I was carrying 2 bags myself and saw this father carrying 3

Now as I note this down, I realise—what is that one bag of mine?

When I took my walk back, I did it slower today. I learnt to listen to my body. It wants to go slower today. I breathe in, the breath feels constricted at times, and difficult. In the past, I would have ignored and breathed in with force.

But now, I learnt to do it gently.

At times, inhaling with baby like softness, and letting go on the exhalation  

I walked gently

I like the feeling, its softening up. Bringing me lots of warmth, love, pure joy. Every time I experience this, my eyes turn red and I feel warmth in my body all over again 

I was so toughened up and hardened, now i m appreciating all the soft tenderness, I intentionally gift to myself

Its THE opportunity to do it again, and everyday becomes so different, there’s so much difference in everyday even if I was walking the same path, doing the same things, it makes me look forward to the simple act of sending the kids to school.

What else can I uncover and discover for myself today?

What else can I learn about my past today?

What else can I do to open up myself further today?

How much difference I have made to myself, my gosh, even if on the front, I looked the same.

IT is this practice, that allowed me to feel the sense of devotion and giving the father is giving. The willingness to carry all the weight on his shoulders——out of love. He did it out of love.

And now, I understand that I did it out of love too.

I thought about my father. At some point in time, he also took the responsibility to father us, and we might have been the reason he chose this path, just that his method was wrong 

I contemplated how he loved us, fetching me to school all the way till I was 18 years old

And I always remembered how one time I cut my fingers, dad rushed over and i saw how in that instant, he was more hurt than me.

Or how he couldn’t lift his head up, totally wrecked and disappointed with himself, when he apologised to us—to say how a failure he has been. Then, much as I felt sorry, I took the chance to look down upon him, because I was so angry.

It seemed then that life isnt about adding or subtracting with precision what has happened. 

I know my dad loves me.

Then I came back and did self reiki

I could feel lots of energy work and flow on my body, at certain parts, my hands were slightly shaking or trembling

How amazing

I thought about why I wanted this reiki session with Stephan that badly, and it was because I didnt know what to do with my cyst and keloid

What else I can do to unlock this? I searched the ends of my mind but just did not know next

And almost as suddenly, the answer came.

The keloid or the cyst is slightly hardened.

Just as I have, I hardened myself up to life and its demands. I toughened myself up so much.

And now, now that I learn to unwind, undo, as I experience myself softening, I begin to get warmth, lots of tears that were locked up in time, and a sense of opening up. A sense of release. 

Funny! because just yesterday I told Stephan, that life seems to teach you in opposite ways, when they want to teach you about bitterness. you taste sugar first.

I wanted the answers to resolving the cyst and keloid but now I am all caught up in unraveling of my own experiences 

I think I have got the answer, when I begin to experience myself fully again, softening up and warming up to myself again, these will be naturally gone.

And Stephan felt that I have an incredible way of opening people up. “How did you do that? ”

I don’t know how I did it, but almost as suddenly, I knew what I want in life.

MAGIC

I loved storybooks and all the magic in there. When the impossible and the unbelievable shine through.

In my own experiences, I think I have showed what Magic could have been, because if not for it, how could I be here today in this manner? I could have gone bad, any other way but this but I didnt.

Because I believed in the good all the while.

Even if some episodes tested me on my beliefs and values. I would be upset but would still stick to what I have always believed in.

I can softly but surely say——I am MAGIC and magic has come through, through me, through all the magical people I have met. Stella and Yin let me experienced healing, the art therapy with Yen, then Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, Tsoknyi Rinpoche, the Dalai Lama, Khadro La, Mr Ng, Teacher Stephan now or reiki

To show me and tell me about Magic and goodness and coming round to recognising that in every breath there can be magic, in everyday there can be magic and just being here, is MAGIC—–despite all that has happened.

So many seemingly impossible things magical things, people, events

It made me realise and relook at my experiences again, dad’s leaving us, mom leaving us, qinzhi————can they be magic?

I have written about these before, 

That each event is a crystallised blossom, a full result of causes and effects

So they are magic occurrences in a way

Neither good nor are they bad

And the practice is in transforming them and using them

just like how when i went to Kluang, I met a lady whose daughter has seizures, and I shared experience with her. I remember her telling me “you look so strong”

We can use, we can transform, we can make magic out of our lives

So long as we will 

1047am

How do we leave only beauty not pain behind?

I thought of what Stephan said —— you are a good mother to your kids

Am I?

I try

Learning to be mindful of how I have come along 

Fearful almost not to do anything that would set off any kind of repeat so my children do not have to go thru what I had

Thinking of how HuaiHao breaks down his LEGO excitedly happily and without attachment —- everyday

Gave me an idea

I thought of our conversation 

“I feel ok because if you know what is in your brain you can make a new one out of it

If I don’t demolish it I can’t make a new one

Although it’s something like precious 

You know you are going to make something more awesome than this

The brain is like a little pouch which stores a lot of ideas plans memories 

What colour is it

It is transparent and clear and turqoisy it’s very rare right”

HuaiHao dismantles his LEGO his thoughts everyday and makes new ones

Can I learn from him? 

Yes, I should learn from him.

Destroy to construct; Constructively destroy.