It seemed like I have been feeling the weight of the past or was it the time of the month that made it more indigestible? 

I was craving for time for myself to have the space for myself to reiki

And I discovered how the bath can be such an important ritual for not just the body——-but the mind as well

And today the sunlit water worked really well for me!

I used it not just on my abdomen and front but invited its work and magic on my face my back my shoulders my legs as well

The pain in my left shoulder is getting at me

What was it trying to say?

Too heavy PY and all along too much to do!

It needed to feel happiness !

So joy came to mind and afterwards I used this essential oil on my shoulders

Then I saw how the sunlit water came down on my body my tummy area my abdomen

The water was cleaning my navel just like how water would work on terrain or a pot hole and the soil would be circling the hole before being washed out

Gently hitting the body the sunlit water was and delivering light to it

And I thought again- might this be sparks Stephan said he saw?

If so, he could be seeing cleansing ?

And if these r what he saw, I must be pretty beautiful inside

Because otherwise I wouldn’t see this myself

These beautiful sparks are showing my beautiful inside. And if I can find beauty and appreciation for these sparks of sunlit water, why can’t I find appreciation and recognition for my good self? My inside?

Like my keloid area — if it’s like that on the outside , the inner correspondent area certainly needed more work on

And I was asking my self

• what is the cyst trying to tell me?

The little bruise I got on my left hand enlightened me and told me I am delicate and I have been using too much force on myself

Forcing things on myself forcefully and not listening enough to my capabilities and giving consideration to my body

I learn to slowly heal it using lavender and smearing it anticlockwise 

Now it’s gone 

And it’s giving me confidence to work at myself 

So scarring can be undone

I asked myself what is it that the cyst is implying?

In the shower, because of the angle at which the sun’s light came in, I saw a shadow of how my body was on the wall and I could see the cyst

It’s encroaching into my belly button taking up space

If I bent myself backwards more, the cyst came out more

Besides a tensing up or toughening of myself to fight realities it is saying ——- space

I love the space I m giving myself now

And Space is inside there

I needed space, and its creating space for itself.

Nothing else

It’s about creating space for myself

Space to hear my thoughts my emotions my needs space to hear out tpy

It’s giving priority and consideration to tpy

So for once I m able to see it as helping me

And yesterday while doing raindrop for QinZhi , I was chanting the Chenrigze mantra and for a while it seemed like it was reaching down all the way to me in different times and all those of me were reaching up in chanting

It’s a deep amazing release that happened so subtly yet I knew

And interestingly when I read the gokai today, I had a new way of approaching it

Gokai

Just for today I do not get angry

I do not worry

I m grateful 

I fulfill all my duties

And I m kind to others and to myself 

I invited all of my cells to take part and it feels like I m the leader leading it

So all the more important that I should keep my thoughts well

Then I had my meal with Stephan, he reminded me that :

The navel is the seat of all primal instincts 

“Your seat of trust. And at the navel, I saw many guan yin, the Tibetan , Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese and they are all there——- and here’s to say you are supported and they are there for you”

Stephan says now that he is saying it he’s realized it once more that I m made for something bigger 

“You have voluntarily come back because you have heard of the suffering ,  you have gone through it and experienced it for yourself and you will be able to help many people”

And he had to stop because he teared up

I still had no idea what this feels like or means to him

I shared with him how it feels like when the Dalai Lama is in the room and he says ,” you have it too! This thing”

“Learn to appreciate yourself value yourself. “

He said, “I saw for myself how it’s pinyen like a bowl is collecting all of the universe in . Everything is pin yen now at the centre of it”

I asked him what is the thing to do to heal?

He says, “ have no fear.”

“You have no idea what power you have because you intend and want. The ability to translate your heart’s desire/dream to reality. You have that power.

Trust yourself

Believe yourself

Value yourself

Have no fear”

We spoke about invoking our guardian angels

To invoke – isn’t exactly saying please

It’s more “ come here and help me”

They are all there and for you

I had to check its meaning again 

Invoke- 

to requesthelp from someone, especially a god, when you want to improve a situation

Cambridge dictionary 

: to call forth by incantation : CONJURE

: to make an earnest request for : SOLICIT

: to put into effect or operation : IMPLEMENT

: BRING ABOUT, CAUSE

Merriam Webster

I asked Stephan if he heard anything from the cyst and he told me about the guan yin he saw and the guan yin mantra he heard

He says- you should embrace the cyst because it is part of you

Easier said than done but I could see it.

It’s part of my body and more so 

My experiences gave it to me

My lineage and my history gave it to me

And so it means to embrace my lineage my experiences 

It means accepting and acceptance 

Of the big and little things in life

Learning to not change it to suit me and myself or needs

Which could have been distorted or learned

Stephan kindly said he will work on the cyst the pancreas ( which is where fear and grieve or sadness is) the keloid and I will work on the rest

I am thankful

Why would someone I just met, and who have listened to my journey offer this kindness?

It seemed unbelievable.

And this in itself is magic.

Can my story touch another one? When all it has is so much pain suffering repression of the self forcefulness and so filled with negativity? I wonder why!

And before he left, Stephan says again that I have all the tools all the wisdom all all all that I need and I will be helping people

I told him I had no inkling of what he is saying , are you sure?

And he says , he knows it will be

I do not see or understand his point but he says it is not common to see guan yin and so many of them in a session

We discussed if I should reach my children reiki and the answer is yes 

They have it they r open and is naturally intuitive 

He encourages me to continue to nurture HuaiHao and QinZhi the way I m doing 

And to process emotions for them

He asked me why I would do that? And I said , “ the last thing I want is for them to repeat. So with what I find out for myself I will grab e-v-e-r-y opportunity and faithfully use it to help them”

I asked him for a parting gift . And to reiki my oils and my crystal

“You will heal if you will”

Stephan says that I m reprogramming myself 

Exploring alternatives and moving forward each and every other day 

I said to him my thanks, of him offering his presence to me, offering space supported guidance as I processed. And that I will work hard and look forward to the next reiki session with him.

It has been so powerful so intense, so much going on even if nothing was said.

That divine greatness.