I have so many suppressed thoughts I want to lash out it is making my stomach bloated and full. And they are making my breath flow in a difficult manner.

Sometimes I go ahead and breathe, other times, I take in air slowly, gently working with what compression and constriction I have.

I like the latter way better, the inhale feels gentler and I feel my tummy balloon. Whereas if “I just breathe”, I feel the tummy area tight and taut.

Not bad at all TPY, even in these unsettling moments, you are learning to find some balance, trying to work it out.

So I hear alot of these voices when I m alone. It’s like I can only let them out when I m alone.

In the bath.

When everyone else is asleep.

So much anger contained and compartmentalised into these little pockets of small spaces. 

When I brought the kids to Great World City, I saw these and it reminded me of the way I compartmentalised my emotions, keeping them in wraps in these pockets of space and time.

But I like seeing how the colours are detailed, each one has a name of its own and it makes me want to pinpoint with awareness the feelings I feel. That which it is, exactly. Nothing more nothing less.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

And we r not talking yet.

This gets on my nerves. And when we sit near each other I feel like I m about to explode.

Almost as suddenly, I realise, that power is not mine. It’s his energy. 

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I can’t breathe well

I m bottled up I guess, so many things I want to thrash out. But what’s the point? I have tried talking and it just makes things worse.

Yet I cannot keep these things down. I like a clean slate, I like to be carefree and without things on my mind unsettled. Like Huaihao, there should be as less attachments or stuff bothering you when you retire at night.

I m torn between lashing them out and using this as an opportunity to practise awareness

Its tough! and I promise myself I will not give up easily because I can breakthrough this!

So when I do my reiki 

I come back again to my breath, Just me, and breath.

How wonderful to have this breath!

I use my breath a lot on my body these days

Relying on it to cleanse me nourish me fulfill me comfort me

Love me

In the places I need it, like when I feel knots in the tummy, or to my left shoulder wherever I hurt it, I didnt know.

Thankful, so thankful I have it, and I should say, have the awareness of it. And for intuitively working with it and employing it.

I send it to my head eyes ears wishing they will see n hear beauty 

Then my neck my shoulders thanking them for the support

Then my heart

My thymus keloid my liver my pancreas my stomach my intestines my cyst my navel my keloids my knees my ankles

And I could feel so so much energy flow

As I breathed three deep breaths into each part I intend for the breath to shake things ups there to open up to resolve to dissolve

Thankful for this self healing opportunity and ability. How would I be if I had not these to support me?

It’s so hard to keep sanity balance and peace, but as always, I know I have been watched, from angels above who want me to be well and to persevere , I know when always, always, I find things along the way to remind me

Like this I saw as I walk the streets

Like an answer from above, sent my way, it came when I lifted my head – lifting my head has such powerful symbolic meaning and it seemed every time I lift mine, I find

So I find, “one step at a time walking the way to stillness”.

Stillness!!!

It simply means—–Remember to practise TPY!

We can all give ourselves the beauty of a pause, some form of stillness. Yes I believe so, and with awareness, in stillness we arrive, we ‘ll find. We’ll see and hear things we would never have. We can be in touch with intuition. And use that to navigate our lives.

And now, how do/can we keep still? Amidst all the frenzy, pain, unsettling moments?

Like in my own case, how do I find peace with so many thoughts floating in me? When my breath is not settled and at peace?

How do we change pain into beauty how do we transform?

Where is the point for change or translation and transformation?

I find myself asking. 

And in my massage session today, the masseuse is like another angle the divine planted, “要自己保护自己, 别拿别人的错误来惩罚自己, 多出去户外运动”

My tears almost flowed. Her words comforted me so much I m feeling so pained so much pain all the pain, I have to gasp for air

If I let my emotions flow I would have been crying in exasperation 

It’s as if I m going to break apart.

But on hindsight now as I m writing this, I know, this was for me, for me to air my emotions.

I had another whatsapp message with Stephan which brought me into balance. Just airing my thoughts made me feel so good, so I think what I need is space.

I just need to flash them out, for my own sake, yes.

And I thought of one thing, I need to use my emotions on something. Writing like this is one. But furthermore, I need to deploy them, make them work, like in art or music, I need to USE them. That would be a way out.

And then I came across a post I wrote a while ago,

“I used to feel very helpless when i cannot advance in my conversations with my bf. Each time I try to talk, he lapses into the old. I get upset and angry with myself. I get impatient.

But now, I think I m clear. We are operating at different frequencies and there is a gap. Till the time he opens up, I promise to give myself the space the time the open-mindedness, to use this opportunity to practice. It doesn’t mean that I am at fault or should take it out on myself or take the responsibility for this.

And until he arrives, I will patiently wait. I think giving space to another is one of the biggest gifts or love we can have onto another being.”

Are you that wise TPY?

Try again

And I will.

Stephan says “As mentioned before you are a powerful, intelligent, successful and beautiful woman, he is very, very lucky to be your husband and have you care and thinking of you. This is very rare!

Extremely rare.”

He is forcing the ends and the limits out of me, getting me to be utmost creative, thinking out of the box, connecting me with my breaths and my intuition.

I will try. There must be something else I can do.

How else can I encourage new thought and behavior unto myself?

Patience TPY!

I need to change the energy pattern. Rewire.

But for now, “I lovingly forgive and release all of the past, and choose to fill my world with joy, love and I approve of myself.”