Month: March 2020

Realising Me xi

Realising Me xi

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Above all, it’s about being at peace. Being able to find that spot of balance amidst all the fluctuations, the swinging ups and downs.

Where is that place?

I can surely find it

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I got a message from Stephan who let me know a bit more about the keloids.

I got it from a cut and then things started coming out. When was it, in my early twenties, when my survival was challenged at the max, when I experienced my parents leaving our side one after another, both are choices they made we had to bite and chew in, like it or not.

I told Stephan I really wanted to find out what was causing it, and after discounting food, I ate very clean already, I could only guess that its stress, anger and emotions causing it to be inflamed.

But I did not really see the connection, until he spoke about externalising emotions.

“They try violently to surface to be notice, even piercing through the armour.”

When I had to suppress or press down, when I had no time for them, when I wasnt prioritising myself not even (wanting to) see them, they came out another way. Something like this.

Talk about eating spring vegetables and their springing out of the soil, with what might they have.

Thats me, no matter how wrecked I have been, I spring back up. I guess my emotions have the same streak of resolute too. Why, they are me!

And so the lesson is to see and hear them. Not suppressing not managing situations but in the process, not giving air and recognition or acknowledgement to my self.

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Huaihao’s beginning to put his hands on me.

That day I told him my left shoulder is hurting, he immediately placed his hands on me and sent me some “pinky love”.

I took the chance to tell him about the magic and the power our hands have. So in the event of need, and no one like mommy is around, he can always count on himself to address the area of need, simply by just putting his hands and feeling the “ball of energy” and sending pinky love

At bedtime, we had a little chat and I told him how much he mattered to me. How grateful I am to have him and Qinzhi, and he says, “I m thankful too, mommy”

And he put his hands out to hug me

No, I think he would never know, how much motivation, energy, consolation, love he has given me to spur me on. He is my constant reminder to look for a new alternative, new ways of doing things, new attitudes or perspectives.

So I actually bought him a Lego in Osaka on my last trip and I really hoped he liked it. More so, I wrote him a note, to tell him how precious he is.

Before sleeping he plants these soft kisses on my cheek many times and I would smile. In the morning when he awakes he does the same and would be happy if I smile

I was trying to do some reiki as I lay down on the bed and I thought of my fave—— cupping both ears and I wanted HuaiHao to do that for me.

Before I knew it he had his little body on me and it feels like doing me a full reiki

And every bit of it came through me and out from my eyes and he asked—— why are you teary?

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And I fall between awareness and out of it.

When I am aware I tell myself to use this opportunity as another chance to practice to better myself to find another way out

He is forcing me or the circumstances are forcing me navigate using what good energy I have to draw every single inch of awareness and light out of what I have, making me break boundaries and bring out the best of myself

Other times I m crazy angry and feel the depth of pain

When I was showering and looking at the water, the anger in me rose . I heard myself say all the things in my mind .

Then I realized I have confined my innermost thoughts to certain times and places like in a shower or when I m alone

I do not really allow myself the space to be with these thoughts whenever I liked but it was always whenever I could

So they came out all the same but in the form of toxin released through the skin

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At the spa at RC

And I had to ask mom, my paternal and maternal grandma and my husband’s mom, what can I do to make my husband understand me or how to wake him up?

And I realized all these womenfolk just gave of themselves in their marriage and suffered in silence

There was no one to turn to to air their views or get help or just, rightfully claim their views. They were always subjugated to a lower level than their husbands

And I realized I have to chart my own path and to decide on my own. To find my own way

Not theirs

It’s my life

And what do I do with someone who doesn’t love me appreciate me respect me?

Why do I even want him in my life?

I thought about all the silly things that ran through my mind . HuaiHao’s cries and left to his own when he falls or needs help, Qinzhi’s seizures, my own health….

All these things don’t wake him up. And we should be conscious not to use ourselves or risk our well being just to wake another up

We have to always tend to ourselves and prioritize ourselves before anything

And as I used the water jet in the spa, I used it on my back my shoulders to wash it of any burden trauma pain hurt that might have stayed there

I saw the orange lit water sparks in the bath so beautiful, I learn to cocreate with it and to wash myself

And I promise myself as I step out—— to offer myself more space to air my own views and emotions

They are too too important to be let down or hidden

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I hear another voice

They are all voices lashing out at my husband and I say to them

I acknowledge you

I have given them space in my own world so they needn’t be suppressed

JustDoWhatWeCan

JustDoWhatWeCan

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I must have kept asking myself what to do? What else can I do?

And the answer came to me, in a next question——I asked myself what is important?

I am important.

And unlike the past, when I was attending to everyone else but me.

Unlike the past when I had to juggle many things at one time, I choose to do one.

I can only do one thing at one time, properly. So heal first, devote myself to healing first.

And the answer came again, thru a delivery boy, I had to bring forward an organic box delivery which he helped me to. I thanked him for kindly helping and he said—-

“We only do what we can”

How awesome. Yah right——If I can’t even breathe well now, why do I even bother about other things? Other emotions? Others needs?

My focus should be on breathing well.

Simple as that

We can only do what we can

然后看到这段文字，很是欣喜——-

“对于命运给他出的种种难题，他选择惊叹和爱，非怨恨和轻蔑。他说，爱是一个所在，我们从那里来。它是一个生命依然存在的所在。 ———-加泰罗尼亚诗人胡安·马葛”

是的。我们可以选择我们的反应

我们可以选择我们反应出来的情绪

Realizing Me x

Realizing Me x

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Today I felt the body toughen up as I lugged the school bags

It’s a new degree of understanding- like in a flash you saw the muscles tighten

Ahhh so I am still toughening up! That was a discovery! I am still using that set of habits to get about my daily chores

Why? Of course !

I had known that method that habit for at least 20years

Shouldering. Toughening up with brut strength and force

Meeting a challenge by garnering all that I have. Forcing my way through without a care or concern for myself.

With all my might.

And as I saw the traffic light turn green I was ready to rush for it

I felt how

I felt my body stiffen so readily in a bit to chase

Forcing myself into the situation

Then I asked how else I could do this?

I tried to chase without the toughening

To watch the subtleties

And it felt better

Lighter

I continued to intentionally send light to the girl that was me, shouldering it all—— that was when I was carrying the bags

And I told myself to be mindful

Let every step make the difference

And this morning , HuaiHao saw the moon

Then I saw it again after kissing the kids goodbye

And as I walked back I saw the moon more and more

And as I took the last photo

It was as if o was giving the moon a face

And then I realized how the and why plane got close to the moon

Just by moving

The plane moved I moved

We must move ourselves first

We can change how things look or appear

Isn’t that wonderful?

Just by moving ourselves not anything else

Knowing this gives you power

And then I got home and saw the sun brimming at me

I ask it for all the light power wisdom happiness joy peace that I need to heal

And yet another lesson is — look up

Oh and

I used the Crystal yesterday

When I slept it was with me

And I wrote om on my tummy with it

This morning when I reiki myself

I used it again and felt its immense power

I began to draw circles starting small and from the navel outwards

Then bigger and bigger ones and still felt it’s pull and energy

How amazing!

And now as I finish writing this sentence

I know I m creating a safe bubble of space here that is supported for myself

Realising Me ix

Realising Me ix

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As I carried these bags I want to go back to the times I carried the heaviest things and did not feel anything

The weight of my father’s debt

The family’s survival

My new work and it’s demands

My siblings

Being mother or anchor to my family

My own life

I actually want to go back. Ha

I want to go back —— to offer lovingly, sunshine, wind, rain light to that girl who has hardened up and chose to take everything on, out of love and responsibility for the family —— and yet, is angry at herself

I want these elements of nature to support her heal her listen to her caress her love her hug her 

And I saw her hold up her head and nod—- feeling more ready and supported ——- even if the burdens are still the same.

She knows she is supported greatly

And as I m typing this in this bus, I saw a globe of orange

The sun on his way up

So magnificent I want to cry

So beautiful 

And I m here to witness it

And I have the chance of experiencing its power might and light ——— after all

I want to soak up all its goodness all the light all the wisdom it embodies

I want to gift it unto myself

And because of these little changes I have made to my life, everyday becomes a practice. And everyday you derive different understandings from the practice. Like a distillation of sorts.

And today I realized how important Stephan’s sharing is: On the part of Guan Yin

Having her and many versions of her on my navel- the symbolic significance is that I m a bodhisattva

Without being arrogant or prideful , this is exactly what the Buddhist teachings are saying

Everyone is a Buddha

And CAN be a Buddha when we realize the essence of life 

Emptiness

And emptiness EVEN AFTER all experiences, pain, suffering, happiness, exhilaration

Or the willingness to become like an open empty vessel again

Finding peace with oneself with others with life

Remembering this, just knowing what Stephan said of the guan yin at the navel gave me a lot of power and strength

That I should use it to motivate myself to greater good

And never give in give up easily

To always seek out another way another way another way ——— there must be so many

That I m more and can be more than what it seems or I am now

It gave me a powerful shot of wisdom in an instant and can guide me to making all the big and little choices in life

Knowing that she is listening to me

Supporting me 

WITH ME

And makes me want to work harder to realize myself 

Like —— wanting to model after her and be a better tpy

Truly shiny truly peaceful and joyful at heart

914am on a swing Telok Ayer:

I just had a back bend yoga session

And in the midst of it

I actually felt like crying . Feels like things are surfacing

Pain and suffering actually.

Could have been the Heart Sutra Mantra or some gatte gatte prayer they played in the background as we went through the poses

The instructor is opening my body up and a terror really.

Now as I write, I know why! Well the force he is using to open me up in yoga poses, made me KNOW all the force I applied on myself and

I just teared up

I couldn’t and wouldn’t even know how much a terror I was onto myself until now

But in the session, I want to open up and I did, amidst all the pain

It was a nice experience feeling yourself being lifted and pivoting on the navel

How much support has it given me all the while without me realizing 

It’s terrifying to do an inversion even if you are on the ground and you are just bringing yourself backwards

I feel like I m only supported by my head and I m not balanced and any other movement will have me break my neck

I tried to look into the instructor’s eyes and to find trust 

I couldn’t bring myself to

And I kept asking him to put me down 

Bring me back

I say I m falling and he says no: “You are just afraid”

And I remember Stephan say, “do not be afraid, have no fear”

Then my thoughts drifted to yesterday, I have let some crockery to dry on the stove and my husband got so mad he said stupidity comes out of this.

He had told me that water not be put on the stove, because in fengshui, water and fire should not clash.

But what’s the big fat problem with leaving some dishes to dry on the stove?

I tried to explain that I have always let the dishes dry and in an hour or so after being air fried by wind, I would put them on the dish rack

He refused to listen and said, stupidity comes out of this.

I think my tears were coming out of every single body part, but I cannot let them out at that instant. Why? My kids are with me. Huaihao is close by. Can I let my temper out like he did?

I choose not to.

I acknowledged my anger and later I knew, they were not just anger but hurt.

I m disappointed beyond words

Yes it was a moment of anger no doubt on his end but you do not do this loving and appreciating and respecting a person

And what do I do?

My divine, what do I do?

I went to him to ask for an apology. Then the next day, I lashed back at him.

I did not disrespect him even if he was smoking, not a graduate, a poor man then. I turned his life around. He quit smoking, I got him a proper job I changed his diet. I gave him a lot of love.

In fact I had full respect for him.

And even if at home he did things that appeared not sensible to me, I did not say he is stupid.

And after doing so much for the family, for him, I got heartache in return and a lot of it.

How much hurt have I experienced ? Is it not enough? And what made me most angry is that I always fall into this after healing , or after achieving some sense of peace and balance. Feels like all of my effort is thwarted in a flash.

I did not come into a relationship for hurt.

I decided to reiki myself on the swing

I said the gokai

And today it’s meaning is yet a bit more different

Just for today

I do not angry— it also means finding other ways out other than being angry

It means you can explore because angry is only one possibility and

I know I can do more

I do not worry

—— what are the other things I can do, they are many things I can do besides worry , such as yoga reiki meditation breathe

I m grateful

——- being able to sit here and having these thoughts 

I thought of HuaiHao and the pinky love

I always told him to send it out should he sense someone in need

I thought I needed that v much now to envelop myself with this 

I ask the divine to nourish me comfort me

And then I saw a cockerel  

Is that the divine?

I take it as so because it brought a smile onto my smile

I ask it to come close if it is and I closed my eyes 

I think I m heartbroken

I felt the pain 

How can love once so sweet turn into this ?

Too hurtful

Then I heard a pecking 

And there it is just next to me

The cockerel! As if to offer me some companionship

And I felt like vomiting 

So many things crowded at the chest area

Wanting to come out 

And I saw myself using the crystal like a pen on the cyst

I was doing self reiki, and thought, why not use the crystal and write om on my tummy?

There’s a space there and it’s calling out for love and nourishment 

I used the tip of the crystal like a pen, to fill the space with just this and the magic

Then I carried on walking.

When my soul is in need, it is always food that rescues me

It’s as if they are calling out to me and  I’ll just walk till I stop

Is it this stall?

I would linger in front of it

Not that my heart wills

This one 

These simple fare made by hawkers, by humble people rescued me

Most of all, a bowl of hot red bean soup boiled to tender softness with brown rice and peanut. With every scoop you could smell fragrance of the brown rice and it brought me back to the time I was a young child and nanny would cook brown rice porridge for me.

Soft textures have a lot in there . Maybe that is why I am so drawn to them.

Soft textures require a lot of work, thought, technique, experience, emotion, love and above all, strength to execute

Strength to restrain and to be less to be more.

It’s inspiring to me because I m learning to be strong sure balanced yet soft. I have no wish to harden up or be jaded and allow myself to be let down by disappointments in life by people——- who may lack the wisdom and acted in the ways they did

I am going to continue on my path to cultivate myself and use these as exercises for me to flex my muscles ——- at being soft

Emerging from earth

Emerging from earth

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Had a great lunch with Stephan and we were speaking about spring vegetables —- that no matter how small they were they gave it their all they spring up year and again every springtime

And now I seeing this: this very special moonlight

A lunar phenomenon will present itself this evening with March’s Super Worm Moon, the second closest pass of our natural satellite in 2020.

The start of the supermoon will reach its peak at 1:48 pm (EDT), lasting for several hours while it comes to its closest point to Earth, about 16,000 miles closer than its average orbiting distance.

This shortened distance between Earth and the moon will make our natural satellite appear to be 14 percent larger and 30 percent brighter, compared to its average size and luminosity on any given night.

But why is it called a “Worm moon?” According to folklore, the Worm moon was a moniker given to the last full moon before the spring equinox when the ground began to thaw and earthworms began to surface from the soil.

This super worm moon comes just ten days before the vernal equinox; another fascinating planetary phenomenon that occurs on the Mar. 19, during which time the planet’s tilt is completely balanced, allowing both halves of the Earth to experience an equal amount of daylight. And from then until the autumnal equinox, the Northern Hemisphere will begin to see longer days, while the Southern Hemisphere’s days grow shorter.

With this transition into spring marked by such a stunning display of cosmic phenomena, it may be a good time to dwell on the concepts of rebirth and starting anew. Jump at the opportunities that are presenting themselves to you – this abundance of worms emerging from the ground might be a sign that it’s time to evoke your inner early bird.

https://www.gaia.com/article/tonights-super-worm-moon-marks-the-first-of-three-in-2020?utm_source=facebook%2Borganic&utm_medium=gaia&utm_term=article&utm_campaign=evergreen&ch=sg

Realising Me viii

Realising Me viii

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It seemed like I have been feeling the weight of the past or was it the time of the month that made it more indigestible? 

I was craving for time for myself to have the space for myself to reiki

And I discovered how the bath can be such an important ritual for not just the body——-but the mind as well

And today the sunlit water worked really well for me!

I used it not just on my abdomen and front but invited its work and magic on my face my back my shoulders my legs as well

The pain in my left shoulder is getting at me

What was it trying to say?

Too heavy PY and all along too much to do!

It needed to feel happiness !

So joy came to mind and afterwards I used this essential oil on my shoulders

Then I saw how the sunlit water came down on my body my tummy area my abdomen

The water was cleaning my navel just like how water would work on terrain or a pot hole and the soil would be circling the hole before being washed out

Gently hitting the body the sunlit water was and delivering light to it

And I thought again- might this be sparks Stephan said he saw?

If so, he could be seeing cleansing ?

And if these r what he saw, I must be pretty beautiful inside

Because otherwise I wouldn’t see this myself

These beautiful sparks are showing my beautiful inside. And if I can find beauty and appreciation for these sparks of sunlit water, why can’t I find appreciation and recognition for my good self? My inside?

Like my keloid area — if it’s like that on the outside , the inner correspondent area certainly needed more work on

And I was asking my self

  • what is the cyst trying to tell me?

The little bruise I got on my left hand enlightened me and told me I am delicate and I have been using too much force on myself

Forcing things on myself forcefully and not listening enough to my capabilities and giving consideration to my body

I learn to slowly heal it using lavender and smearing it anticlockwise 

Now it’s gone 

And it’s giving me confidence to work at myself 

So scarring can be undone

I asked myself what is it that the cyst is implying?

In the shower, because of the angle at which the sun’s light came in, I saw a shadow of how my body was on the wall and I could see the cyst

It’s encroaching into my belly button taking up space

If I bent myself backwards more, the cyst came out more

Besides a tensing up or toughening of myself to fight realities it is saying ——- space

I love the space I m giving myself now

And Space is inside there

I needed space, and its creating space for itself.

Nothing else

It’s about creating space for myself

Space to hear my thoughts my emotions my needs space to hear out tpy

It’s giving priority and consideration to tpy

So for once I m able to see it as helping me

And yesterday while doing raindrop for QinZhi , I was chanting the Chenrigze mantra and for a while it seemed like it was reaching down all the way to me in different times and all those of me were reaching up in chanting

It’s a deep amazing release that happened so subtly yet I knew

And interestingly when I read the gokai today, I had a new way of approaching it

Gokai

Just for today I do not get angry

I do not worry

I m grateful 

I fulfill all my duties

And I m kind to others and to myself 

I invited all of my cells to take part and it feels like I m the leader leading it

So all the more important that I should keep my thoughts well

Then I had my meal with Stephan, he reminded me that :

The navel is the seat of all primal instincts 

“Your seat of trust. And at the navel, I saw many guan yin, the Tibetan , Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese and they are all there——- and here’s to say you are supported and they are there for you”

Stephan says now that he is saying it he’s realized it once more that I m made for something bigger 

“You have voluntarily come back because you have heard of the suffering ,  you have gone through it and experienced it for yourself and you will be able to help many people”

And he had to stop because he teared up

I still had no idea what this feels like or means to him

I shared with him how it feels like when the Dalai Lama is in the room and he says ,” you have it too! This thing”

“Learn to appreciate yourself value yourself. “

He said, “I saw for myself how it’s pinyen like a bowl is collecting all of the universe in . Everything is pin yen now at the centre of it”

I asked him what is the thing to do to heal?

He says, “ have no fear.”

“You have no idea what power you have because you intend and want. The ability to translate your heart’s desire/dream to reality. You have that power.

Trust yourself

Believe yourself

Value yourself

Have no fear”

We spoke about invoking our guardian angels

To invoke – isn’t exactly saying please

It’s more “ come here and help me”

They are all there and for you

I had to check its meaning again 

Invoke- 

to requesthelp from someone, especially a god, when you want to improve a situation

Cambridge dictionary 

: to call forth by incantation : CONJURE

: to make an earnest request for : SOLICIT

: to put into effect or operation : IMPLEMENT

: BRING ABOUT, CAUSE

Merriam Webster

I asked Stephan if he heard anything from the cyst and he told me about the guan yin he saw and the guan yin mantra he heard

He says- you should embrace the cyst because it is part of you

Easier said than done but I could see it.

It’s part of my body and more so 

My experiences gave it to me

My lineage and my history gave it to me

And so it means to embrace my lineage my experiences 

It means accepting and acceptance 

Of the big and little things in life

Learning to not change it to suit me and myself or needs

Which could have been distorted or learned

Stephan kindly said he will work on the cyst the pancreas ( which is where fear and grieve or sadness is) the keloid and I will work on the rest

I am thankful

Why would someone I just met, and who have listened to my journey offer this kindness?

It seemed unbelievable.

And this in itself is magic.

Can my story touch another one? When all it has is so much pain suffering repression of the self forcefulness and so filled with negativity? I wonder why!

And before he left, Stephan says again that I have all the tools all the wisdom all all all that I need and I will be helping people

I told him I had no inkling of what he is saying , are you sure?

And he says , he knows it will be

I do not see or understand his point but he says it is not common to see guan yin and so many of them in a session

We discussed if I should reach my children reiki and the answer is yes 

They have it they r open and is naturally intuitive 

He encourages me to continue to nurture HuaiHao and QinZhi the way I m doing 

And to process emotions for them

He asked me why I would do that? And I said , “ the last thing I want is for them to repeat. So with what I find out for myself I will grab e-v-e-r-y opportunity and faithfully use it to help them”

I asked him for a parting gift . And to reiki my oils and my crystal

“You will heal if you will”

Stephan says that I m reprogramming myself 

Exploring alternatives and moving forward each and every other day 

I said to him my thanks, of him offering his presence to me, offering space supported guidance as I processed. And that I will work hard and look forward to the next reiki session with him.

It has been so powerful so intense, so much going on even if nothing was said.

That divine greatness.

Realising Me vii

Realising Me vii

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Its beginning to pour.

And I just made the decision to alight. Oh man I shouldn’t have! But I have! Should I get on another bus to get away from the rain?

There don’t seem to be any bus to take me to somewhere I would want to go.

And I decided to stay.

How about—-wait? Just listen to the rain.

Then I felt a rising sense of thankfulness, I can make the decision to wait because my kids are at home and taken care of, there isnt anywhere else I need to rush to. There isnt anything I have to rush to do.

And so I can take the time.

I am thankful.

下大雨

感觉好像做了个不太明智的选择，下车，困在巴士站

检索巴士指南看看有什么巴士可以把我载到适合的地点

然后有个想法——等等吧。能够在这里等，听到雨声滴答也很好

因为没有急着得去做的事、得去的地方

——-因为孩子有人看着。所以，在这里等等也不错

所以刚才下车的决定也不那么差

RealisingMe vi

RealisingMe vi

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I was carrying 2 bags myself and saw this father carrying 3

Now as I note this down, I realise—what is that one bag of mine?

When I took my walk back, I did it slower today. I learnt to listen to my body. It wants to go slower today. I breathe in, the breath feels constricted at times, and difficult. In the past, I would have ignored and breathed in with force.

But now, I learnt to do it gently.

At times, inhaling with baby like softness, and letting go on the exhalation  

I walked gently

I like the feeling, its softening up. Bringing me lots of warmth, love, pure joy. Every time I experience this, my eyes turn red and I feel warmth in my body all over again 

I was so toughened up and hardened, now i m appreciating all the soft tenderness, I intentionally gift to myself

Its THE opportunity to do it again, and everyday becomes so different, there’s so much difference in everyday even if I was walking the same path, doing the same things, it makes me look forward to the simple act of sending the kids to school.

What else can I uncover and discover for myself today?

What else can I learn about my past today?

What else can I do to open up myself further today?

How much difference I have made to myself, my gosh, even if on the front, I looked the same.

IT is this practice, that allowed me to feel the sense of devotion and giving the father is giving. The willingness to carry all the weight on his shoulders——out of love. He did it out of love.

And now, I understand that I did it out of love too.

I thought about my father. At some point in time, he also took the responsibility to father us, and we might have been the reason he chose this path, just that his method was wrong 

I contemplated how he loved us, fetching me to school all the way till I was 18 years old

And I always remembered how one time I cut my fingers, dad rushed over and i saw how in that instant, he was more hurt than me.

Or how he couldn’t lift his head up, totally wrecked and disappointed with himself, when he apologised to us—to say how a failure he has been. Then, much as I felt sorry, I took the chance to look down upon him, because I was so angry.

It seemed then that life isnt about adding or subtracting with precision what has happened. 

I know my dad loves me.

Then I came back and did self reiki

I could feel lots of energy work and flow on my body, at certain parts, my hands were slightly shaking or trembling

How amazing

I thought about why I wanted this reiki session with Stephan that badly, and it was because I didnt know what to do with my cyst and keloid

What else I can do to unlock this? I searched the ends of my mind but just did not know next

And almost as suddenly, the answer came.

The keloid or the cyst is slightly hardened.

Just as I have, I hardened myself up to life and its demands. I toughened myself up so much.

And now, now that I learn to unwind, undo, as I experience myself softening, I begin to get warmth, lots of tears that were locked up in time, and a sense of opening up. A sense of release. 

Funny! because just yesterday I told Stephan, that life seems to teach you in opposite ways, when they want to teach you about bitterness. you taste sugar first.

I wanted the answers to resolving the cyst and keloid but now I am all caught up in unraveling of my own experiences 

I think I have got the answer, when I begin to experience myself fully again, softening up and warming up to myself again, these will be naturally gone.

And Stephan felt that I have an incredible way of opening people up. “How did you do that? ”

I don’t know how I did it, but almost as suddenly, I knew what I want in life.

MAGIC

I loved storybooks and all the magic in there. When the impossible and the unbelievable shine through.

In my own experiences, I think I have showed what Magic could have been, because if not for it, how could I be here today in this manner? I could have gone bad, any other way but this but I didnt.

Because I believed in the good all the while.

Even if some episodes tested me on my beliefs and values. I would be upset but would still stick to what I have always believed in.

I can softly but surely say——I am MAGIC and magic has come through, through me, through all the magical people I have met. Stella and Yin let me experienced healing, the art therapy with Yen, then Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, Tsoknyi Rinpoche, the Dalai Lama, Khadro La, Mr Ng, Teacher Stephan now or reiki

To show me and tell me about Magic and goodness and coming round to recognising that in every breath there can be magic, in everyday there can be magic and just being here, is MAGIC—–despite all that has happened.

So many seemingly impossible things magical things, people, events

It made me realise and relook at my experiences again, dad’s leaving us, mom leaving us, qinzhi————can they be magic?

I have written about these before, 

That each event is a crystallised blossom, a full result of causes and effects

So they are magic occurrences in a way

Neither good nor are they bad

And the practice is in transforming them and using them

just like how when i went to Kluang, I met a lady whose daughter has seizures, and I shared experience with her. I remember her telling me “you look so strong”

We can use, we can transform, we can make magic out of our lives

So long as we will 

1047am

How do we leave only beauty not pain behind?

I thought of what Stephan said —— you are a good mother to your kids

Am I?

I try

Learning to be mindful of how I have come along 

Fearful almost not to do anything that would set off any kind of repeat so my children do not have to go thru what I had

Thinking of how HuaiHao breaks down his LEGO excitedly happily and without attachment —- everyday

Gave me an idea

I thought of our conversation 

“I feel ok because if you know what is in your brain you can make a new one out of it

If I don’t demolish it I can’t make a new one

Although it’s something like precious 

You know you are going to make something more awesome than this

The brain is like a little pouch which stores a lot of ideas plans memories 

What colour is it

It is transparent and clear and turqoisy it’s very rare right”

HuaiHao dismantles his LEGO his thoughts everyday and makes new ones

Can I learn from him? 

Yes, I should learn from him.

Destroy to construct; Constructively destroy.

Realising Me v

Realising Me v

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I was asking myself how to deal with inflammation at the keloid? I had wanted to try a different reaction/action, because all along what i did was to anticipate and search for the next bump and to get it out. I cant wait to get it out to clean myself out. And the advice I had from John was to squeeze out the pus, and from Selena too, after all, its better to let it out! 

So I did not feel very much at ease with my decision to just not do anything.

But as I was walking the kids to school, I saw the difference.

Not actively letting it out before its time, was something different from the past. I used to do things to speed up or would squeeze the pus out once I perceived a bump. There’s so much “doing” that I am conscious of now.

But now, I choose to let it be, and when the time comes for it to erupt, I will deal with it.

Thats the difference. 

I also reapplied 3 interesting things on the way.

  1. Qinzhi’s bag was so heavy i felt the weight on my shoulders. I instantly compared it to the weight I put on my shoulders 20 years back, when I was in my early 20s and had to shoulder the family’s emotional and financial burden 

Wasn’t that a lot heavier?

Haha.

Surely it was, but why wasn’t i feeling it? I was so numb to it. Or I just numbed myself so I wouldn’t listen to any bit of myself, I just soldiered on, pushed on, not listening to myself at all. Do I have a choice? I think I could have. But I chose to make the choice to carry this burden.

And i breathed in and sent light to that girl then, whose face seemed to brightened up as the light landed on her face.

She doesnt feel as heavy now.

She just wants to be acknowledged. She can take the burden, she doesnt mind the sacrifice, the work————but she just wants to be credited for all she has put in.

I think even if my family felt it, no one really said thank you to me.

I felt a lot of resentment, anger, frustration, looking around me, who could take this all up if not me?

I HAD to be the ONE

2. Why me?

I asked in my heart but in a chinese family, you do not discuss or say these things, either you sucked it up or you run off.

I had to suck it all up in silence, no questions asked.

There was so much resentment because this arrangement this system did not go well with how I like things to work.

No questions asked, that was one, for another, nothing was said.

3. Which brings me to the point of silence, that silence was killing, and now I know why I cannot take my husband’s silence.

And seeing these, opened me up, and made me understand how and why I was always looking for credit and acknowledgement from the outside, such as when I did something exceptional at work, I was hoping my bosses would see and acknowledge. But there are disappointments and that made me really angry. When they keep silent, the did not acknowledge or recognise my effort.

Because this is reminiscent of the past efforts I have put in and wanted so much credit for. That I did not receive.

So it all adds up.

Coming back to Qinzhi ’s bag, why does it feel so heavy? I m happy it felt heavy. It means I am now more in tune with my senses. And its not something I really wanted to carry.

As I walked to Suneeta’s place for another session with Stephan, I heard myself say, “ I want to process my experience. There are so many things there that u did not see, hear, feel, understand. “

If I spent effort and took learn in my experiences, they would have unlocked all the answers to the questions or the challenges I have or is facing in life. 

Just like how I understand why I look for outside validation or recognition and why silence provoked me that much now.

This understanding is for me such a big leap.

In the past, I used to not even want to have anything to do with the past.

I can’t wait to be disassociated with it or bye it away.

But look! 👀 What change I have felt inside.

I came at 10am as agreed and we sat on the swing to chat.

I told Stephan about the processing I have done, as above,

And more things propped up

Like appreciating all the fights I had with my husband as something positive like an improvement 

Because my parents had so much silence everything was not expressed or not expressed enough

I must have observed this as a child and the discomfort my mother had and how my parents relationship were not able to get better or be fulfilled

In my marriage, I had so many quarrels and unhappiness too, but I talked it out always

And we have had so many big forget and quarrels

Now that I “knew” about the silence, I m glad we exploded

We were already taking a step or many more , more than what my parents had managed to

I told him about dad apologising to us on the coffee table , and how he looked then, totally disappointed with himself, proclaiming himself a failure and how at that time, i held my head up and looked down.

I told him that I was speaking to him, it became apparent that, I was angry with myself, for making the choice to bear the burden.

I didnt know I was angry with myself

I told him I had a choice to run away, but I didnt, I chose to be the one, I resented myself and was angry at myself for putting myself in that one position

I didnt know I was angry with myself all the while

I spoke also about my first India trip and knowing I was an Indian princess from a tribe

He said, “ fantastic. You were able to reach even further now to past lives. I used to have a fear of flying and once I got myself into meditation and in there I saw I was a pilot in World War II and my companion was injured and the key was fired and I had this immense fear of burning up. After seeing that, now I m no longer fearful about flying”

It is a wonder how reaching backwards can help one progress forwards with ease

We came into the reiki session 

I prayed and asked for my dharma protectors and my guardian angels to deliver all the healing all the love all the peace all the support all the joy that I would need to blossom to becoming the best version of myself 

In the session, I was busy. I told myself to open up to the process so I observed 

At the abdomen area, Stephan’s hands hovered and I felt the energy move and trace out peaks and troughs 

At the top of the tummy, it was as if someone blew air in, it was expanding , it was opening up

The next most obvious thing was I felt a solid rush of energy coming up from my feet up my hips into my upper body

It was a complete infusion of light energy force warmth

The energy was so determined and with great strength it came 

All I could do was to observe it respect it revere it

It is taking charge

Like a total internal washing to sweep my clean

And as I recount and write now, I know the past has gone

And can no longer get at me

I felt also a lot of energy running along my left arm hand and leg

Then it was the right side

There were releases along the way, my right hand was moving outwards and finally dropped out of the bed

I moved into a deeper state, sometimes as I perceive, the energy would call me back

I felt my face worked

My face was facing the world, how much has it taken in?

And in rest, the soul and how it feels speaks through the face

When Stephan put his hands above my eyes, I could feel warmth

When he cupped his hands around my ears, they were hot. 

I still like this feature the most, I felt really protected. I felt myself carried as a baby by a parent facing outwards legs dangling in the air

Carefree and fearless

Now as I write this——- That must be me

Me carefree and fearless

Unworried

Happy

How beautiful to just feel this way, even if it was an inkling

The energy coming out of it was pure and simple and true 

Then Stephan ‘s hands rested on my right shoulder 

That was when I felt a lot more releases on the hands and legs

This process is beautiful

It made me understand how little you need—— if you get the elements right, 

Just providing space and support albeit divine light——— would be sufficient to fetching out the deep seat hidden kinks

But also it showed me how difficult this can be if nothing were aligned

And once again, I give thanks to my experiences 

This process taught me to honour my experiences

It’s not about adding on or taking things out

Not fearing it stopping it blocking it

Not discounting it judging it 

Observing 

Just facing it squarely 

Recognizing it

Acknowledging it 

But there were thoughts too

There is a part of me who thinks too much

Habitually wanting to make sense or analyze or derive

That part so Used to the old energy pessimism darkness that is providing the inertia or making it difficult for me to move forward

I pray that this be let go

Stephan told me about his interpretation 

When I told him his hands were hot, he said yes and not just hands but his entire body and feet as the energy flowed through

He said he wanted to do more work on my lower body this time

And he said he saw my father at my feet saying “things are improving” 

But the most wonderful thing he said he experienced was at my heart or body centre

“Love confidence can’t enough describe it. It’s not just SIngapore or Asia or the world it’s the universe and all the stars swirling and pin yen is at the centre of it at the heart of it and nothing else matters but pin yen now and I want to do all I can to support pin yen. 

“It’s such a beautiful experience overwhelming even for me, making me feel full

It’s just pin yen pin yen pin yen. This precious heart

Reminds me of the time I m in the mountains and when it opened up. I don’t have that many experiences like that and it’s a new thing for me”

“At the tummy area, I saw also many guan yin, I heard the mantra or song I always hear so it’s a very good feeling coming out from your tummy”

“And I must tell you, that with the gifts you have, you will be someone something big. I do not know what it will be for you but you have to know, you will be able to help many people”

I am totally lost on what Stephan said

I told him so that I cannot imagine what he is feeling

Just thankful I was able to inspire and let him