We get back to routine today.

How nice!

I walked the kids to school. And have time and space all by myself at home.

How wonderful! This morning we walked to school some 15min earlier, and felt the air cooler, much cooler.

Good for me, because I have been feeling really hot of late. Like when I always needed the blanket, I now want the air con to be on powerful mode.

I guess I m letting off more heat than I realised.

And because we are out earlier, we do not meet the people whom we normally do, at certain points in our walk.

How nice.

It brings to mind, how different each and every single reality could have been or constructed, because of these meetings in time, not earlier not later….just right——at that point in time.

We normally take the overhead bridge to cross this big road and walk inwards to alexandra canal, then we follow a straight path to school

But Huaihao stopped me before we got on the overhead bridge:”can we take the road ahead mommy? I want to try a new road”

And he is kissing me and hugging me a bit more these few days than usual. How nice.

Qinzhi went ahead already so i said “next time”

But as quickly enough, I searched myself on the inside, I didnt really want to take a new road, because I like the canal path, this I said to Huaihao.

“I like it away from the traffic n there’s a cool breeze and dew on the greenery and birds tweeting”

But even if we like things, should we not give ourselves the chance to try “a new road”?

Thank you Huaihao!

And after like 10 days not carrying the schoolbags, I feel it so heavy on my shoulders I just want to take the bus. I just want to take the easy way out.

I am panting and hard of breath, when I usually walked in front of the kids, today they are in front.

My waist hurts just from the hurling and lashing. So do my shoulders my neck.

My body is so wrecked and torn by the emotions that ran through, they surged upwards from everywhere and was let out from my mouth my eyes yesterday my body ached.

Its devoid of battery

When I walk, I feel slightly unbalanced

But I actually prefer this me——not the panting of course, but the fact that i m discovering my new—maybe not new, but the original me, who is fragile and cannot take heaviness too. I made myself take it for too long.

I remember that day when I did the foot polish, it revealed the softer skins inside, baby like

Aren’t we all vulnerable and fragile? Made of blood and skin and tissues and cells.

And how did that shell that shield come on , come from? How did the metal get here?

I stopped just in time ——as my shoulders toughen up in habit.

No, lets try to be mindful about this TPY

Ssoooooo heavy!

Just right after sending the kids to school, I feel like I have just emerged from war

Totally in need of nourishment and a mend

So much emotions came through I got afraid, at the point of eruption, there’s so much destruction to myself as well.

I cannot breathe and I thought —— did mommy feel this way too? Before she decided she cannot do it anymore ?

When I cried, the exasperation seemed to come from such a deep place, with so much fury so much rage, I was taken aback, who is this speaking? 

so there’s a TPY hidden somewhere I kept

Now now, with all these destructive feelings, what did I just kill?

Myself.

I spent a long time and so much precious life killing myself.

WTF.

So I lashed out at my husband, myself , my life, life.

Why did we even meet?

What did life do and why must it take me here?

Walking back home, with whatever energy I have left, I remind myself to breathe and walk mindfully

And I harvest all of the nature that is available , the fresh air, even the birdsong to heal and mend.

When I drifted, came back to walking, how blessed to be able to come back tp mindful walking. i m thankful i have this to anchor me

And it seems every time of need, a different mantra saves me.

right from the beginning, om ma ne pad me hum

then guru rinpoche’s mantra

then tha maha vairocana mantra

medicine buddha mantra

chenrigze when i went to india

then now

Teyata Om Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Soha 

is that the Heart Mantra –

of late, this gets to me. i find myself yearning towards it

And when I did my reiki today, I cried so much, out from somewhere deep.

Such a pitiful state, I had to feel sorry. SO angry at myself too —–Just how? TPY, how did you land yourself here. Aren’t you all successful and bright and intelligent? And what are you going to do now?

I dont know

and i cried even harder.

I missed my earlier teachers, yen chua who did art therapy with me, i thought of going to her and i was already seeing my eyes breathing out anger as i drew

or Mr Ng whom i have done so much work with, when we did our last session, he says, “once in a while, find someone who can listen to your heart ” 找一个人诉诉苦

maybe he knew the depth of my pain more than i did

but he trusted the process n left me to it.

and during the session i didnt really find energy to move my hands about

so i just had the crystal on my heart on my tummy and just left it there

my hands didnt hover anywhere, much less touch, but i felt the energy alot too

coming through

sometimes i didnt know if it was divine energy or releases, whatever, just observe

until a point in time, i felt hmmm… ok.

And I know now how strong energy patterns are. They steer life that way and it is all too hard to break free from patterns and strong patterns like what I have experienced with my parents my life.

I ask myself how possible it is—— to have an experience that is unlike what I have gone through?

Is it even possible?

Maybe not.

Because this is how life teaches us. Or let’s us learn.

To pick ourselves up

To mend

To (feel so much pain and only then can we ) breakthrough

And not come back this way again