沁芝喜欢拍照，也喜欢自拍。

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很多时候，都是看到沁芝的照片之后才“看到”沁芝。

沁芝的喜怒哀乐。沁芝的不一样。像是花开那样，静谧中一切都在蜕变。mommy除了努力做好自己做好mommy，只有祈求，祈求获许上苍和守护天使的眷顾，照耀沁芝。

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沁芝喜欢用filter，相当喜欢沁芝拍的这组照片。她说以后她要成为photographer。好啊。

沁芝皓皓一直以来喜欢吃日本餐，最近我们三人发觉了新的小天地。

我们爱不释手，去了又起。之后还续摊，去吃好吃的甜点。

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沁芝的肢体动作相当的优美，反正就是做什么像什么。喜欢看沁芝放开舞动身体，或跟着kpop或是dab

星期天，带沁芝皓皓去美术馆。呼吸不一样的空气。艺术这件事，或许现在不懂，但是在不知道是什么时候的以后，总能带来心领神会的安慰。

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像这组艺术作品，缅甸艺术家Min Thein Sung的，用尘埃雕刻时间。谁会想到细小的尘埃可以那么艺术，加上时间的酝酿和撮合，潮湿度的刚刚好，光线的刚刚好，然后一切的和合，让尘埃在时光中定格。

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学校假期，我们先计划日程。希望沁芝皓皓过得丰富充实。于是去吃大家爱吃的Burger+，去Nerf Experience，去香格里拉酒店staycaytion, 沁芝皓皓在Buds玩得不亦乐乎。还有去summer pavilion庆祝公公和庚延舅舅的生日

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不知不觉，沁芝的头发长了，已经可以梳成髻。mommy的mommy以前就喜欢发髻。我也是。现在沁芝也经常这样梳理。

最近喜欢上带沁芝皓皓上学。因为每天都有不一样的体会和发现。让再平凡不过甚至是恼人的日常，成为一种小确幸。

风来的时候，我们就感受风；阳光照耀的时候，请太阳公公照耀我们给我们光和暧。下雨了，我请孩子伸出手，感受雨滴落下。有时候，我们会一边吃薯片一边走路回家。

爱你宝贝。因为希望你比mommy幸福快乐。mommy很用功，从来没有懈怠、没有偷懒、没有妥协。

因为有你。

写到这里，听到mailbox的“叮‘，原来是昨天瑜伽课的老师传过来的电邮，要卖瑜伽配套，但是写了这样一段文字：

One of my teachers used to be a medical professional before she gave it all up to move into the complementary modality space. She says with exasperation of the current situation, “…the things we can do now are – eat healthy, exercise, get good rest and wash your hands – which you should be doing all the time anyway!”

Simple & wise.
Fear constricts and love expands.
All this shall pass and we will get through this together, Yen

Ignite your heart,
我好像听到他说：“breathe yen breathe”

瑜伽难做的时候，要呼吸。我们总是忘记这件事。与你分享。你就是力量，总是给我很多，推动我，鼓励我，温暖我。

We had our Shangri La staycay and Qinzhi had hours and hours of fun at Bud. We rarely have buffets, maybe once in a year and Qinzhi had hers and got her rights to eating what she wanted.

And just now when we had raindrop, Qinzhi says that she likes the stay so much she wants to go back again. And is looking forward to staycaytioning.

And we just finished raindrop and had our chat, it was so good, I hope these are the littlest memories that will warm Qinzhi in future. And just recollecting these will warm Qinzhi immediately.

I have so many suppressed thoughts I want to lash out it is making my stomach bloated and full. And they are making my breath flow in a difficult manner.

Sometimes I go ahead and breathe, other times, I take in air slowly, gently working with what compression and constriction I have.

I like the latter way better, the inhale feels gentler and I feel my tummy balloon. Whereas if “I just breathe”, I feel the tummy area tight and taut.

Not bad at all TPY, even in these unsettling moments, you are learning to find some balance, trying to work it out.

So I hear alot of these voices when I m alone. It’s like I can only let them out when I m alone.

In the bath.

When everyone else is asleep.

So much anger contained and compartmentalised into these little pockets of small spaces. 

When I brought the kids to Great World City, I saw these and it reminded me of the way I compartmentalised my emotions, keeping them in wraps in these pockets of space and time.

But I like seeing how the colours are detailed, each one has a name of its own and it makes me want to pinpoint with awareness the feelings I feel. That which it is, exactly. Nothing more nothing less.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

And we r not talking yet.

This gets on my nerves. And when we sit near each other I feel like I m about to explode.

Almost as suddenly, I realise, that power is not mine. It’s his energy. 

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I can’t breathe well

I m bottled up I guess, so many things I want to thrash out. But what’s the point? I have tried talking and it just makes things worse.

Yet I cannot keep these things down. I like a clean slate, I like to be carefree and without things on my mind unsettled. Like Huaihao, there should be as less attachments or stuff bothering you when you retire at night.

I m torn between lashing them out and using this as an opportunity to practise awareness

Its tough! and I promise myself I will not give up easily because I can breakthrough this!

So when I do my reiki 

I come back again to my breath, Just me, and breath.

How wonderful to have this breath!

I use my breath a lot on my body these days

Relying on it to cleanse me nourish me fulfill me comfort me

Love me

In the places I need it, like when I feel knots in the tummy, or to my left shoulder wherever I hurt it, I didnt know.

Thankful, so thankful I have it, and I should say, have the awareness of it. And for intuitively working with it and employing it.

I send it to my head eyes ears wishing they will see n hear beauty 

Then my neck my shoulders thanking them for the support

Then my heart

My thymus keloid my liver my pancreas my stomach my intestines my cyst my navel my keloids my knees my ankles

And I could feel so so much energy flow

As I breathed three deep breaths into each part I intend for the breath to shake things ups there to open up to resolve to dissolve

Thankful for this self healing opportunity and ability. How would I be if I had not these to support me?

It’s so hard to keep sanity balance and peace, but as always, I know I have been watched, from angels above who want me to be well and to persevere , I know when always, always, I find things along the way to remind me

Like this I saw as I walk the streets

Like an answer from above, sent my way, it came when I lifted my head – lifting my head has such powerful symbolic meaning and it seemed every time I lift mine, I find

So I find, “one step at a time walking the way to stillness”.

Stillness!!!

It simply means—–Remember to practise TPY!

We can all give ourselves the beauty of a pause, some form of stillness. Yes I believe so, and with awareness, in stillness we arrive, we ‘ll find. We’ll see and hear things we would never have. We can be in touch with intuition. And use that to navigate our lives.

And now, how do/can we keep still? Amidst all the frenzy, pain, unsettling moments?

Like in my own case, how do I find peace with so many thoughts floating in me? When my breath is not settled and at peace?

How do we change pain into beauty how do we transform?

Where is the point for change or translation and transformation?

I find myself asking. 

And in my massage session today, the masseuse is like another angle the divine planted, “要自己保护自己, 别拿别人的错误来惩罚自己, 多出去户外运动”

My tears almost flowed. Her words comforted me so much I m feeling so pained so much pain all the pain, I have to gasp for air

If I let my emotions flow I would have been crying in exasperation 

It’s as if I m going to break apart.

But on hindsight now as I m writing this, I know, this was for me, for me to air my emotions.

I had another whatsapp message with Stephan which brought me into balance. Just airing my thoughts made me feel so good, so I think what I need is space.

I just need to flash them out, for my own sake, yes.

And I thought of one thing, I need to use my emotions on something. Writing like this is one. But furthermore, I need to deploy them, make them work, like in art or music, I need to USE them. That would be a way out.

And then I came across a post I wrote a while ago,

“I used to feel very helpless when i cannot advance in my conversations with my bf. Each time I try to talk, he lapses into the old. I get upset and angry with myself. I get impatient.

But now, I think I m clear. We are operating at different frequencies and there is a gap. Till the time he opens up, I promise to give myself the space the time the open-mindedness, to use this opportunity to practice. It doesn’t mean that I am at fault or should take it out on myself or take the responsibility for this.

And until he arrives, I will patiently wait. I think giving space to another is one of the biggest gifts or love we can have onto another being.”

Are you that wise TPY?

Try again

And I will.

Stephan says “As mentioned before you are a powerful, intelligent, successful and beautiful woman, he is very, very lucky to be your husband and have you care and thinking of you. This is very rare!

Extremely rare.”

He is forcing the ends and the limits out of me, getting me to be utmost creative, thinking out of the box, connecting me with my breaths and my intuition.

I will try. There must be something else I can do.

How else can I encourage new thought and behavior unto myself?

Patience TPY!

I need to change the energy pattern. Rewire.

But for now, “I lovingly forgive and release all of the past, and choose to fill my world with joy, love and I approve of myself.”