In my self reiki session this morning, I saw something which gave me joy.

I saw myself back in my junior college uniform that quiet girl in a ponytail, always that obedient, hardworking one classmates worked at opening up

I sort of saw a dark cloud over her, and the energy she has is so low.

I saw why she’s like that, behaving like this out of the circumstances and the environment in her family. What were the feelings? Shamefulness ? Maybe not that strong but to that effect! I was one of the three from my secondary school to get into a top JC, but I felt inadequate compared to my peers who were from top secondary schools.

I felt like I didnt match up. And I would work so hard to be on par, there were students from top families in the upper echelons of society, who was I?

I was sandwiched between 2 types of feelings. On one hand, I wanted to excel very much to prove my worth, and to breakthrough the strata I was cooped into. I wanted to prove that even if my family was not well off, had no connections, my parents are not big figures, I could do well too. On the other hand, I didnt really want to talk about my family. And at that time, it was beginning to crumble. There was a sense of wanting to wrap these up and keep it inside. So long as it all looks good on the front.

That made the me then! And it felt like I was in a shadow and not out in the clear. Heavy and sullen.

I could write all these things now, and as I wrote, I found that I have found a distance between me and her.

It felt like there was no pain no right no wrong, I felt slightly sorry and wanted to share some light with her. So I breathed in and sent some light and love over.

It felt like I could see why she’s behaving in this way, and with understanding, there is acceptance, there’s not even regret but just empathy and compassion.

I acknowledge that it hasn’t been easy for her. And more importantly, its all over now. IF not for that period, I wouldn’t be here today, or I would be writing another set of story today.

Separately, one of those days, I was at home, I just felt happiness in the everydayness of life, the weather was hot, the kids chirping, ordering me around wanting this and that, so many things to do, and the husband is helping, sometimes isnt helping. There remains so much to do, to push to get everyone going.

But I also tasted bliss and contentment, gratitude and ————something to the lines of, the nature of life.

Om ma ne pad me hum.