Its been a while since I got so excited

I had experienced reiki before, 10 plus years back in Hoshinoya Karuizawa, but I wasnt even knowing what was that, But now as I looked back, I know that’s a seed that was planted in me,

Many years later, I did a reiki workshop a few months back, but I havent experienced anything

I heard of what Reiki can do and I wanted to see it for myself, what magic it is

很久没有这么兴奋了，昨天去上Reiki by Stephan Stadelmann。

他的手经过我的腹部，感觉里面掀起惊涛骇浪。好像什么在翻滚，晚上回来后兴奋睡不下。

星期天的早上，bf从夜班赶回来，我准备早餐午餐，做好本分，然后在阳光的照耀下出门去继续学习。

这么写着，有一种幸福感，有一种感激。感激宇宙之间所有的和合，让我有机会去看去听这堂课。

一定要抓紧时间和机会去跟老师学习。

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Strangely after the session, I had a lashing out episode, I was angry because I introduced a producer to a friend but I felt I was not acknowledged.

But the fire seemed to have come from somewhere deeper.

I traced my thoughts back to my work and I found them.

When I was doing the work and the credit went elsewhere, I remembered Tsoknyi RInpoche’s teachings, “it is real but not true”

The anger came from the past, the incident now harked back to it and brought everything out.

Was this the power of reiki too？

I began to talk to myself over it, could I have done something else in the past？

Not really, I was just a little me then, pressurized by life and I was fresh out of school, traversing the society , learning about it and how to work with it.

I began to send light to that girl that was me.

Breathe and inhale light and fresh air into me then.

说到昨天。

有新的感悟。L请SY一家吃饭，但，怎么没想到我？

我先入为主，看成是我的part不被肯认或重视。介绍的部分没有被重视。

朋友拿了我的idea，却没有给予对我来说是合理的肯定，当下大怒。我直接说—-这你就错了。

火马上烧整个腹部上心头上头，想起Tsoknyi Rinpoche的教导：“It is real but not true。”

是哪一段过去在下面被点燃？

我搜索回忆。是在晚报的时候，那个时候我努力做好本分，结果没有受到肯定，结果功劳被别人拿去。

还有在副刊的时候，专心写作，拿生命来写，仍是不被重视。老板垂青的是别人

没有被肯定。

长大了现在的我，开始送光给那一段时间的自己。

我问自己：当时这样，我处在那个时候，是能够说什么或通过什么举动来/可以改变什么吗？

有点难，当时不过是一个小小的记者，完全不被看在眼里的小人物，不管如何使力

都不可能。

于是我只能通过自己的愤怒和各种动作来表达自己的能力和努力，希望被注意到，得到应得的肯定。

于是后来我开始学会为自己争取应得的报酬。

我送光给当时没有power、眼看只能白做不被肯定的自己、不敢发言为自己争取的自己。

呼吸——深深呼吸——让新鲜的空气和想法思绪为捆绑在一起的结

解套。

让阳光，现在的——疗愈那个时候的昏暗。

这次把SY介绍给L是我的想法，但怎么从L嘴里出来就变成是她的意思

她说我怎么没有早点介绍给她？但事实上，我之前已经问过她

但是她说：“有机太贵，没有预算”

我不喜欢话在嘴角变换出来的不实。

让我懊恼生气的是我的贡献不被肯定或者说被重视。

但说实在也没有人说不重视啊！只是一顿饭而已

我从这里学到东西了————或者只能说，每个人的着眼点不一样，所以有了不同的解读。对我来说，是专业的事项，但对他人来说，也许只是朋友的介绍。

但一如往常，我投入的不只是介绍，还有点子，贵在点子的撮合，但可能被介绍的两方看不出来

才会闹出这样的不愉快

如果是这样，那就让它成为一个美丽的误会。一种美丽的错过。因为错过的不是我。可惜的不是我。

让它去。

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I had a powerful realisation in the morning.

I saw how the keloids I have, the cyst, the ca 19.9, came about. The positions they are at on my body, corresponded to the seat of where toxin would accumulate, where fear anger stayed.

These emotions needed to be worked on. I breathed in. As I was waiting for the Reiju to be performed. I breathed in i wanted the fresh air to be delivered to these places in my body that needed fresh air, this was what I could do for myself and I wanted to do it

But a few other words disturbed me—-shame, guilt. Unworthiness

And the magic happened when Reiju was performed on me, I raised my head——–i wanted to, I wanted to receive all the divine light help blessings I could get, I was desperate

And I looked up, and that moment was magic

In that moment, I realised my father’s guilt, shame, unworthiness, these was what Mr Ng had mentioned to me. That my father was carrying all these.

And I realised in a bit that I had learned this reaction from him, the impact was so strong I was it

That explained why even if I was at the top of my career, I wasnt appreciating myself enough or acknowledging myself as much

I wasnt proud of myself enough

And the magic I found was———if i do not raise my head and walk with my head up high, my children wouldnt, because they would have learned it from me.

But what was wonderful was, Huaihao looked up and saw the moon, and reminded me to look up.

Such a teacher!

Magic Magic MAGIC

these findings and understandings made me less fearful and put more power in my hands, they make me understand in a flash how things came about and can be resolved and more than anyone, the onus is on me, to heal myself using what I know, intuitively.

Reiju的时候。

所谓reiju，其实是个initiation或blessing，也是净化身体里的气脉channels，借此让能量可以flow得更顺畅（divine energy flow）

在等待的时候，我也在忙。不断地引入新鲜的空气，将新鲜的空气送给腹部、下体部位，让一直锁在那里的旧情绪获得新鲜的空气，可以呼吸，可以打开。

因为早上看到这个，其实就在reiki的本子里，但一直没有去注意。

恍然大悟

胸部下面是累积毒素的地方——我的两个keloid就在这里

腹部是恐惧

左腹是guilt/shame/unworthiness

pancreas在这里

难怪我的ca19.9会高

因为经过恐惧

old stuff占据中腹，我有cyst在这里

survival centre那边，keloid不断发炎

恍然大悟

经历许多个恐惧的日子

爸爸离开、妈妈死亡、舅舅跌倒猝死、姨妈轻生

有多少的恐惧在那里啊。

爸爸离开，妈妈死亡，我们的生存变成问题，变成了挑战

keloid在那里不出奇

因为突然看到了。突然好像是睡醒了。Reiju的时候我不断呼吸，希望让压抑的过去、情绪得到新鲜空气

I asked to cocreate with the divine

Strangely also, I inhaled the northern light black spruce and Idaho blue spruce

不知是这样，几个英文字一直在disturb，Reiju的时候不断将新鲜的空气送给这些部位

感激自己有机会在这里healing

应该是Stephan老师来到我面前的时候，我双手合十。As he performed the Reiju，I asked to cocreate with the divine

Then I raised my head 

那个抬头的动作

就是答案

那个抬头让我明白，以前老师Mr Ng说，你爸爸到现在还是没有办法抬头

于是我明白————所以我也没有办法抬头的关键。

这么巧

昨天看到这样的一段话

是韩国僧人作家Haemin Sunim的文章

孩子都重复父母，爸爸抬不起头，所以我总是看轻自己不重视自己

因为我（自然而然）跟随了父亲的脚步。

步上他的步伐

但是————但是如果我不抬头，我的孩子也不会懂得抬头这个动作，但是我的孩子皓皓会，某一天早上他抬头看到月亮。孩子就是老师，就是灵感。

That was a learned reaction that was not mine

But I learnt it all the same

In that head up moment

I realized my father’s pain shame guilt and unworthiness

I realized mine too

And this that was stopping me from being myself or shining

This that was making me decide to bend and not straighten or stand up for myself in situations that called for this

For making me decide on what decisions I have made 

It was out of shamefulness and unworthiness

And yes I used to write about it

How shameful I felt when dad had to keep himself in his air con room

Something that had to be hidden from the sun and be in the cold 

I needn’t be cold I realized 

The cold set in for me then

How beautiful this unraveling 

‘‘Tis undoing of the knot

It makes me see light and takes away fear from me

And the confidence that I can help and heal myself and the body conditions 

My body was trying to talk to me

Communicate to me

But I just didn’t know how or what to listen to

And of late I began to understand that my body has a habit of tensing up and unreleased emotions tend to harden in my body

Previously it was a keloid above the skin

Then it showed up in my back as acne or rather like a mole

Then the cyst

It was anger

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I had the idea of going back to go forward

It’s all about unlearning all you have learnt