this school holidays, but is mindful to not tip the balance and make playtime rest time.

By planning a time table.

And we also did not forget celebrations, this day, on ah mei ayi’s birthday. We had such a great chat with everyone at home and I m glad Qinzhi is comfortable speaking out her worries and fears to this circle of support.

Deep down, I have no doubts Qinzhi will succeed in life because of her kind nature, but in the process and in the system, we will still have to coach and push her so that she gets through.

Wishing you lots of light and love. May you be well and happy!

Affected

Affected

by yellownblac ♥ 1 Comment

I don’t know why I am so affected.

One day the previous week, I saw a chat in the parent’s group chat, that there’s a little boy in the children’s primary school who is suffering from cancer and has an arm chopped off.

The chat asked for donations as he is about to go for an operation and his dad has just been diagnosed with illness.

I was affected more than I knew.

Even now as I m typing my thoughts out, I feel so pained.

The sun was shining, but I couldn’t feel the warmth.

I asked myself if I can ignore this message. I can’t. But what else can I do besides donating? How much can I donate?

I thought about John. An essential oil guru who is so adept with essential oils he has helped healed so many.

I texted back wanting to talk about this.

Then I hesitated.

Is this right time?

How would the parents take this? Alternative therapy isn’t what any person on the street can accept.

Should i leave the judgement to them ?

I decided to cancel the typing. Typically John would let his clients still go for the mainstream method before proposing essential oils for healing. Maybe I should text them after the boy’s operation.

I silently prayed for him. I chanted mantras whenever I remembered, I asked my friend to write his name for a puja in Nepal for blessings.

But before I knew, last Saturday, in the same chat group. I received message that the boy has passed away the night before due to complications in surgery.

I just couldn’t control my tears.

Why couldn’t he wait? Why did I wait? Would I have made a difference? Should I have made the decision? Should I blame myself?

It was all too painful.

I feel suppressed and tight.

I had to make effort to breathe.

I felt low on energy since then. Like something heavy drabbed over me. I couldnt feel hungry. My neck my shoulders were heavy, so was my breath.

Why was I so affected?

I couldn’t understand.

What called out to me? What was it that tugged at me?

Was it how life can go so quickly? How much we cannot control? How much we should not wait? How (un)fair life can be? How complex life can be? Is this karma? Is this how life can be or cant life be something else? Can life be empathetic ?

What exactly is life?

The last year or so I have been reading and getting acquainted with great teachers on soul evolution and transformation, I have been reading about manifesting what you want, laws of pure potentiality, or how life or the universe works to support us.

These are empowering, you find yourself responsible for your own path. You realise you have the power to steer your course.

It is all so positive and cocreative.

But this incident happened like a hard knock. Even if I could interpret this as karma, or how one’s soul has chosen this path, it brings to mind how much or how little we can do at the same time.

In unawareness, what happened to the boy such that he would have chosen this path? What made him suffer so much to make this decision?

In our lives, how have we made decisions unwittingly not mindfully in that split second because something happened and we responded in a particular way, out of habit, from a place of trauma—— in pain.

In pain we create pain.

Not that we can’t create something positive but it takes a lot more.

What is painful is how people keep repeating and keeping themselves in a cycle or how difficult it is to get out.

I told my husband, who has been lately angry with the kids, that we have to be careful and mindful with our words, we do not know how our words can affect another.

How have we as parents erred? How have we hurt our children in anger?

I felt fear and regret.

I looked back at my life. How have I made silly decisions in a split second that did not serve me.

I should count my blessings.

I was judging myself way too much.

But we can get a hold of ourselves and be mindful as much as we can. I hear myself say.

Count your blessings. Be grateful for the angels whom you have met along the way to show you the light. I hear myself say.

We can hug the kids at bedtime and learn from our mistakes and be better persons in our own right and become better parents to our kids.

There are many things we can do with mindful awareness and intention.

After a few days of stomaching these, I finally took to talking with the kids. At first I wanted to shield them from the news, what good would this do? But I decided to share my feelings with them.

After all, if I want to have an open culture of my kids sharing their emotions with me, I want to show them this is what I do. It was difficult to, I was choking but I tried to find the very words that could express my heartfelt emotions.

That we should all cherish our lives and the everyday we get a chance at. The little boy fought so hard to go to school despite it all. How awesome he is.

Qinzhi cried hearing this.

I told them we have to learn how to cherish and treasure our every breath, no matter how hard sometimes it may be, we continue to push on and not give up. To not take things for granted. To make good every opportunity we have to make ourselves better—-to carry on!

To love and care for each other.

Thank you for the inspiration, little angel. May light be with you——always.