As I carried these bags I want to go back to the times I carried the heaviest things and did not feel anything

The weight of my father’s debt

The family’s survival

My new work and it’s demands

My siblings

Being mother or anchor to my family

My own life

I actually want to go back. Ha

I want to go back —— to offer lovingly, sunshine, wind, rain light to that girl who has hardened up and chose to take everything on, out of love and responsibility for the family —— and yet, is angry at herself

I want these elements of nature to support her heal her listen to her caress her love her hug her 

And I saw her hold up her head and nod—- feeling more ready and supported ——- even if the burdens are still the same.

She knows she is supported greatly

And as I m typing this in this bus, I saw a globe of orange

The sun on his way up

So magnificent I want to cry

So beautiful 

And I m here to witness it

And I have the chance of experiencing its power might and light ——— after all

I want to soak up all its goodness all the light all the wisdom it embodies

I want to gift it unto myself

And because of these little changes I have made to my life, everyday becomes a practice. And everyday you derive different understandings from the practice. Like a distillation of sorts.

And today I realized how important Stephan’s sharing is: On the part of Guan Yin

Having her and many versions of her on my navel- the symbolic significance is that I m a bodhisattva

Without being arrogant or prideful , this is exactly what the Buddhist teachings are saying

Everyone is a Buddha

And CAN be a Buddha when we realize the essence of life 

Emptiness

And emptiness EVEN AFTER all experiences, pain, suffering, happiness, exhilaration

Or the willingness to become like an open empty vessel again

Finding peace with oneself with others with life

Remembering this, just knowing what Stephan said of the guan yin at the navel gave me a lot of power and strength

That I should use it to motivate myself to greater good

And never give in give up easily

To always seek out another way another way another way ——— there must be so many

That I m more and can be more than what it seems or I am now

It gave me a powerful shot of wisdom in an instant and can guide me to making all the big and little choices in life

Knowing that she is listening to me

Supporting me 

WITH ME

And makes me want to work harder to realize myself 

Like —— wanting to model after her and be a better tpy

Truly shiny truly peaceful and joyful at heart

914am on a swing Telok Ayer:

I just had a back bend yoga session

And in the midst of it

I actually felt like crying . Feels like things are surfacing

Pain and suffering actually.

Could have been the Heart Sutra Mantra or some gatte gatte prayer they played in the background as we went through the poses

The instructor is opening my body up and a terror really.

Now as I write, I know why! Well the force he is using to open me up in yoga poses, made me KNOW all the force I applied on myself and

I just teared up

I couldn’t and wouldn’t even know how much a terror I was onto myself until now

But in the session, I want to open up and I did, amidst all the pain

It was a nice experience feeling yourself being lifted and pivoting on the navel

How much support has it given me all the while without me realizing 

It’s terrifying to do an inversion even if you are on the ground and you are just bringing yourself backwards

I feel like I m only supported by my head and I m not balanced and any other movement will have me break my neck

I tried to look into the instructor’s eyes and to find trust 

I couldn’t bring myself to

And I kept asking him to put me down 

Bring me back

I say I m falling and he says no: “You are just afraid”

And I remember Stephan say, “do not be afraid, have no fear”

Then my thoughts drifted to yesterday, I have let some crockery to dry on the stove and my husband got so mad he said stupidity comes out of this.

He had told me that water not be put on the stove, because in fengshui, water and fire should not clash.

But what’s the big fat problem with leaving some dishes to dry on the stove?

I tried to explain that I have always let the dishes dry and in an hour or so after being air fried by wind, I would put them on the dish rack

He refused to listen and said, stupidity comes out of this.

I think my tears were coming out of every single body part, but I cannot let them out at that instant. Why? My kids are with me. Huaihao is close by. Can I let my temper out like he did?

I choose not to.

I acknowledged my anger and later I knew, they were not just anger but hurt.

I m disappointed beyond words

Yes it was a moment of anger no doubt on his end but you do not do this loving and appreciating and respecting a person

And what do I do?

My divine, what do I do?

I went to him to ask for an apology. Then the next day, I lashed back at him.

I did not disrespect him even if he was smoking, not a graduate, a poor man then. I turned his life around. He quit smoking, I got him a proper job I changed his diet. I gave him a lot of love.

In fact I had full respect for him.

And even if at home he did things that appeared not sensible to me, I did not say he is stupid.

And after doing so much for the family, for him, I got heartache in return and a lot of it.

How much hurt have I experienced ? Is it not enough? And what made me most angry is that I always fall into this after healing , or after achieving some sense of peace and balance. Feels like all of my effort is thwarted in a flash.

I did not come into a relationship for hurt.

I decided to reiki myself on the swing

I said the gokai

And today it’s meaning is yet a bit more different

Just for today

I do not angry— it also means finding other ways out other than being angry

It means you can explore because angry is only one possibility and

I know I can do more

I do not worry

—— what are the other things I can do, they are many things I can do besides worry , such as yoga reiki meditation breathe

I m grateful

——- being able to sit here and having these thoughts 

I thought of HuaiHao and the pinky love

I always told him to send it out should he sense someone in need

I thought I needed that v much now to envelop myself with this 

I ask the divine to nourish me comfort me

And then I saw a cockerel  

Is that the divine?

I take it as so because it brought a smile onto my smile

I ask it to come close if it is and I closed my eyes 

I think I m heartbroken

I felt the pain 

How can love once so sweet turn into this ?

Too hurtful

Then I heard a pecking 

And there it is just next to me

The cockerel! As if to offer me some companionship

And I felt like vomiting 

So many things crowded at the chest area

Wanting to come out 

And I saw myself using the crystal like a pen on the cyst

I was doing self reiki, and thought, why not use the crystal and write om on my tummy?

There’s a space there and it’s calling out for love and nourishment 

I used the tip of the crystal like a pen, to fill the space with just this and the magic

Then I carried on walking.

When my soul is in need, it is always food that rescues me

It’s as if they are calling out to me and  I’ll just walk till I stop

Is it this stall?

I would linger in front of it

Not that my heart wills

This one 

These simple fare made by hawkers, by humble people rescued me

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Most of all, a bowl of hot red bean soup boiled to tender softness with brown rice and peanut. With every scoop you could smell fragrance of the brown rice and it brought me back to the time I was a young child and nanny would cook brown rice porridge for me.

Soft textures have a lot in there . Maybe that is why I am so drawn to them.

Soft textures require a lot of work, thought, technique, experience, emotion, love and above all, strength to execute

Strength to restrain and to be less to be more.

It’s inspiring to me because I m learning to be strong sure balanced yet soft. I have no wish to harden up or be jaded and allow myself to be let down by disappointments in life by people——- who may lack the wisdom and acted in the ways they did

I am going to continue on my path to cultivate myself and use these as exercises for me to flex my muscles ——- at being soft