Is it any more valuable to punish ? To find someone to blame to take responsibility?

No

Not at all

Yesterday, at one low point, one very low point, this thought came over.

all that happened came as a result of an aggregate.

it was made of a sum total.

everyone chipped in, myself included.

and i probably steered it the most, because I have been unconscious of this whole wheel of life that is rolling.

it brought me all of the heartaches and pains, all the hurt and the suffering.

But it also brought me a lot of wonders—-all the wonderful people i met, all the beautiful food I had the opportunity to savour, all the meaningful travel experiences i have, all the teachers and angels I met, then my two precious.

And what choices do I have?

Logically, the best I can think of—– move forward with it.

How?

Embracing it, acknowledging it. Studying it, processing it to understand how my subconscious have been taking control with all these learned reactions, wiring, programming.

Taking all the good ones, and letting go of those that doesnt work for me or learning to transform.

Easier said than done, but a way out at least that can anchor me for a bit.

Work on the emotional side may be more tricky and, I have to be patient.

I thought of Daniel Boulud, and what he said to me—-there is no hurry to become a great chef. but if you believe in cooking….

be gentle TPY.

lets go again.

And i slept really early with the kids yesterday. Today, I wake up feeling like I can do it again, dont know where the energy is from, but there’s a willingness at heart that says, “I want to have another go at it, let me try—— again.”

thankful I have the opportunity and a new go.

Huaihao didnt want school today because he’s had an infection on the tongue that he complains of, then he said a girl was bullying him at school, taking his things and being naughty. He said he shared this with the teacher and has told his classmate but it didnt help.

If it were the past, I would have insisted he goes to school in a top down military approach. We have been taught —how can you NOT go to school if it were something so minor?

But I didnt.

After reasoning with him, I took him on my laps and asked him about his tongue and his pain.

I shared with him what possibilities have caused this and the steps we can do to make it better.

And with his classmate, I encouraged him to ask her to be courteous and ask whenever she wants something. And I also checked with his teacher who resonated that this little girl has been getting out of hand.

I shared all these with huaihao, and more, that the little girl might be need of something, attention and something more, but didnt really know how to express it.

So Huaihao could be patient with her to help her. And to be gentle and to give her some space.

And, to give her some “pinky love”

Then I did reiki with huaihao beside me on the bed, I was thinking it might not be easy, what if he makes noises and asks me questions?

But I tried it all the same, and it wasnt that bad.

Today, the session appears to me like an inward looking experience.

Its almost as if I have eyes that are turning inwards as I worked on each part. Just looking at it and seeing how it is there or what calls out to me.

There are times I slip into a deeper inside, then I would surface again, travelling to different depths.

Then I realise some fear surfacing. Where is it from? I ask.

Just observe

The fear comes up to my upset chest and heart, like a wring of energy or ache that takes over. Its got this crippling effect that renders your limbs slightly lighter and the body feels a tightening, a freezing.

Feels metal cold, and I thought of the time daddy was in hospital after surgery.

And I had to visit.

I can still see the blanket

Then mom.

Myself at the hospital when uncle slipped at his workplace and just dropped dead

OR the fear when we didnt know where my husband’s mom went and we felt the worst could be coming.

wow.

And I recalled yesterday during the reiki I did for myself, a pang of fear rose upright too. Much stronger yesterday then today. 

I just observe it until I feel energy flows again and moved my hands to other parts.