Dear Huaihao

Mommy want to say sorry so much. And I understand now why.

Huaihao fell vulnerable to stomach virus this month, temperatures soared up to 39.7 and we were on the verge of sending you to hospital.

You vomitted twice. You complained of tummy ache, and had diarrhoea. But i remembered the fever protocol, to swipe you with a peppermint salt water every 20 min, and miraculously , the temperature started sliding and going south.

How did this happen?

In those 2 days, it was alot of swiping, lots of oiling, raindrop, flu bomb, wintergreen and copaiba, copaiba under the tongue and super Cs. Lots of paracetamol too. Lots of wiping you down with a towel.

Then so very thankfully, the temperatures just came down and remained normal.

But a few days later, you became slightly clingy and got mommy so angry.

One afternoon after school, you wanted me to feed you lunch, to sit down with you and watch you eat. You cried and became whiny and so very unreasonable.

I had to beat your backside to get you to stop.

But I could have stopped what I did to address you.

The second afternoon, you saw the mask daddy brought and was unhappy with the design, As usual, you wouldn’t say and got whiny. Afterwards when you finally said why you were whiny because you didnt like the cartoon print on the mask, you wanted me to shower you. I was busy, and said that if you wanted a shower, you had to wait for me to finish up. But you wouldn’t listen and insisted. I gave in.

Yet you weren’t following and continued to take your own time. Totally frustrated, i gave you my piece of mind in the shower and rubbed you harshly so much that I felt I was doing you harm.

What if you decided on something just because of this incident? My consciousness thought ?What if this incident left you an imprint unknowingly?

What if I really caused you and your cells hurt just because of my rubbing? At the point I was doing this, I did feel the harm I am causing to you. SO much

The more I thought, the more I regretted and got angry at myself, one for losing my cool , two, for causing hurt to you, my precious baby, three for getting upset with myself.

And I knew what was disturbing me. I was totally frustrated with your dad.

I was so upset I blamed him so much. I held him responsible for making me frustrated and for causing you this hurt.

But what can blame and regret do?

Can it save any of this?

It was just so wrong.I was so regretful I carried you on my lap and I apologised to you for losing my cool. I explained to you how I felt and you cried.

You seemed to know.

I was so tired I took a nap, just so utterly disappointed with myself.

Sleep is great and helpful. It helps me clear my mind. When I woke up, there was better clarity, that if all I thought of was judging myself negatively, feeling regretful and getting angry at myself, now I could see that its not easy to choose your emotions.

This event also taught me further—-to own my emotions and not to easily let another have the freedom to use them in any way.

How can I be responsible for my own emotions? How can I not get carried away?

I had an idea, this event helped me by showing me the gap that is present between theory (saying that you can choose your reaction) vs the pressing emotions when caught in a situation. Now I know its hard to even notice there’s a gap in between the above two, that space is where change can truly happen.

At bedtime, I took the chance to speak to you again. I apologised to you for losing my cool and tried to work out the circumstance to explain why I did what I did.

What if Huaihao had another idea on the mask ? That the designs were cute rather then his actual whiny reaction to a cartoon designed mask?

I told Huaihao I felt so bad brushing his body harshly and he says thats just how papa always does to him.

That was another big blow.

Your little body has been absorbing so many frustrations and anger or emotions from adults who havent been able to manage their emotions.

And I understand now why? Why do I get so disturbed ? It’s because I experienced emotional letdowns and fallouts and absorbed unconsciously and now ——- and now I m repeating it and you are experiencing it

I learnt two things here, i was caught up in my own reality own drama own interpretations, and there’s a gap between what I perceive and what reality is.

I learn to recognise how hard it is if there weren’t awareness, for us to breakthrough of cycles We ourselves have been sucked into and is propelled into repeating.

If Huaihao has a shower by daddy, thats how he gets it—in a rather harsh manner. No wonder he wants me to shower him! He simply prefers my gentler gestures!

And I thought of one other thing, I m beginning to think of what lessons this event can bring me? So that I make it worthwhile and do not repeat this.

The lesson or inspiration is that—-its one thing to bring hurt onto oneself, because of one’s silliness, ignorance, unrepentant attitude, limited views or perspectives, anger, whatever

But its another thing ——-when because of one’s silliness, ignorance, unrepentant attitude, limited views or perspectives, anger, whatever——-we instill hurt onto our loved ones.

It is pain and suffering that nothing in the world can do

And I tell myself, I dont want this system anymore! I have made mistakes with Qinzhi before, being harsh to her. And I do not want to repeat my mistakes.

How long more? Just how long more, do I want to not take things seriously, to procrastinate?

I made the decision to commit to create change at a deeper level. Thats the only thing I can do to make it better.

And I just had to remain silent. I just couldn’t speak. If my son is hurt, i m a hundred times more.

That day I brought huaihao and qinzhi to dinner, this little boy wanted to wear the Singapore colours.

And we were preparing for ah mei ayi’s new house, huaihao drew and painted on canvas, with a note: please be happy!

And I m more than happy huaihao has found something he likes, draw. Its something he can sit down with, something he can be quiet with, and allows his imagination to roam

There’s a lot of healing in this process. I can only be thankful

On another day, Huaihao came back on the verge of crying. He and granddad had been waiting for qinzhi for 30min after dismissal but qinzhi still isnt out.

He couldn’t take it anymore after bearing it down, until he came home and saw me.

He says, “i haven been thinking, should i cry or not? But i m afraid that grandpa will scold me if i cried in his car.”

So he bore it down but cannot suppress it any longer.

He came home washed up and hugged me from behind.

I just let him cry.

He says he is worried abt qinzhi and feels fearful because she hasn’t stepped out of school after so long.

Little darling! just be with your emotions! They are the most important, and shouldn’t be pressed down.