I was asking myself how to deal with inflammation at the keloid? I had wanted to try a different reaction/action, because all along what i did was to anticipate and search for the next bump and to get it out. I cant wait to get it out to clean myself out. And the advice I had from John was to squeeze out the pus, and from Selena too, after all, its better to let it out! 

So I did not feel very much at ease with my decision to just not do anything.

But as I was walking the kids to school, I saw the difference.

Not actively letting it out before its time, was something different from the past. I used to do things to speed up or would squeeze the pus out once I perceived a bump. There’s so much “doing” that I am conscious of now.

But now, I choose to let it be, and when the time comes for it to erupt, I will deal with it.

Thats the difference. 

I also reapplied 3 interesting things on the way.

1. Qinzhi’s bag was so heavy i felt the weight on my shoulders. I instantly compared it to the weight I put on my shoulders 20 years back, when I was in my early 20s and had to shoulder the family’s emotional and financial burden 

Wasn’t that a lot heavier?

Haha.

Surely it was, but why wasn’t i feeling it? I was so numb to it. Or I just numbed myself so I wouldn’t listen to any bit of myself, I just soldiered on, pushed on, not listening to myself at all. Do I have a choice? I think I could have. But I chose to make the choice to carry this burden.

And i breathed in and sent light to that girl then, whose face seemed to brightened up as the light landed on her face.

She doesnt feel as heavy now.

She just wants to be acknowledged. She can take the burden, she doesnt mind the sacrifice, the work————but she just wants to be credited for all she has put in.

I think even if my family felt it, no one really said thank you to me.

I felt a lot of resentment, anger, frustration, looking around me, who could take this all up if not me?

I HAD to be the ONE

2. Why me?

I asked in my heart but in a chinese family, you do not discuss or say these things, either you sucked it up or you run off.

I had to suck it all up in silence, no questions asked.

There was so much resentment because this arrangement this system did not go well with how I like things to work.

No questions asked, that was one, for another, nothing was said.

3. Which brings me to the point of silence, that silence was killing, and now I know why I cannot take my husband’s silence.

And seeing these, opened me up, and made me understand how and why I was always looking for credit and acknowledgement from the outside, such as when I did something exceptional at work, I was hoping my bosses would see and acknowledge. But there are disappointments and that made me really angry. When they keep silent, the did not acknowledge or recognise my effort.

Because this is reminiscent of the past efforts I have put in and wanted so much credit for. That I did not receive.

So it all adds up.

Coming back to Qinzhi ’s bag, why does it feel so heavy? I m happy it felt heavy. It means I am now more in tune with my senses. And its not something I really wanted to carry.

As I walked to Suneeta’s place for another session with Stephan, I heard myself say, “ I want to process my experience. There are so many things there that u did not see, hear, feel, understand. “

If I spent effort and took learn in my experiences, they would have unlocked all the answers to the questions or the challenges I have or is facing in life. 

Just like how I understand why I look for outside validation or recognition and why silence provoked me that much now.

This understanding is for me such a big leap.

In the past, I used to not even want to have anything to do with the past.

I can’t wait to be disassociated with it or bye it away.

But look! 👀 What change I have felt inside.

I came at 10am as agreed and we sat on the swing to chat.

I told Stephan about the processing I have done, as above,

And more things propped up

Like appreciating all the fights I had with my husband as something positive like an improvement 

Because my parents had so much silence everything was not expressed or not expressed enough

I must have observed this as a child and the discomfort my mother had and how my parents relationship were not able to get better or be fulfilled

In my marriage, I had so many quarrels and unhappiness too, but I talked it out always

And we have had so many big forget and quarrels

Now that I “knew” about the silence, I m glad we exploded

We were already taking a step or many more , more than what my parents had managed to

I told him about dad apologising to us on the coffee table , and how he looked then, totally disappointed with himself, proclaiming himself a failure and how at that time, i held my head up and looked down.

I told him that I was speaking to him, it became apparent that, I was angry with myself, for making the choice to bear the burden.

I didnt know I was angry with myself

I told him I had a choice to run away, but I didnt, I chose to be the one, I resented myself and was angry at myself for putting myself in that one position

I didnt know I was angry with myself all the while

I spoke also about my first India trip and knowing I was an Indian princess from a tribe

He said, “ fantastic. You were able to reach even further now to past lives. I used to have a fear of flying and once I got myself into meditation and in there I saw I was a pilot in World War II and my companion was injured and the key was fired and I had this immense fear of burning up. After seeing that, now I m no longer fearful about flying”

It is a wonder how reaching backwards can help one progress forwards with ease

We came into the reiki session 

I prayed and asked for my dharma protectors and my guardian angels to deliver all the healing all the love all the peace all the support all the joy that I would need to blossom to becoming the best version of myself 

In the session, I was busy. I told myself to open up to the process so I observed 

At the abdomen area, Stephan’s hands hovered and I felt the energy move and trace out peaks and troughs 

At the top of the tummy, it was as if someone blew air in, it was expanding , it was opening up

The next most obvious thing was I felt a solid rush of energy coming up from my feet up my hips into my upper body

It was a complete infusion of light energy force warmth

The energy was so determined and with great strength it came 

All I could do was to observe it respect it revere it

It is taking charge

Like a total internal washing to sweep my clean

And as I recount and write now, I know the past has gone

And can no longer get at me

I felt also a lot of energy running along my left arm hand and leg

Then it was the right side

There were releases along the way, my right hand was moving outwards and finally dropped out of the bed

I moved into a deeper state, sometimes as I perceive, the energy would call me back

I felt my face worked

My face was facing the world, how much has it taken in?

And in rest, the soul and how it feels speaks through the face

When Stephan put his hands above my eyes, I could feel warmth

When he cupped his hands around my ears, they were hot. 

I still like this feature the most, I felt really protected. I felt myself carried as a baby by a parent facing outwards legs dangling in the air

Carefree and fearless

Now as I write this——- That must be me

Me carefree and fearless

Unworried

Happy

How beautiful to just feel this way, even if it was an inkling

The energy coming out of it was pure and simple and true 

Then Stephan ‘s hands rested on my right shoulder 

That was when I felt a lot more releases on the hands and legs

This process is beautiful

It made me understand how little you need—— if you get the elements right, 

Just providing space and support albeit divine light——— would be sufficient to fetching out the deep seat hidden kinks

But also it showed me how difficult this can be if nothing were aligned

And once again, I give thanks to my experiences 

This process taught me to honour my experiences

It’s not about adding on or taking things out

Not fearing it stopping it blocking it

Not discounting it judging it 

Observing 

Just facing it squarely 

Recognizing it

Acknowledging it 

But there were thoughts too

There is a part of me who thinks too much

Habitually wanting to make sense or analyze or derive

That part so Used to the old energy pessimism darkness that is providing the inertia or making it difficult for me to move forward

I pray that this be let go

Stephan told me about his interpretation 

When I told him his hands were hot, he said yes and not just hands but his entire body and feet as the energy flowed through

He said he wanted to do more work on my lower body this time

And he said he saw my father at my feet saying “things are improving” 

But the most wonderful thing he said he experienced was at my heart or body centre

“Love confidence can’t enough describe it. It’s not just SIngapore or Asia or the world it’s the universe and all the stars swirling and pin yen is at the centre of it at the heart of it and nothing else matters but pin yen now and I want to do all I can to support pin yen. 

“It’s such a beautiful experience overwhelming even for me, making me feel full

It’s just pin yen pin yen pin yen. This precious heart

Reminds me of the time I m in the mountains and when it opened up. I don’t have that many experiences like that and it’s a new thing for me”

“At the tummy area, I saw also many guan yin, I heard the mantra or song I always hear so it’s a very good feeling coming out from your tummy”

“And I must tell you, that with the gifts you have, you will be someone something big. I do not know what it will be for you but you have to know, you will be able to help many people”

I am totally lost on what Stephan said

I told him so that I cannot imagine what he is feeling

Just thankful I was able to inspire and let him