Month: March 2020

Receiving

Receiving

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Vs Giving.

Receiving seems to be more difficult for me.

Amusing? But it’s true.

Isn’t it just take?

I wished!

I don’t really know what to do to receive. Just just not open enough to it.

Yesterday Teacher texted me to say, “one of my very experienced Reiki practioner here in Switzerland, she will be 90 years old this year, and she would be very glad to support you with distance healing Reiki. Would you agree to it?

She has had a difficult live, had to marry before twenty, as her father died and to run a business and support the family, had her own family of 3 children, and take care of her husband as he got ill and blind, keeping business and family together. There was no space for herself, she had to function and be operational, that was the expectations on her from all. And it was not until she was in her mid 70’ies that she could start to think of herself. Despite been frail and living alone, she has energy and zest for live and would be thrilled to send you Reiki.

If yes could you send me a picture  of you , so she could focus exclusively on you every day. 

What do you think?”

I replied, “What a journey this lady has! Energy and zest! Do you have a picture of her too? What drives her? She’s a living inspiration. And why did she want to reiki me? I haven’t even met her!

I don’t know how to do long distance healing. But I can send pinky love! Thank you for making the connection! Now I have one more angel 😇”

How did this lady do it?

After this all? If I can peek into her heart!

It must be SO much deep gratitude and loving life. Total acceptance. Big heartedness. That I do not know yet

Then teacher said, “You do not have to do or give anything. 

Just lay back and enjoy.

Can you do that?”

When I saw “You do not have to do or give anything.”

It lands directly at my heart.

I always had to do many things, I always had so many things to do ——for others first. I always had to do so many things to get the things I want. Things that come my way are hard earned. This is my experience.

Is there any other way ? Maybe! 

So do I really not have to do anything? 

Just like when Teacher told me he would reiki me from afar, or how he’s been looking after me from afar. As much as I m grateful, I cannot understand how it feels like. Why would he even do it? Why does he want to do this? How long has he known me? What good can he have out of this?

Possibly nothing so why does he even commit?

Now looking at this lady who is offering kindness from afar, I am reminded of what he says, “ I cannot let you go on your own through this very challenging time.

And this “But know I’m always on your side and I trust and believe in you totally and unconditionally.”

Have I had this “ i cannot let you…” feeling before?

What is unconditional? I wanted to taste it. Feel it.

Have I experienced it?

Yes. 

Love from my nanny, we moved in with my nanny who took care of me till 7, right after mom’s passing.

My nanny gave me shelter

And always, family home cooked food and soup that went right into my heart to warm me.

Soup that rescued my heart, my entire being, my soul even.

I m reminded of the conversation I had with Huaihao and Qinzhi a while ago.

One day at bedtime, I asked them, “is there someone you think, could take care of mommy, like how mommy takes care of you?”

They said “in the past it was popo yiyi”———- which is how they addressed my nanny  

I asked, “what about now?”

They couldn’t think of any

I take it that the universe heard this conversation. 😊

What is unconditional? How does unconditional feel to you?

Probably when I was very much in love with my then boyfriend and wanted to do everything I can for him.

I thought of my mother’s love for my father. I thought of ah ma’s giving for the tribe. Pretty unconditional I would say.

Can I not be unconditional like them? 

Pretty scary the way they do their unconditional thing.

But one other scene popped up- when Qinzhi collapsed in cedele that day, one couple came over to help. That was close to the unconditional feeling .

The readiness and willingness and graciousness to offer your very essence for another being in the time of need. Pretty close to unconditional I would say.

And now Teacher and this lady.

The one thing common—–this unconditional thing is powered by love and compassion.

Or—Is it like me and how I give my kids? Pressing myself and my priorities down?

There’s something in the way I do it that it doesnt feel like it.

When we do this Unconditional thing —can we do it with more awareness?it be nicer to the self while giving to others? 

One more question- have I unconditionally love myself cared for myself? If I haven’t , Can I do that or start doing that? Can I try to love myself the way I love my kids?

More importantly, why is is that I cant take this kind offer immediately?

I don’t seem open enough to kindness generally.

In fact I feel numb to it and I couldn’t reply teacher. What is stopping me? 

Don’t I need this? No! I absolutely needed it. I was crying out for help and I dont know where or when the help would come.! I m totally lost and dont know what to do.

Maybe this was exactly that I felt many times many years ago. I am glad I could vocalise this now.

And I still have a long way to go——-After all these circles, mental analysis and interpretations, drawing out every inch of energy trying to steer myself every day to the right path , I have not really vocalised my need to actively ask for help.

Like that day when I needed, I didnt say it, then Teacher texted me, n I told him, I tried to do it on my own.

And I am angry at myself for not reaching out. Not saying it out, again.

I realise I have been so angry with myself of late. For making all these choices I have. What exactly is stopping me from a breakthrough?

I think of Qinzhi, when she needs help she doesnt say it too. Until of late, she’s become pretty expressive. 

How did it happen? She’s transformed in a way. 

Just yesterday, she was asking me:”mommy, do you think I m talkative?”

She wouldn’t know how much it means to me to hear her talk. I love it so much I cannot be grateful enough now that she is talking like that.

This is another teacher who is teaching me. Maybe I should learn from Qinzhi.

Going back to the point of doing it by myself, life teaches me that in a way. To just try day after day again and again. If I falter, I would try again. 

I do not choose the easy way out even if there was at times.

Or when people defaulted, I just suck it up and didnt ask for help. I reinforced my capabilities to be by myself. I got disappointed And I hardened up more.

Where was it down the road that I started not knowing there was help?

Where was it down the road that I started not knowing how to open my mouth to get help? What silenced me?

What if I got disappointed but didn’t harden up?

I closed things off! Didn’t I? 

I blocked them away

And I remember each time people are nice to me, I felt indebted and I would do double and made sure I “paid” it back

But still angels came.

And when I saw Teacher ask “Can you do that?”

I couldn’t reply to this message. Until I FEEL I can.

How should I approach this? This time? I wanted to feel my way through

How to I asked myself? Can I take this? 

Was there a point in time when I was younger that someone took something that does not belong to them? Or did I?

Was there some fixation somewhere that I didn’t get past?

Did someone take things from me?

Or was it father’s feelings on not being able to deliver payment? He couldn’t pay, we were paying already and this was the best path to rescue all of us then. My then boyfriend and now husband proposed this and I had to propose that and dad —- has no choice but to agree

The next month, I didnt have to wipe out my salary. Even if once in a while, he would still ask me for money to pay other people outside of the bank.

Was it this I m stucked with?

His feeing of this guilt—even now of not paying up as much as he liked to? even if he wouldn’t want to, he feels there is no other choice. And so I couldn’t ask for help? 

Was it this indebtedness that is making me feel little and unworthy of anything good and what I do is just punishing myself? Damning myself to an end?

This is something new to me.

Dad is still paying whenever he can. Earning to pay his debts. Even if he felt there was no way he could ever pay it off this life.

We didn’t speak about this. And I didn’t realize this could have affected me in any way. I thought that was that.

I thought to leave dad to mind his own and that was it

Didn’t realize there was an emotional component that grew on me. Did i absorb his guilt? And feelings of unworthiness? Helplessness? 

He says even if it is hard even if he is broke he prefers it this way —to continue paying off bit by bit so it is easier on his conscience. It was a promise he made that he wants to fulfill.

He does not like to owe people and would rather choose to be hard on himself 

And now writing all this——What a powerful lesson!

He chose this way, as if to punish himself so maybe he could be more at peace.

Is there another way?

Was this why I needed to figure it all out?

I tried to understand this Teacher said, “can you do this”, I tried to feel for this at bedtime yesterday but I fell asleep

In the morning, I tried again. I really wanted to feel the acceptance before I replied.

And Huaihao was up earlier, so I told him and asked him, should I take this kindness from a lady 90 yr old and so far away?

And Huaihao says yes, because people are nice to you and you should take the kindness.

This little teacher says———– you do not need any reason. You do not have to think so much, Just be intuitive and be with the flow.

Or, you are good enough.

And strangely, yesterday I was pulled into a meeting with top players from SG’s food industry, everyone is banding together———TO ASK FOR HELP. Help from the government to HELP with rental and manpower issues so they can save jobs and keep the industry going through this crisis,

It was a ground up thing

Honestly I felt a bit out of sorts and blocked

I must be caught in between giving and receiving I didn’t know how to give and was half hearted 

But this morning I did a bit more and it felt good actually 

To not ask whether it will work but just do and give of whatever you can to support and push things in a direction that could help

I think the balance between giving and receiving has been tipped and I m reassessing my position with these

When I did my reiki in the morning, I heard myself say, yes. Lets do it. Lets just try it, try receiving.

The exact opposite of what I have been doing.

I know this is a biggest teaching in itself

Just stop giving, try opening up to receiving and see where it is taking me. thats’s a different road like Huaihao said,

Practise receiving———no wonder I do not know the divine is with me. 

What deep teaching this all has been. So much uncovering———- This receiving.

Aiyo!

From My Guardian Angel

From My Guardian Angel

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

In my life, in my time of need, angels come to me.

Many times I do not know it! Like I asked Stephan, when he says, “they are all with you” because how would I know?

So apparently a spectrum of green lights!

But other times I know, like my art therapy teacher Yen, Mr Ng, and Teacher Stephan who have seen me through my worst when I am down. They offer their presence and to hear me draw, talk, shout , cry out my pain.

My teacher wrote me this very nice note, to capture points that could help me—–and, perhaps you.

We are living in different spaces, different time zones, different cultures, different realities, but perhaps, somewhere, someplace we are similar.

“Since I have seen how fast und deep your healing process worked, during the Reiki sessions, and how you continue to explore, question yourself, your past, present and future and so get to know yourself to become whole and in peace with yourself… I cannot let you go on your own through this very challenging time.

What I write you are just my perceptions, and I might be totally wrong. Please do tell me when you think I’m off the track. But know I’m always on your side and I trust and believe in you totally and unconditionally. So here it goes…

Your fast healing process causes an overload of emotions, you feel so unstable and insecure inside, you fear you are cut off from your deepest self, but outwardly you try to hold yourself upright.

Fear is blocking your development. You are looking gloomy at yourself and your situation! Pain and grief overgrow your whole self. You feel your are not able to lead your life yourself; this fear, grief and resentments cause aggression, which you suppress, which you have suppressed for such a long time. There is no trust in yourself and life and you are afraid of falling , of crashing.

To all this you put up a brave and strong front. Pulling and pushing , set direction, keep the control and endure the pain… because you are so used to it, you had always to do it, because you had no other choice.

Let go of what is not really good for you; do not try to hold on.

Nothing you do not know already. Right?

Your healing, your wholeness is advancing super fast and intense. and so is also your awareness and clarity about yourself.
You have started to be loving and gentle with yourself, having your space and time of to feel safe and calm. This is the crucial part. And I am extremely happy about it, because it means you have broken already with the cycle.

Care for the little child, the girl in your being and give her security, warmth and affection, because only this love will bring peace and dispel fears. No longer let your feelings overwhelm you, but consciously take the girl, who had to suffer and endure so much, who had such a hart time by the hand.

You are good and precious: Do not stamp your true feelings and thoughts, your natural creativity into the ground.

Do not accumulate feelings, let them all flow freely ( even if they feel like lashing out, but why not?), do not feel obliged, but process your grief and throw all the ballast off your back and come to inner peace. Do not fight against life, but enjoy it. You and the girl, in you, have a right to joy and happiness. Don’t punish yourself, look at life in its nuances, which I read, you do every day and in a beautiful way.

Trust in your deep self, in your inner authority, which will always provide you with sustenance. A deep trust in the creative forces of nature, in the endless supply of energy ( Being Conscious, Love), to enable new growth in your life again and again. Trust your heart (the loving-kindness of the Divine, within you).
The life-giving energy of the universe; lay down safely in the womb of your warm nature.

So don’t be afraid and trust your heart!✨

Realising Me xvi

Realising Me xvi

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Is it any more valuable to punish ? To find someone to blame to take responsibility?

No

Not at all

Yesterday, at one low point, one very low point, this thought came over.

all that happened came as a result of an aggregate.

it was made of a sum total.

everyone chipped in, myself included.

and i probably steered it the most, because I have been unconscious of this whole wheel of life that is rolling.

it brought me all of the heartaches and pains, all the hurt and the suffering.

But it also brought me a lot of wonders—-all the wonderful people i met, all the beautiful food I had the opportunity to savour, all the meaningful travel experiences i have, all the teachers and angels I met, then my two precious.

And what choices do I have?

Logically, the best I can think of—– move forward with it.

How?

Embracing it, acknowledging it. Studying it, processing it to understand how my subconscious have been taking control with all these learned reactions, wiring, programming.

Taking all the good ones, and letting go of those that doesnt work for me or learning to transform.

Easier said than done, but a way out at least that can anchor me for a bit.

Work on the emotional side may be more tricky and, I have to be patient.

I thought of Daniel Boulud, and what he said to me—-there is no hurry to become a great chef. but if you believe in cooking….

be gentle TPY.

lets go again.

And i slept really early with the kids yesterday. Today, I wake up feeling like I can do it again, dont know where the energy is from, but there’s a willingness at heart that says, “I want to have another go at it, let me try—— again.”

thankful I have the opportunity and a new go.

Huaihao didnt want school today because he’s had an infection on the tongue that he complains of, then he said a girl was bullying him at school, taking his things and being naughty. He said he shared this with the teacher and has told his classmate but it didnt help.

If it were the past, I would have insisted he goes to school in a top down military approach. We have been taught —how can you NOT go to school if it were something so minor?

But I didnt.

After reasoning with him, I took him on my laps and asked him about his tongue and his pain.

I shared with him what possibilities have caused this and the steps we can do to make it better.

And with his classmate, I encouraged him to ask her to be courteous and ask whenever she wants something. And I also checked with his teacher who resonated that this little girl has been getting out of hand.

I shared all these with huaihao, and more, that the little girl might be need of something, attention and something more, but didnt really know how to express it.

So Huaihao could be patient with her to help her. And to be gentle and to give her some space.

And, to give her some “pinky love”

Then I did reiki with huaihao beside me on the bed, I was thinking it might not be easy, what if he makes noises and asks me questions?

But I tried it all the same, and it wasnt that bad.

Today, the session appears to me like an inward looking experience.

Its almost as if I have eyes that are turning inwards as I worked on each part. Just looking at it and seeing how it is there or what calls out to me.

There are times I slip into a deeper inside, then I would surface again, travelling to different depths.

Then I realise some fear surfacing. Where is it from? I ask.

Just observe

The fear comes up to my upset chest and heart, like a wring of energy or ache that takes over. Its got this crippling effect that renders your limbs slightly lighter and the body feels a tightening, a freezing.

Feels metal cold, and I thought of the time daddy was in hospital after surgery.

And I had to visit.

I can still see the blanket

Then mom.

Myself at the hospital when uncle slipped at his workplace and just dropped dead

OR the fear when we didnt know where my husband’s mom went and we felt the worst could be coming.

wow.

And I recalled yesterday during the reiki I did for myself, a pang of fear rose upright too. Much stronger yesterday then today. 

I just observe it until I feel energy flows again and moved my hands to other parts.

Itaewon Class

Itaewon Class

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Was that life? Well then! Once more!

I finished another Korean drama <Itaewon Class> . The story is of Park Saeroyi who beats up a bully in class to find his life forever changed.

The bully has a backing. His father owns one of Korea’s most successful food business. The father wants Saeroyi to kneel down to apologize after beating up his bully son. But Saeroyi refuses.

“Because I do not feel like I need to (apologise)”

He refuses to budge. His father is an employee of this rich man, and is called in. The father supports his son’s decision because this attitude this strength is something he has yet to achieve with his own life . He quits his job but ends up dying and being killed in a hit and run—— and as with Korean dramas, who else but this bully is the one at the wheel.

The story goes on to show how Saeroyi bases his life on revenge , to get back. He studies his enemy’s biography and vows to be more successful and to one day take over his enemy’s business.

And he did finally after all attempts to be thwarted by the old man.

And Saeroyi did it with all of life’s most precious values. values that are these days swept under the carpet.

Have written down some quotes which called out to me:

“People have their way of making judgements

Good and bad can be very vague but when you are exceptional people know for sure”

“I may come from nothing but there are things I want to do.

I will do what it takes

You have no right to measure my value”

Feels like how I have come through too, rising from the ashes, building myself up but by bit.

“I m impressed

You r doing what you want”

How difficult for some—— to just, do what they want!

“You don’t need to be on anyone’s side but your own”

“I trusted”

“a person with a clear goal can achieve many things”

At some point in time, I find myself understanding that ——It is depth that makes calm. The deeper you have gone or sunken into, that is the very depth that makes one calm and unreactive even if the wind blows

“I want my words and acts to have power so pple cannot dismiss me or my people”

“I don’t want to be swayed by injustice or acts of it

I want to live a life where I make my own decisions”

And I thought of this thing called ——One of a kind

“I don’t have to convince others about who I m

I want my words and acts to have power”

And how do we give our words and act power? It’s the intention or heart behind it

There’s a very nice poem too in the drama.

I m diamond

“I’m a rock

Go ahead and sear me

I won’t budge, I’m a rock

Go ahead and beat me up

I’m a solid rock

Lock me up in darkness

I’m a rock that shines alone

I defy nature’s ways of breaking, turning to ashes, and decaying

I survived

I am a diamond”

This came from Itaewon Class ep12

I m. A rock—— m I not? We all are.

In Epi 13, yet more nice quotes.

“I m just me

I don’t need anyone’s approval or validation”

“There r people who keep me strong and I want to make delicious food to repay them”

“She’s someone whom you can bet your life on”

“Follow my heart and be myself

Have I been committed?”

“Now I regret that day a lot”

Is there a day I regret? I asked TPY

In episode 15, Saeroyi was in a hit and run accident, pretty much like how his father died. He slept for a long time and the story goes that his consciousness has gone on to meet with his father. They catch up ever since his passing.

And this time, Saeroyi’s father brought him to a bridge.

“Where are we going?” the son asked

“To a place where there’s no painful nights”

Saeroyi stopped.

“Life has been tough and burdensome yes…each time I tell myself, I can do it, We will be fine,….but ”

He recollected the time he was in the office with the woman he loved, and she was reading a book, and it read, “Was that Life? Well then, once again.”

She said that she didnt understand what that meant until she met him

“Can I hug you?…If I get the chance to be born again, I want to be born as your son” Saeroyi said to his father.

“ I love you…so much.”

“I love you too “, said the father.

He has decided not to go cross the bridge with his father.

He retreated and made steps back

“Dad, have a peaceful trip. I m not going with you “

“Was that life? Well then. Once again!”

He remember The girl he loved said

He said to his father this: “I don’t mind spending all those painful nights again. In fact they are not as painful anymore. I have friends who give me joy and I look forward to seeing what the future holds with them.”

“I know you are no longer with me. But I m going to embrace my yearning heart and I’ll continue to live my life”

To which the father said, “Saeroyi you finally got it, This is what Life is, you can overcome anything as long as you are alive, I mean it

I m so proud of you my son. Keep on living this way. ”

Saying a proper goodbye! Saeroyi didnt get to say a proper goodbye, when his father died

And he’s come to accept his father’s death when he says : he will embrace his yearning heart

I thought about myself and how I found peace or have I? With mommy’s passing. This is definitely one way out.

“M I going there to die ?”

“No you are going there to survive”

When Saeroyi thinks of his love: “My heart and mind are filled with you. Is that how you have always felt? The heart beating?

“When I m with you my heart beats and it’s fun

Let’s be happy”

In the final episode, the old man who tries to destroy Saeroyi finally comes to him

Saeroyi gives him a treat of tofu stew and the old man acknowledges that it is very good

Saeroyi says it’s because he takes care of the fermentation of soya such that

“On a cold day the warmth spreads throughout the body”

The old man says he is treated to a great meal but has not brought money. He asks to pay in another way

And he kneels down

“I apologise with all my heart”

His head touches the floor

“Please forgive me”

And I find myself raising the idea, that there is no other way ——than to apologize if one is at fault

No other way. Because the hurt has been done and it is forever. Sorry just isn’t enough.

“Now that your revenge is over

Live happily”

“We dont know The warmth of people”

Do I? I asked TPY

“When I heard of your past the other day, I wanted to embrace your painful past

I wanted to make your bitter night sweet

When I think of you my empty life fills up with you

Thank you

I love you

I will make you happy”

Ha these were my thoughts too when I got into my relationship.

And a final quote from Saeroyi to wrap things “I wanted to be happy

without losing myself

I want to achieve everything I want

There are difficult days

Sometimes I was nervous and afraid

How did I get through this

With my loved ones

I led a hectic life doing what I want to do

Staying with them

With them

In search of happiness

Happiness

The warmth I share with you

I m already happier than I imagine

I could be”

Be free

Be free

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Because I do not want to be at home

Because I need space for myself

Because I don’t know where to go

I landed here

In front of Buddha

With all my pain and brokenness

Dear Buddha,

May all sentient beings have happiness and it’s causes

May all sentient beings be free from suffering and it’s causes

May all sentient beings never be separated from sorrow less bliss

May all sentient beings abide in equanimity, be free from anger attachments and share compassion with all beings

Dear Buddha

I pray that because of the anger I have all sentient beings not have to experience that

Because of the pain and the difficulties I have, all sentient beings not have to experience that

Because of all that I have gone through, not a single one have to go through any of those

Dear Buddha.

Realising Me xv

Realising Me xv

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

We get back to routine today.

How nice!

I walked the kids to school. And have time and space all by myself at home.

How wonderful! This morning we walked to school some 15min earlier, and felt the air cooler, much cooler.

Good for me, because I have been feeling really hot of late. Like when I always needed the blanket, I now want the air con to be on powerful mode.

I guess I m letting off more heat than I realised.

And because we are out earlier, we do not meet the people whom we normally do, at certain points in our walk.

How nice.

It brings to mind, how different each and every single reality could have been or constructed, because of these meetings in time, not earlier not later….just right——at that point in time.

We normally take the overhead bridge to cross this big road and walk inwards to alexandra canal, then we follow a straight path to school

But Huaihao stopped me before we got on the overhead bridge:”can we take the road ahead mommy? I want to try a new road”

And he is kissing me and hugging me a bit more these few days than usual. How nice.

Qinzhi went ahead already so i said “next time”

But as quickly enough, I searched myself on the inside, I didnt really want to take a new road, because I like the canal path, this I said to Huaihao.

“I like it away from the traffic n there’s a cool breeze and dew on the greenery and birds tweeting”

But even if we like things, should we not give ourselves the chance to try “a new road”?

Thank you Huaihao!

And after like 10 days not carrying the schoolbags, I feel it so heavy on my shoulders I just want to take the bus. I just want to take the easy way out.

I am panting and hard of breath, when I usually walked in front of the kids, today they are in front.

My waist hurts just from the hurling and lashing. So do my shoulders my neck.

My body is so wrecked and torn by the emotions that ran through, they surged upwards from everywhere and was let out from my mouth my eyes yesterday my body ached.

Its devoid of battery

When I walk, I feel slightly unbalanced

But I actually prefer this me——not the panting of course, but the fact that i m discovering my new—maybe not new, but the original me, who is fragile and cannot take heaviness too. I made myself take it for too long.

I remember that day when I did the foot polish, it revealed the softer skins inside, baby like

Aren’t we all vulnerable and fragile? Made of blood and skin and tissues and cells.

And how did that shell that shield come on , come from? How did the metal get here?

I stopped just in time ——as my shoulders toughen up in habit.

No, lets try to be mindful about this TPY

Ssoooooo heavy!

Just right after sending the kids to school, I feel like I have just emerged from war

Totally in need of nourishment and a mend

So much emotions came through I got afraid, at the point of eruption, there’s so much destruction to myself as well.

I cannot breathe and I thought —— did mommy feel this way too? Before she decided she cannot do it anymore ?

When I cried, the exasperation seemed to come from such a deep place, with so much fury so much rage, I was taken aback, who is this speaking? 

so there’s a TPY hidden somewhere I kept

Now now, with all these destructive feelings, what did I just kill?

Myself.

I spent a long time and so much precious life killing myself.

WTF.

So I lashed out at my husband, myself , my life, life.

Why did we even meet?

What did life do and why must it take me here?

Walking back home, with whatever energy I have left, I remind myself to breathe and walk mindfully

And I harvest all of the nature that is available , the fresh air, even the birdsong to heal and mend.

When I drifted, came back to walking, how blessed to be able to come back tp mindful walking. i m thankful i have this to anchor me

And it seems every time of need, a different mantra saves me.

right from the beginning, om ma ne pad me hum

then guru rinpoche’s mantra

then tha maha vairocana mantra

medicine buddha mantra

chenrigze when i went to india

then now

Teyata Om Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Soha 

is that the Heart Mantra –

of late, this gets to me. i find myself yearning towards it

And when I did my reiki today, I cried so much, out from somewhere deep.

Such a pitiful state, I had to feel sorry. SO angry at myself too —–Just how? TPY, how did you land yourself here. Aren’t you all successful and bright and intelligent? And what are you going to do now?

I dont know

and i cried even harder.

I missed my earlier teachers, yen chua who did art therapy with me, i thought of going to her and i was already seeing my eyes breathing out anger as i drew

or Mr Ng whom i have done so much work with, when we did our last session, he says, “once in a while, find someone who can listen to your heart ” 找一个人诉诉苦

maybe he knew the depth of my pain more than i did

but he trusted the process n left me to it.

and during the session i didnt really find energy to move my hands about

so i just had the crystal on my heart on my tummy and just left it there

my hands didnt hover anywhere, much less touch, but i felt the energy alot too

coming through

sometimes i didnt know if it was divine energy or releases, whatever, just observe

until a point in time, i felt hmmm… ok.

And I know now how strong energy patterns are. They steer life that way and it is all too hard to break free from patterns and strong patterns like what I have experienced with my parents my life.

I ask myself how possible it is—— to have an experience that is unlike what I have gone through?

Is it even possible?

Maybe not.

Because this is how life teaches us. Or let’s us learn.

To pick ourselves up

To mend

To (feel so much pain and only then can we ) breakthrough

And not come back this way again

Lashing it out

Lashing it out

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I spoke out once more

This time for myself.

And there’s a difference. I have so many strong emotions in me . A lot of things I have tried to compromise but when I lashed out—— I realize I can’t.

There are things in life we just can’t allow.

So don’t ever think of letting it through. It won’t help in the long run.

And today I lashed it all out———ALL that has crossed my mind voices out from my heart heard by my body

The effect on my body heart and mind

The disappointment with him with marriage even with myself at times

My regret

All that I cannot accept and don’t ever want to repeat again such that when Huaihao fell and he had to pick himself up. And he would be showing only his anger to us and not any tangible help is given to soothe to support or to help. As little as how he could have helped me with laundry rather than leaving the machine to beep while i was attending to the kids, and he could go on watching tv or retreat into his room.

Then I realized the intensity.

I have been trying to suck it all up too much for my own good

We are already repeating our parents’ in a way. The way he escapes into his own space and leaving me to it all.

I didn’t know I have so much anger

But it was so good I let it all out

How silly

So good

Imagine what it could have done if I kept it

No more keeping next time TPY. Not for the kids.

I didn’t think my mother his mother would have lashed it out at their husbands

But I did. I pointed out all the love that has gone wrong all the hurt that has been done all the things that can be done

I said to him that he wouldn’t know how much energy how much wisdom how much energy I use to cultivate myself

Just to steer away from our parents experience

And I work so hard because I do not want to repeat or follow their footsteps

I want to see to it that a painful beginning or past will blossom into a flower to beauty if we have the sensibility and consciousness to steer it towards positivity

And really really because I know I HAVE THE POWER AND CAN CHANGE THINGS FOR THE BETTER SO THAT MY KIDS WILL NOT HAVE TO GO THROUGH WHAT I HAVE

I HAVE THE POWER

And what about you? What do you not like in your life? What is it in your life that can change for the better ?

GO, DO IT

7 Yrs 2 Mths

7 Yrs 2 Mths

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好喜欢皓皓刚理完发的样子

太帅。让mommy很爱很爱很爱

皓皓最近很喜欢吃mommy做的acai

我们三个最近发现了好吃的日本餐，一再上门光顾

皓皓说，如果满分是5分，可以拿4分，后来侍应生看到皓皓用筷子时扭捏，于是拿来了木质汤匙。皓皓大赞，现在是5分了！

然后去吃好吃的甜点

最近姐姐周一、三学coding，那就干脆要公公别接载，mommy接皓皓然后我们一起去Great World City吃午餐，mommy吃擂茶饭，皓皓吃饭配冬瓜汤，然后也会吃点甜的。或给皓皓沁芝买个hotdog 面包

然后去逛个Toys r Us、看皓皓喜欢的Lego，玩钓鱼、看书，

仿佛偷来的时光

有时候还会偷个去乌节路吃Acai

虽然要背书包很重

但是还是很幸福

有时候，mommy会买一包薯片，我们边走边吃。

试探皓皓，

Me (contemplating to open the packet of chips) : Huaihao, what do you think? I really want to open it.

HuaiHao: Can you last?

Me: What’s that?

HuaiHao: Simply said, can you wait?

笑死我！

对于这样的日常，我是这样写的

“today i felt different walking back

if i felt lazy picking the kids up. today i definitely didnt feel it this way

when there’s a choice to take the bus, i chose to walk, i wanted to do more exercise , i wanted to train myself to walk mindfully to practise

when we walked back, it was hot and i was carrying stuff and hao’s bag

but we sang and skipped

it made me look forward to the next time i could fetch qinzhi from school and the 3 of us can walk together

walking together, isnt it important?”

皓皓每天下课回来就玩Lego，不亦乐乎，每天都有新作品，新的想法、概念，转换出来就成了新的杰作，新的名称、新的故事

好棒

有一天看到皓皓在拆，问皓皓，刚刚堆好的，现在拆下来，会不会可惜呢？结果皓皓说不会。

那是很棒的一件事，因为没有所谓的attachments

因为有新的向往，新的想法，新的期待。

好羡慕皓皓。好欣赏皓皓。

他是这样说的。

I feel ok because if you know what is in your brain you can make a new one out of it

If I don’t demolish it I can’t make a new one

Although it’s something like precious，you know you are going to make something more awesome than this

The brain is like a little pouch which stores a lot of ideas plans memories。 

问他，What colour is it？

It is transparent and clear and turqoisey， it’s very rare right mommy？

是啊，好珍贵。

皓皓就是老师，提醒我，每天也要拆卸才睡觉。每天也要想想，有什么新的期待。

皓皓就是那样的人————one of a kind

另一天要下雨了，正要去接沁芝下课，结果下雨了。

“what do we do?” huaihao asked?

“”hhmmmm, dont know, we’ll take it as it goes” I said,

And by the time we reached the school, the rain had gone.

And I told huaihao, “sometimes all we have to do is wait”

再另一个早上，皓皓抬头看到月亮了。

一边走的时候月亮就在我们的后面。我们面向太阳，但是月亮还在那里，不偏不倚。

边走边看月亮，它好像也在走。

有时点缀组屋、有时挂在天空，有时亲吻树叶，这一天因为移动身体，“看到”月亮在动。

然后给月亮一张脸蛋

原来，我们只要移动，就能改变很多东西，促成很多东西，把似乎是不可能的——–例如给月亮脸蛋——变成可能。

我们能做的还有更多更多。

关键是移动

不过因为玩Lego，皓皓最近画得比较少了

这是皓皓自己制作的书签，因为最近皓皓学到新的东西，那就是上学校的图书馆借书，借了一本Ninjago

还带了沁芝皓皓上美术馆

学校假期，我们计划好每天的日程。希望沁芝皓皓过得丰富充实。于是去吃大家爱吃的Burger+，去Nerf Experience，去香格里拉酒店staycaytion,还有去summer pavilion庆祝公公和庚延舅舅的生日

Huaihao is beginning to put his hands on me.

And it was so natural.

It made me rethink my own actions, because he was copying me so well. Every time he hurt himself, I would quickly run over to give love to his hurting part of the body, and now, he is doing the same to me.

That day I told him my left shoulder is hurting, he immediately placed his hands on me and sent me some “pinky love”.

I took the chance to tell him about the magic and the power our hands have. So in the event of need, and no one like mommy is around, he can always count on himself to address the area of need, simply by just putting his hands and feeling the “ball of energy” and sending pinky love

At bedtime, we had a little chat and I told him how much he mattered to me. How grateful I am to have him and Qinzhi, and he says, “I m thankful too, mommy”

And he put his hands out to hug me

And would continue to caress my face with his warm hands, and say, “so smooth , is my face smooth mommy?”

I think he would never know, how much motivation, energy, consolation, comfort, love, light he has given me to spur me on. He is my constant reminder to look for a new alternative, new ways of doing things, new attitudes or perspectives. This is the meaning of Huaihao.

So I actually bought him a Lego in Osaka on my last trip and I really hoped he liked it. More so, I wrote him a note, to tell him how precious he is.

He spotted it the moment he flung the door open.

Before he sleep he plants these soft kisses on my cheek many times and I would smile. In the morning when he awakens he does the same and would be happy if I smile.

I suddenly have an idea, I m going to use these kisses to heal myself.

I was trying to do some reiki as I lay down on the bed and I thought of my fave—— cupping both ears and I wanted HuaiHao to do that for me.

Before I knew it he had his little body on me and it feels like doing me a full reiki

And every bit of it came through me and out from my eyes and he asked—— why are you teary?

Thank you for loving me Huaihao. You are so precious, I cannot thank you enough.

Sound Healing and Meditation i

Sound Healing and Meditation i

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This is the first time I went for a sound healing meditation class, even if I have worked with tibetan singing bowls before in my kundalini class.

And the teacher or facilitator is like a Greek goddess, later on she said she’s lived in Greece. No wonder.

She uses crystal bowls and combined the session with writing because she says that writing or journaling can be cathartic 

She asks us to think and note down first what we intend 

  • how do you want to feel with this going on in the world today
  • Who do you want to be

I wrote this

And felt slightly silly

Be an angel? TPY? haha

Afterwards we did some breath work to slow down our brain waves

Basically breathing in

White light enveloping you

Drawing white light to the crown, third eye, throat, heart, navel, pelvic area ten the root of the spine

Finally on the exhale visualize the white light shooting out of the spine towards the ground and as they touch the ground, roots grow out of it

And ground and connect you to Mother Earth

I like the way she puts things, she said this is totally not a coincidence that we on a saturday afternoon would be here with her

Like reminding us to be a witness of the experience and no judgement is required. And when thoughts might become challenging, to use our breath as an anchor to come back to the meditation.

Then the bowls start singing

It’s powerful and they sweep through the the body irregardless of how or what you intend

My right leg twitched and released something

Then afterwards I drifted off

When the class ended , she asked us to take a peep at the oracle card placed on the right side of the mat

And peep I did

A book was passed around for us to make sense of what the card meant

Where we could find what the card means

And this is the explanation 

It’s amazing because-its so coincidental

When the facilitator asked us who we want to be, that which came to mind was: an angel.

I was amused myself and I thought against writing it down 

An angel?

How amusing how childish but I wrote it down all the same

And the explanation talked about souls in a human body 

And loving to be with angels

It reminded me of what Stephan said- that I m somebody else but chose to be here

“Hanging out in the stars?”

No wonder Stephan kept seeing stars! LOL

But now. I remember mommy said to me. That she went to some fortune teller who told her that I m some heavenly being but was punished for a mistake and had to come to earth

And Mr Ng used to day to me—- remember that we are souls on earth having a human experience 

And I remember telling Stephan when he asked “what is it that you want”

That it is about finding a way out for myself, how not to lose myself to the realities or the mainstream. 

Really , haha

And the message I derive from this is that- 

I m on the right track but I have to ground. Ground. Ground.

As I bond and get on with transcendence, I see the distance I have with people around me in immanence 

Operating within

And that I need patience both with myself and with others

I cannot expect others to be at my pace

And I do not need to judge them or I would have been haughty 

Instead I need to bring myself to their level so that they too can get a peep at transcendence

And this is like a reminder to me, to be fully present as I practiced reiki. The purpose of breath is to bring me in and on the ground, not further away.

The message is also acceptance and to learn to celebrate life and all that it brings.

Or even better, be a witness.

Later I asked her a few qns about the bowls and she says the bowls find people

And I got to know of the eka mai mantra

“This mantra is believed to instill the entire knowledge of the Universe without ever reading a book. It is the yogi’s humble bowing to the infinite.”

The full version here

Eyka Maaee Joogut veeaee

Tin Chele Parvan

Ik Sansari Ik Bandari

Ik Laa-ey Deeban

Jiv Tis Bhaveh Tiveh Chalaaveh

Jiv Hoveh Furmaan

Oh Vaykeh Ona Naadar Na Aveh

Baahoota Eyho Vidaan

Aadays Tisai Aadays Aad Aneel Anaad Anaahat Jug Jug Ayko Vays

Translation:

All honor to the One, Hail the Primal Being whose attributes cannot be described, Who is without beginning, the Unstruck Sound, and whose form is One through every Age.

Aadays tisai aadays:

I salute You. I salute You, again and again.

Aad Aneel Anaad Anaahat:

You are the beginning.

You are all dimensions of limitlessness wonder.

Anahat:

That unstruck sound.  the space where we merge with the Sound and the sound permeates every fiber of our being…it’s where we experience great healing and bliss.

Jug Jug Ayko Vays:

Remains true through all ages, through all time.