I went for my private Reiki session with Stephan, it took a while for me to get this through but I m thankful it came true.

I get so full after telling Stephan about my journey

I could not eat

At night, Inspiration came on a toilet bowl 😆 

In a flash, it read:” from fearing the divine to hearing the divine.”

And learning to cocreate with the divine.

Stephan asked me at the end of the session, “ what is it you are trying to get or what is the issue at heart?”

I thought it was forgiveness or acceptance.

I don’t think I have totally come to terms with whatever experiences I have gone through. Not that I have made sense of them. Like what Passard said, so many years later, he was trying to understand his decision of letting proteins off the menu.

Forgotten sometimes but forgive maybe not.

And, so much time has passed.

But it didn’t seem to be these.

More so, it’s about finding out a way to live and not be fearful. Finding the balance and being viable in society today.  How not to bow down or take sides or be involved in politics and yet shine. How to unravel learned reactions and truly be authentic, how to enjoy and appreciate life as your true self would?

How to do that?

How to live happily and joyfully without fear or anger or how to take care of these things from time to time?

I feel like I have not really found my way so in a sense I m lost.

I didn’t get the chance to find this out because I have had to attend to my family. I had to shoulder the burden of all the practicalities feeling my way about. I was busy being in fear anger frustration bitterness then.

I sort of missed a step in adolescence—- that period people had struggles and would most often achieve a breakthrough after sorting out a way, their way of handling themselves and others in the world.

When Stephan put his hands on me yesterday , I felt a great swirl in my tummy. 

Today it’s different ——- like a gentler loving delicate energy.

He started with my head, then the ears. He cupped his hands and protected my ears and that was good.

I haven’t felt that kind of unconditional protection for a while. It was secure safe and sweet.

It gave me space to just ——be me.

That was when I sort of see, in my mind’s eye that old photo in which mommy was carrying me. And that old photo of dad and me at east coast playing sand.

Almost in an instant, sadness came over. Why wasn’t my husband able to offer me this comfort in my time of need?

Why does he always judge my experiences or deem that I should do this or that?

I was disappointed. And I saw for myself what distance there was in between.  And all the circumstances in which my emotional needs couldn’t be supported by him. Tears seemed to emerge from the heart. Then Stephan hand’s came to the shoulders, and he did push them down even if i was lying down.

And it felt good actually.

My shoulders carried too much burden. It felt good to have those go down.

And then at the heart area, I hear sniffs. Many times. My mind told me Stephan was sobbing. I didnt know. I was trying to concentrate on the energy flows and to experience the subtleties of the flow.

That was when he said, “You mother and father loves you very much, even if they do not have many chances to say it.”

“And they are feeling very sorry that they should have been here with you when you had to take it all by yourself.” 

Then Stephan asked for permission to rest his hands on my liver, abdomen and then the big keloid.

The energy flow was really delicate and gentle, nothing forceful at all. Nothing big or strong, just extremely tender. On the abdomen, i felt things bubbling up and rising up, wanting to escape or get away. They have been pent up for so long now they cant wait to get away.

I opened my mouth and heaved it out.

And as i lapsed in and out of sleep, i felt my right arm do a release in an awkward position, and my right leg as well, there were twitches here and there. Like pent up repressed ones.

Was it at the abdomen too? That I realise, I could see these experiences, as chance for me to practise, practise awareness and transform. Rather than seeing myself in there, pitying me.

As if something has opened up, a new perspective, a new vision, a new way of looking.

That was what Stephan said before we started—on the point of acceptance, he said that if we accepted, we wouldn’t be that attached and judge.

And Stephan told me what he perceived during the session.

“I spent alot of time at the head, because I was thinking—she’s giving everything to the people around her, now who is taking care of her? The least I can do is to do this for her. And so I put my hands at the head. And at the ears, that was when I saw 2 people, like your mom and dad, who love you a lot even if they did not say it alot . And there was the sense of guilt that they cannot be with you and you have to take it all yourself. The should have been the light for you, but it turned out that you are the beacon of light to them.

And I felt this so much, i just sobbed. I am sorry, this has not happened to me before, but listening to you and your story, I m learning something from you too. I am affected.

So even if I had wanted to spend more time on the abdomen area, I couldn’t. ”

Before the session, I told Stephan the journey, everything in a gist. Like the cyst and the connection between mother and daughter, and it was Qinzhi who kickstarted the awakening in me, and now again. I told Stephan about marriage and how it challenged me. And how now, I could better understand what my parents were going through and would have these big and little aha moments, things which I couldn’t understand then, I could interpret them better now. 

And how I was mirroring my mother and living for her, using my life. And knowing this shouldn’t be, I took effort to do something different. If my mom had bowed down to my father, I was certainly vocal and not taking things lying down. 

But all in all, it was like taking 3 steps forwards and 6 backwards, and then there would be checks/exercises along the way—to put what I have learnt to test.

To see if I could move on to the next level.

But its not easy.

The whole journey! I told him about childhood, teenage, adulthood, parenthood, marriage. Acceptance, forgiveness, work, videos, incredible people I have met.

I am surprised I could talk about it pretty much like another’s story. Just this made me happy. Like the intensity has gone down.

Emotions in check. I wouldn’t have been able to had it not been for time and the support I have had from the divine , from the people who loved me and supported me, and those I have crossed paths with.

And hearing this from me, Stephan has this to say, “You are an incredible lady, what you have gone through, I m sure you told me the compact version, but I couldn’t imagine how you have done all these? How did you do it? You looked so refined, so elegant, who would have thought? The things you went through are not little things, how did you do it.

And I know —how could you have reacted in another way? You had no choice, it was always others before you. Taking care of others before you, and you did not have the time nor space to take care of your emotions, your self.

I was grateful someone saw this.

“So I would send love and light to that me in that time, these days when I think of it. I didnt think I would do it another way, but now that I have the wisdom the space the support the environment, the awareness. I would offer light and love to the me then.

I believe that the past can be undone.”

Stephan talked about the Kumo yesterday.

When drawn in the clockwise direction, its a creative process. But when done anticlockwise, it would be about releasing destroying something destructive .

Interestingly in the shower this morning, I had the idea to swipe anti clockwise as I applied the shower gel.

I remember Mr Ng tell me about how to lessen the intensity of fear. Which when projected , could make things come true. And make cycles. He would say 转眼珠，右转三圈，左转无数圈

Its a practice of circling the eyeballs, to the right 3 times and to the left countless times as we go back to the past and experience a difficult time. And to breathe as we do that.

I thought about the logic of an anticlockwise turn.

Like Back to the Future.

Unwinding.

So i tried, and the feeling is different.

I am elated at this discovery. It seemed like so easy to think of, but I took quite a while.

I told Stephan that I was always looking for a new angle another perspective. Like the inflammation and keloids. I was sort of expecting it. Looking for the next point to manage the pus and blood. Its become something I have grown accustomed to, like a habit.

 So I need to get a grasp over myself in awareness right before I look for the next inflammatory point.

“The amazing thing is you have the awareness, you have the gift of expression, and that is very very precious. They way you describe brings me to places I can see. Awareness is the first step. And acceptance, without those experiences, you wouldn’t have been whom you are today. And then, the next is resolving bit by bit. 

You have incredible strength, and the people who support you, they go all out and they are here because of you. I m sure you can resolve this and heal and after that, you will be sharing this with a lot of people. Because you should.”

I told him about using my experiences.

I told him how much I loved my job, and gave him examples of how my stories would rescue me back. The chefs and their traits, were mirroring mine. There was a lot of resonance no matter how different we are. I told him about how Kisho’s chef had the habit of picking and finding things.

I told him about Shiro Tsujimura and how lunch at his place served by me, broke me down totally —yet it was so healing.

I told him even now I m amazed how I have done that kind of work with what I have——and the conclusion that I have had a lot of passion for expression. I told him, when I was down, words picked me up. There is a lot of power in words, and having witnessed that light and power, the least I could do is to USE my experiences, and to spin off something that could emit light.

So much content, looking back——-little wonder I was full and couldnt eat.