Month: April 2020

Inner Engineering

Inner Engineering

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Saw a video on the Isha Kriya page and Sadhguru talks about external and chronic health issues

Whereas infectious external ones are caused by something on the outside , chronic ones develop from within the body and has to be quelled from the inside

Sadhguru explains that while the body and cells r designed for health, sometimes the body develops these chronic conditions as something fundamental has gone off balance, or there is a certain understanding or misunderstanding about things within the system itself, at the cellular level, at the elemental level, so instead of creating health its creating ill health . And we may be incubating this misunderstanding in many ways

So this can be altered by bringing about a certain level of balance in the system, activating a inner energy and accessing the innermost dimension of who you are, which is the very maker of this body

If there is a repair job to be done on this body, should you go to the manufacturer or the local mechanic?

Because the problem is generated from within, it is very important that an inner solution be found for this—->

the inner engineering process is about this, that you find access to the deepest dimension of intelligence and competence within ourselves which is capable of generating this body

The simplest step that one needs to take is that one becomes open to the possibility first of all.

I look at myself and ask what causes the keloids and cyst

The keloids, as I have read, is a result of overhealing. The cyst, absorbed water from the surroundings.

Over active!

Hardened.

The first idea that came to mind, was that I have perhaps (mis)understood that in the face of difficulties, I have to harden up, toughen up in order to survive

I jumped the gun.

Rather than to be as it is, as I m. I reacted overzealously by toughening up. I thought that was the only way.

Expanding on this, the (mis)understanding is to be perfect (when I m not). There was no compassion or empathy towards myself , no respect no acknowledgement of myself

I did not cherish myself and always relegated myself to something else

With this understanding, I have to rework myself and see how this can help my body.

Learning to slow down, learning to be aware, learning to break the circuit of overreacting, of jumping the gun, or the habit to toughen up or stiffen is so so important.

Learning to be soft, malleable, flexible, learning to be fluid. Learning to accept.

It is moving when we are together

It is moving when we are together

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So at 755pm yesterday night there was a countrywide Sing-a-long of the song HOME with flashlights at the window

You are invited to hashtag the footage of the family singing and then the national broadcaster will compile and present the footage of all singing at 1030pm

And then at 1030pm and this is what it is

And seeing this footage made me tear up. Well of course the lyrics and the melody is touching and calls out to you. But more than this, I think the answer is that hearts are together

When hearts are together people or souls are connected and connected as one

You feel the same feelings you feel resonance

And you feel strength and power in together

And that, is moving.

I know what I want

I know what I want

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I saw this video of Max Busser whom I have interviewed 11 years ago and I knew what I want to do

After leaving M, I sort of explored my options. I went back to writing , I did some freelance work for an organic vegetable brand I believed in and ended up performing like a permanent staff but is paid freelance rate

I sort of felt like a part of me —— vanished

Then I saw this video of Max Busser and it brought that part of me, now dormant back to life

I thought of what Teacher asked me—- what do you want ?

I haven’t really been asking myself that question professionally speaking

But maybe I asked and the universe is sending me an answer in the form of this video

I WANT TO TELL INSPIRING STORIES OF EXTRAORDINARY PEOPLE. I WANT TO BE THAT ONE TO TELL THAT STORY WITH TPY’s TOUCH. I KNOW I WILL AND CAN MAKE THE/A DIFFERENCE

AND SO IT IS

Tuning in to your quiet power

Tuning in to your quiet power

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Saw this Vimeo by Tracee Stanley and had the opportunity to go through this video with her

And I love it!

In the midst of it, I noticed how the right side of the body is more open than the left. The left was tighter and denser and more constricted more pressured and more compressed

I felt also a slight pressure in between my eyes. Not like a headache but more like a feel of energy

Tracee asked a few qns and I wrote them down:

1) what is your tool of stability? Breath

2)who r the people who connect you to stability ? Mr Ng/Yen/My reiki Teachers Stephan and Suneeta, and The release teachers

3) how do I honour my connection others ? By respecting them, acknowledging them, by being present for them

4) how do I honour my connection to earth? By learning to love her, recognize and be happy in her, by being in nature and appreciating her

5) what is my unique gift that helps me connect to others, to earth to the cosmos to everything that is? I think writing or expressing my innermost voice or thoughts honestly authentically truthfully and totally is my gift

I hope you find time for this video and to connect with your inner most quiet and——-power

No Reason

No Reason

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This morning before everyone woke, I took some time by myself

And as I went through the little bits of self reiki, I felt a stream of fear anxiety rising upwards at my heart my chest my abdomen area. I tried to look at it

Are these remnants or habitual reactions that have come on?

Then at a certain spot, I heard ———- No Reason

It just is or how it is. No reason required

I m beginning to see how these self care time on my own is bringing in returns on self discovery

I m seeing so many things making so many discoveries reliving emotions and experiences and deriving yet more new understandings and emotions

In quiet, in stillness and calmness, these things show up and are distilled from life

I watch them with wow

Realising Me xxi

Realising Me xxi

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In my self reiki session this morning, I saw something which gave me joy.

I saw myself back in my junior college uniform that quiet girl in a ponytail, always that obedient, hardworking one classmates worked at opening up

I sort of saw a dark cloud over her, and the energy she has is so low.

I saw why she’s like that, behaving like this out of the circumstances and the environment in her family. What were the feelings? Shamefulness ? Maybe not that strong but to that effect! I was one of the three from my secondary school to get into a top JC, but I felt inadequate compared to my peers who were from top secondary schools.

I felt like I didnt match up. And I would work so hard to be on par, there were students from top families in the upper echelons of society, who was I?

I was sandwiched between 2 types of feelings. On one hand, I wanted to excel very much to prove my worth, and to breakthrough the strata I was cooped into. I wanted to prove that even if my family was not well off, had no connections, my parents are not big figures, I could do well too. On the other hand, I didnt really want to talk about my family. And at that time, it was beginning to crumble. There was a sense of wanting to wrap these up and keep it inside. So long as it all looks good on the front.

That made the me then! And it felt like I was in a shadow and not out in the clear. Heavy and sullen.

I could write all these things now, and as I wrote, I found that I have found a distance between me and her.

It felt like there was no pain no right no wrong, I felt slightly sorry and wanted to share some light with her. So I breathed in and sent some light and love over.

It felt like I could see why she’s behaving in this way, and with understanding, there is acceptance, there’s not even regret but just empathy and compassion.

I acknowledge that it hasn’t been easy for her. And more importantly, its all over now. IF not for that period, I wouldn’t be here today, or I would be writing another set of story today.

Separately, one of those days, I was at home, I just felt happiness in the everydayness of life, the weather was hot, the kids chirping, ordering me around wanting this and that, so many things to do, and the husband is helping, sometimes isnt helping. There remains so much to do, to push to get everyone going.

But I also tasted bliss and contentment, gratitude and ————something to the lines of, the nature of life.

Om ma ne pad me hum.

7 Yrs 3 Mths

7 Yrs 3 Mths

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Dear Huaihao

I have been reading the gokai at bedtime and one day you asked if I have fulfilled all my duties?

haha

What do you mean?

“Because I do not want you to leave the room, I want you to be with me”

Huaihao’s a light sleeper and if i left the room, there were times he would wake up in the middle of the night to look for me, sometimes i would be in the study or in the living room and he would insist that I sleep next to him.

“Sleep,” he would say and kiss and put his little hands over me.

That day I was so busy I delayed everything but attend to channeling my efforts to helping with the food industry pro bono.

Huaihao came to me at midnight and insists I go and sleep.

When I didnt, he came out to the study again to get me. Then when I didn’t go to bed, he came to the kitchen to look for me.

In half plea half anger tone, he ordered: “Sleep”

And on the bed again, he was tossing and turning and saw that perhaps I was contemplating to sneak “Sleep Mommy”

His insistence was so sure, I felt like that was another soul and not just Huaihao but something greater.

Love this little angel! Although I kept saying he has to start sleeping on his own, going to bed every night and sleeping with him gives me too much to be grateful for.

And one night when he accidentally wet his pyjamas, I asked him to just change into a new set of clothes, but he says he will use the hairdryer to dry.

“Its never too late, Mommy ”

He proudly showed off dryer than before PJs and said, “Now you know right, its not too late”

One morning, I was lying on the bed for my self reiki and Huaihao suggests, “ can I give you a massage mommy? “

Why? I asked.

“ Because I want you to sleep”

So he did and I fell asleep

Today he asked me again if we should go to the bed and let him massage me

And we did. And my self reiki sessions now morph into a pre session with massage .

I used the opportunity to invite HuaiHao to rub his hands together and feel the ball of energy in between

Then I told him where my left shoulder hurts and he can put his hands there

And I would allow myself the time and space to feel his magic and I did and shared with him. 

Maybe Huaihao knew I was tired, even if I did not allow myself to rest.

A few days ago, HuaiHao has been naughty and I started slapping his legs

I felt bad doing that and apologized to him. I asked myself if I should apologize and even if it seemed like mommy needn’t need to apologize but punishing a child, I felt I had to .

And I thought about my own experience. My mother used to slap me on my thighs and leave fingerprints on if I didnt obey

I slapped HuaiHao at exactly the same spots

I apologized because I felt that this is not a wise way of educating a kid and I had to spot for choosing that method. 

I asked him , did you feel hurt? And he nodded his head

I explained to him why I did that and told him that I did not want to do this again. I asked for his forgiveness and he said, its okay. 

He said he understood and felt better now that I apologized 

One day out of boredom, Huaihao decided to write a book, in the book Huaihao was dreaming (of cats!haha) and mommy was cooking in the kitchen. Then Huaihao got up and looked for me and wrote that I was cooking rice. Rice was Huaihao’s favourite food.

How wonderful! You have began to write your own book, you have found a way out for yourself and at such a young age,

Please continue to write my dear, this is such a precious gift, writing will connect you to yourself first and foremost, you will learn to put the words to your feelings which helps in awareness or mindfulness. And probably, it could connect you with the world

But besides writing, you had a gift for drawing as well

This made my day, how cute!

And this is one of my favourite pieces. Huaihao flying! Sun smiling, clouds smiling!

Most of all, Huaihao smiling.

And green is green, yellow is yellow.

Feels like Huaihao is feeling free and I m so happy for Huaihao! When can I feel so free?

What an inspiration!

Huaihao didnt have that much homework as Qinzhi so there was more free time, and you were easily finding for things to do, and so I did, you loved quail eggs and so you got to peel them!

And then I let you and Qinzhi cook eggs

But your favourite was working on Lego and you have been working on so

many wonderful creations like this one and you would always ask me to listen to your designs

Sometimes I was busy and didnt seem like I was interested and you would go, please, just 5 minutes

Awwww…..

This is just one of the many creations Huaihao has composed. A vehicle that can transform into a gun, with lots of movable parts that can transform too.

Transform and being flexible, agile, malleable ! Thank you for reminding me Huaihao, when you kept on wanting to show me your designs and asked if I have time for you.

And we played shooting games at the stairs as you advent stepped outdoors in like 10 plus days.

Time after these was home based learning , there was zoom, online and offline tasks and you did them really quickly

But more so, time was spent eating!

Mommy cooked healthy things for us all and you loved it

Most of all, you enjoyed açai so much.

Love you Huaihao. Thank you for loving Mommy.

Release

Release

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A few days back, I had the chance to get acquainted with the Lindwall technique of release

It’s basically tapping into one’s awareness and releasing all that programs wiring negativity we have absorbed into our bodies our psyche

And we voice out releasing statements to change the energy field

Finally we rewire and set a new intention to start out with a new set of laws for ourselves

And today I find myself experiencing its wonder

After the sauna session I went to my “place” in the kitchen

It’s where I can face the sun and receive lots of morning light and wind

I closed my eyes and breathed in

And a wondrous journey began

I wanted to work on my skin my keloids and I started saying

I want to release the keloids

I want to release all the painful suffering the skin remembers in this area of my body

And I was brought back to the time dad has to have an operation on his spine and we had to move from tampines to geylang and to move in with ah ma, my aunties and uncles in a terrace house

This part of my body and the keloids I always associated them with the time dad had the operation and was in hospital

That I had to visit him at mount Elizabeth in the intensive care unit with all the tubes and the cold room with a smell of medication

Earlier on , I had seen this fear I carried as a child this anxiety fear of death fear of falling sick fear of hospitals doctors

Until today I had this fear

The energy was there and with my maternal grandmother getting cancer, mom’s sudden demise, uncle tripping and missing his foothold to death, my auntie choosing to fall from death

I sense of my facial muscles tightened how my eyes squinted as I went through this

I come back to release

I release all the fear that I have with these incidents

I release all fear I experienced shouldering as I visited these people in hospital

I release all fear my mother or my family as when we went to the hospital

I release all fear I have going through their funeral and their deaths

then shock came to mind

Yes shock! Earth shattering shock

I release these all

And I open myself up to calm

To groundedness to peace to joy to healthfulness you perfectness

Going back to the memory, where in the past I stopped at seeing the fear I experienced

The amazing thing is , I saw for myself now what I and then mommy felt moving in with ah ma

Ah mania the matriarch and the patriarch

She was the tribe leader and everyone obeyed here commands

I felt that tightness of having to obey to be careful to be prim and proper to be what others want of me

I learned to submit to authorities

I learned to say yes

I learned to compromise and follow rules

I walked on my toes and be fearful

I had to be good

To be perfect

And I learned to keep myself inside

My truest feelings

I didn’t allow myself to be me

I release the need to hide

I release my feelings of being second class

I release all the anger all the frustration of having to bow down

I release my feelings of not being enough

Of forever not good enough as mommy lived in fear of living up to ah ma’s standards and having to bow down to my father’s sisters

At the same time I saw my mother !!!

She was having all these in greater and extreme intensity

At one hand she is so alone experiencing all tris fear of losing her husband and having to worry about finances

At the other hand, she had to live in a household that has great expectations and laws

I absorbed all she felt !!!

And I release all this for mother

All these for mother

And may mother wherever she is now, experience all the light all the wonder all the healing she deserves all of it

She is enough

She is

And so it is

And I feel so grateful so full of thankfulness and joyful that I have the chance to do this release for her

And with that I open myself up to support to consciousness to healing myself

I open up to creating TPY

It’s basically tapping into one’s awareness and releasing all that programs wiring negativity we have absorbed into our bodies our psyche

And we voice out releasing statements to change the energy field

Finally we rewire and set a new intention to start out with a new set of laws for ourselves

And today I find myself experiencing its wonder

After the sauna session I went to my “place” in the kitchen

It’s where I can face the sun and receive lots of morning light and wind

I closed my eyes and breathed in

And a wondrous journey began

I wanted to work on my skin my keloids and I started saying

I want to release the keloids

I want to release all the painful suffering the skin remembers in this area of my body

And I was brought back to the time dad has to have an operation on his spine and we had to move from tampines to geylang and to move in with ah ma, my aunties and uncles in a terrace house

This part of my body and the keloids I always associated them with the time dad had the operation and was in hospital

That I had to visit him at mount Elizabeth in the intensive care unit with all the tubes and the cold room with a smell of medication

Earlier on , I had seen this fear I carried as a child this anxiety fear of death fear of falling sick fear of hospitals doctors

Until today I had this fear

The energy was there and with my maternal grandmother getting cancer, mom’s sudden demise, uncle tripping and missing his foothold to death, my auntie choosing to fall from death

I sense of my facial muscles tightened how my eyes squinted as I went through this

I come back to release

I release all the fear that I have with these incidents

I release all fear I experienced shouldering as I visited these people in hospital

I release all fear my mother or my family as when we went to the hospital

I release all fear I have going through their funeral and their deaths

then shock came to mind

Yes shock! Earth shattering shock

I release these all

And I open myself up to calm

To groundedness to peace to joy to healthfulness you perfectness

Going back to the memory, where in the past I stopped at seeing the fear I experienced

The amazing thing is , I saw for myself now what I and then mommy felt moving in with ah ma

Ah mania the matriarch and the patriarch

She was the tribe leader and everyone obeyed here commands

I felt that tightness of having to obey to be careful to be prim and proper to be what others want of me

I learned to submit to authorities

I learned to say yes

I learned to compromise and follow rules

I walked on my toes and be fearful

I had to be good

To be perfect

And I learned to keep myself inside

My truest feelings

I didn’t allow myself to be me

I release the need to hide

I release my feelings of being second class

I release all the anger all the frustration of having to bow down

I release my feelings of not being enough

Of forever not good enough as mommy lived in fear of living up to ah ma’s standards and having to bow down to my father’s sisters

At the same time I saw my mother !!!

She was having all these in greater and extreme intensity

At one hand she is so alone experiencing all tris fear of losing her husband and having to worry about finances

At the other hand, she had to live in a household that has great expectations and laws

I absorbed all she felt !!!

And I release all this for mother

All these for mother

And may mother wherever she is now, experience all the light all the wonder all the healing she deserves all of it

She is enough

She is

And so it is

And I feel so grateful so full of thankfulness and joyful that I have the chance to do this release for her

And with that I open myself up to support to consciousness to healing myself

I open up to creating TPY

11 Years 2 Months

11 Years 2 Months

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Dear Qinzhi

It seemed like yesterday that we were walking to school 5 days a week, but how much the world has changed since then.

SG launched into circuit breaker mode on 7 April, and we have been home since then.

When the world was to you home, school, orchard road and the others, the world became home. I wonder how you think, hmmmm, I didnt really ask you how you felt.

I would love to know.

Since then, you have not really stepped out of our block of flats, at most, you and Huaihao played outside of our house, we turned the staircase into some sort of a game area.

Mommy tried to involve you and Huaihao in cooking and you love it!

And of course, you had home based learning.

You loved the zoom meetings with your friends and teachers. You had online and offline tasks. Some days were good and some were not so good.

You didnt really like homework.

One day, you just didnt feel like doing anything.

Papa said you were lazy, and that you dont even want to practise or do tongue exercise, you lashed out crying and said, “i dont know how to do it!”

The cry was one of inadequacy and helplessness.

Mommy tried to talk to you because indeed, work is piling up and you didnt exactly know how to work around them. so at best, you just did it and didnt bother about understanding.

We had a heart to heart talk.

I asked you, if you had used your heart to spend the moments, which were not ever going to come back and you didnt, would you regret?

I could see that you were moved.

I told you how I had a piano and an organ when I was 7 but I didnt appreciate it too, and now I regret, because I didnt really use my heart then.

I hope that by sharing my experience with you, you needn’t have to go in circles, like I did to understand things. I told you so,

I said that if you knew what you wanted in life, and you did it with your heart, you would succeed and you needn’t even have to attend school, which was just one option of the many we could take out in life.

I encouraged you to work out a simple plan to carry about your activities, the ones you need to work on, and to rest and do the things you like.

The next day, you worked well.

And at the end of it, I did a quick summing up and told you that although it was busy, you had the satisfaction of working through it because you persevered.

On this day, papa cooked breakfast, how was it?

I think it was pretty good. The last time he cooked, it was when you were in my tummy, and he would do this kind of breakfast.

But Mommy had nicer things and all that Qinzhi liked.

Everyday was busy, for you and for me. I tried to keep everything neat and comfortable for you, I cooked meals you liked, I went to source for good ingredients even if it might be a bit difficult, I went to get different food you like,

On weekends we ordered in just to give you some variety and exposure to what is available,

I hope these little bits helped you form some yummy memories of this extraordinary time we live in.

Or perhaps, we choose to live in.

Most of all, I wanted to see you smile and be happy and to let you know, even if we are at home, we are not confined and can continue to eat well and live well.

And when you look back later on in life, you will remember this time and the yummy things you have eaten will give you all the strength and inspiration you need to be well and happy .

What do you want?

What do you want?

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What do you actually/really want TPY? Do you even know?

Teacher checked on me from afar and asked me these. Faced with a message like this, I couldn’t really come up with an answer.

He says, “You are working on yourself and that is the most important task.

You are working on many fronts and that can be quite overwhelming. 

I was wondering if you have a top 3 list of the most important points to resolve;

Which would give you the greatest release and relief?”

I took some time to mull over these.

1) I want to heal the cyst completely

2) I want to heal the keloids completely

3) I want to heal/accept my past experiences without judgement and achieve balance/ peace with the most important men in my life, my father and my husband

Seems like a lot to do!

I think part 3 I have said it like 20 years ago but I m still at it! Ha and in the time I have achieved little progress, the cyst has came on and so did the size of the keloid and the inflammation brought on

Teacher said, “Back to the 3 points. To resolve or remove an issue (or layer) i have to identify, to become aware, recognise it (out of the shadow into the light). So i can face it. “

I think I recognized but didn’t really want to face it, out of fear and worry of what may come. This fear and worry is reaction out of habitual patterns I have accumulated since there was me, or patterns I have become accustomed to, I have consciously or unconsciously absorbed into my system from people around me.

It is the acceptance part I have problems with.

Logically I can understand choices made and how or why, but emotionally and therefore energetically, I am still in need of help to totally accept these events.

Why must I accept all these? When I feel like I am at the victim end of it ? And have to suffer and go through so much as a result of others choices? My logical mind asks. The events seem so bizarre and—— unimaginable——Is it even right to accept these?

So these years, I have been caught in a mix of—- working at these, sometimes feeling more acceptance, sometimes leaving things there, sometimes pressing them down. Going in circles.

Teacher went on to say , “Coming from the past it can not be undone. But instead of fighting or repressing it, I will accept it.

Once accepting/acknowledge the fact from a distant point of view, I can look at it observe it from a safe distance. So I can forgive my past self and those involved in the past 

And then, this is the most important part, I will be able to neutralise the judging thoughts and emotions which have held me back. Looking at the past without judgement (positive/negative), will free me from all the burdens which I have carried around and have weighted me down.

Then I can move on to the next one.

All human beings we have experiences and stories…all. The difference on how well we live in the present, is how much we can let go from the past.”

Teacher reminded me to ground whenever I need. “ In these cases just ground yourself… with heart centred, joshin kokyu or and other grounding exercise in a sitting position.”

And I saw this: The purpose of being alive is to experience life itself, to learn to create to inspire.

And then I saw this:

What would your vision be?